Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
EcoLady · 11/04/2010 20:08

YADefNotBU

Going to Uni should be a first step towards adulthood. Parents accompanying their 18 year-olds to uni visits and interviews is a very recent phenomenon. It does annoy uni staff who are trying to interview the potential student, not their family.

I visited all 5 of my uni choices alone, including two overnight stays. I loved it!

I very much hope that my children enjoy getting on the train to visit their potential Unis ... strictly unaccompanied.

mumeeee · 11/04/2010 20:08

Also my parents acomapanied my brother on a couple of Uni visits when he wenbyt aand thet aws over 20 years ago. We are not micro=managing their lives , Just showing we care and support them.

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 20:09

Janos - as I mentioned before, DH and I both went 19 years ago and I remember MANY of our sixth form friends having parents take them to university visits. My brother went 18y and there were parents involved, my sister went about 9 years ago and again her reidns had parents accompany them - so not just mine and DH's families either.

larrygrylls · 11/04/2010 20:12

Greensleeves,

A parent and friend are completely different. Supportive and valuing input are words related to friendship. It would be very hard for a teenager to take on board a parent's opinion and then honestly disagree. It would be equally hard for a parent to then support a child once they had viewed a uni together and disagreed.

Hulababy, it tells them that you are still a backstop and "supportive" but no longer prepared to treat them like children. A child knows whether it comes from a loving home. As someone said(I think it was the actress who plays the daughter in Ab Fab), a loving family is like central heating, it keeps you warm but you do not have to constantly sit on the boiler. I think that is a great analogy.

wonderingwondering · 11/04/2010 20:12

There's a distinction between open days and interviews though, isn't there?

Going in to an interview, with mum revving the engine outside, is a bit odd, but having a bit of company while you mooch around a campus and new city to get a feel for the place is less so.

Much depends on how much the parent is imposing on the selection process: if they are in there trying to impress the admissions tutor, that's not a good thing, but there's a lot of involvement that falls short of that.

mumeeee · 11/04/2010 20:13

I'm talking about accampaning our children on open day visits. Not to interviews. DH did take DD2 too her auditions once she was offerd them but he draopped her off at the universities and then picked her up afterwards. Some universities actaully did special parent and student days, DD1 went to Cardiff and thy did a day like this. Please excuse my typing in my last post.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 11/04/2010 20:14

Perhaps the uni staff don't like the difficult questions that parents often ask. Like how many lecture hours is my ds getting for his £3225.

titch7069 · 11/04/2010 20:14

DH just pointed out to me that my DB was taken to see uni's by our parents, he's still living at home fgs he's THIRTY SEVEN! My mother is still feeding him, doing his laundry, subbing him (she is on a state pension)he pays no rent. helicopter away, just don't look for sympathy when you are still looking after them in your old age.

Undercovamutha · 11/04/2010 20:15

YABVU. I appreciated having my mum's opinions when I went to look round Uni's (mainly cos she had been to Uni and had some good advice to give). It is not fair to badge parents as babying - especially as you have NO IDEA whether the teenagers wanted their parents to go with them or not. If your children asked for you to go with them, as they would welcome your advice and support, I guess you would just tell them 'No, it's nothing to do with me - you're on your own'.???

And BTW I was shocked when I found out that none of DH's family had ever visited him at University. They never looked round the Uni with him, or gave him a lift with all his stuff on his very first day. And do you think DH is glad to have had such independance. NO! He felt like his parents couldn't have given a shit, and didn't see any point in him going to Uni in the first place.

Oh and when we bought our first house, we asked our parents to come and have a look at it to get their views. I guess you think that that is babying too!

Janos · 11/04/2010 20:15

That sounds distinctly different from my experiences Hulababy.

I don't mean that in a dismissive way, simply that your experience sounds unusual to me. I daresay you are thinking the same but the other way round.

My mum was a very involved and supportive parent too.

It just comes as a surprise that people think this is normal and usual, however it does seem having read many of the posts on here that I'm in the minority on this.

sarah293 · 11/04/2010 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scottishmummy · 11/04/2010 20:16

some of you make things so polarised.accompanying to a visit doesnt mean you are momma raising norman bates

weblette · 11/04/2010 20:18

YANBU but I think it's a very different attitude these days. It obviously varied from area to area but when I went to uni 20 odd years ago no-one's parents went with them so for me that was a similar 500 mile journey.

I don't know that it was necessarily because people cared less then and more now, the culture just seems to have changed.

I know that things I did as a teenager I would never let my dcs do now at the same age. When they eventually get to thinking about uni we will probably go with them on visits.

lowenergylightbulb · 11/04/2010 20:18

My parents came with me to the campus, but in the interview I was on my own... while they went off to the pub/shopping/having fun.

giveitago · 11/04/2010 20:18

Oh and I should add that I was sent alone in my parents car to one interview the day after I'd passed my test - I got lost and had my one and only car crash.

Probably better had my parents come with me actually.......

noddyholder · 11/04/2010 20:18

I agree with scottish every family has its own boundaries wrt to freedom and growing up My ds is quite free to go out and about on his own in town and parties etc but making a decision like this I know he would struggle with.

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 20:19

larrygrylls - that may be your take on it yes, and a valid one. However, there are also other thoughts too, equally as valid. And if a parent decides that they do want to support their child by accompanying them if asked, then that is equally as right too IMO.

What works for one person may not always be right for another after all.

As mentioned before - even now, as adults, many on MN still ask for second opinins, reassurance and support when making decisions - that may be on MN itself, asking a paretner, asking their parents. This is seen as being ok generally, so don't see why it is any different if a student wants a parent to come along to help them make a big decision either. No different IMO.

PixieOnaLeaf · 11/04/2010 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

herladyshiplovesedward · 11/04/2010 20:20

wow.. can't belive this has turned into such a bun fight debate

don't know if ds & dd will want to go to uni but now i feel stressed just thinking about whether or not it would be right for me to accompany them to any open days

MintHumbug · 11/04/2010 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oblomov · 11/04/2010 20:22

was watching, seriously, 5 minutes of lloyd webber, dorothy rainbow thing.
all the girls said, she ( one girl) had never been away from home, this other 17 yr old. had no idea how to cook, how to use a washing machine. mad me really sad. so this is no surprise.

sarah293 · 11/04/2010 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 20:22

Janos - yes, as you say, for me I did appear to be the norm for parents to accompany their teenagers to university visits. I don';t mean going in for interniews, etc. but definitely involved int aking them. Also was a secondary school teacher for 10 year, until about 4 years ago. Again, my experience was that many parents did at least travel to the university city with their children.

I guess I too am suprised that other people find it unusual or wierd even that parents may be involved.

bluebump · 11/04/2010 20:22

My mum came with me to 3 visits although my interviews were on my own, I was glad she came as I was far too shy for my own good then and also it helped to discuss what we both thought of the places.

When I actually went to university not only did my mum come with me to help me move into halls (and was the last parent to leave), one set of my grandparents came along too!

hocuspontas · 11/04/2010 20:23

I walked to school on my own at 4 years old. It doesn't mean that I expected my own children to do it.

Riven - they should be starting anytime I think. Last year dd1's were June/July/August.