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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
noblegiraffe · 11/04/2010 19:38

My parents dropped me off at the airport to fly to Germany on my own when I was 15, to visit a penpal. I also went to uni open days on my own. I am glad that my parents fostered a sense of independence in me. Although I know that I can rely on them for help if I need it, they let me make my own decisions and way in the world.

There are some parents now who expect to be allowed to sit in on university interviews, and universities have to try to discourage parents from staying with their offspring during Freshers' week.

When will the apron strings be finally cut?

EggyAllenPoe · 11/04/2010 19:40

plenty of peoples parents provide the transport - they did 'in my day' too.

i think i went to most of mine on my own, but i don't think there was any 'ethic' behind this,

i exspect some people who didn't go to university themselves are curious (and proud) about where there kids are going. Nothing wrong in that.

chickbean · 11/04/2010 19:40

My parents accompanied me to the secondary school visits but allowed me to choose the one I liked best (children from villages had priority at all schools in the local town - no catchment area issues) - I chose the "worst" school (from the point of view of results) but was really happy there and did very well - not sure that I'll trust my children completely with the choice when they are 10!

Managed to miss all the university visits though - had to choose from the prospectuses.

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 19:40

I think second opinions are benefical to many of us throughotut our lives, even as adults. How many of us even now ask for other people's opinions or advise? MN wouldn't exist if we didn't feel the need for this kind of support.

Why would an 18y making a big decision be any different? Why can't parents be that second opinion? And it is useful i that person giving the second opinion has seen some of what you want to discuss with them, hence students having parents int ow.

I like the idea of students going in nd doing stuff at the open days on their own, but equally see no problem with parents being around for part of the day to have a look and get a feel for the place.

When we bought our last house we got our parents to come and have a look at the show house, and showed them the brochure - because, even as grown ups, a scond opinion can be good. Is that really so bad?

Salbysea · 11/04/2010 19:40

LOL didn't see the 15 miles one at first

OMG 15 miles is LOCAL LOL, go pick em up if the trains stop running (rather than just being delayed which is much more likely)

sarah293 · 11/04/2010 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

boiledeggandsoldiers · 11/04/2010 19:41

It was unusual for parents to accompany their teenagers when I applied to go to university and grants were still the norm. It's probably a reflection of the greater financial burden on parents and prospective students these days.

SweetestThing · 11/04/2010 19:42

I wonder if the 15 miles was actually a typo and the poster meant to put 150 miles?

hocuspontas · 11/04/2010 19:44

fgs everyone!! She meant 500 miles!! Read her follow up post

Hulababy · 11/04/2010 19:44

It is also nothing new IMO. Me and DH went to university some 19 years ago and it was totally normal for parents to drive their children to Open Days or interviews, or simply to go and have a look round informally. Sometimes the school did trips to Open Days too, where teachers accompanied rather than parents.

GrendelsMum · 11/04/2010 19:45

I'm now trying to work out which University could be 500 miles away - was someone going from Cornwall to Aberdeen?

Greensleeves · 11/04/2010 19:45

interesting that parental involvement of this sort is assumed to be "smothering", with the implication tha the child is being coerced or pressurised or silenced

of course this CAN be the case - but in a family where that is the dynamic, the rpesence of the parents at the uni open day isn't the biggest problem the child has

is it not possible that some children actually like and respect their parents, on an appropriately adult footing as a young adult, but still valuing the guidance and input of an older adult whom they trust?

It doesn't touch a nerve with me (I went on my own and tbh distance from my mother was a major factor in my choices) BUT I do think it's peculiar that somebody would have such a strong aversion to parents being there while their children are making important decisions. Odd.

MiniEggsAndMarmite · 11/04/2010 19:46

My parents came on my Uni visits with me (about 15 years ago) partly because I wanted them to and partly because it meant I could do the trip in a day (I couldn't drive at the time).

I was the one that decided which Unis to apply for/visit but I did consult them for their opinion, just as I do now on many important decisions.

To be honest, I didn't have a huge amount of life experience at that time and I probably would have found the visits quite daunting by myself. They did leave me to it for the interviews and tours of course but it was good for them to get a feel for the place too and discussions with them helped me to make my decision.

I don't think I (or they) ever thought of it as them having a say in where I was going on account of the fact that they were paying (towards living costs in those days).

Everyone is different. If my kids wanted me to come with them I'd be happy to do so and, if not, that would be fine too.

Wineonafridaynight · 11/04/2010 19:46

My parents didn't come with me (10 years ago). I didn't see why they needed to and was quite happy to go off on my own. It made me feel grown up. I remember visiting two with groups of friends and two on my own. Not sure if there were any others!

I don't see a problem with parents going if both parties want to but on the other hand I do think independence is important in some instances, particuarly if the student in question if planning on going to uni a distance from home.

OrientCalf · 11/04/2010 19:46

my parents would likely have come (or one of them would) if I had asked, though I didn't

It doesn't bother me one way or the other if parents accompany their children or not, but I did notice when I went (about ten years ago) that those of use who were not accompanied by parents or ina group of friends from home grouped together and asked questions/found out things we wouldn't have otherwise, and met new people. Mind you, meeting new people isn't actually the point of the open days i suppose

larrygrylls · 11/04/2010 19:47

Everyone has a right to do what they want but is it really healthy? I seem to remember my mother drove me to my Cambridge interview in 1982 but that was it. I was dropped off at 9AM at the gates of my college and picked up at 5PM and probably asked whether it went OK. And the only reason I was driven is that public transport links were diabolical in those days.

I was brought up in a cosseted middle class home and yet, at 17 (in the middle summer hols of my A level years) I spent 2 months living and working independently in Paris. When I was 18, I interrailed for a month on a budget of £5.00/day. Remember, there were no mobiles in those days and I did not have a parental credit card. The point is: I was not in any sense exceptional. 16-18 year olds were regarded as "near adults" and expected to start leading semi-independent lives in preparation for full adulthood.

What has happened to the joys of learning to take some decisions (and some risks) for oneself? Have 16-18 year olds suddenly regressed to the 9 year olds of my youth? I don't think so. Something has gone wrong with parents' attitudes. I think some of it is media driven in that the media is constantly reminding parents of statistically small risks. Mobile phones and e mail have made it possible to be in constant contact but that has taken away one of the key facets of adolescence; cutting the apron strings.

One may avoid bad decisions and a few risks but I doubt it is psychologically healthy and a price will be paid in the medium term.

titch7069 · 11/04/2010 19:47

fgs i was flying between East Africa and the UK alone from the age of 11, I definatly did not want my parents escorting me to check out uni's and i don't think it would have occured to my parents to go. these days they all have mobiles, we had to sort things out on our own. If a 17/18 yr old can't get to or from a place 15 miles from home there is something seriously wrong.

Clayhead · 11/04/2010 19:48

It's got nothing to do with apron strings. When I was 18 I had been to Germany on my own to visit friends, been on holiday with a boyfriend and travelled in Europe with a friend. I was perfectly capable of travelling by myself.

I didn't mean I didn't want my dad to visit some universities with me though!

juneybean · 11/04/2010 19:48

How do you know the child didn't ask? If I had gone to university I would have asked my mam to come with me to view the uni.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 11/04/2010 19:49

I went with both my ds's to uni visits. You can't just switch off taking an interest when they hit 18 and as someone way, way further up says most parents have to make some sort of contribution these days and it's good to see where the money is going. I didn't particularly influence my children's choices though. Seriously half of MN thinks that students should have more guidance and the other half thinks you should just cut them loose. It's a learning curve. I don't give a toss if the OP finds it irritating. Frankly it's nowt to do with anyone else.

I think you touched a nerve because you called caring parents 'pot dogs' and assume that our children are less than independent and have sod all initiative.

I hope the lecturers at my son's uni aren't so judgemental.

textpest · 11/04/2010 19:49

My parents took me to all my university visits - partly out of interest, although the decision was mine, but mainly because I needed my Dad to drive me there!!

Lilymaid · 11/04/2010 19:50

My parents never visited universities with me - but it was back in the days when open days didn't exist anyway. I accompanied DS1 to several open days and he went with friends to others. I think DS1 did value my views though he chose his university for himself. I'm now about to visit a couple of universities with DS2 who hasn't bothered to visit anywhere so far (says he knows all about universities from visiting DS1). This time round DH and I have firmer views on the course that would be best for him and hope to persuade him to that view!

Rockbird · 11/04/2010 19:50

It's all about individual choice and circumstances, what someone else chooses to to is bugger all to do with you, particularly when it's such an inoffensive thing. But it's nice to see that you keep such an open mind about the students you presumably teach. I'd hate for you to judge them on one single incident.

MamaVoo · 11/04/2010 19:51

Agree with Hulababy. There's nothing wrong with a second opinion from someone you trust, whatever your age. I took my mum with me recently to look at preschools for DS so I could discuss pros and cons with her and because I knew she'd enjoy seeing them.

It's certainly an odd thing to be irritated by.

Ellokitty · 11/04/2010 19:51

I went to visit all the unis on my own - it didn't occur to me to invite my parents . But I had free train travel at the time, so was dead easy.

My parents did take me to one, as it was not very easy to get the train, but they literally dropped me off at the campus gates and went shopping for the day. However, I do remember seeing lots of parents around at the time (Early 90s) and thinking it quite odd.

Now though, I can see arguments for both sides, for some students this may be their own little adventure, that they want to be independent about and take control of (me), whereas others want to hear other people's opinions and want to know what their mum and dad think.

As it turns out, I went to the uni my parents were secretly hoping I would choose - I think some people need to own that decision more than others, but at the same time, I think parental opinions can be really important too.