to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

Gaelic
well, just from my daughter's view she had passion for history from the age of 3 onwards, believe it or not, so that is what she is studying, and glad to say she is loving it.
She also realises that it will be auphill struggle to find a 'proper job' and would love to be able to carry on in academia
(more fool her )
She has also been tested in external exams at 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, 17 and 18.
It is unfair to call this generation spoilt brats,but in many respects their childhood has been spoilt by over examination and a constant bleating that grades etc have dumbed down.
i really hope things will have changed by the time your son is an undergraduate, but i hope if he has a passion for knowledge too, then he will be able to pursue it if even for a short while.
i suspect however it will probably just get harder and even more expensive.

As a teacher of sixth form pupils I can only say that most really appreciate their parents' support on this one as even though they are technically young adults- many really do want advice and there is plenty of time to be independant. I was left to get on with it and frankly i wish my folks had been more interested, because it is quite a big life decision and the input of people who love you can only be a bonus- it is strange that it bothers you so much- why would you care- good for you that you did it on your own and good for these kids and their parents to share the experience of one of life'sbig choices.

p.s
garlicsheep

oh and to suggest that today's generation are spoilt brats?? the students I taught were a delight and surely we were the spolit ones able to have our degrees funded by the state in the past- now students face major debt for an education. I have to say that the students i have taught seem much more mature than the generation I went to school/uni with and i think they have it much tougher as do the poor parents who end up funding their degrees. That is a burden my folks did not have to have.

Clemette
wrote the best post on here.
I showed my daughter this thread and she said that Uni is part getting a degree, part having fun, and part putting off the real world.
she is a responsible, mature young adult.
if i was at uni now i'd cite 'putting off the real world' as a very valid choice. teenagers nowadays are told that they can work later, have babies later, have longer careers, but you some of you are saying that having fun at uni and putting off 'real life' is a bad thing?
in the current climate, id LOVE to put off the real world for three years.

let them be teenagers. let them bloody enjoy themselves before they have to get crappy paying jobs and work for the next 40 years. they can get part time jobs and uni and pay their own why.
i dont see any reason why a parent would pay fees while a child is still at university.
i know one parent who gives her daughter £100 a week whilst shes at uni. madness. thats what grants and loans and bursarys are for, learning to live within a budget!

When I went to visit universities on my own, I hated it, and really wished my mum could have come with me.

Moving to university is a massive step, and I needed her support. Unfortunately, she was working and couldn't take time off.

Also, when you have refreshments, you have to stand on your own like a total loser, quietly sipping a cup of coffee and not looking like you're secretly trying to die!

Well I think that's the other impact of all the parents going too, in that those who don't have parents available don't have the same experience that we had many years ago when parental attendance was very unusual. When everyone is on their own the incentive to talk to each other is much higher, and actually that's very valuable, because the other people at the open day are potentially your companions for the next three years, and you need to know if they are the sort of people you are likely to get on with (different universities/course attracting different sorts of people).

To me it's rather like children not be allowed to play out - because that then means that parents who would like their children to have the same sort of childhood experiences that they had feel that they cannot, because there aren't the other kids to play with, because they get judged as irresponsible, and because without the numbers they really wouldn't be as safe as twenty years or so ago.

I think that children/young people are missing out.

if i have to pay for ds uni then i think i have every right to help with there choice. if they want me to come with them i will but if they don't that'll be fine but i would like to visit where they are so i know where they are talking about

My parents paid for me and my siblings to go to university (not tuition but everything else as we weren't eligible for any grants) and they still felt it was our decision what to study and where. That's not to say that they didn't offer their advice, and my father gave us key questions to ask when visiting, but it was our choice (not quite sure how they would have known all the details about architecture, botany, international politics and engineering, although I suspect my father did do research behind the scenes and probably woudl have said something if he thought we were making terrible choices).

I find it very surprising looking at the amount of input my sister is giving her ds on his choices, in some ways he has had to do very little work of his own looking to his future, and I do wonder whether that is going to help him, although it's nice to see all the support they are giving him. My parents generally made sure we had a quiet place to study and left us to it, whereas she draws up her ds's revision timetable and actively helps him study. I do wonder how he will manage without that support though, as university traditionally let you sink or swim. Perhaps less so now?

'The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies'

The big, big difference from when I went was that parents are now paying! You really want to know that it isn't a waste of money.

I didn't go with my eldest because I had younger DCs and couldn't manage it. I wasn't sure with youngest and we said that if there were no other parents we would just disappear-however many parents were there so we stayed.
My eldest was doing an academic subject at Russell Group university and we felt it was up to him but any course would have been found. The youngest was doing an art/occupational course and it was much more important that we were there to make sure that it was a course worth paying for. We were able to ask more searching questions. He went to one on his own and he came back without having asked the right questions.
It is like everything-there isn't a blanket answer. It depends on your DC and the course.
Nowadays it has changed and universities are geared up for parents visiting. Some split the visit and my DS went on one tour and we as parents went on another. There were talks for the parents and I picked up a lot on the financial side.
On the whole I would say that the whole emphasis has changed on these visits. Universities are catering for parents today and it is a bit silly to miss out. I told my DS it was entirely his choice. He is spending 3 yrs there and it is about so much more that the academic side and I think he appreciated having someone who had seen it to talk it over.

Sorry -any course 'fine' not found.

what an odd post.what's it got to do with you?!!
my mum and i are very close,she came with me to the uni's i visited in england (i saw some in scotland on my own)..i enjoy her company and value her opinion.it would have never have occured to me that she wouldn't be coming..i would have been quite hurt if she hadn't wanted to come and take part in my little adventure! plus it was a lovely summmer,and we had a great time strolling about the towns/cities/uni's/shops and stopping off for lunch etc...it's called being interested!

Ponders - "But if the parents are divorced, & the student lives with the mother who happens to have remarried advantageously & doesn't work so has no reportable income, then even if the father & step-father both have massive incomes the student is entitled to maximum finance of every kind." - I believe that's wrong. Student finance is now assessed on HOUSEHOLD income - so stepparents too.

i went with my 17yr old daughter to visit Leeds Uni. Just as well I did, she had only been given half of her student rail card and the inspector was demanding another £130 as her ticket was invalid. My credit card enabled us to complete the journey and sort out the matter later (she did not have that kind of money on her and would have had to get off the train, miss her interview etc) I met a freind for lunch while she had her interview, we all then met up for dinner and discussed what she thought - I enjoyed the time we spent together. She went to Exeter with her freind + her parents in their car as it was considerably cheaper. She went to the London audition/interviews on her own. The decision about where she goes has to be hers, but I hope she feels supported in her decision by parents who have some idea of what she is comparing. As with so many things in life, one size does not fit all.

Someone said that not going with them does not equate to not caring. Of course it doesn't. And going with them does not equate to controlling or having a pathetic spoilt mummy's boy/girl for a child. Horses for courses and each to their own. It depends on the child's wishes, the distance, the practicalities, and any reservations the parents may have about any cost to them versus the end benefit to the child, and a hundred other considerations. Some things may worry/interest some parents but not others. Get over it OP.

I'd be interested to know if you thought all parents ought to refuse point blank to let their children move back home ever again, whilst they look for a job and sort out their debts, which frankly can take years? After all, it's got sod all to do with them.

I also help run open days and am pleased to see the parents there. I don't judge them for it. Don't mind the questions they ask, either, although the one about how much tuition they get for the fees they pay should be addressed to those further up the University chain ...

No!

When I went to University it was very unusual for parents to go too; never saw any. And the open days/interviews were great fun; it was good to meet other 17 year olds from other parts of the country.

However, I think now that parents contribute more financially, they want more input.

But, I would be disappointed if my children wanted me to go with them; I would want them to be a bit more self-motivated about their ambitions and futures.

well said Tiggy R I was about to word something similar

the loan of 3.5k doesnt generally cover accomodation if you choose your uni wisely.
if you go in the centre of london, of course you are going to be paying more!
my DD took the financial aspect into BIG consideration when choosing her uni, because she was determined not to take any money off me, she hadnt since she was 16 so why would she start again when she is effectively moving out?
if something went wrong and she needed money to tide her over i would, but only if it was exceptional circumstances. not that she spent all her loan in the first few weeks.

my DD would like to add to all parents that its wise to work out a weekly budget from whatever means/sources your student will get. she said the ones who stick to a set amount each week dont end up so badly at the end of the year, or in summer when they have no money! [if they cant get a summer job]

i went to uni from 1989 - 1992. parents did not come with me for visits when choosing where to apply because back then, they didn't need to be so involved, no tuition fees to pay and i got a full grant so was independent.

sorry op, but i think saying it has got sod all to do with parents is a bit naive. with tuition fees of up to 4k per year, plus living expenses, very few students can go to uni these days without parental support, and if i'm paying in excess of 12k for something, i'd like to see what my money gets.

I agree with Rockbird, all my mates have gone with their dc to visit unis,why would they not, seems more odd not to show an interest.Bear in mind that not all 17 year olds are used to roaming the streets and travelling all over on their own. I would be more concerned at lack of parental support

"Someone said that not going with them does not equate to not caring. Of course it doesn't. And going with them does not equate to controlling or having a pathetic spoilt mummy's boy/girl for a child. Horses for courses and each to their own."

The most sensible comment I've seen (apologies to anyone else who has written similar - it just looked to me that this 'has to be' the post that could end the thread as it should be acceptable to all!)

Well, we all feel quite 'horses for courses' in our hearts but it does makes for a v dull debate.

Britfish makes a very good point about the student loans. My eldest has this loan and it wouldn't be enough to pay for his accommodation costs let alone food and books etc. I don't know who all these extra students are but I get the feeling they must be from fairly affluent families. When I was at university I got minimum grant and it was almost as much as my eldest gets now. It was a LONG LONG time ago too. We give him what we can to help out.

What I mean to say is that its a bit silly expecting young adults to try to budget effectively with the little money they can borrow and the very little they can earn in the low paid jobs that students usually get; on top of this we expect them to study hard and get a good degree. Being thrown out of uni because you haven't done the work/made the grade is far more common than it used to be and unlike A levels there is no second chance.

We ask a lot of young people today, far more than was asked of us in the past.