to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

[AmberTheHappyLuddite]

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

Perhaps some dch are independent enough to go on their own, as you were OP. Others might want a bit of hand-holding for their first foray away from home.

But I think that as a parent, I'd want to go, so that when he's not there I'll have in my mind's eye the place that my PFB would be spending the next two years. Otherwise it's an 'unknown', and we don't like those, do we?

The OP said: "Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now."
We are in the middle of filling in the student loan forms - yes parents have to fill these in unless the student can prove he/she has been completely independent of parents (that rules out the majority of 18/19 year olds).
We've never accompanied a DS to an interview - but interviews are relatively rare for university entrance but we have gone to some open days and kept a pretty low profile whilst there.
We've also taken DS1 to and from university several times, helped him move house etc. He asked our advice when he took a job after graduating and has also asked our advice on returning to university for a higher degree. I'm sure that is pretty normal where there is a good relationship.
What we have done, is to let them get on with it when they start university - we provided a chocolate cake and a bottle of vodka and told them to keep their door open and meet people. We then leave them to contact us when they are ready and we go off and enjoy our empty nest.

I agree with you lily, and others who've made the same sort of comments

Not read all the replies but my Dad went with me to my uni visits because he was driving the car! Bit mean to leave him sat in the car park

My parents had a vested interest, it was called their daughter.

"Do we go up and hold our DC's hands when they go on stage at the nativity?"

Don't know about anyone else, but my parents watched, and helped me prepare. Anyway, that aside, how is nativity comparable to making what may be a life changing decision?

Also I think a fair few of you are getting Uni viewings and Uni interviews mixed up. No, a parent shouldn't be in an interview. But why can't they be in a viewing? Why once you are 17-18 are your parents not allowed to express an opinion? And why shouldn't an opinion be an informed one?

THe viewing is not about "meeting new people" and "going to scary places" or "having independance", it's about deciding where the best place is for a teenager to learn the needed skills for the rest of their life! A good time for some input from some sensible adults I'd have thought?

Kaloki, I think the issue is that many courses will not hold interviews, so the open day may be the student's only opportunity to make an impression on an admissions tutor in person.

I really wanted to go on my
open days by myself, but then I hated my mother and couldn't wait to get away from home.
I hope my two never experience the desperation to leave home. If they ask me to go with them on their open days I will be there like a shot (I will be fascinated to see how accomodation/libraries/lecture halls gave changed) but if they don't want me to go with them then I won't.
Not only does the OP not give parents much credit, but it also gives a very limited view of 17 year olds. Having taught hundreds over the years I can attest ghat in the vast majority of cases the parents are there because the young adult WANTS them there. They would be vocal and downright stroppy if they didn't.

Really MillyR? I guess I applied for art courses, so there was always an interview.

Exactly what clemette said

So what I am picking up here is that as soon as my children reach 18 I should wipe my hands of them and have nothing more to do with their adult life.

Also when my dd wants me to go wedding dress shopping with her I'll just let her know that she is an adult now and doesn't need the opinion or companionship of her mother anymore.

I think the OP is being very unreasonable.

I have just asked DD1 what she thought about this and she said it was helpful to have me at the university open days because it was all a blur to her and I managed to remember some useful things that she had forgotten. Her opinion is that if you want to have parents with you then that's your choice and when she was agonising over which university to choose (she never makes any decisions lightly) it was nice to have someone who knew what she was talking about.

I would never dream of influencing her choice and very much took a back seat in the whole process. I do think that because there are so many universities and courses to choose from and added to that there is the debt at the end so perhaps it is easier to make an expensive mistake now than it was 20 years a go. A place at university used to be a ticket to a good job but now it could be a speculator waste of time. Is it any wonder that in those circumstances teenagers want a bit of adult help.

I have a really close and supportive family but didn't really think to go with family/parents - I remember going up to Newcastle on a train on my own at 17 - didn't seem like a big deal but it was neither right nor wrong - it was what I wanted to do. If I'd have asked my parents to come they'd have been there like a shot. If my kids decide Uni is for them and want me to go I'll go but likewise if they want to take it alone I'll hang back. I remember quite liking meeting the other potential students too and chatting with them about their other Uni choices and visits which might have been harder with parents there. Maybe it's more the norm to take them these days (it was 22 years ago that I went).

you know, it's a funny thing. part of what put me off moving out at 18 was the unacknowledged instinct that my mother, being an 'out of sight, out of mind' person, would show no interest in helping/supporting/being there for me if I did.

I waited until I was 20, and a little more mature, but I had turned out to be right in my intuition - she didn't visit me once in 9 months while I had moved 45 miles away, and treated my phone calls as a nuisance.

This treatment, bizarrely, did noy make me FEEL independent, it only made me hide my fear and incompetence with dealing with the world behind a shell of mouthiness and bravado.

I'm not that far off graduating from uni myself, and I believe you should go to uni on yer todd for a look. You should especially go on your own actually.
Why?
Because that is how you learn.
Your parents should be there for back up if you make a mistake, but kids should be allowed to make this kind of mistake to better equip them in the future.

Yes I made some terrible mistakes, for example, choice of flatmates/house/location, but I wouldn't change it for the world and my mum was always there to help me pick it up and learn from the experience; which I wouldn't have been able to do had I held her hand.

It's not about caring or not caring. It's about respecting your kid's decisions and helping them realise goals without mollycoddling.

It's uni, not death camp.

Pointydog, Riven there are grants, completely means-tested. The maintenance loan is partially means-tested. I think it's the fact that students now have to pay fees that may make them more dependent on parental support unless they take out a loan to pay the fees.

I would not have allowed my parents to go with me on visits and was surprised than some other people had realtives with them. I do expect to go to some open days with my children, mainly because I'm likely to drive them rather than them taking a train. I don't expect to ask questions, that's their job, but I am suggesting to them things they should consider when deciding what unis to visit. Up to them whether they listen or not.

I'm busy now trying to train them in things like budget management and the other things they should know about living away from home. They can operate washing machines and irons but cleaning is beyond them . Caring about your child's future requires educating them in how to live independently. It doesn't mean you can't be a safety net.

I think the problem is that the OP has made an sweeping generalisation. You cannot assume that everyone who arrives with their parents lacks independence. Though it is a fair assumption that many of them will lack independence.

If my DCs wanted me there, I'd go but no way would I be asking questions; That does seem too much to me.

However, I am hoping to encourage more independence as soon as they become teenagers by encouraging trips away and train journeys to London etc. I want them to understand the value of money and how to budget, how to cook, clean, iron etc.

I am also keen to encourage a gap year involving travel and work in other countries. Hopefully, that will help with independence.

DH's mother sent him off to uni having never used the washing machine, never ironed, never really cooked etc. Personally, I don't think this is giving your kids the best start.

I also have this theory that the more I let them go (gently) as teenagers, the less likely they will be to push me away at 18. Whether it works or not remains to be seen.

I think that 18 is still very young. I became pregnant at that age and I really needed my parents. To leave home and start a whole new life is very daunting. Maybe parents are being over protective but it is the last time that they get to make a choice, or help make a choice for their children. My son went to uni last sept and I was the youngest mum there but I felt extremely proud to be part of this huge step in his life. We can't just let them go without showing them how much we care.They need to know whatever happens there is a good support network at home, whenever or if ever they need it.

I find it strange that people equate not going with your offspring as not caring for them. That's not the case. My parents cared for me, but thought that at 17/18, you were an adult. In fact, it wasn't just my parents. 25 years ago, I only saw one parent on my university rounds - and I pitied the poor daughter!

When I was a yoof, many of us had weekend jobs, paper rounds etc, and many of our friends who hadn't stayed on had been working since 15. I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't secretly long for my parents to be there, and I wasn't quaking in my boots. And I made the choice all by myself, and didn't regret it...

However, I guess now something must have changed. Parents seem to want to be so involved in their children's lives. It's been increasing gradually, hasn't it? And those who don't show this "obsessive" interest are being denigrated as bad parents.

I guess the original poster made a sweeping generalisation because she was hacked off with the helicopter parents, and so incorporated the interested-but-hands-off parents as well. However, no-one wants to admit to being a helicopter and it obviously touched a raw nerve...

Hmm, I asked ds today what he'd prefer and he was adamant that he'd want to look around Unis alone, as after all he'll be the one going.

Must admit to feeling a bit disappointed.

I think I'll wear an overcoat and false moustache and stalk him

I do find it intriguing that some assume that students who didn't take their parents with them didn't want any input or advice from their parents when it came to making their decision, or didn't have a good relationship with their parents, or their parents didn't care as much.

I certainly knew my parents cared and that I had a good support network at home, without them trotting round campuses with me. When I got home from each visit I discussed it with them, told them what I'd found and my views. They didn't need to see the campuses with me to be able to discuss my decision with me.

Some people obviously feel they benefited from their parents accompanying them, fine, but I think inferring a lack of interest, concern or input from those parents who didn't accompany their offspring is a bit much.

This was all 16-17 years ago though, and as I say, virtually nobody brought their parents with them, so perhaps things are different now.

Well done to your ds, mumblechum

Hahahaha @ OP

Silly woman. My parents went with me because they were interested, I wanted their opinion as I respect them, but at the end of the day I made the choice and have always been very independant.

Like others said OP, DO get over yourself

Well i did go on my own until the trains let me down ... basically i was suppose to go from London to Wales and the train decided to stop permently in a very dodgy city - imagine walking past drug dealers in an underpass to get to the ticket office! I should not have said anything but ever honest i did and like i said i was never allowed on own after that. O how sheltered was I!