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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be irritated at parents accompanying their kids on university visits?

542 replies

AmberTheHappyLuddite · 11/04/2010 19:03

Why do parents do this? I've seen dozens of them in the last few weeks, standing on either side of their offspring like a couple of pot dogs... Why are they there? The decision of which university to go to is not theirs, it has nothing to do with them - these are young adults not babies. It seems bizarrely intrusive to me - I visited all of my potential universities independently, including one five hundred miles away. Nor did I consult my parents about where to go, I informed them of my choice. However, this was a few years ago and my parents put a heavy emphasis on independence.

Let your kids do this alone - it has sod all to do with you now.

OP posts:
Anste · 12/04/2010 21:09

YABU. It looks like you don't have children of your own - otherwise you'd understand.

Ponders · 12/04/2010 21:09

cretaceous, I find it strange that some people interpret going with your children as smothering & controlling them...

funny, eh?

wb · 12/04/2010 21:10

Last thing I would have wanted at 17 was my mummy or daddy coming to university interviews with me (and yes, they did care). Hard to believe that teenagers have changed that much and makes me feel old.

The idea of a 17 year old not being able to manage the train journey would be funny if not so cringingly sad.

Until recently I worked with quite a lot of new graduates and was constantly gobsmacked at the number who had not yet made the transition to adulthood, so perhaps I am just old and cynical.

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 21:16

So did nobody else go to university to drink loads and shag posh boys then? I honestly went to shut my mum up and live in a big city, which course I did was simply a matter of what I could blag for 3yrs. Hence I do disagree that 18yr old are more immature now than 14yrs ago.

GladioliBuckets · 12/04/2010 21:23

NB I do realise that I was very lucky to be of an era when this was affordable.

WebDude · 12/04/2010 21:29

"Surely it's a continuation of the need that many parents have to be minutely involved in their children's education from nursery up."

While many parents might have that need, I don't see it as being at all bad, if parents are invited to attend, whether for convenience (travel), or for a second opinion, and as one poster put it, "having a day out with one's teenage daughter does not equate to wanting to control her life."

I was very stunned to see someone else post that even if asked she would not go. She has her reasons, but it takes all sorts...

-- * --

Now all MN needs is a way to let people vote so the two sides don't carry on posting, as both sides seem to have 'dug in' on this one!

Cretaceous · 12/04/2010 21:31

It would be interesting to see the vote correlated to age of poster

Who would have thought this subject could go to over 400 posts...

Perhaps someone's child could post this on a teen forum, and get their take on it

BoffinMum · 12/04/2010 21:45

I actually like seeing the parents there. They ask much better questions than their kids, such as "Why don't you have more Vgotsky on the course?" Bring it on, I say.

BoffinMum · 12/04/2010 21:46

I actually like seeing the parents there. They ask much better questions than their kids, such as "Why don't you have more Vgotsky on the course?" Bring it on, I say.

webwiz · 12/04/2010 21:48

Here's a short thread for you on the Student Room forum meltedchocolate

www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=818226

webwiz · 12/04/2010 21:52

Actually that was for Cretaceous was too busy looking at other threads at the same time.

KristinaM · 12/04/2010 21:54

OP - if you actually are involved in training young people then I suggest that you try to become a little more open minded and less judgemental of other types of families/backgrounds/cultures. You might also learn a little about how most students fund their university education these days

Or are you in fact a bored teenager off school on " study leave"???

BoffinMum · 12/04/2010 21:59

Actually if their parents came to uni with them, that might solve my attendance problems in one fell swoop.

Cretaceous · 12/04/2010 21:59

webwiz - wish I had chosen the name meltedchocolate - so much more me

This post made me laugh:
"Its really strange when you're sat at a talk and it feels as though all of the other students in your year are going to be 50 year old house wives as they are usually the ones who end up doing all of the talking."

BoffinMum · 12/04/2010 22:02

They don't always talk sense either ... sometimes it's good stuff, but sometimes they hevan't done the reading properly.

BoffinMum · 12/04/2010 22:05

In Germany they've got problems with the number of grandparent-aged students and the way they fall asleep in lectures!

clemette · 12/04/2010 22:10

Musing, even if my mum had been stable, she wouldn't have come with me because she hadn't been to university gerself and so felt completely overawed by the whole idea. I wonder if there is now a generation of parents of teenagers who benefitted from the free and extended university places of the 70s and 80s, and who are genuinely interested in what universities today are like.

oranges123 · 12/04/2010 22:11

I haven't read all the posts so apologies if this is repetitious but I think this is just something which has changed over time.

When I went to interviews/open days for uni, over 20 years ago, nobody went with their parents so it would have been really embarrassing to have had them there. You just went on the train by yourself.

I expect part of the change, as people have said, is down to the increased financial input many parents have - although mine paid for all my living expenses, there were no fees to pay then. Another is probably increased fears over safety. I had a lot more freedom to travel by myself and with friends than most teenagers I know of have now.

However, the main change I think is probably the increased level of involvement parents have in all aspects of their children's education, and possibly their lives generally, now. In many ways, I am sure it is a good thing although I am glad I had the freedom and independence that was commoner then.

That said, I am sure I will be a total "helicopter parent" or whatever they are called as my daughter gets older.

leosdad · 12/04/2010 22:21

I went to one visit with DC just out of curiosity as it was the uni I was at over thirty years ago (different subject though) and wanted to see the changes etc and also interested in what the labs would look like etc. Didn't go on any others though until the guided tour on graduation day (different uni).
Whether I accompany next DC on a visit will depend on where it is and ease of transport to get there.

alicatte · 12/04/2010 22:47

I can't understand why there is a problem don't most children discuss this sort of thing with their parents?

I'd have loved it all those years ago if either of my parents had felt able to come with me.

My husband acted as driver for our eldest for all the universities he went to see. Some of them had even put on a 'tour for parents' with details about finance and accommodation included - really useful.

alypaly · 12/04/2010 22:50

i mentioned it earlier in this threaqd about dangerous landlady with house illegally wired,and shower showing electrical wiring near water,sewage leaking from pipe in downstairs toilet.Just asking a question,but if you didnt accompany you son or daughter to their first accomodation after leaving halls of residence....how bad would you feel if you found out they were being treated like this months down the line ,rather than at the beginning of the term. There could have been fatality here and then how guilty would some parents have felt. One of the girls that was sharing the house with my son never had a visit from either parent and they never knew what dreadful conditions they were living in. These 18 year olds dont know what to look for with housing,legal matters,bolier certificates etc....its something you learn or get advice from a parent about.

Thank god i visited...my son is still alive rather than lying in the bottom of the the shower electrocuted and i have reprted the landlady(mongrel) to nottingham council for investigation as she failed to show me proof of gas and electric certification. Also the gas range cooker was standing 6 inches away from the wall and was not anchored to the wall by the compulsory fitment. How would the girls and guys know about that?

I am glad to help when needed.

gaelicsheep · 12/04/2010 23:03

I think things have changed - a lot - since I went to university over a decade ago, and yes it probably is because parents tend to have a greater financial investment these days. It doesn't make it right though. These young people are adults, or nearly adults, and they have to stand on their own two feet and make their own mistakes (dreadful rented accommodation aside, but that's a different issue from the OP).

I seem to remember that many so-called open days doubled as informal assessments of potential students. It would have been really frowned on for any prospective student to be accompanied by parents and I hardly even remember seeing it. I got myself there, stayed over on my own where necessary and got myself home again.

The exception was auditions for music college when I was generally accompanied because, god knows, I needed the moral support. That's a different scenario though.

alicatte · 12/04/2010 23:19

Reflecting further on this, it seems to me that the universities do seem to be expecting the parents now - or they wouldn't be putting the tours and information sessions on for parents. Perhaps it is to do with the changed financial support arrangements. Maybe its just because car travel is so ubiquitous and expected these days. Maybe co-operative relationships between parents and children are more usual these days than they were when most of us were students (as I guess they have been through most periods of history - except for the 'rebellious' social fashions of the 60s and 70s, and a bit of the 80s and 50s too).

nappyaddict · 12/04/2010 23:29

If my child didn't want me to go I wouldn't insist on it but if they did want me to go I would be there without hesitation. Sometimes parents come up with questions that would be good to ask that the kids may not think of. Also the unis put on talks about how the financial arrangements work which parents probably want to know a bit about. If they are paying for halls of residence they probably want to see what they are like to see if the more expensive ones are actually worth the extra money or not.

gaelicsheep · 12/04/2010 23:33

It strikes me that we're raising a generation of spoilt brats who can't stand on their own two feet. It also seems to be expected that these 21 year old children adults go back to live at home after finishing uni. How things have changed. I couldn't wait to leave home and there is no way I would have gone back again. University used to be all about making your own way in the world. Now it seems like it's just an extension of school, spoon feeding and all.