To have had enough of ex-wife's quack b**s***

[stoat]

So partners little boy comes to stay with us every other weekend and it is great. No probs with that. But control freak ex-wife (actually still wife, they are not divorced yet.... long story) is an "allergy therapist" and every time he comes there is some new friggin food he can't have. It changes every few weeks coz she "tests" him by bending his arm. Load of rubbish in my opinion but I tolerate it but now I am sick of it all interfering in our lives. Latest thing tonight is that he can't "run around" tomorrow as he has "had a treatment" that needs to "settle". So no tennis for us as planned.

Stoat, FWIW, I think you're doing a great job on the weekends you have visitation and you obviously care greatly about the little boy. I do think the ball is in your DP's court wrt communication with the boy's mother though. Through all of this, the DP is coming across as very passive and not too willing to assert himself. You seem to be bearing the brunt of the unresolved issues between him and the exW, at least in practical terms, when the boy is staying in your home, and that's not fair to you. The exW may have chosen an unconventional approach to allergies (btw I don't subscribe to all that microwave/tinfoil/nail polish/ chemical stuff you mention the child is alarmed at) but it is up to your DP to make things easier for you on weekends, and I would be a bit less patient with him if I were you.

I don't know what sort of legal advice you have available to you, but details about when one parent's remit ends and the other's begins can be worked out through mediation or through the courts. It's very much in the child's best interests for both parents to be on the same page where medical issues are concerned, if only because of the possibility of emergencies cropping up where information might be needed right on the spot.

If it turns out that the DP is willing to go along with the allergy approach, then he at least needs to grow a backbone and try to make the whole thing easier for you. I think you should expect more from him in terms of settling his divorce and also in terms of asking the exW to provide information ahead of time for you both. If you really believe your DP is a man capable of being indoctrinated then you may have quite a lot of work on your hands to force him to be a bit more assertive.

thesecondcoming

Well done. Not everyone can behave as perfectly and be the martyr you are.

We all cope differently, we are all unique. Shock, horror.

I just hope if you ever struggled or do in the future or you have slightly different views to well...yours...you aren't met with the judgemental, biased attitude you have just reaped over the OP's stepsons mother.

And that is from someone who is also a single mother.

And did you not say if your marriage breaks up thats your fault?

Not that I can see apportioning blame actually helps in these situations, much betetr to learn from the past and hope for the future?

What this thread shows, above all else, is the sad spectacle of two women at loggerheads, one forced to adjust plans and meals at the last minute every two weeks, while a man coasts along, permitted to take the path of least resistance and seemingly not too bothered by any of what's going on.

Stoat, I think you should ask your DP to take over all activity and meal planning, food shopping and cooking for the weekends his son is at your home, and see how quickly things change for the better, chez vous.

Also OP, hats off to you for handling the whole divorce thing. I really would struggle with the fact he is still married. My partner was already divorced when i met him but his ex still has his last name... In fact she still calls herself 'Mrs XXX' and even that sends chills through me so I think you are wonderful (not that you could do anything about anyway)

I can see why she keeps his name because she doesnt want a different name to her daughter and I do understand of course but even though I know its irrational, man does it make me cross!!! Particularly because I dont have his name myself yet

Ha ha and there are my insecurities and shoulder chips for all to see! Guess we all have 'em

Stoat, I think you should ask your DP to take over all activity and meal planning, food shopping and cooking for the weekends his son is at your home, and see how quickly things change for the better, chez vous."

Why would anyone not do that? I can't understand women who accept sexism. What's wrong with them?

foureleven

Funny you should mention that, when my ex moved in with his "lady" (I use the term loosely) I reverted back to my maiden name even though our divorce is not yet complete.

The thought of sharing his name with her should he ever decide to marry her sent chills to the centre of my soul, even though it meant I no longer had the same name as two of my three children.

For what its worth I do sympathise with the OP and it does sound like you are up against so fairly extreme views, but we are all entitled to raise our own DC's how we see fit and being judgemental and at loggerheads about her faith in alternative medicines or anything else won't, I don't think, help in this situation. If anything it will probably make her dig her heels in and make life even more tricky.

PP's are right in that your DP needs to try and tactfully sort this out with her and come to a set of ground rules and a comprimise.

thesecondcoming

I'm not the mother of the OP's stepson...how am I using my kids as a weapon?

Xenia, I have confessed in the past that I have a small crush on you and LOVE your opinions but I dont get this post...?
Why cant they share all that stuff, otherwise you'd have her cooking for her baby, him cooking for his son etcetc and I dont think it would do much for the bond between the OP and her stepson if he only had his dad do everything for him when he stayed..?

We all kind of muck in and do everything for each other on weekends where step daughter, my daughter and us are home. (Have to say though if my daughter is at her dads and only his daughter is with us I dont lift a bloody finger )

Is this the end of your position as my role model MNer ???

Ladyanonymous; thats interesting as she told me once NO woman would change their name from their childs just because they got divorced... I can see her particular point of view for herself as its just something thats important to her. But I thought it was an odd statement to make. I wouldnt want to share a name with my partners new wife either and I can see why you changed yours.

I wonder if we get married will she change her name back to her original name..? We actually have quite a respectful realtionship so she might not bother but Id be interested to see...

Lots of mums dont have the same name as their child. Me included!

It wasn't my quote but you do see far too many women rushing around clearing up after their own and step children whilst men sit around. It's not so much about not mucking in but more about who is going to sort things out and deal with them. There's no reason men can't be 100% in charge of washing and women cooking for example.

I suppose my point was more that this is the father's child. If the child has special dietary needs to which the father wants to pander to keep in with the child's mother (and let's not forget the father does have a legal right to access to the child's GP records by the way and he should think about accessing them) then let the step mother simply set aside and say wow this is wonderful - complex food requirements for the son - perfect excuse for me to read the paper on Saturday evenings whilst the father does all weekend cooking. Aren't I lucky the first wife is such an idiot as it frees me from cooking at weekends. Seems like a win win to me.

Foureleven, (Xenia was quoting me, you can keep on loving her from afar ) the point of having him do everything (including the baby care) is that he is the father of the baby and also of the little boy, and right now someone else is carrying the can for him. His regrettable passivity has resulted in extra work for his nearest and presumably dearest. He gets the fun of having his boy over, while the DP gets the extra work involved. I suspect the food thing would be sorted very quickly if he understood the drawbacks the situation would hold for him if he was dealing personally with it all.

Why shouldn't a father do a parent's job? Why is all of this on the woman's plate? She is accepting way too much responsibility here.

Does the father not have to have a PRO to access medical records?.....

Ok Xenia, youre right again, of course

I thought you were agreeing with the post/ quote 100% that because its his son, he should do 100% of the work while he was there.

But if you do make things easier that doesn't have to be b y condoning nutters. Men can shop and cook. They have arms. Just don't do that aspect of domesticity. Come over to a feminist thread and learn how most couples are. Women aren't servants. Men can not just help but share things fairly.

You dion't really need to know what the dietary needs are if the father is doing the cooking and shopping for the weekends the boy is there. Unless you're a cooking servant and slave to the family but which women in 2010 are that unless they are idiots. Say you;ll mow the grass the weekends the boy comes and he can shop and cook for him - much more fun and good exercise and you can build a sun tan over the summer at the same time and he;'ll have to mind the boy more to keep him away from the moweer, anoth er win win

Aloise...said it first.

Hmm I think Im confused. I might have missed the bit where the OP said that the father didnt do anything..? I thought she was pissed off that the both had to keep changing their routine because of the childs mother? Of course he shoulddo his fair share, I only assumed he did because thats what happens in my house. We do the same as each other. Its not him 'helping out' Its his house as much as mine, we have a kid each. So we do the same share each.

I can only comment on my own situation I guess.. I LOVE cooking, my partner doesnt so I do it all, pretty much. If when his daughter stayed with us he had to do it all I would be frankly cutting my nose off to spite my face as it would take away one of the few pleasures i actually have time for!! He does ALL the washing including his daughter's, mine and my daughters and his own. I prefer to wash the bathroom and he hoovers.. I do the shopping on line because I know what I need for the cooking... He takes the girls shopping for any clothes they need because I cant stand town.. .its split down the middle.

Just re read your post xenia. i think I get it, your just saying she could do the 'man' stuff and he could do the washing and cooking? Ok, I had trouble because I forget that everyone doesnt split household jobs down the middle and that some women do all the 'womens' jobs.

I still say its reading in to it a bit much that OPs partner doesnt do half the house stuff...

OP, please clarify?

Meldramatic?

I didn't find divorce or separating particually mundane either time...but then what would I know?

And I would say expressing that you wanted to cut off someones knob with a rusty knife was pretty meladramatic...

4/11, yes, it depends how they split it but she shoudl just keep out of it all and rise above it and leave the father to sort out his ex's issues. If the child is like mine they presumably want to do the opposite of what the mother said so it will be a dead easy job then, won't it? I have never understood all these compliant children who always do what their mothers say when they're with their fathers. Are they hypnotised for hours by their mothers or are they deathly dull with no ideas of their own? As someone said above you only have to wait a year or two and he'll realise his mother is a nutter and ignore her views.

I guess it takes one to know one thesecondcoming.

I haven't said once that I think divorce is unfair, and I object to you suggesting I would use my own kids as a weapon in my own situation which, I never have, even in the face of extreme adversity.

I think you're making sweeping statements and mass assumptions about a lot of people you don't know and a situation none of us know the ins and out of, and resorting to swearing and patroninsing addresses such as "dear" (I am not your dear) to get your point across.

I also find your attitude very harsh and very bigoted. Your way is not the only way. Thats one of the joys of being an adult in a country of (supposed) free speech.