To have had enough of ex-wife's quack b**s***

[stoat]

So partners little boy comes to stay with us every other weekend and it is great. No probs with that. But control freak ex-wife (actually still wife, they are not divorced yet.... long story) is an "allergy therapist" and every time he comes there is some new friggin food he can't have. It changes every few weeks coz she "tests" him by bending his arm. Load of rubbish in my opinion but I tolerate it but now I am sick of it all interfering in our lives. Latest thing tonight is that he can't "run around" tomorrow as he has "had a treatment" that needs to "settle". So no tennis for us as planned.

*not

How scientific is arm-bending as a means of testing for allergies then? It sounds a bit flaky ...

pixie, i don't think anybody should treat a child badly, a poor example if you ask me.

but a step-parent shouldn't have no say over a child life as a parent should.

i am sorry to say but if any women try to play mum to my children she would have a very very difficult time.

OP loves him, looks after him and clearly has concerns - so she has a right to hold an opinion about the little boy in her care. But the ball clearly has to be in her DP's court when tactfully raising this with the boy's mother.

I think the OP can say for example re heating the baby's bottle, "I know that is something that concerns your mum, but in this house we do it this way and with no ill effects, but everyone has different opinions." - Reassure and demonstrate without any drama.

But with regards to what he himself eats - e.g. no chocolate at Easter, then his father needs to tackle this one.

Reading the OP made me realise that maybe my step daughter's mother isnt the only batty crank on the block.

I must look and see if there's a step parents board on here because I feel like you are feeling often and theres not a lot of support for step parents about.

Although my initial thought was that his mum is nuts, I cant really judge when i dont know the full situation.

But what i can say is that when you become a true step parent (which isnt the day you marry the kids dad IMHO, it can be a long time before and equally a long time after that - not legally I know, but I regard it more as a responsibility and spiritual thing)you have earned the right to an opinion.

There is a lot of 'maternal gatekeeping' that goes on for varying reasons (I have to keep a check on my own!) and it can be really hurtful to the stepaprent when you really have opened your home and your heart to a child that you grow to love dearly.

Mushy stuff aside, who wants there weekend ruled by their partners ex's rules eurghh its horrid! Especially if she's a bit of a control freak character!

You have my support, I feel your pain.

I have to say though I disagree that OP should take the child for an appointment behind the mothers back.. thats not right. Id be pretty livid if someone did that with my daughter.

As both a mother of a child with a step parent and a step parent myself I can see both sides of this frustrating situation.

There is a step parent thread by the way... and im off to ask it a question!

A normal and secure mum, whilst finding it tricky not to maternal gate keep at times, will appreciate that her child has a caring and loving family enviroment to go to.

When my step daughter is here (4 days a week, which technically means we are the main carers but thats a whole other gripe!) we are a family of four. Simple as. I treat her like I treat my own and dp treats both girls the same. I wouldnt be able to just sit back while he cared for her the whole time she was here. Its her home too and I am the mother of this home, I care for everyone in it.

Its hard to grasp if you've not had a step child yourself or had a child who also has a step parent.

Could also try being one step ahead with his son's mum, who does seem to want to exhibit a level of control over him through food:
"Allergic to turkey? No problem we're having beef for Xmas dinner"
"Allergic to chocolate? Glad we stocked up on the ice-cream & marshmallows"
"Allergic to wrapping paper? No worries, we wrap presents in natural hessian"

But poor ds does need to have dp stand up for him if he's already exhibiting levels of anxiety re food. He's too young probably to laugh off his mother's idiosyncrasies.

Yes, I hope that your dp is on the same page as you and trying to tackle this with the mother.

We only have one person's word for the battiness, crankiness, weirdness, and other alleged personality traits of the mother many have mentioned on this thread, and only the vaguest description of the kind of allergy treatment or testing the child is undergoing. Frankly, the OP read like a hatchet job of that mother, whose legally married husband she is living with.

If you're not legally a stepmother, however involved you may be in the care of your partner's child, I don't think you get to ride roughshod over the wishes of the mother vis a vis the diet of your partner's child. The ball is in the DP's court as far as involvement in his son's medical care goes.

It might help the child's anxiety level if all the parties got together and at least tried to get their act together, learn the details of the allergy thing, and see how well they could co-operate for the sake of the child.

I don't know why the divorce is such a long story, or why details like communication on such an important topic as medical decisions for the child have not been settled prior to setting a visitation schedule. It is one of the most important things anyone having weekend care of a child needs to have clearly spelled out. Who gets to make a decision if the child needs emergency medical treatment? Who can accompany the child to hospital or decide to call an ambulance? What about communication with the other parent in case of emergency -- when must it be done? Who has access to the child's medical records? Who is the child's usual doctor? What medications or treatments is the child taking/undergoing? All pertinent information should be shared. For the sake of the child these things must be clear.

That's a really good point, mathanxiety, but there is a certain amount of evidence you can pick up from reading between the lines.

For example, the fact that the foods this child has 'allergies' (okay, 'intolerances') to/with seem to change on a very regular basis. I personally don't know of many serious allergies which come and go with that kind of frewquency - but I do know my mother did a similar thing to herself, constantly cutting out this food or that for a few weeks. I can honestly say that on not a single occasion did cutting out milk, or flour, or potatoes or whatever it was make the slightest bit of difference to her health.

I also know that my mum treated my dad with utter disrespect when it came to our medical care, and used to just plough through fad diet after fad diet in an attempt to get my 'obese' brother back in shape (medically he was never more than 'overweight'). She never took him or herself to a doctor or shared her concerns with my dad, because she had nothing but mild contempt for my dad, and a deep mistrust of what the doctors would say.

Most alternative medicine practicioners actively discourage seeing a doctor for most things (or have IME at least), so it's unlikely the mother would have taken the boy to an independant specialist anyway, and has made the diagnosis herself.

She clearly is sharing information on the treatments her son is being sent to the OP's house with, but not in a two-way sense. It's just a case of 'I have made this descision regarding my son's car; you have to stick by it.' My mother did exactly the same thing for years. Frankly, at points my dad was too worried she would try and withold access to kick up a fuss.

I'm not saying this definitely is the case, but some biological mothers really are very manipulative towards their ex-partners. Particularly if they feel the father 'only' has to be with them every other weekend, and therefore has little influence.

Also, bringing up the fact that the OP is living with a man still 'legally married' to his wife is utterly irrelevant. Divorce proceedings often drag out to ridiculous levels when one partner is being difficult (I know my parents' did); to be honest, that has absolutely no bearing on the fact that the OP lives with a separated man. I know you probably didn't intend it this way, but it does come across rather like you're trying to bash the OP for being grasping or something.

Thats very true, but why is the father doing nothing then? He's the other parent, not the OP, but it sounds like she is the only one with a problem with it, not him.

If the father was married to this woman for a number of years (the son is 8 but I don't know how long they were together before/how long ago they separated so can't comment too much) it's possible that he is still rather henpecked. The OP has said her DP is 'stuck in the middle', so possibly he doesn't want to jeapodise the situation by annoying his ex. If she's dragging out the divorce (and why would it be him doing that if he's found someone else) then she's clearly at least a little manipulative.

OP, I think there's a need for some more details here if you're still around. Why hasn't your DP said anything to his ex? Does he agree with her 'treatments', or is he a bit of a doormat when it comes to her? Because that will have a big part to play in what you reasonably can or can't do. If your Dp agrees with her on this, as others have said, it would be rather out of line for you to interfere, and if he doesn't, then it does really need to be him who says something unfortunately.

However nuts she may sound the woman is the childs MOTHER and primary carer and you should respect her wishes for HER child, as she is trusing you to do that.

Ladyanonymous - I dont agree. The OP isnt a childminder or paid help for the mother, she is a valid part of the childs life and has rights as such. No where near as many as the birth mum of course but she shouldnt have to do everything the mother says.

OP and her partner need to work out what they both feel is right in their home and then discuss it with birth mum. As the dad he has just as much say as mum. I'm assuming he agrees with OP.

Fourevelven - So if you sent your kids to a mates and asked that mate not to give your child a certain food and your mate overrode your wishes for your child you would be fine with it would you?

The mother of the OP's son hasn't even chosen the OP to be someone her son is spending time with, so it is doubly bad for her to label her a "quack" and dimiss her wishes for her child.

If the OP was giving her her step-son meat when she had been specifically asked not to many/most would think that out of order, how is this any different?

Yes maybe is it control freakery, but we only have the OP's side of the story and if it bothers her that much she shouldn't have embarked on a relationship with a bloke with "baggage".

No, not 'a mate' but when my daughter goes to stay with her dad and stepmum it's up to them what they do. Its their home and im so greatful that my daughter has a loving woman around when im not there that I would never wish to force my way of parenting on her.
If my daughter was a vegetarian and she gave her meat, that would be wrong but in my opinion not comparible.
We've had to make assumptions that the mum in OP is being unreasonable because she keeps changing the thing that the child cant eat. If he does have allergies I'm sure OP would follow the rules but I can understand that having constant rules changes enforced on her in her own home is annoying.

Also, maybe she feels its not good for the childs well being to keep having all these rule changes... kids like boundaries, routine and secure stable people looking after them. If OP and her partner are trying to acheive this and she feels that the mum is sabotaging it I can see she must be at the end of her tether.

Ps. I hardly ever claim to be 100% right about anything but I know for a FACT that birth mum isnt always right! I think that is apparent in too many cases to go in to.

Oh and also if I sent my daughter to a mates every weekend and each time told my mate a different food that she was unable to feed her... For one, my mate would call the men in white coats and for a second, she wouldnt look after my daughter any more because I would be putting un fair demands on her. OP doesnt have that choice.

However, as I said, not comparible. Step parents have way more rights IMO than mates.

Maybe you have been lucky enough to have someone step-parenting your children who you manage to have a mutual repsect with?

I have children who have a "step-parent" and me partner has children who aren't mine.

It is nothing to do with the birth mother being right, it is to do with respecting the birth mother, you are the "step-parent" not the adoptive parent, its a priviledge, not a god given right.

Hmm... mutual respect, yes. The same views about parenting, no!

And as for my step daughters mum, never have there been two mums more different. But she does let me get on with the way I want to raise her daughter in my own home. (most of the time!!)

Ladyanon, can I ask if you are a step parent? Im not being rude or saying if you arent then your opinion doesnt matter but it is hard to grasp if you havent experienced the emotions of being one.

I think that making a childs breakfast 4 days a week, taking them to school, helping them with their homework, going to parents evenings when mum cant be bothered, cuddling them when theyre sick, cooking their tea, having sole care when dad is away on business, taking time of work when theyre poorly, buying them their first bras, teaching them about periods, dealing with their tamtrums, loving them like you do your own child, paying for and taking them on holiday... gives you a few rights, no?