To have had enough of ex-wife's quack b**s***

[stoat]

So partners little boy comes to stay with us every other weekend and it is great. No probs with that. But control freak ex-wife (actually still wife, they are not divorced yet.... long story) is an "allergy therapist" and every time he comes there is some new friggin food he can't have. It changes every few weeks coz she "tests" him by bending his arm. Load of rubbish in my opinion but I tolerate it but now I am sick of it all interfering in our lives. Latest thing tonight is that he can't "run around" tomorrow as he has "had a treatment" that needs to "settle". So no tennis for us as planned.

That sounds awful, but its not the same as the OP's situation where the mother has custody of the child and the father and girlfriend see him every other weekend.

Thats what happens when you take on a man with children.

sorry ,think i read it wrong !

Yes it is a priviledge.

My children desparately want to see their father.

To acheieve this I have had:

• Anonymous phone calls made at my place of work (I work with teenagers so these have to be taken seriously).

• Completely unfounded allegations made against me at work resulting in an excruciatingly (and deliberately orchastrated) embarassing investigatory meeting with head of HR and my Cheif Exec.

• I have been breathalyzed on the school run at 8.30am with mine and other mums children in my car in front of all the other mums on the school run.

• The police have come to my house and threatened to arrest me for harrassment after I lost it after a series of particually abusive texts.

• My children coming home complaining that I am being slagged off by a woman who has never even met me.

• When I stopped the children going there he refused to even see them without her being involved and stopped my maintenance rendereing me incapable of paying the mortgage, so I had no choice but to give in.

These are just a few of the things that this person who has these apparent rights over my children has created.

loon. YANBU at all. But it is the childs father who needs to tell her to fuck off!

There are a lot of posters here who have a bee in their bonnets against the mothers of their partners' or husbands' children, apparently. Demonising the particular mother in the OP, and negatively judging her decisions about her own child's healthcare, based mostly on knee-jerk reactions stemming from insecurity, as far as I can tell, is an appalling example of groupthink. And whoever howled 'child abuse' needs to look again, and calm down.

Ladyanonymous, for you and your children.

Ladyanonymous. I really feel for you. How awful. I cant imagine the hurt you must feel handing your children over to this evil women... I thought wicked stepmothers were from disney films!

Makes me even more cross that my stepdaughters horrid to me sometimes.. She should be happy that her ex husband got with a nice lady!
Also makes me greatful that my daughters stepmum is a nice person.

OOOOh Id be plotting my revenge if I were you.. mind you I am very vengeful, its not a nice thing really.

Bet there wouldn't be half the emotion on this thread if it wasn't framed as a batty custodial mother vs. poor put upon stepmother issue.

And expecting gratitude from a stepchild is a really awful attitude. A stepchild is entitled to feel any way he or she likes about the new woman in dad's life. An adult should not be getting mad at a child's response. "She should be happy" and Get over yourself, foureleven. Teenagers are horrid sometimes. She's actually doing you the favour of treating you like family.

And equally, Mathanxiety a lot of posters who have a bee in their bonnets about stepmothers.

Every single OP on MN only gives one side of the story, one person's word. But apart from very obvious trolls, no other posters are accused of lying, or doing a 'hatchet job' on whoever they are having a problem with, except stepmothers.

Now it sounds like quackery to me, but even if it is actually cutting edge technology, it is still causing OP a problem, as it would me - how can you plan meals without knowing what a child is going to be allowed to eat each week? And isn't that what MN is for, to find help from other people? Practical advice perhaps, from people who have been there? Not chilly little moral judgements and snide comments about living with someone else's 'legal' husband.

Allergies and intolerances are two different things. Allergies are life threatening, intolerances are not and they are tested for in different ways.

'Arm bending' is used to test for intolerances and it has been roundly debunked. Google will be your friend there.

The mum in this scenario is a total woo merchant and I think that, complex blended family issues aside, the NRP and the OP should not have to collude with this utter bollocks.

Whether it's quackery or not is immaterial. This is about really poor communication between the mother and father of the child.

What's missing from the picture the OP paints, and the bandwagon many others have jumped onto, is any restraint about judging the mother and her opinions. "Total woo merchant"? We know this woman by hearsay only.

What the DP in this situation seems to me to be doing is sitting back and enjoying a catfight. (I am perfectly capable of having a swipe at exH's too... ) It's up to him to make his partner's life easier by requiring a list of permitted foods well in advance, and if the mother is doing the sort of food allergy regime I am familiar with, this will be possible. The DP knows there is a small baby in the house. He knows the OP seems to be doing most of the meal-planning, cooking and childcare, yet no mention has been made of him sorting out issues with the mother. He goes behind her back about the TV thing and seems unwilling to try to speak up for himself or his DP to reach a compromise. The OP's beef is equally with her DP and the maybe-not-soon-to-be-ex-wife, imo.

mathanxiety - When did I say my step daughter should be happy?? I said - "Makes me even more cross that my stepdaughters horrid to me sometimes.. She should be happy that her ex husband got with a nice lady!"

And I stand by it. I am happy that my ex partner is with a nice lady because she is kind to my daughter. I said that because I am especially 'happy' that my daughters step mum is nice on hearing Ladyanoymouses story.

I fail to see why I have to get over myself..?

"She should be happy that her ex husband got with a nice lady!"

Haha what a w@anker I am. Just realised I wrote 'stepdaughter' not 'stepdaughters mum'!

Sorry! Although the next part of the sentence kind of showed what I meant because I said her ex husband.

(Blushes profusely, and books herself on typing course!)

I do think she should be happy her ex husband got a nice lady. Im happy that my ex did, otherwise my daughter and I could be in the same situation as poor Ladyanonymous!

"What the DP in this situation seems to me to be doing..."

Hang on, we only know him by hearsay, too. But it's OK for you to suggest he is 'enjoying a catfight'? Could it also possibly be that he is worried that any requests from him might result in not seeing his child? Is he not entitled to decide whether or not his child can watch TV in his home, in his parenting time?

I am so glad I posted on here. The arm bending and it's diagnoses have been doing my head in for a long time and it has been good to hear all your varied comments. I am going to have a proper conflab with DP about his views on the arm bending. I think he has tolerated it for a long time and to be fair to him, he is a brilliant dad who has probably also been indoctrinated into the arm bending-healthy-allergy-free-woo-woo world of ExW. I haven't raised the subject much before as a) I don't really want to talk about his ExWife and b) it really hurts him to be away from his son and we try to keep positive about it all. (If you didn't read my previous post, ExWife left DP and took son with her quite a long way away) . That said, all the replies have helped me see that I am actually a caring and nice stepmum and that I, along with DP, do have an important role to play in DSS's life. I am not just a "girlfriend" living with someone else's "legal husband". We have a baby together and on visit weekends we are a bigger family. I don't differentiate between the two situations. I just feel a bit sorry for DSS and find the whole thing rather takes a lot of fun out of life. He doesn't have any allergies but he does have an in depth knowledge of chemicals, the danger of sugar, pesticides, tin foil and microwaves. Even my nail polish is a hazard as it can leach into my body via my nails. He is a child and I am quite confident to "frame" her, Mathanxiety, as a nutcase.

But you're not a step-parent if you aren't the new wife of the father, Thats the definition of step-parent, whether you like it or not.

Mother may be a complete and utter lunatic. Or not. None of you have a clue. Doesn't stop you having very strong opinions though, and it some cases clinical diagnoses! Aren't you clever?

"Quackery or not..."

Mathaneity,

I think it's a very important issue. This mad bint is wanting her kids life to be restricted on the basis of woo.

It sounds a teensy bit controlling to me TBH.

And communication runs both ways - what if the NRP thinks (as he should) that all this arm bending is bollocks? Doesn't he get a say?

With respect, and I know this board is for everyone of course. But I think its hard to advise on this subject unless you are a stepmum (whatever your def of that is) or a mother whos children have a step mum.

Or a dad with step kids, ex mother of children of course!

Runnybotton, what exactly is your point here? Do you really think that the fundamental issue is the marital status and therefore the precise definition of the OP's relationship with a child she cares about? Would you be happier to say anything helpful whatsoever if there was a new term for 'female partner not married but having made huge commitment to father of child including giving birth to child's half-sibling'.

The OP has a relationship with the child. She is asking for advice and has been very gracious in the face of some pretty petty posting. How is 'well what did you expect if you marry a man with children' helpful? It is, though another of the lines used on MN exclusively for the benefit of stepmothers, who are the only group expected to be clairvoyant and know in advance of every situation what they are getting into. We're not trying to be clever, we're trying to be human.

I have often heard it said that a man is a pretty special guy to take on another man's children.

So why do we never hear it said about women? What is it about step mums that make other people detest/resent them so much?

Sorry - off topic slightly.