To have had enough of ex-wife's quack b**s***

[stoat]

So partners little boy comes to stay with us every other weekend and it is great. No probs with that. But control freak ex-wife (actually still wife, they are not divorced yet.... long story) is an "allergy therapist" and every time he comes there is some new friggin food he can't have. It changes every few weeks coz she "tests" him by bending his arm. Load of rubbish in my opinion but I tolerate it but now I am sick of it all interfering in our lives. Latest thing tonight is that he can't "run around" tomorrow as he has "had a treatment" that needs to "settle". So no tennis for us as planned.

Ill probably be stabbed in my sleep for saying this but I think step mums are hated because aa lot (not all, not all, dont kill me!) of women are terrified that one day their children could have one.

Also there are the Cinderella tales we all grow up with.

So it is not that step mums are bad people you think but more because of the birth mum's insecurities? Interesting theory...

LeQueen, well put.

How would you explain it Fruityshine?

My theory only comes from the fact that when I was with my daughters dad (before I knew we would ever seperate)I would see a step mum as someone who could potentially be caring for my kids should he ever leave me... I was young then and pretty insecure.

I think a lot of hate is born out of insecurities about one's own place.

Im not saying all step mums are good.. some are awful. But lots are wondeful and yet a lot of the time we have a really bad name!

Does anyone spare a thought for this woman who is being portrayed as a complete nutter?

She has to hand her child over every other weekend to a woman she doesn't even know.

She has to let another woman take her place alongside the father of her child, have complete strangers think that child is the other womans and miss out on moments of her own childs live which the other woman will share and the mother will be excluded from.

She has to trust the OP to care for her child and to respect her role as the person who gave birth to that child and carried him in her womb for 9 months.

As mothers our instincts are never born out of rationalle, they are born out of maternal instinct which rightly is the strongest instinct in the world.

Maybe she isn't portraying in the right way or in the sanest way but its not to do with control it is done out of love for her son and her fear of losing him and of missing out on parts of his life.

"As mothers our instincts are never born out of rationalle, they are born out of maternal instinct which rightly is the strongest instinct in the world"

Absolutely, but a lot of stepmums including me put the natural instinct to make the new woman in their childs life feel belittled, awkward and unhappy to one side out of respect for all that they do for our little ones.

Not all mums can do that though, and they do have my sympathy because its bloody hard. Doesnt mean the step mum cant grumble about it occassionally though.

p.s. not the 'womb for 9 months' arghhhhhhh

I guess its just another example of us all desparately trying to do what is right for our children.

Problem is, once you have fallen in love with your step child, its like having a child that you cant do the best for because people are always so passioate about how... its not your child!

Oh bollocks i need some sleep my typos are proper awful tonight!

"Absolutely, but a lot of stepmums including me"

• should say a lot of mums not stepmums.

So if you're not a step mother til you marry the children's father, does that mean that my partner isn't my children's dad because we're not married? Or that my brother, who brought up his partner's daughter as well as their own 2 children when she left them with him at 7, 5 and 3 wasn't their father/step father?

What the f**k has marriage got to do with it??

lequeen.....the woman isn't here to defend herself, we have one side of the story and the OP should respect her wishes for her "stepchild" unless the NRP arranges or decides otherwise.

It is not the OPs choice.

Yes some parents are fab, some are downright manipulative and evil, same as some step-parents.

They want a halo and a sainthood for something they CHOSE to take on.

Its the kids here who are the flippin saints.

Ladyanonymous whilst I empathise with the maternal side of your argument I can honestly say with my hand on my heart that I have come across some pretty nasty ex wives who will do anything to wreak havoc in their exh's life, especially if he has a new partner.

I myself have given birth to three of my children and have 2 stepsons who I adore but I am not their mum and don't wish to take that place. I am happy to say that generally we don't have too many issues in our homelife with DH's exw but I know other people whose life has been misery with an exw.

A very good friend of mine was seriously assaulted by her husband's exw because the exw was so furious that my friend and her hubby were expecting their first baby together. My friend had never met her hubby's ex before that day and has never seen her since but my friend's life has the constant humming of the ex in the background stirring up trouble within the family. I have had my friend on the phone to me in tears sobbing down the phone that she can't go home, everyone's life would be better if she was gone.

People seem to have this opinion that all ex wives do everything for the sake of the child as the love they feel for them is second to none. I can tell you from first hand experience that is not always the case and anyone that believes it is very naive.

If the marriage or relationship fails then of course that is sad and devastating for everyone involved but why should people be punished for moving on with their lives?

I also know a step mum that is not very warm towards her children and makes a point of staying out of their way - but she knows she has that issue and keeps her distance on access times.

As with anything there are always two sides to every story but I am inclined to agree that this arm bending thing is more control than anything else.

Foureleven - I have always struggled with why stepmums get bad press....the only thing I could come up with was jealousy....but even then I could not connect it all rationally.

Why don't you read one of my previous posts Fruitysunshine

oh heck - ok.

Well I feel pretty well placed to say my piece as I'm not only a stepmum, I'm one of those weirdy woo-woo people - although plenty of mumsnetters will vouch for the fact that I'm pretty normal and certainly not about to have social services knocking because they're worried about Munchausen's by Proxy .

The arm bending is called kinesiology (which someone mentioned earlier), and I've just taken my child to see someone because the NHS haven't been able to get to the bottom of her problems.

It can grate when you're a stepmum and the ex is making demands on what goes on in your own home. And yes, it does smack of control over some issues. For us it was to do with where we were "allowed" to go on holiday, and for a time whether we were "allowed" to have dsd for special family events if they didn't fall on dh's weekend.

But I really can't see that the ex here is doing much wrong. She's a kinesiologist, it sounds like she maybe leads a very spiritual life. Those are her beliefs which don't have to be agreed with, but need to be respected. I think it's fine that stoat doesn't agree with the things her dss comes out with (I would have been on board with saying it's all ridiculous and just plain weird a few years ago) and her views are equally as valid - and she should be able to continue in her own home more or less as she wishes. There's absolutely no reason why she can't say to her dss "well your mum might think that, but I think this". I have lots of different opinions to dsd's mum and if any come up I just tell dsd that there's no right or wrong, we just think different things and that's fine.

Now the special food requests don't seem too bad to me. Dd has just gone off to a relatives for the weekend and I asked them not to give her anything with wheat in, which they didn't. However, if it's not being discussed with stoat and her dh in advance so they can get the right things, then I think the ex is being unfair. Whether she is doing it without discussion because she's aware of how stoat and her dh feel about the kinesiology, or whether she's just deliberately keeping them out of the loop I'm not sure. Sensitivity to chocolate just before Easter? - except I found out my child was sensitive to sugar (and therefore chocolate just before Easter too). But with the sensitivity to Turkey just before Christmas too it could be a case of her trying to spoil things when he's at stoats.

It just strikes me that if the 3 of them maybe talked a bit more, a it might help. Having said that I know that with some ex-wife situations that can be completely pie in the sky, and if stoat really believes that the timing of these sensitivities is to cause maximum hassle my best advice would be to rise above it, and never to let on to the ex that it has annoyed her.

"But you're not a step-parent if you aren't the new wife of the father, Thats the definition of step-parent, whether you like it or not."

Personally, I think you become a stepmother when your partner's children decide that you are their stepmother and treat you as a parent. The legal status of your relationships with their biological parent has absolutely nothing to do with it (and there is no legal status for stepparents).

thesecondcoming I find your post very patronising.

Of course I am not suggesting that. I am saying these situations always work better when a degree of sensitivity is given to the birth mother and how extremely difficult it is to hand your children over to someone you may prefer not to.

No one wakes up one morning and decides their marriage/relationship is going to fail. You walk into a relationship with a person with kids with your eyes wide open, and should expect to have to have dealings with your partners co-parent.

You divorce each other - not the children.

Hmmm...I really do think that the term "abuse" is being bandied around with far too much frequency here....I work in social care, I see real abuse every single day that I go to work.

Parents are falible humans and they suffer emotional difficulties and struggles just like any other adults and most cope with those things the best way they can within the situation, hindsight and standing on the outside looking in are great after the event.

It is very difficult to be objective, rational and logical at all times whilst dealing with being a single parent, financial issues, and the emotional heartache divorce/separation/moving on from that causes, even when it is what you want and what you know is best for everyone.

I do not know anyone who has been through it who has behaved impeccably at all times.

I the lady in question should be given the benefit of the doubt here and I agree with what Abundantia said and maybe she just needs to come to some common ground and be reassured rather than be written off as a Quack/Woo Woo/Control Freak.

Whether they like it or not that have to take her opinions on board even if they don't fully give in to her demands, as she is the mother of the child and if they want a successful outcome they what are they teeaching the child if they completely and blatently desrespect his mother?