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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had enough of ex-wife's quack b**s***

236 replies

stoat · 09/04/2010 18:57

So partners little boy comes to stay with us every other weekend and it is great. No probs with that. But control freak ex-wife (actually still wife, they are not divorced yet.... long story) is an "allergy therapist" and every time he comes there is some new friggin food he can't have. It changes every few weeks coz she "tests" him by bending his arm. Load of rubbish in my opinion but I tolerate it but now I am sick of it all interfering in our lives. Latest thing tonight is that he can't "run around" tomorrow as he has "had a treatment" that needs to "settle". So no tennis for us as planned.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 09/04/2010 19:01

Have you tried talking to her? It does sound as though she's either overprotective or a bit barking, but maybe she has reasonable concerns...

I'd definitely ask her to meet you for a coffee so you can have a chat.

LittleMissHissyFit · 09/04/2010 19:04

Hmm, sounds very trying! He's had a treatment in the middle of easter holidays which means he can't run around? great.... how old is he btw?

What does your DP say? It's kind of his call really.

Just grin and bear it, if you just let it roll off your back as it were, you'll score more brownie points long term, and eventually everyone will work out that the Mum is a little 'woo'.

Leave it all to your DP, let him deal with it.

Grit yer teeth girl....

moondog · 09/04/2010 19:07

'allergy therapist' ???
What is one of those then?
I'd be tempted to go all wide eyed and ask loads of questions, thereby masking in non confrontational way what a pile of horse shit it is.

wolfnipplechips · 09/04/2010 19:11

Or you could respect her wishes for her child, I'm sure its a nightmare having to consider somebody else in this but isn't that downside to being a step parent. None of it sounds to weird to me.

TottWriter · 09/04/2010 19:13

Bending his arm... that's kinesiology, isn't it? On-topic though, I can't think of a single 'treatment' for allergies which requires the child to not run around. I'd just take him to the tennis. Clearly she's a bit off her rocker.

Is he old enough to keep quiet so that he doesn't miss out, or still young and naive enough to blab? My mum was a bit like this (she's improved with age, thank god) and after a while we just used to lie and say 'yes mum'.

It won't be long until he's rolling his eyes at her with you - children aren't daft. When he reaches that point you can all sit around the table having a bit of a giggle about it and hugging him in sympathy when he has to go home. That's more or less how my sister and I were while we were at my dad's for our fortnightly visits.

RJRabbit · 09/04/2010 19:14

Poor kid.

ZZZenAgain · 09/04/2010 19:14

what does your partner think of all this and why the allergy testing? Does he have skin rashes or some kind of health problem?

mathanxiety · 09/04/2010 19:17

You sound ever so nice and reasonable yourself.

It would probably be nice for the little boy if his dad's partner didn't treat his mother as some sort of pita still hanging around just to make your life as miserable as she possibly could.

This is about your partner and his wife working things out and communicating together with the best interests if the child in mind. It's not about you and your tennis plans.

Alouiseg · 09/04/2010 19:19

Munchausens by proxy?

LaurieFairyCake · 09/04/2010 19:20

I think it's up to her and her husband to work out.

And make sure the little boy doesn't see you making fun of her kinesiology. You don't want to join in this as if you and your partner eventually get married you want to be a good step parent.

MrsVidic · 09/04/2010 19:32

It must be really trying for you, you have my sympathies. I would as others have said back her up to the child if they complain about it etc.

its best to follow her wishes as you will always have to have some sort of relationship with her as she is his mother. Shit I know but thats how it is.

Are the divorce proceedings dragging/ becoming a PITA? For both sides this can be the most tense part. Will you feel better about this when he's divorced etc? Is it a control thing?

If it is the divorce etc thats also making this hard I would really try to be patient (far more easier said than done I know) and just know that it will be sorted out in the long run.

Abundantia · 09/04/2010 21:10

Why is she trying him without the different foods? It's hard to say from what you've put in your op whether she's making unreasonable requests or whether your scepticism about the kinesiology is blurring things. It doesn't sound to me like she is being that unreasonable if it's just these two things.

runnybottom · 09/04/2010 21:13

She sounds a bit whackadoodle, but she's his mother, and you're not. Its pretty much that simple.

PixieOnaLeaf · 09/04/2010 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
stoat · 09/04/2010 21:20

Yeah thanks - the selection of replies made me chill out and giggle. Mathanxiety I am unreasonable but she is a nutcase (there I go again).
He is 8. He has no skin rashes etc - just every month we have various "good" and "bad" foods that have made his arm strong or weak. Currently including chicken, avocado and chocolate (ITS EASTER!!!) and at Christmas the list included Turkey. Don't get me wrong I do a great job of letting it roll off my back because I love him to bits and would never ever question his mum to him. But I do think she is getting a bit extreme when he tells me "Mummy says you shouldn't cook food in foil because some of the metal comes off and is a bit poisonous". I just think it makes him ultra cautious. Plus he is worried that me warming up the baby's food in the microwave is taking all the nutrients out. His Dad is stuck in the middle I know but I just needed to have a rant and I am so glad someone else mentioned the Munchausens coz that was bubbling in my wicked mind too!

OP posts:
bruxeur · 09/04/2010 21:22

runnybottom - remind me, did that defence work for Tracey Connelly?

TottWriter · 09/04/2010 21:32

stoat - eek, he's falling for it! If he's buying into all this stuff then you do really need to go along with it, or you'll end up causing a bit of a turf war between his parents, which is never fun to be in the middle of (I have been the child in a similar position, though it was my alternative-phile mother who remarried). Your DP needs to sort this out with his ex himself - and if it's worrying him that his son is being fed all this stuff and stressing about it he needs to talk to her. My dad never did say anything and basically got walked over. Not so great for him, and not for us either, because it meant my mum basically dictated everything, and we simply got a 'reprieve' two days out of fourteen. Still, the one girlfriend my dad had who moaned about my mum (and to her face on one occasion) did end up causing problems. Was very awkward more or less until he stopped seeing her.

That said, there's nothing wrong with correcting him if he's commenting on how you're raising your own child - is it his half-sibling? You have every right to defend your perfectly rational behaviour and explain how a microwave works, and tin foil too. The poor kid has a right to learn how to think for himself, and I doubt his mother will give him that opportunity. But tact will certainly be needed, because you don't want to start a bitchfest. My mum spent most of my post-divorce childhood slagging off my dad and it was not fun at all.

bruxeur · 09/04/2010 21:39

Perhaps she doesn't like tinfoil because her hat chafes her ears?

TottWriter · 09/04/2010 21:48

bruxeur - LOL

For me the saddest thing about it all is that the ex (like my mum) clearly believes all this stuff, and has probably spent a fortune seeing the 'specialists' and buying the tat they flog at every opportunity. It took me a number of years to learn better as I was growing up, because I had so much indoctrination, as it were. It's definitely a case of tread carefully around the poor boy though, because if he carries tales like 'stoat says mummy's a raving loony for thinking microwaves do anything more than agitate the water molecules in food thereby heating it', then the ex is possibly going to start saying all kinds of awful things about stoat and her DP. I st through huge long moans about my father (always referred to as 'yourfather') and his various failings and why I couldn't really believe what he said. Kinda backfired though, because it just meant I raised him to an impossible pedestal for putting up with her for ten years. It was a real letdown when I realised that some of her complaints about him were actually valid.

runnybottom · 09/04/2010 21:54

What on earth has that got to do with anything bruxeur?
The childs diet, health, nutrition is up to his parents to decide, he has 2 of them, and OP isn't one of them.

bruxeur · 09/04/2010 22:02

It's a reference to your tired little cliche about "u kn0w uR buBz, hunny". Just because she's his mother doesn't mean she's doing the best by him.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2010 22:06

My DD1 did allergy testing that sounds similar to what the little boy is doing. It accurately showed she was allergic to dairy and beef. She did food challenges and stayed off certain foods to see if her symptoms improved or got worse (gastric, nasal, wheezing). It boiled down to just the dairy and beef. My family has lots of food and other allergies, as well as members who have led lives that were rendered utterly miserable by asthma.

And I agree with Runnybottom, it's for the child's biological parents to hammer out between themselves. Sounds as if the partner (the child's dad) is off doing his own thing quite a bit while the boy stays over? Why isn't he cooking, talking about tinfoil and microwaves, etc. with his son?

runnybottom · 09/04/2010 22:35

you couldn't be more wrong, bruxeur, and clearly you have never seen me post before.

I was referring to the fact that 2 people have parental responsibility for said child, op is not one of them and her opinion matters little. If childs father disagrees with mother he should do something about it, and talk to his wife. OP isn't even a step-parent.

mumof2children · 09/04/2010 22:39

i am sorry if this has been said, but why isn't the child's father going to the appointment aswell.

JeMeSouviens · 09/04/2010 22:42

If a child is staying in someones house, parent or out, they actually do have a level of responsibility for them.

As long as the DS was happy to ignore his mothers food rules, I'd be happy to ignore them too, in my home.

Having said that his father really should sort it out, either tell the mother that in his house it's his rules, or try to get to the bottom of why she thinks he has allergies.

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