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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do this for my wedding? Genuinely want your opinions as could BU... (bit long)

127 replies

GetThePartyStarted · 07/04/2010 10:17

It is entirely possible that IABU, but if you think I am, please help me come up with something better!

DP and I got engaged two years ago intending to get married this summer after saving up, then possibly start trying for a baby about a year later after saving up again to cover my mat leave. However, we got a bit of a surprise and DS arrived in January instead - nice surprise, DS adored by all but just quite a bit earlier than expected!

We really want to get married to be married, rather than to have a wedding IYSWIM, especially we will be paying for it ourselves BUT we have lots of family and friends who expect to be invited. None of them have married recently, or paid for it themselves so don't really understand the financial implications of a "proper" wedding which they are all expecting.

We are skint as we have not had a chance to save up for the baby/wedding etc and won't have a chance now as I will only go back part-time with a corresponding drop in income.

Would it be unreasonable for us to get married at a registry office, followed by a meal at a cheapish restaurant and to invite all our family/friends to come with the proviso that they have to pay for the meal themselves? I would make it clear that we would love them to come, but we will understand if they can't, and not to give us presents if they do.

I know its a bit cheeky, but they will all be so annoyed/upset if we elope, and I can't think of any other solution other than going into loads of debt, or not marrying for a good few years when we could afford it (possibly never), neither of which I want to do.

AIBU? I genuinely would have no problem with a friend saying this to me, but DP thinks everyone will be horrified. Or have you got a better idea?

OP posts:
maduggar · 07/04/2010 10:18

I am doing exactly this, so I am going to say YANBU

Hassled · 07/04/2010 10:21

It makes perfect sense and you sound very sensible. Go for it

Portoeufino · 07/04/2010 10:21

I think it is an eminently sensible idea. At the end of the day, it is about celebrating your special day - not a free piss up. And anyone not happy with it is free not to come.....

flootshoot · 07/04/2010 10:22

Go for it, I wish we'd done that TBH.

CMOTdibbler · 07/04/2010 10:22

It really depends on your family/friends tbh - if I knew one of my friends couldn't afford a wedding, I'd happily buy myself a meal (at a reasonably priced restaurant), as long as it wasn't obvious that the couple had spent out on a v expensive dress/suits/flowers iyswim.

But it's more common to hire a village hall and ask friends to help cater it - either as a bring a dish sort of thing, or just helping to cook and put it all out. You can do a big party for not a lot this way, esp if you get married late in the day so are just having an evening party

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/04/2010 10:22

If they think how you have said then yes thy probably will be horified. why don't you get both sets of psarents round one night and have a brainstorm.

DemonChild · 07/04/2010 10:23

Is there anyone who genuinely couldn't afford it, but who would love to come? If not then YANBU. I would not have a problem with this if one of my friends said they were doing this.

Pancakeflipper · 07/04/2010 10:23

your true mates will be happy to do so.

There will be criticism cos' some people love criticising especially weddings - it's a hobby. So keep true to yourself and have it how you want it. And going into debt to feed family and friends is daft.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 07/04/2010 10:23

YANBU. Weddings are expensive.

screamingskull · 07/04/2010 10:24

YANBU think this is a great idea, that way up to the individual/s if they come or not.

I would love to get married but don't think in a zillion years i would be able to save enough cash.

Your idea is good

poppy34 · 07/04/2010 10:24

yanbu- agree with porto as circs have changed and shared Meal seems good compromise so people can celebrate in an affordable way.

You sound far nicer than me as part of reason I went away to marry was to avoid having to "celebrate" with my family - let alone having to pay for the experience...

30andMerkin · 07/04/2010 10:24

OK, I think it's an eminently sensible idea. I know my parents did something similar back in the 70s when they were skint, and would have entirely supported me if I'd wanted to do the same.

You'll get people coming who genuinely want to celebrate your marriage, not lig free drinks and bitch about your wedding. You'll have a lot less stress and hoo-ha to sort out. You can still have speeches and cake and get to see everyone.

Just be wary if there's a big group of you you'll probably get stuck with a set menu at the restaurant, which often end up relatively expensive for what you get, and if you use the word 'wedding' it'll be more expensive again. If you just say to the restaurant it's a family party, don't insist of arranging a 'top' table/flowers etc, and just mention that you'll be having a cake delivered, hopefully they'll just assume it's a birthday/anniversary until you've agreed the price.

Get yourself a dress you love though, even if it's not a big white jobby, as you'll always regret it if you don't!

Congrats on your impending nuptials.

choosyfloosy · 07/04/2010 10:25

You are completely NBU and it sounds lovely. I think most people with manners would be very pleased to go to such an enjoyable wedding. Actually, can I come?

Intergalactic · 07/04/2010 10:25

I think your idea is ok... Depends a bit on your friends and family, how traditional they are. I'd probably be a bit offended at being asked to pay for my own meal at a wedding. Could you organise a cheap buffet instead. Limit the number of guests and limit your other spending?

I think that getting married on the cheap rather than getting in to debt or waiting for years is definitely the right thing to do - but I think that asking people to pay for their meals is a bit off - especially if you are spending money on other things (suits? bridesmaids? flowers?) that you could cut first (not sure if you are or not - if you're spending really as little as possible on everything else then it's a bit different and more reasonable to ask guests to pay).

essenceofSES · 07/04/2010 10:25

I agree with Portoeufino. It's not up to friends & family. You need to do what you want and what suits you. If anyone has a problem, that's their problem.
Hope it all works out for you.

scurryfunge · 07/04/2010 10:26

Not unreasonable at all. Why not skip the restaurant meal altogether and provide some sort of buffet/barbeque, for example, at a community centre or similar. You could even ask guests to bring food instead of a gift.

muddleduck · 07/04/2010 10:26

Sounds lovely!

I wish more people would do this rather than spending money that they don't have.

Skegness · 07/04/2010 10:26

Why don't you ask a couple of your closest friends what they think? If they think it's fine (I would) then it probably is and they can help spread the word on your rationale for having things this way.

Collision · 07/04/2010 10:26

Great idea if you have the guts to tell them

Think I would rather get married and then have a party and get people to bring a bottle and just have a few snacks for the evening.

LoveBeingAMummy · 07/04/2010 10:27

Sorry last reply was short i was eating a creme egg a bit busy.

You need to decide exactly what your budget is and then figure out what you can do from that.

I dont think yabu.

But how about; a hall and everyone brings something, Buffet provided by parents in lieu of wedding gift, loads of bars have function room that will provide free food if you have so mnay guest as they will be buying from the bar. An evening party only therefore just snacks required.

poppy34 · 07/04/2010 10:27

Yes but just cos family don't understand what a bug wedding means financially doesn't make op idea any less valid .

flootshoot · 07/04/2010 10:28

A friend of ours ordered everyone fish and chips - that probably wasn't too expensive!

malovitt · 07/04/2010 10:28

I really don't understand all this fuss about weddings; to me, it's a private occasion between two people, not a public spectacle.
I got married in a registry office, telling and inviting no-one. Two strangers as witnesses. Cost less than £50.

My day, my decision, nothing to do with anyone else and I couldn't have given a hoot what anyone else expected.

AussieSim · 07/04/2010 10:29

My sister had similar issues and I found her solution to be a bit more personal - they got married in a park and then had a picnic afterwards - BYO picnic basket. People mingle and share each others food and there is something a bit more quaint and fun about it rather than going to a restaurant I think - just a suggestion. I did go to a post registry marriage lunch one time at Sizzler (All u can eat salad bar affair) BTW - not the most memorable although I appreciated being included. Have a lovely day!

MathsMadMummy · 07/04/2010 10:29

it is your wedding, your day. do what you want and don't let anyone guilt trip you!

it is quite unusual to ask guests to pay for the meal, nothing wrong with it but you should probably tell them not to worry about buying you a present.