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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do this for my wedding? Genuinely want your opinions as could BU... (bit long)

127 replies

GetThePartyStarted · 07/04/2010 10:17

It is entirely possible that IABU, but if you think I am, please help me come up with something better!

DP and I got engaged two years ago intending to get married this summer after saving up, then possibly start trying for a baby about a year later after saving up again to cover my mat leave. However, we got a bit of a surprise and DS arrived in January instead - nice surprise, DS adored by all but just quite a bit earlier than expected!

We really want to get married to be married, rather than to have a wedding IYSWIM, especially we will be paying for it ourselves BUT we have lots of family and friends who expect to be invited. None of them have married recently, or paid for it themselves so don't really understand the financial implications of a "proper" wedding which they are all expecting.

We are skint as we have not had a chance to save up for the baby/wedding etc and won't have a chance now as I will only go back part-time with a corresponding drop in income.

Would it be unreasonable for us to get married at a registry office, followed by a meal at a cheapish restaurant and to invite all our family/friends to come with the proviso that they have to pay for the meal themselves? I would make it clear that we would love them to come, but we will understand if they can't, and not to give us presents if they do.

I know its a bit cheeky, but they will all be so annoyed/upset if we elope, and I can't think of any other solution other than going into loads of debt, or not marrying for a good few years when we could afford it (possibly never), neither of which I want to do.

AIBU? I genuinely would have no problem with a friend saying this to me, but DP thinks everyone will be horrified. Or have you got a better idea?

OP posts:
Granny23 · 08/04/2010 16:13

I've been to a pay as you go sit down in a restaurant wedding do and to be honest it was a bit limp. Room was overcrowded and you could not circulate or talk to anyone except whoever was sitting next to you. OTOH I have been to a good few self catered village hall type receptions which have been wonderful. Superb buffets e.g. huge roast turkey, giant ham, fresh fruit/rice, curry, pasta, green salads, ice cream, chocolate fountain - my favourite = a mountain constructed from chocolate eclairs, studded with strawberries. Each guest elects to bring a main, salad or dessert. Local social club/pub will do pay as you go bar or just say BYOB. Hall decorated using sheets over tables, flowers & greenery from friends gardens, scattered rose petals. One hall opened onto a small garden, superb setting for photos and a nice evening saw everyone outside for a breather.

Since the changes in the law hall may already have a marriage licence or you can pay for a single occasion. Means everyone can be at ceremony, buffet and dancing to follow. If no live band available, someone will be dying to be DJ.

Can you tell that neither of my DDs has shown any interest in getting married after YEARS together and children with their DPs?

Original poster
GetThePartyStarted · 08/04/2010 17:12

Wow, what a lot of replies! Thankyou everyone, I really appreciate your POV's (even the people who said IABU!) as I was beginning to waver in my resolve and cave in to what our families were expecting.

I really like the idea of a picnic or village hall though, so DP and I are going to go and have a scout about this weekend to see what we can find. Perhaps if we ask everyone to bring some food but supply some food/drink ourselves as well that would sit better than asking them to pay for their own meal.

Thanks again!

OP posts:
confusedfirsttimemum · 08/04/2010 17:21

Oooh, I love threads like this. I hate, hate, hate hearing people say that they would love to get married, but can't afford the wedding (different from 'can't afford to get married because I want a big wedding', that's slightly different). If you want to get married, stuff what other people expect and get married. Tis your marriage, not theirs!

If you fancy a big party but can't afford it then church hall is definitely the way to go. Hire is normally pretty cheap and the rules on decorations are normally pretty relaxed. Then rally round the nearest and dearest to provide food for a buffet - the most pressed auntie will normally still be dead happy to bring 50 sausage rolls. It really has a nice, traditional, all pitching in feeling. My top tip is that older relatives love this kind of stuff, so really get them involved if you have any! Then ask everyone to bring a bottle and hook up an i-pod and some speakers. Sorted!

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 08/04/2010 17:26

you don't get married for other people. You get married because you want to be married. I think it's a far better attitude you have - you want the marriage, than those who want the Wedding Day and then divorce six months later because real life can't compare to the day they were a princess, iyswim.

YANBU. Not at all. Have the wedding you want and can afford. If family and friends want you to get yourself into debt to provide them with a day's entertainment, they are being very selfish.

Original poster
GetThePartyStarted · 31/08/2010 21:16

UPDATE

Just to let you know that DP and I got married on Saturday at a cheap local venue (village hall-esque) and we had a lovely day :)

Thanks again for all your opinions and suggestions (and to IWCAS for the bunting help if she reads this!)

OP posts:
ForzaDelDestino · 31/08/2010 21:29

oh wow

CONGRATULATIONS !!!!

TidyBush · 31/08/2010 21:30

Congratulations GTPS (you may remember that we met at the Flash event earlier in the year).

I'm so pleased that you had a lovely time - sending my very best wishes to you and your new DH (and your gorgeous baby too!).

Jenbot · 31/08/2010 21:30

Congratulations!

massivehead · 31/08/2010 21:30

Yes op .This is totally acceptable. Hope you have a wonderful day btw.

pluperfect · 31/08/2010 22:02

You will be setting a good example for other people who are too scared NOT to have a big wedding, either!

But as for asking people to pay, that's a bit off. If they travel to see you, and pay for the accommodation, it ought to be a bit cheaper, even if it's bring-a-dish.

If you do do bring-a-dish, make sure veggies and allergenics are catered to!

Quattrocento · 31/08/2010 22:07

YANBU

I would cheerfully stump up to go to a good friend's wedding. And I'd be honoured if they were honest enough to explain general skintedness, Just do it.

pluperfect · 31/08/2010 22:07

D'oh! I missed the update!

Congratulations. Smile

Mishy1234 · 31/08/2010 22:09

YANBU.

We are going to a wedding in a couple of weeks where there's the ceremony and just drinks afterwards. Only immediate family are attending the meal. Don't know if this is due to costs or not, but we're just pleased to be asked to the ceremony.

Mishy1234 · 31/08/2010 22:10

Oops, I missed the update too.

Congratulations!

Quattrocento · 31/08/2010 22:17

Another one who missed the update

And congratulations and well done and good stuff

ravenAK · 31/08/2010 22:19

YANBU - I simply don't get why anyone would think that guests paying for their own meal is different/less acceptable than them paying for a hotel for a big, fancy do, which is SOP.

Go for it, & congratulations!

NoahAndTheWhale · 31/08/2010 22:24

Congratulations :)

troublewithtalk · 31/08/2010 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaneS · 31/08/2010 22:31

Oh, congratulations! How nice to hear how it went.

Enjoy married life!

BettySuarez · 31/08/2010 22:32

It sounds perfectly lovely and sensible. The one thing DH and I were adamant about, was that we would not spend silly amounts of money on our wedding. It was low key, very small with just a few family and friends. Just perfect :)

ChippingIn · 31/08/2010 22:49

That's great news :) Really, really pleased that you had such a great day!

Thanks for the update!

FortunateHamster · 31/08/2010 23:18

Congrats! :)

Deliaskis · 01/09/2010 09:44

Congratulations, I thought this was a new post so was about to reply that a village hall with a 'bring-a-dish' buffet would be really cheap, and hey ho, you've gone and done it.

Like that you talked about being married to be married, rather than to have a wedding, sometimes one seems to get lost within the other these days.

Congats
D

MumNWLondon · 01/09/2010 09:58

YANBU, although some might be a bit annoyed about paying for the meal if B&G going on expensive honeymoon.

Otherwise, other ideas - as others have said hiring a hall and asking people to bring a dish or having tea / drop in buffet at someone's house.

I had beggars at my door yesterday asking for money to pay for their daugthers wedding, they needed to invite over 200 people!

lazylula · 01/09/2010 10:12

I think it sounds a lovely idea, but I do find the references to weddings done in a different way to this as being about something else! I had the big wedding, church, dress, meal and evening do. We did not get into debt and I can assure you it was about us getting married with our family and friends present, it signified the start of our life together as a married couple (and we didn't move in together until we were married). My point being, however anyone chooses to celebrate their big day is up to them and no one should be judged for it. I also like the idea of a bring and share buffet, I have been to a few events like this (not a wedding, but I think it would be fine).

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