Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To want to do this for my wedding? Genuinely want your opinions as could BU... (bit long)

127 replies

GetThePartyStarted · 07/04/2010 10:17

It is entirely possible that IABU, but if you think I am, please help me come up with something better!

DP and I got engaged two years ago intending to get married this summer after saving up, then possibly start trying for a baby about a year later after saving up again to cover my mat leave. However, we got a bit of a surprise and DS arrived in January instead - nice surprise, DS adored by all but just quite a bit earlier than expected!

We really want to get married to be married, rather than to have a wedding IYSWIM, especially we will be paying for it ourselves BUT we have lots of family and friends who expect to be invited. None of them have married recently, or paid for it themselves so don't really understand the financial implications of a "proper" wedding which they are all expecting.

We are skint as we have not had a chance to save up for the baby/wedding etc and won't have a chance now as I will only go back part-time with a corresponding drop in income.

Would it be unreasonable for us to get married at a registry office, followed by a meal at a cheapish restaurant and to invite all our family/friends to come with the proviso that they have to pay for the meal themselves? I would make it clear that we would love them to come, but we will understand if they can't, and not to give us presents if they do.

I know its a bit cheeky, but they will all be so annoyed/upset if we elope, and I can't think of any other solution other than going into loads of debt, or not marrying for a good few years when we could afford it (possibly never), neither of which I want to do.

AIBU? I genuinely would have no problem with a friend saying this to me, but DP thinks everyone will be horrified. Or have you got a better idea?

OP posts:

muminthemiddle · 07/04/2010 10:32

YANBU.

CMO's idea also sounds good too about hiring a village hall.
I would be happy to go along with your idea especially as you don't expect a present!

maduggar · 07/04/2010 10:32

It was my mum who suggested we ask people to buy their won meals - and so far, not one person has been offended (or at least not to my face).

ifancyashandy · 07/04/2010 10:33

YNBU. Sounds lovely! Good friends will want to be there and won't mind a jot about spending on the meal.

And disagreeing with what some have said, I wouldn't be at all offended if you were wearing an expensive frock / shoes / had a big bouquet - I would think it was your money and you were entitled to spend it how you like. It is still your wedding day!! Go shopping and enjoy without guilt!

cyteen · 07/04/2010 10:34

Your wedding, your choice. My SIL and BIL did this and it was fine; there were a few noses out of joint but no one questioned their decision to marry how they chose.

MrsC2010 · 07/04/2010 10:34

YANBU at all. You are doing this because of them in the first place.

mangoandlime · 07/04/2010 10:37

Yanbu. We got married with twelve family and friends present. I always thought I would have the big white day but when it came down to it I would have got married in a car park!

choosyfloosy · 07/04/2010 10:37

I do also like the idea of a bring-and-share meal but have to say that a village hall locally would be a minimum of £50. It depends how skint you are.

GeekOfTheWeek · 07/04/2010 10:39

YANBU and I wouldn't be at all offended if I was your friend.

I was in a very similar situation to you when we got married. We just eloped and then had a party for family and friends. We couldn't afford a big wedding and I didn't want to get into debt to pay for one.

skinsl · 07/04/2010 10:39

how many people do you think?

serenity · 07/04/2010 10:42

We did this. We'd never planned on getting married, but when I got pregnant with DS1 DH had a bit of a crisis of conscience (his family is mildly conservative Cypriot, they wouldn't have said anything to him or disowned us or anything ridiculous, but he knew they'd be upset plus, at the time, legally it was easier to run out and get married than faff about getting him parental responsibility after DS was born)

We had no savings, and I wasn't going to ask anyone to pay for it so we had a quickie registry office wedding, MIL made my dress, BF bought flowers as a wedding gift and we went for meal in a restaurant afterwards (paid for by the guests) We got wine to go on the table. TBH I expected it to be immediate family and close friends only, but we ended up with around 60 people.

It was a lovely day. Go for it.

teaandcakeplease · 07/04/2010 10:43

I know people who've done a bring and share buffet for their wedding but the things people brought weren't the usual Quiche but really lovely things. That is always a thought too.

But FWIW you are NOT being unreasonable.

Good luck and congrats on the baby x

Hulababy · 07/04/2010 10:44

Sounds perfectly fine to me.

Anyone who truely cares about you will not be in the slightest bit offended by being asked in this way. Surely no real friend would want to see you pay out money you can't aford? And if they do - then they are not a real friend after all.

saslou · 07/04/2010 10:44

I think it is a lovely idea. People shouldn't mind paying for a meal esp as you are asking them to do this instead of buying you a gift. I do think that you shouldn't scrimp on your dress. It is your wedding, after all and you are entitled to have something lovely.If you scrimp on this because of other peoples opinions you will regret it in years to come.
I had a small church wedding with a party in my PIL garden with food we had prepared the day before. There are some things I would change in retrospect (the weather was a bit cool for an outdoor party) but I did buy a lovely dress and wedding rings(figured I am going to be wearing it for a long time so wanted something I loved). Good luck with everything. I hope you have a wonderful day

teaandcakeplease · 07/04/2010 10:45

x posted - Sorry I didn't realise others had mentioned the bring and share buffet already

WinkyWinkola · 07/04/2010 10:47

OP YANBU. The can be their wedding gift to you! Save your money for something else.

ifancyashandy · 07/04/2010 10:50

Ooh, meant to add - I once went to a big 40th (I know not the same but ...) where the birthday boy paid for 2 bottles red / 2 bottles white per table and a glass of prosecco on arrival. We paid for our own food. No-one was at all offended. Good compromise? And he did it in the private room of a restaurant so had some sense of occassion about it.

salbysea · 07/04/2010 10:51

Here's my take

IF you were asking people to pay for their meal in a wedding venue where they have to sit and eat YOUR choices of food then YwouldBU

BUT, its different in a restaurant because they can choose whatever they like from the menu, so YANBU

sounds lovely! I'd happily accept the invite and pay at the restaurant! And I wouldn't mind what your dress/shoes cost

MrsCosmopolite · 07/04/2010 10:51

YANBU my brother and SIL did this when they got married. Nobody was offended because we all understood they had no money to splash out on a big wedding.

Rockbird · 07/04/2010 10:52

I'd be happy with that and would not have a problem with paying for my own meal. IME people are pretty accepting as long as they know in advance what the story is. Just be honest and say you'd love everyone to celebrate with you but you haven't the money, this is what you propose.

CrankyTwanky · 07/04/2010 10:53

YANBU.
A meal out costs less than attending a "proper wedding" if you are a guest. As long as you don't ask for gifts.(Which would BU.)

senua · 07/04/2010 10:55

I like the village hall idea best. A friend of mine did similar and it was a lovely day. Everybody mucked in and there was a real 'community' feel to it. You need to think about those that can't provide a dish though (eg arthritic 90 y.o. gran) but you will probably have some compensating WI-type who is willing to fill any gaps in the catering or someone who has more money than time who is willing to contribute to room hire.
I totally disagree with those who say that getting married is just about the two of you - it is a coming together of families and it is nice if it is celebrated as such, with friends thrown in for good measure too.

Just make sure that you explain it all, so that everyone understands the reasoning.

DuelingFanjo · 07/04/2010 10:55

I don't think YABU.
We had a compromise whrere we had lots of people to the register office wedding but only took close family and friends for a meal (About 25 people) - everyone else went off and got their own lunch and then joined us later for the evening do where we had a fantastic buffet.

ChippingIn · 07/04/2010 10:59

I think it's really lovely to hear someone say they want to get married/be married and it not be about the wedding!!!

I would happily pay for my own meal and I would much rather my friends/family did this than just go to a registry office etc because they can't afford to pay for everyones meals!!

I would word the invite to indicate that as you want to celebrate getting married with all your friends and family, you have chosen a way that enables you to do this, this year and really hope that they can make it and then work on finding a way to say please consider paying for your own meal, a present to us - without actually saying that!!

What's the saying.... those that matter, wont care and those that care don't matter....

serenity · 07/04/2010 11:00

I should say actually that on the invites we specifically said no gifts (because we were asking people to pay for their own food) and we made sure that although we wanted people to come, we completely understood if people couldn't (especially as due to the last minute nature of it all it was on a rainy Wednesday afternoon in December) We still ended up with loads of presents though has major guilt

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 07/04/2010 11:04

The only thing is that it puts a sort of price per head on the event - I mean, if your guests can't afford the meal it's awkward? But if it's cheap, and the place is happy to cater for guests ordering, I don't know, a bowl of chips, that's fine.

That said, my best friend had a similar dilemma, and got married in a beautiful park garden and her guests brought picnics - there was some drinks provided but not a lot. That way, it was possible to attend without spending any money, and the bride and groom spent only the money they had to.

It'll be fine either way, I think. And congratulations!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread