To want to do this for my wedding? Genuinely want your opinions as could BU... (bit long)

[GetThePartyStarted]

It is entirely possible that IABU, but if you think I am, please help me come up with something better!

DP and I got engaged two years ago intending to get married this summer after saving up, then possibly start trying for a baby about a year later after saving up again to cover my mat leave. However, we got a bit of a surprise and DS arrived in January instead - nice surprise, DS adored by all but just quite a bit earlier than expected!

We really want to get married to be married, rather than to have a wedding IYSWIM, especially we will be paying for it ourselves BUT we have lots of family and friends who expect to be invited. None of them have married recently, or paid for it themselves so don't really understand the financial implications of a "proper" wedding which they are all expecting.

We are skint as we have not had a chance to save up for the baby/wedding etc and won't have a chance now as I will only go back part-time with a corresponding drop in income.

Would it be unreasonable for us to get married at a registry office, followed by a meal at a cheapish restaurant and to invite all our family/friends to come with the proviso that they have to pay for the meal themselves? I would make it clear that we would love them to come, but we will understand if they can't, and not to give us presents if they do.

I know its a bit cheeky, but they will all be so annoyed/upset if we elope, and I can't think of any other solution other than going into loads of debt, or not marrying for a good few years when we could afford it (possibly never), neither of which I want to do.

AIBU? I genuinely would have no problem with a friend saying this to me, but DP thinks everyone will be horrified. Or have you got a better idea?

I wouldn't be offended at all by the restaurant idea and think and would much rather go to something like this than a big traditional wedding that someone can't afford.

But reading the other replies I really like the bring something a long idea. If I was invited to something like that I'd happily bring a dish but would also like to help by doing some flowers or something for the tables.

Its a great idea. The pressure on couples to have madly lavish weddings is just plain unfair. My cousin did a "pay as you go" wedding- set menu, cost under a tenner, and it was a really lovely wedding. They negotiated with a local restaurant. Nobody minded in the slightest as we all felt we were helping them have a nice wedding, rather than robbing them blind by enjoying exorbitant hospitality at their expense.

yanbu - we got married last dec after a "surprise" ds arrived. We got marrried because we wanted to be married for him. We have been together for 14 years but never got married before due to expense and complicated family arrangements on dh's side.

At the end of the day you are entitled to the wedding day YOU and DH want not obliged to put on free entertainment for numerous friends and family, if they truly cared for you and your feelings they would come and happily pay for a meal for themselves.

There probably will be criticism as people always like to bitch about other people's wedings but stand firm, they should put your feelings first not some random other people.

Have a lovely day

YANBU I wish dp would settle for something like this .

I also like the bring your own food idea, I went to a wedding like this years ago and it was lovely.

YANBU - I hope your friends understand the situation you're in and see celebrating your special day as a bigger deal than a free lunch.

I hope it all works out well.

Nothing inherantly wrong with what you're doing but do bear in mind that some people might be a bit funny about it.

Specifically if your family are like mine you might find bitching behind your back to the tune of "so they can afford to [go on holiday/paint the bedroom/buy a new kettle/put the heating on] but they made their guests pay for their wedding".

Not that you should take that to heart at all, its just something to bear in mind. Personally I'd probably go down the village hall or pub reception room approach but then I wouldn't be offended if I got an invite for a wedding your set up.

YANBU

I wouldn't be offended at all if any of my friends or family did this, especially if they were a bit skint.

However, I admit I might be a little peeved if it was then obvious that, for example, the bride had spent £3k on her dress.

Also, I presume you'd book a big room at the registry office, so everyone could come? I think people might be annoyed if they weren't invited to the ceremony but only to the meal.

Prefer the village hall and bring some food idea. But some 'champagne' for everyone to have a drink when they first get there but then a bar (or ask them all to bring a bottle too).

No-one cares TBH as long as they know the score beforehand.

My brother recently got married and was skint as well.
They got married in the registry office and booked the local social club for later. I don't think that cost very much (under 100) as they make a lot of money at the bar.
My mum paid for the dinners (fish suppers, then ice cream with raspberry sauce)(Honestly everyone loved it, clean plates)!
As presents people done the photography, provided wedding cars, the band played for nothing, buffett at night from the best man etc.

I would just tell people you are skint and doing the registry office and pay your own meal, they might suprise you and all chip instead of providing presents.

YANBU at all, this is what all weddings should be like imo.

My dad did it way back when. It was a very small wedding but none the worse for that.

I bet there are thousands of people who would love to get married but can't, becuase they can't afford a slap up meal for all their family and friends, and don't want to cause offence by not inviting anybody, or by asking for a meal contribution. So they just don't get married.

We have become totally removed from what weddings are actually for. Why in the name of arse should any couple need to save up or sacrifice anything just to get married? It's only this daft pressure to have a big hotel do that creates this problem in the first place.

Sounds like a great idea. Your wedding, your decision. You've obviously thought it through so go for it!

Why would you be peeved if it turned out she'd spent 3k on her dress?

So if she has 3k in total to spend she should buy a £100 dress and pay for everyone else to eat? Ridiculous idea and displays a sense of entitlement IMVHO!

I think it sounds lovely. And a refreshing change from the anguished twenty-thousand-pound bridezilla nonsense I've been witnessing of late (don't get me started).

PS if I got married again (heaven forfend!) I'd have a picnic and get folk to bring their bestest cakes, pies, cheeses, whatever. The principle's the same. Go for it!

YANBU to have the wedding you can afford. But I would never in a million years invite people and ask them to pay for their own meal. Sorry but that sounds really cheap (well you asked). If it were me I'd just have the wedding I can afford, even if that meant no party or a little party at home for all the invitees.

YANBU, I would have no objection to paying for a meal

But, megapixels, wouldn't some close family prefer to be there to share the moment than find out later that the OP had just done it the week beforehand without anyone?

Personally, I think weddings are great as you get to see someone you care about make an emotional and happy commitment. And yes, on top of that is the chance to party with good friends and family that you perhaps don't get the chance to see very often. But it's not about who pays for it-very much prepared to pay for the priviledge of said party myself.

Lots of brides have been asking bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses for years. That is probably more rude as you're asking them to pay and dictating what they should wear. Fine to say pay for your dress and pick it yourself though.

YANBU at all, sounds perfect! Most hen parties cost far more than a meal out, so I'm sure guests won't feel put out at having to simply pay for their own meals instead of the whole expense of transport, hotels, present, etc. Plus I think it paints it as a much more informal occasion so people won't feel they have to go out and spend £100 on a new weddingish outfit they'll never wear again.

Just word it as something like "We have decided against having a formal reception, but we would be delighted if anyone who would like to would join us for a celebratory meal at XXX in leiu of a wedding gift." Then perhaps "Drinks will be provided!" (If you don't mind buying a few bottles for the table, just to reiterate that the food won't be paid for!)

YANBU - if you have got any cash at all to spend on a reception though then I would agree with others to spend it on booze, people want to drink at weddings and you don't want the hassle of everyone trying to add up what they've had when it comes to splitting the bill at the end of the evening. I would look for somewhere with a reasonable set menu inc. say 2 glasses of wine and then put as much as I could behind the bar.

i think that hiring a hall and asking people to contribute to a buffet / BYOB is a much better idea

though i am a bit confused about the posts here about couples who cant get married because they cant afford thousands of pounds. i think that would be for the reception and/or other costs - AFAIK it cots less than £100 to actually get married ( in a church or registry office)

It's your day hun.

Seriously though, sounds like a great idea.

YANBU. We spent thousands 8 years ago on our wedding and we could really have put the money to better use. We would not do it again.
As for your friends and relatives - if they are not just interested in a free party they'd understand.