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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to do this for my wedding? Genuinely want your opinions as could BU... (bit long)

127 replies

GetThePartyStarted · 07/04/2010 10:17

It is entirely possible that IABU, but if you think I am, please help me come up with something better!

DP and I got engaged two years ago intending to get married this summer after saving up, then possibly start trying for a baby about a year later after saving up again to cover my mat leave. However, we got a bit of a surprise and DS arrived in January instead - nice surprise, DS adored by all but just quite a bit earlier than expected!

We really want to get married to be married, rather than to have a wedding IYSWIM, especially we will be paying for it ourselves BUT we have lots of family and friends who expect to be invited. None of them have married recently, or paid for it themselves so don't really understand the financial implications of a "proper" wedding which they are all expecting.

We are skint as we have not had a chance to save up for the baby/wedding etc and won't have a chance now as I will only go back part-time with a corresponding drop in income.

Would it be unreasonable for us to get married at a registry office, followed by a meal at a cheapish restaurant and to invite all our family/friends to come with the proviso that they have to pay for the meal themselves? I would make it clear that we would love them to come, but we will understand if they can't, and not to give us presents if they do.

I know its a bit cheeky, but they will all be so annoyed/upset if we elope, and I can't think of any other solution other than going into loads of debt, or not marrying for a good few years when we could afford it (possibly never), neither of which I want to do.

AIBU? I genuinely would have no problem with a friend saying this to me, but DP thinks everyone will be horrified. Or have you got a better idea?

OP posts:
salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:09

I don't agree TOTHS, because I think that even if an expensive restaurant is chosen, as long as its local it will still be for cheaper than traveling to a venue in some random part of the country and having to stay over night and bring an expensive gift

whatever restaurant the OP chooses it'll still be cheaper than going to a lot of weddings where there is a "free" meal!

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 11:16

Don't wait and don't go into debt for a wedding.

Have the wedding you can afford, whatever that is.

I wouldn't ask people to pay for themselves, just would not organise a meal.

Could you have a small, inexpensive party at home? Does either set of parents have a big house they would be happy for you to use?

It's lovely that so many people want to share your wedding. They will understand that funds are limited

littlemiss72 · 07/04/2010 11:23

I think it's a great idea! YANBU at all. I'm getting married later this year and the expense horrified me. We opted for a quite affair at Gretna Green with two very close friends and their partners. We will be paying for them to stay over and the meal etc.

Your good friends and family will understand and I'm sure be happy to pay their way, lets be honest the free loaders won't bother and I'm sure you wouldn't want them there anyway.

Many congrats and have a wonderful wedding Day! x

sayithowitis · 07/04/2010 11:23

Personally I would have no problem with your proposition at all. Family and friends who care about you will understand your situation and will be glad to be invited to be part of your special day. And, contrary to what some other posters have said, I would also have no problem with doing this, regardless of what you choose to spend on dresses/flowers/bridesmaids etc. The only thing I would probably add to what you have already suggested, is that you do not expect people to go to town on buying new outfits for themselves as well, IME, this is always the most expensive part about a wedding invite, as there are four of us and four new sets of clothes can be expensive! Otherwise, have a great day!

lemonadesparkle · 07/04/2010 11:24

YANBU

Have only skimmed the thread but we did this for our wedding.

We were getting married very quickly (dh in RN and about to deploy for 8months) and didn't want the big fuss or expense/debt of a huge 'traditional' wedding.

We called our 'guests' (saving money on invites ) and invited them to the ceremony and explained that we were going for a meal afterwards, we didn't want wedding gifts and would just love it if they were willing to come for the meal with us but pay for themselves. I'm sure we said it better than I have just explained though LOL

Not a single person complained, infact most said it was a brilliant idea and 7yrs on people still say it was one of the best weddings they have been to as it was about getting married (nothing else), sharing the occasion with friends and very very relaxed.

Kaloki · 07/04/2010 11:32

Sounds like a great idea (and similar to what me and DP are planning)

I love the idea of the picnics!

Gay40 · 07/04/2010 11:34

I LOVE the idea of a picnic wedding. I might do this myself, now it's been mentioned.
No you are not being unreasonable. Your wedding is about you as a couple and what's important to you, not what every bugger else thinks

lucykate · 07/04/2010 11:40

i think it's a great idea. so many people get ridiculously wrapped up in the pomp and ceremony of weddings, spending far too much money on things which really don't matter.

salbysea · 07/04/2010 11:43

FYI re picnic, you cant actually marry in an open space in England (can if you pop over to ireland!), For an outside wedding you have to use a pre-registered gazebo

slug · 07/04/2010 11:44

My sister did exactly that. 9 of us in the registry office then around the corner to the local Cafe Rouge. When the restaurant manager found out it was a wedding party (she wasn't in white and we hadn't told them) they donated a couple of bottles of sparkly on the house. A fine time was had by all.

In the end, a meal in a cheapish restaurant is about the same as a wedding present.

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 11:46

"I LOVE the idea of a picnic wedding."

Everyone loves this idea, I imagine the unpredictability of the weather in these isles has a bearing on how frequently they take place.

"it was about getting married (nothing else)"

What else is there?

There have been a lot of veiled references in the thread to this "something else" that some weddings are about and I have no idea what they are on about.

I've been to lots of different kinds of weddings with different levels of expenditure and preparation, but the one thing they all had in common was that they were about getting married. I've never been to a wedding that was about something else.

damnedchilblains · 07/04/2010 11:46

YANBU, if they want to be there they will although I am sure you'll have a few grumblers (mostly from family expecting a free knees up)

KiwiKat · 07/04/2010 11:55

Another vote for the BYO Picnic instead of a gift, or a Bring A Plate And A Bottle for a knees-up in a hall. Easier for people to mingle than at a sit-down meal, as well.

Hope your day is lovely - we want to hear all about it, after the event!

lemonadesparkle · 07/04/2010 12:00

Skidoodly, the other things I meant are the weddings that I have personal experience of where it becomes about THE dress, THE shoes, the car/carriage, the cake, the photographer, inviting people whom you have never seen for years and possibly will never see again because its 'expected'. My SIL had a major melt down because a member of the string quarter was taken ill that morning and couldn't play . Can't speak for anyone else though.

However, I do absolutely agree with you about the picnic idea - it sounds idyllic but would be awful if it rained all day (or even the day before - soggy bottoms all round).

lemonadesparkle · 07/04/2010 12:01

quartet

mangoandlime · 07/04/2010 12:05

skidoodly, have you never seen Bridezillas?!

shockers · 07/04/2010 12:06

As long as you don't give them a dress code

bouncingblueberries · 07/04/2010 12:17

I think a bring and share buffet sounds lovely - or the picnic idea. People love getting involved with a wedding and if you have guests that just can't cook, you could get them to help make decorations for the hall instead (bunting!!).

Agree that having something in a restaurant could spiral out of control cost wise.

FakePlasticTrees · 07/04/2010 12:21

I think a church hall evening do/bring for a buffet is a good idea. Don't do a picnic, it will rain.

Do you have the sort of dad's/uncle's who'd be up for a booze cruise to stock up on cheep beer/wine for it?

skidoodly · 07/04/2010 12:25

"it becomes about THE dress, THE shoes, the car/carriage, the cake, the photographer, "

I've been to wedding where a lot of thought went into some or all of those things, but never one where they were more important than getting married. I'll have to take your word for it I suppose.

"inviting people whom you have never seen for years and possibly will never see again because its 'expected'"

I don't see how a wedding can BE about this, although I know it happens. It seems to me that a wedding tends to be more relaxed when the B&G are happy to accommodate the expectations of others (within their means, and within reason) than utterly insistent that they must do everything their own way regardless of whom they hurt.

boiledeggandsoldiers · 07/04/2010 12:32

Lovely idea OP, go for it. We had a simple wedding with just close family and friends because we couldn't afford the whole works. Everyone loved it. We booked the registrar for a late afternoon slot then had an evening meal.

The idea of a picnic wedding sounds great, but possibly impractical in the UK unless you have a plan for bad weather.

porcamiseria · 07/04/2010 12:58

Hmmmm, you did ask for honest responses, so I think this might land as tight, I get you are skint and all that, but it might land badly.

I think the park and villiage hall ideas that people have suggested will cost little but are a bit nicer

It would jar with me, but I'd be happy to bring some food along for a picnic/hall type affair.

PositiveAttitude · 08/04/2010 07:43

I have not read all the thread, sorry, but have noticed that a "Bring and share" buffet has been suggested. I went to a wedding of a friend I work with last weekend. Thye had been "married" at the registry office a week before, but then had a ceremony for family and friends. We were all asked to bring specific foods. It was the best wedding i have been to for ages. She had a marquee in a large garden (rich friends) and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. The spread was brilliant as everyone had done their bit! Poured with rain all day and was mighty chilly, but just fantastic.
A lot of the food was home made, but some people bought from a supermarket.
It had been organised, for example I was asked to provide a large bowl of cous cous salad. I did not hear one grumble from anyone who provided anything and certainly no grumbling on the day!

The day is for you, so do what you are happy with. If others are not so happy, thats their problem!

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 08/04/2010 07:56

I like the village hall idea as well.
THere used to be one locally to me that was licensed as well and they had a bar, the fee for the hall was only a deposit that you got back afterwards as they made money from the (still reasonably priced bar).
It got a lot of weddings there and people generally brought their own buffet although they could do one for you from sandwich/sausage roll type things to something a bit fancier.
Get a band or a dj and you have a big party going.

TBH i think people might go for the bring a dish type wedding than a restaurant as although they have to go to a bit of effort to make their dish for people who are maybe on a tight budget might sit better than paying for a meal in a restaurant.

gingernutlover · 08/04/2010 08:05

I would feel a bit miffed but probably be too polite to say anything.

I personally would be more comforatble with a party afterwards with a bring a dish type arrangement - that would be much cheaper for your guests than paying for meals out in a restaurant and would probably be noer for you than a cheap meal in a cheap restaurant.