Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why people get so outraged by other's choices?

189 replies

Mooncupflowethover · 03/04/2010 21:50

Talking mainly about elective caesareans/vaginal births here.

Why do people care SO much about what choice a woman makes regarding how she gives birth. I have read so many heated discussions on MN about this. Why do people get so aerated about it?

As far as I'm concerned, someone wants a VB, fine. Someone wants an ELC, fine. Why are so many people bothered about how someone else gives birth?? I'd understand if they were talking about their own birth choices!!

Anyway, that's my thought for the day

I doubt I'm BU!

OP posts:
ChangeNameChangeLife · 03/04/2010 21:51

Totally agree with you. Spot on!

LetThereBeRock · 03/04/2010 21:52

I've no idea but this thread will probably be 900 posts long by tomorrow evening.

Rockbird · 03/04/2010 21:52

YABtotallyU, fgs are you mad???

Sorry, just sensed you needed someone to disagree with you I don't care how anyone gets their baby out as long as all are safe and well. My family went mad because I was the first woman to have a natural birth since about 1901, the rest were all CS. I was like . She was out, that was it as far as I was concerned. No big deal either way.

tethersend · 03/04/2010 21:52

YABU.

Just kidding- couldn't agree more.

Maleeka · 03/04/2010 21:53

Because if we all had the same opinions and got along nicely, there'd be no MN!

thisisyesterday · 03/04/2010 21:53

hmm i don't know,. I suppose it's partly when you've experienced something you think is amazing you really want other people to be able to have that experience too.
I had an amazing homebirth with my second son and so I am fairly evangelical about it and would offer it as a suggestion to anyone posting about where to have a baby

And it also comes down to perceived risks to mum/baby. If you see someone posting about an ELCS who appears to be very much uninformed about the potential risks of major surgery then I think people do want to come in and say "hang on... you know it isn;'t that simple..."

and part of it is just the nature of the beast. it's a forum, people post about stuff asking for/inviting comments and opinion. If they didn't want to hear opinions they wouldn't post here surely??

Monty100 · 03/04/2010 21:56

Op - your name is gross.

Bleurgh

VerityBrulee · 03/04/2010 21:56

Totally agree with you. The only thing that matters is a healthy mother and baby at the end of the day, everything else is irrelevant. Some people just love judging don't they?

Vallhala · 03/04/2010 21:57

Agreed. I've had both types of birth and if I had to go through it again would have another section any day rather than a vaginal birth, but thats just me. I'm always happy to reassure women who are due to have an ECS that the op can be marvellous and almost pain free so well was mine controlled but if a woman prefers a natural birth good luck to her!

As long as women have as much control and choice and as little pain as possible then who am I to judge?

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 03/04/2010 21:58

It's human nature.

When you say "I did X" what is heard is "You did Y and you are wrong. X is right."

If you say that you think a certain way is the best way, you are saying that other ways are not the best way. - clearly.

So people who did other things see this as a criticism of their choices. And they get defensive.

Everything any of us do is what we think is the right thing. We wouldn't do something we thought was the wrong thing!

Some people seem to think that if someone was in the same situation and made a different choice, then they are saying that they made the wrong choice.

if you get what I am trying to say.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Mooncupflowethover · 03/04/2010 22:01

No Rockbird, I don't need anyone to disagree . I was just mulling this over really. My 2 sister's had great VB's, I was pleased for them. My step sister had an ELC, I was pleased for her. All babies were healthy.

I just cannot imagine saying to my step sis 'OMG, you really can't be considering a CS'..and then waxing lyrical about all the depressing stats. Why would I? Not my place to.

Women should be able to make their own (informed, hopefully) choices, without being criticised for it. Isn't pregnancy stressful enough?

OP posts:
omnishambles · 03/04/2010 22:08

I agree in principal OP in that we shouldnt care personally but its tricky because high rates of CS' are bad for the NHS, babies and mothers.

And if you've had a really bad experience of one thing or another you do feel it hard to sit on your hands and not comment. Especially if you think they are not making an informed choice.

tethersend · 03/04/2010 22:08

I think it's because people like to think that their own positive birth experience was a consequence of their actions and not a random lottery...

Original poster
Mooncupflowethover · 03/04/2010 22:10

Monty27 - my name is in homage to an actual situation that happened to me. I have forgiven my cup, it still has it's monthly excursion.

OP posts:
omnishambles · 03/04/2010 22:10

thats so true tethersend...

wukter · 03/04/2010 22:11

I agree with you MoonCup. It's nobody's business.

But, I think a lot of the trouble is down to miscommunication. It's such a huge thing when you are in the thick of waiting for the birth, all consuming. Less so some time later. So one person is making conversation, mentioning their fabulous homebirth like they'd mention their fabulous holiday in Italy. It's not a criticism because you are going to Spain. But it's so hugely emotive it's easy to read things in that aren't there. I have done it, more than once in that highly emotional time around the birth. The same comments made now don't have the same effect.

tethersend · 03/04/2010 22:11

A high rate of CS is not necessarily a bad for a hospital- particularly one such as UCLH which deals with a high number of difficult pregnancies and births.

The rates of CS should be seen in context.

thisisyesterday · 03/04/2010 22:11

lol i don't think that the experience you have is a lottery.

sure, there are going to be things that could be outside of your control.

but my first horrendous birth had a hell of a lot to do with being uninformed and unprepared.

my second and third were lovely, becuase i WAS prepared and I did things to make it easier on myself

of course things could have happened that I could not have done anything aboiut, which could have changed that. but equally, if i had not been as prepared it could have been just as bad,
so it isn't just a lottery

tethersend · 03/04/2010 22:14

thisisyesterday, we have no way of knowing whether or not it is indeed a lottery because there is no parallel universe in which you were unprepared for your second and third birth and they were still lovely/were horrendous IYSWIM.

Plenty of people are informed and prepared and have horrendous births, and plenty of people haven't got a clue and have amazing births.

iamwhatiamwhatiam · 03/04/2010 22:14

I find the good birth experience evangelism really wearing sometimes, sorry thisisyesterday - not having a go at you.

I must lay ,my cards on the table and say I'm booked to have an ELCS, and that I really want one. When people try to talk me into a homebirth I find it really tiresome.

I'm not uninformed, I'm not stupid I just, shock horror, don't have any ambition to experience a natural homebirth. Whatsoever.

CoteDAzur · 03/04/2010 22:15

"If you see someone posting about an ELCS who appears to be very much uninformed about the potential risks of major surgery"

Hey homebirth evangelist lady - You might like to search for Riven's posts and once you have read her story, I have a funny feeling that you will change that "potential risks" story.

Original poster
Mooncupflowethover · 03/04/2010 22:17

Well I can see everyone's point in that a woman's choice should definitely be informed. I think that relating a personal doom and gloom story to someone who is, say, having a CS for the first time is unfair really.

I read so many CS horror stories before having my 1st CS, that I was utterly convinced I was going to die. I had GD and DS1 was big.

But worse than reading these stories was the criticism I received for having a CS.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 03/04/2010 22:17

i know, but you also can't say that what I did to prepare for my 2nd/3rd DIDN'T help.

so you cannot state that it is a random lottery at all.

of course I want to believe that what I did helped, in fact, I know if I had gone into them in the same state as I had gone into my first then it would have been very, very different because the techniques I used DID help me cope with pain etc.

howmuchdidyousay · 03/04/2010 22:17

Do you mean an elective caesarian ?
An elective caesarian just means one that is planned in advance ,it has nothing to do with choice usually any more than an emergency caesarian is.

Swipe left for the next trending thread