to be questioning my entire life plan because I read Stephen Biddulph's Raising Babies?

[mrsbean78]

I'm posting this on AIBU because I want to canvass a diverse range of opinions - and because I haven't decided what I think myself.

I have a four month old boy and am in the process of finalising childcare/my return to work arrangements (due to heavy demand in our area).

I've been bothered about my choice (a daycare nursery) since day one, and am going to look into other options before committing and would prefer a childminder.

However, today at the library I spotted the 'Raising Babies' book and as the little man was napping, skim read quite a bit of it.

Wishing I hadn't. So much of it made sense.. it's common sense that a parent will stimulate and respond to a baby more than even the very best childcare worker on a ratio of 1:3, or even 1:1. Amaxing how I never thought of this before!

Just wondering if anyone here read it and threw it in the bin in disgust (and why) OR read it and promptly rearranged their lives naccordingly (and why) OR "other" (and why)?

YABU to base your decision on just one book. What do you want? If you really love your job then I advise against packing it in, you may not be able to get back in (depending what sort of job it is). Do you think you would enjoy and be good at staying at home with him or would you (be honest) be a bit crap and get bored?

don't over analyse for gawds sake! i sometimes think i should have put my son in nursery earlier than i did.

YABU. He'd have all women women barefoot and pregnant and doing church flowers if he had his way.

YABU

i have read 3 of steve biddulph's books on raising children and am yet to be convinced that they are based on anything other than his own very small-minded opinion on how children should be raised.

raise your child the best way you know how and always go with your instinct and what feels right for your family.

remember this saying; "paper will never refuse ink"

people can write all sorts of rubbish and pass it off as gospel. doesn't mean it is true.

Also, and I have said this before, this is the first time in history that a significant amount of babies have been cared for solely by their mothers. The middle and upper classes had nannies and maids, the working classes had extended family or there would be a woman on the same street who cared for children. On my mother's side, the women have gone straight back to work asap because they had to, otherwise there would have been no money and no food. Humans are supposed to live in tribes, I think, which involves different people caring for one baby, not just its mother. So I really fail to see how it can be that bad.

He is probably a nice well meaning guy but his first aim is to sell and make money.

I wonder who looks after his kids when he types this stuff out and meets his publisher and so on?

Stephen Biddulph has A Stance on this one. And he does argue it well - i remember feeling hideous after reading it.

But I would suggest that you go and read other opinions (the recent gvmt studies on outcomes of children in different childcare settings, name of which currently escapes me) rather than taking his word for it all...

If you feel uncomfortable about going back to work and if you can live on your other half's wage then stay at home.
It's lovely and, in my opinion, is the best thing for a baby. The bond that you develop and the beautiful moments you will share are without equal.
I like Steve Biddulph and I think he talks a lot of sense. He comes in for a lot of criticism from people that argue that nursery is just as good as being at home though, even though almost all childcare experts/ studies state the very same thing

We...ll I think you knew that really.

I think for every parent that says 'my child is so much happier at nursery because they get to play with sand/water/paint and do all the fun messy stuff that I can't be bothered with/haven't got time to do etc' in their heart of hearts they know that, logically, their child would rather be with them.

And its not just about stimulus and response. Nurseries are busy places - people are coming and going, staff are in and out - there is no time for a baby to switch off completely, so mentally they are going to feel exhausted.

All this is just common sense and the most loving caring nursery in all the world isn't going to make that different- it is still a business and it is still somewhere your baby is and you aren't.

BUT once you accept that and realise that life is essentially a series of choices and compromises you can move forward.

You can say 'I need/want to work and I have found the best Nursery I possibly can and I trust them to look after my baby.'

Or you can say 'I think I am the best person to look after my baby and I will give up work for a while.'

Or your DP can make that choice.

Either way your baby will be OK.

After all, I wonder who looked after Biddulph's kids when he was writing the book?

Oh and welcome to the guilt. That comes free with your Bounty Pack.

You will probably just get the same old arguments and opinions coming from people in answer to your thread.

FWIW in my opinion, if you can, it is far better to keep your child at home with a parent until they are 3 and then have only , I don't know but say up to 18 hours a week at a pre-school.

I feel in my heart and head that anyone younger than 3 in a childcare setting is just not being cared for properly. When I see the little two year olds tottering about in my DD's wonderful pre-school it just seems wrong to me. I once read that tiny children should be with people who truly love them. Well you aren't going to get that for most kids, in most places.

Regarding babies, I know some people have to but I cannot see how anyone could say that that would be better for a baby than being at home with a parent - unless that parent was abusive of course. Surely it's always going to be a much lower second choice?

From what I remember, Stephen Biddulph thinks child care is particularly unhelpful for boys under three? I don't know about that but just would say for boys and girls.

It's a huge subject and a very emotive one. You asked and that is my opinion.

Ah I won't really base my decision on one book! . Powerfully guilt-inducing though it may be! Part of my issue is that I am a Speech and Language Therapist and not the worst one at that so a) know far too much about how early communication develops; b) would be pretty good at stimulating/responding to my boy but c) would potentially find it boring .

There's a headwreck.. thinking that you are giving your child over to other people to care for so you can care for other people's children, and thinking somehow you would find that more rewarding? I don't know that I do think that, but I wonder about it. I wonder if that's just because he's so little now and I still don't know him very well and as he communicates more, I will find it even harder to leave him.

I threw away his book in disgust - mostly because I had a 2 year old and a 8 month old in Nursery at the time and I didn't want to hear it. However I did and do have reservations about Nursery care. Ultimately I gave up work to look after my children - because I didn't trust others to care for my children effectively. In fact they might have done a better job than me - but I'm a bit of a control freak, and at least its all my mistakes with my children iyswim.

There is absolutely not one right answer. You must do what feels right in your gut.

If you don't like the nursery, don't send your child- it's not the same as deciding therefore that a book is right and you are wrong.
Steven Biddulph's book is great if you are a mum who can be at home and stimulate your child, but if it's going to send you over the edge financially or emotionally then it may not be the best decision for you.
That's the choice you need to make, not what the book says is right, but whether you have it in you to want to be the parent the book describes, IYSWIM?
I say this as a stay at home mum, not with a superiority complex, but just to say it's hard work, often thankless and I think I wouldn't be able to juggle home with my old job with any degree of success, some people can, I couldn't.

I wish I had read Steve Biddulph before I put my first ds in nursery.

I would have still gone to work but would have looked for a child minder or nanny.

What he says about institutionalised child care for boys was very true for my ds.

Ds2 and dd1 both had childminders and I feel that the care they received was much much better.

Of course, someone will be along now and argue the complete opposite.

That's AIBU for you

Oh, and I think what WilfSelf said - if not libellous, may have some truth

Oooh look, you can Steve for muchos dineros

Check that woman's face.
Is that creepy or is that creppy.
I don't do gurus-in any filed.

Bugger.
I refer you to booking Steve.

Merrylegs:
"Oh and welcome to the guilt. That comes free with your Bounty Pack."
So true.

Sorry, that last part was jumbled.
What I meant to post was that most childcare studies/ experts stae that it is better for baby to be at home with a loving parent for at least the first three years.
This does give your child a confident and secure beginning to their life, as your days will be child led.

"as your days will be child led."

God that sounds awful. No offence.

Why on earth do you think you would find it boring, mrs bean?

Each to their own Brahms.
I am not sure what's so awful about that, but horses for courses

I've not read the book, and as far as going out to work / staying at home are concerned, I don't have strong principled opinions. I've done both - whatever felt right at the time - you really do have to do whatever feels right for you now. Only your family know that.

What I have done is read a lot of childcare books, from Gina Ford to Penelope Leach. And what I've found is that if I read a book and love it, it's because it's telling me to do what I wanted to do anyway. Likewise, if I read a book and hate it, it's because it's telling me to do something that just doesn't feel right.

So perhaps reading that book has just held a mirror up to what you're really feeling?