to be questioning my entire life plan because I read Stephen Biddulph's Raising Babies?

[mrsbean78]

I'm posting this on AIBU because I want to canvass a diverse range of opinions - and because I haven't decided what I think myself.

I have a four month old boy and am in the process of finalising childcare/my return to work arrangements (due to heavy demand in our area).

I've been bothered about my choice (a daycare nursery) since day one, and am going to look into other options before committing and would prefer a childminder.

However, today at the library I spotted the 'Raising Babies' book and as the little man was napping, skim read quite a bit of it.

Wishing I hadn't. So much of it made sense.. it's common sense that a parent will stimulate and respond to a baby more than even the very best childcare worker on a ratio of 1:3, or even 1:1. Amaxing how I never thought of this before!

Just wondering if anyone here read it and threw it in the bin in disgust (and why) OR read it and promptly rearranged their lives naccordingly (and why) OR "other" (and why)?

YANBU

I had HUGE misgivings about putting my baby in nursery when I went back to work.

So I left her with my mum instead, who did a great job of loving her to bits.

Sorry - want to add, that sometimes it's not possible to reconcile what's 'best' for us with what's 'best' for our children, and I think we should stop pretending that it is in order to make ourselves feel better about our choices.

I was fortunate and had a grandparetn look after my baby when I worked - in someways this was better because this grandparent didn't do anything but look after dd, no housework etc just playing and going out -a little shopping but that was all and probably got far more attention that with me as I still had all the housework to do which my parents didn't do until baby had come home with me.

So would it be common sense for grandparents to look after there grandchildren whilst parents work rather than a parent - no, you get the best care you can and suitable for your circumstances. I worked evening shifts so baby was mostly asleep whilst I was at work.

No book is going to really be able to have one size to fit all

Surely most people put their child's needs first? (that can include going back to work full time if you think being at home would be rubbish for your child)

I'm very glad that I have never read Steve Biddulph's books. I do believe that in an ideal world, babies and toddlers are best left with a parent. Provided the environment is stimulating, the parent is reasonably happy and confident and the child is getting some social interaction, not just at home with one parent the whole time.

However, not many of us live in an ideal world. I would love to be a SAHM but can't, so DD goes to nursery 3 days. She loves it, she is thriving there and I dont feel any guilt for leaving her. And wouldn't want a CM for various reasons, I'm sure that nursery is our best option in our circumstances. Does depend on the child though- DD is a very confident and independent little girl.

It depends how you define 'need'.

Obviously I am not going to let my children starve, become homeless, feel unloved or receive an inadequate education.

Children don't need their Mother 24 hours a day, so it is not really relevant to a childcare debate.

Needs as in happiness. Think Maslow.

I stay at home to look after my children, but Biddulph's book still made me feel like a crap mother. Stop reading books (those kind of books anyway).

Okay, well I suppose in terms of Maslow, one of the needs is respect of others. I don't believe that a child can learn how to respect other people if that child grows up in a household where another person always puts their own needs second, or third, or last.

MillyR....I am not trying to suggest that staying at home/going to work is all about the child's needs. I stay at home and so both needs are met, I need to be with my dcs. However a woman that resents staying home/suffers financially by doing so/would be bored and boring/loves her job too much to give up etc...would be no asset to a child on a full time basis. The needs are mutually dependent. Unhappy mother would equal unhappy child in the stay at home/go to work debate.

I would also add that I think it's impossible and artificial to try to separate 'mum's needs', dad's needs' and 'child's needs'.

They can be mutually dependent. Also, it's really difficult to objectively analyse the reasons behind particular choices. eg, if you can't afford childcare, or want to save money on it, you might leave your child with a grandparent and will then convince yourself that it's in the best interests of the child, when actually there may be other motives behind it. And it may prove to be the best situation for that particular child anyway. Likewise, if you live in an area with a childminder shortage, you might use a nursery and convince yourself its better, when in fact you don't have the choice to begin with. If you don't like your job much and would prefer to be at home, you might convince yourself you are giving up for your child's benefit, when actually it's because you would prefer not to work! It's just too complicated to analyse every situation.

I think everyone makes their own decisions based on a multitude of factors that are relevant to their family. And 'family' is the important word there, because every member of the family is equal, and being a martyr and elevating everyone else's needs over your own is a terrible example to set your children.

BTW Biddulph is interested in selling a lot of books rather than anything deep and meaningful

You know what with my first dc I read most of the books mentioned here and it ended up turning me into a neurotic, insecure mother. They all said different things, arguing their way was best and any other way would turn your dc into a raving psychotic. With dc2 I chucked the lot in the bin and was so much happier.

We are bombarded by books, TV experts, talk shows, newspaper columnists who all wax lyrical about parenting. It is nigh on impossible to dip into any form of media without encountering the latest expert telling parents what they are doing wrong and it is drowning out our instincts whatever they may be. I think our generation is experiencing this more than any other.

So OP as much as possible try to forget what you have read and see what your gut is telling you.

However, I am curious as so many of you have said financially you had no choice but to return to work and many SAHMs say they are lucky to have the financial luxury. We are broke and I have been looking at going back to work and I cannot afford childcare. I never could. With dc1 had I gone back full time, after paying childcare, travel, taxes etc I would have brought home an absolute pittance. Add another dc and I would have gone into minus figures. My husband's job does not qualify gor any tax childcare credits and probably my work would not either. So am I doing something wrong because I can't afford to go back to work.

I actually think that my 21 year old would be better off in part time childcare as I am often so busy cooking, cleaning, shopping and trying to hold my house together that I think it would be great to have proffessionals to get the crafty stuff out and amuse her.
I think that it does take a village to raise a child and that toddlers love being with other kids aswell as mummy. The key is finding the balance.

Just wanted to say how impressed I've been with the quality of debate from all the posters on this thread - it's so refreshing to talk about childcare issues without descending into either hysteria or slagging.

Sorry-21 month old!!

I haven't read the whole thread and am offering up only my own experience rather than a general commentary on nurseries/SAHM/WOHM etc etc
BUT just wanted to say I read the same book just before returning to work after DC1 and although it didn't stop me wanting to return to work (worked too long and too hard for where I am today to give it all up) it did make me change from looking for a nursery to looking for a nannyshare-a great one fell into our lap and it worked brilliantly until DS was 2 (we then moved) which I will be for ever grateful for. So I think you need to figure out whether you are:
a) unhappy working and leaving baby with someone other than yourself full stop.
b) unhappy working full-time (could you go part-time either now or in future)
c) unhappy with nursery and more comfortable with the idea of a nanny or childminder but happy with the idea of working.
d) unconvinced by the nursery you have chosen but would still prefer a nursery to other forms of childcare
If c or d it does sound (from what you said) like this is a great opportunity for you to go back and progress in order to then have more flexibility later on (when other DCs come along) and you should grab it in the current climate.

It is a tough decision but there is no ONE right answer-your DC will probably thrive whatever you do as he has a loving mother who cares deeply about his welfare.

It is really hard to resist the desire to say - "Do it this way - it's the way I did it and I think everyone else should do the same as me to prove that I made the right choice!" Each decision is personnal and different things suit different people and children, this is my personal opinion / experience.

Nurseries are stressful places for babies and very young children. It is difficult for many to sleep well and they are encouraged to fit in with the nursery routine. The transition when they are dropped off is difficult and made worse by other parents dropping off and picking up at different times. Other children crying can be upsetting to them as they have little understanding at this stage. Children pick up more illnesses (IMO) which puts strain on their immature immune systems. They are better placed to cope with this type of mass exposure to germs when they are older.

Having a nanny allows you to set the rules for your child, ensure their routines and eating habits are continued and gives your child the familiarity of their own home environment. Children get the same care ratio as they would if you were at home and their carer has no other responsibilities while in charge of your child. Nannies can help with appointments, shopping, meals, laundry and pre school classes. The transition in the morning is easier as neither you or your child need to go anywhere before handing over (worth up to an hour a day!) Nannies may have time off sick but IME this is likely to be less than the time your child is excluded from nursery due to illness. Children can develop a strong bond with their nannies but this is in no way detrimental to the mother / child bond but much more beneficial than a shared carer bond. Again, IME, nannies are great at organising children's social lives and they develop lots of friends / activities within a short period of time. Juggling holidays is a challenge and it is a more expensive option with lots of hidden costs.

If I had my time over, I would have choosen a nanny first over a nursery. Changing quite literally changed our lives and reduced our stress levels dramatically.

cannot globally generalise that nursery is stressful as statement of fact

some nursery are good, some are bad
some cm are good, some are bad
some nannies are good,some are bad

the broadbrush generalisations dont actully help or inform.and often merely reflect parental prejudice/preference

Totally agree scottishmummy.

Would add, 'some parents are good, some are bad'

indeed.parental competencies vary too

...this is my personal experience / opinion...

The book I recommend is called You're A Good Mom (And Your Kids Aren't So Bad Either).

Just trust yourself. If you want to stay with your baby all day every day and can afford to do so, go for it. If you love your job and feel you would go stark raving mad at home, and you can find good, loving childcare, go for it.

Your baby will turn out all right.

I wouldn't say that nurseries are stressful - but they are much tougher environments on children than being at home. That's one reason it bugs me when parents limit their child's sleep at nursery - I don't think they understand that the little ones really need that down time as nursery is soooo full on. There's no opportunity for the baby/toddler to have a little break in front of the TV or in the pushchair.

It all depends on what you value too...my daycare provider doesn't do lots of art projects or "academic" type things, which bothers me sometimes. But she's warm and happy and cheerful. She loves DS and he loves her without reservation. I trust her to keep him safe and happy and give him lots of hugs while I'm at work. (I also trust her to stop any naughty behavior ) I know that we do art at home as well as the occasional flashcard game, and he's going to preschool next year so it's no big deal.

If you choose to work, shop around for a childcare arrangment that suits you and gives the things you want, and then you've nothing to feel guilty about IMO.