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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be questioning my entire life plan because I read Stephen Biddulph's Raising Babies?

176 replies

mrsbean78 · 25/03/2010 22:39

I'm posting this on AIBU because I want to canvass a diverse range of opinions - and because I haven't decided what I think myself.

I have a four month old boy and am in the process of finalising childcare/my return to work arrangements (due to heavy demand in our area).

I've been bothered about my choice (a daycare nursery) since day one, and am going to look into other options before committing and would prefer a childminder.

However, today at the library I spotted the 'Raising Babies' book and as the little man was napping, skim read quite a bit of it.

Wishing I hadn't. So much of it made sense.. it's common sense that a parent will stimulate and respond to a baby more than even the very best childcare worker on a ratio of 1:3, or even 1:1. Amaxing how I never thought of this before!

Just wondering if anyone here read it and threw it in the bin in disgust (and why) OR read it and promptly rearranged their lives naccordingly (and why) OR "other" (and why)?

OP posts:
hmc · 25/03/2010 23:10

Must admit I found looking after small children boring - but nevertheless I stuck with the programme. What kept me going was the potential reward that ultimately the youngest would go to school and I would enjoy the payback of 6 months free time befor re-entering the world of work. Youngest has been at school for 18 months now and I haven't the slightest plan to resume work (cackles)

hmc · 25/03/2010 23:11

ruby - that is so true!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 25/03/2010 23:12

I just imagine it would be quite boring. Babies don't do a lot. I have no children yet, but will be interviewing nannies as soon as I get the positive pregnancy test result.

Original poster
mrsbean78 · 25/03/2010 23:12

Why would I find it boring? I don't know.. maybe I wouldn't, as I said it will be very different when he is older and can do a bit more than cry, smile, poop, pee and sleep. I do miss adult company.. and adult professional company involving problem solving and reasoning as opposed to the snatched/jerky conversations you get at parent/baby groups where it feels like most people are just waiting for you to shut up monologuing about yourself and your pfb so they can get on with monologuing about themselves and their pfb. Much as I hate the pfb phrase. Truthfully, though I have had some moments where I feel amazed by my little man, it can feel a bit like groundhog day at times.

OP posts:
WeeShuggy · 25/03/2010 23:12

I started to read his Raising Boys book and chucked it about 20 pages in. What I found most annoying was his 'all boys are like this, all girls are like that, all families should be like this' stance.

No. I fundamentally disagree. You know your child, you know your family, so do what you feel works for you.

mrsruffallo · 25/03/2010 23:13

Really hmc?
My youngest is due to go in September and I will be looking for work soon after.
I am really looking back on these years at home as a wonderful period in my life

moondog · 25/03/2010 23:13

Yes yes Ruby.
I've read every parenting book under the sun, from the mainstream dross to the lentil weaving lets share a bed until you are 28 stuff.

I put them aside when my mother drily remarked that it may be wiser to do some parenting as opposed to just reading about it.

hmc · 25/03/2010 23:13

I can't bear under 4's. I tolerated mine because I love them.

mrsruffallo · 25/03/2010 23:14

I've never found stimulating company at a parent and toddler group tbh

hmc · 25/03/2010 23:15

I am not a 'natural' mother mrsruffallo. Still kids seem to quite like me, and I think I bring something to the table (I am conscientious about their needs, enjoy hugs and kisses, encourage them - but also tell them to get out of my hair on a regular basis)

Original poster
mrsbean78 · 25/03/2010 23:17

So what do you do instead, mrsruffalo? I have no friends with children and am very far from family (as in, in a different country). I miss work for the company more than anything.

OP posts:
moondog · 25/03/2010 23:19

Peopel who get together with small kids never listen to a word anyone alse says anyway.They just drone on about feeds and sleeps. It's like an old folks home-everyone chattering away and nothing going in.

mrsruffallo · 25/03/2010 23:19

Very funny moondog.
You can tell the parents that have read too much-the way they talk to their children is so false, that purposefully clear condescending manner is infuriating

Niecie · 25/03/2010 23:22

I would say forget Biddulph - he may or may not have a point (I personally think he does but that isn't relevant), the point is that you were already having doubts about using a nursery.

If, with your background, and knowing your own child, you don't feel comfortable with nursery then don't do it.

I also doubt you will get a balanced and reasonable response to your question. All those who use a nursery will say he is wrong and only out to make money and all those who think he is right will not be using nurseries anyway. People tend not to have their minds made up by the books but find the books that support the decisions they have already made.

Missus84 · 25/03/2010 23:22

I haven't read his book, but...

Parental care is best for under-3s, I have little doubt about that. However, we don't live in an ideal world, parents need to work, and they often want some time away from their children.

And, childcare can be perfectly good! 50 hours a week in a nursery is no good for most babies, but some cope with it and plenty do fine 3 days a week. Lots might do better with a childminder. It's not just a case of childcare being good or bad.

rubyhorse · 25/03/2010 23:23

MrsBean, you'll get there. Not all baby groups are the same (although there is a definite tendency to the old-folks-home). Shop around a bit. Go and see your friends who don't have children, anyway. When DD was tiny we used to cart her everywhere. Sometimes it worked, sometimes we crashed and burned horribly, and everyone's still talking to us...

PlanetEarth · 25/03/2010 23:23

A parent will stimulate/respond to a baby more than a 1-to-1 childminder? I don't think this is necessarily so. The parent has probably been up half the night and is exhausted. They may be stuck at home with little adult company and feeling low. They may have other things to fit into the day (washing, cooking, whatever). They can't just cram in a few hours of stimulation with the baby and then have a big rest, can they?

mrsruffallo · 25/03/2010 23:23

I think I was quite lucky in that I met a couple of women who became very very good friends whilst I was pregnant-we all attended the same ante natal yoga class (sounds pretentious I know but wasn't like that at all!)
The others I met out and about as you do.
Loved taking my oldest swimming, park etc too

Missus84 · 25/03/2010 23:26

PlanetEarth - a childminder often has their own children, and will have other children to mind, plus school runs etc. It won't be 1-to-1.

Original poster
mrsbean78 · 25/03/2010 23:30

I am finding the 'mumdating' weird, rubyhorse. Am inventing a whole new vocabulary for it.

Mumflirting: the act of attempting to be witty when utterly sleep deprived in the vain hope of being invited back for coffee by another mum

Mumstalking: the act of reattending an otherwise boring mum and baby group in the hope of repeat mumflirting with a previous victim.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 25/03/2010 23:34

biddulph is author with brand message to sell via books etc

you need to be pragmatic and secure in your choices/needs.be aware plethora of opinions about this,you need to not lose faith every time you hear a contrary opinion

baby at nursery = every one has opinion.smile.listen do what right for you.you need to get used to divergent opinion

SarahDerbyshire · 25/03/2010 23:40

IMO you do what's best for you and your child, as no-one knows your situation better than you.

Make your choice and cope, and if it really was the wrong thing to do, you change it, but I would be inclined to give nursery a go - at least just to see if it could work for you.

My DS is at nursery too much at the moment, so I'm altering my hours at work to see him more, but since going, he's just doing so much more stuff, and I get the break from being mum that ensures my sanity!

rubyhorse · 25/03/2010 23:40

You see, that vocabulary makes me think that you're already in the swing of it and you'll be just fine.

God, it is bringing it all back, though. Oh, the horror! It's like starting school. If it helps, I always looked on it as finding new work colleagues rather than new friends - it felt less pressured that way...

canucktraveler · 25/03/2010 23:50

I constantly have this same battle in my head. Esentially I do believe that children under 3 should be at home with family (now this can be mum, dad, grandparent etc). You just don't get the same kind of love and attention in a childcare setting. I do not feel this way from all the books I have read or from TV shows I have watched. I feel this way because when I was a child I went to nursery for about a year and yes I can remember that I HATED it. I remember feeling abandoned at being left with strange people for hours on end. I think about it when I consider going back to work and leaving my child in this setting and then realise that it is not something that I can do. In addition to this I worked as a nanny for a few years and worked for a couple of families where I was more of a parent to the children then their own parents who worked fulltime and spent their free time with each other or friends. The parents were strangers to the children. I think that if you have family that can assist with childcare and you split this with minimal 'formal' childcare because you have to work then this is the best option. I did not have a child to just spend a few hours a week with her.

scottishmummy · 26/03/2010 00:47

i put mine in nursery at 6months.because i wanted to.enables me to work,be mum.be me.fulfil my financial demands.mothrerhood alone for me isnt fulfilling.