to be questioning my entire life plan because I read Stephen Biddulph's Raising Babies?

[mrsbean78]

I'm posting this on AIBU because I want to canvass a diverse range of opinions - and because I haven't decided what I think myself.

I have a four month old boy and am in the process of finalising childcare/my return to work arrangements (due to heavy demand in our area).

I've been bothered about my choice (a daycare nursery) since day one, and am going to look into other options before committing and would prefer a childminder.

However, today at the library I spotted the 'Raising Babies' book and as the little man was napping, skim read quite a bit of it.

Wishing I hadn't. So much of it made sense.. it's common sense that a parent will stimulate and respond to a baby more than even the very best childcare worker on a ratio of 1:3, or even 1:1. Amaxing how I never thought of this before!

Just wondering if anyone here read it and threw it in the bin in disgust (and why) OR read it and promptly rearranged their lives naccordingly (and why) OR "other" (and why)?

Do whatever makes you happy.

I like MillyR's post.

I really wonder sometimes whether the things parents think are so important to their child really are. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago with someone feeling guilty that they don't knit and bake. I wondered then and I wondered now how it would make the slightest difference to a child whether their mother does either. I can't say it was of overriding concern to me when I was a child. I think unless a child shows that they are actively miserable at nursery, there's no real harm. Most things exist more prominently in our own minds than our children's imo.

Very interesting thread - which hopefully shows you OP there isn't just 'one' way, and there isn't a right or wrong that exists beyond what is right or wrong for you.

fwiw - whatever you do decide to do, I'd suggest that it is your confidence in this decision which will make it work, either way. Dithering, resentment and guilt won't. Happy, positive confidence will.

• though, also, remember if it doesn't work. Then, hey, you're allowed to change your mind. Well worth remembering ime.

Sounds like the main problem is that you're unsure about the nursery. I put DC in one and took him out after a few months as I didn't like the staff/hygiene/food/the way he was being socialised. I'm freelance so can arrange my work around the kids, which helps a lot. Eventually found an excellent Montessori nursery school which was just what I wanted, except it's only 3 hours a day... but it was better for DC and better for me as I felt 100% happy with it. In retrospect I wish I'd found a childminder when DC was little - if you can find a good one I think this can be an excellent solution (regardless of what Mr Biddulph says - he's got some good points but it's not the gospel).

TallestTower - Dr Penelope Leach (not professor, my bad) is the director of Families, Children & Child Care unit at the Institute for the Study of Children, Families and Social Issues at Birkbeck (University of London).

Families from North London and Oxfordshire took part in the study of 1,200 children, which began in 1998. Ms Leach and her fellow authors Kathy Sylva and Alan Stein led a team of researchers who interviewed mothers when their babies were 3 months, 10 months, 18 months, 36 months and 51 months. This makes it both the largest and longest study conducted in the UK.

About half of the women taking part looked after their children full-time, a third returned to work before their babies were seven months old and about 8 per cent returned to work when their babies were under three months.

The study was published in Autumn 2005. It was widely reported in the press as "Mother's Care is Best". However, I think the press reporting was pretty unfair. I'm trying very hard - and failing, goddamn it! - to find a link to the study itself. I only have a hard copy, which is very frustrating considering how pertinent it is.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should point out that she also wrote a book, published in 2009 called "Childcare Today". Unlike any of the books pushing one particular idea of view point, it looks at the challenges of selecting the right child care option for one's children, its costs and who pays for it, the various options available, and the complex issues surrounding child care.

Her overall conclusion is that one must match child care with the best interests of the family and that there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer. Also that the quality of the care you choose matters much more than the type of care you choose.

DD1 went into a creche at seven months. i must admit that at times I felt guilty and at times I felt very stressed (mainly when they would call to say she had a temperature just as I was about to have an important meeting). When DD2 was three months old (and DD1 nearly Reception age) my DH was offered a relocation and I took family leave and became a SAHM. Has either of them suffered academically, socially, or emotionally, either from being in childcare or having me present 24 hrs a day in their 'most formative years'? .... well not as far as I can tell. (They do squabble like crazy but then that appears to be completely normal!)

This isn't actually the precise paper I was thinking of, but is well worth a read and is actually more up to date than the 2005 paper.

www.familieschildrenchildcare.org/images/22story_pdf.pdf

thanks for posting

Agree with others. depends on the child. ds1 has always loved nursery. now loves after school club. begs to go more. when we go on holiday he adores holiday clubs and begs to go more and more. ds2 seems happy at nursery.
i feel no guilt. no guilt at no playdoh'ing and baking, when not at work, becasue they are prit-sticked and slime-played out enough at nursery. so on my days off, we just be. or do housework.
sounds like nursery is not for OP. cm or nanny might be better.
was always happy with nursery. has the same main carers there for ds2 as they did for ds1.
agree mum is best. that is assuming mum wants to be there. i couldn't wait to get back to work at the end of my mat leave. being perm with children would drive me mad. i see my 2 days at work as a break for me.
but many women are born to be sahm's and thus their care is the best.
OP, can you get what is best for you and your child. is it achieveable ? be it 4 day week/ nanny or whatever will make you all happy ?

My eldest is simlar to TallestTowers and MillyR's no PND, is shy of new situations and a bit of a worry billy, went to Nursery and had a nanny, DC2 had a nanny from 9-13 months only and otherwise had me - happy go lucky confident child. Children are all different and not just moulded by experience.

Childhood memories - happy memories of being looked after by Mum but was constantly reminded when older of the sarcrifices she made for us - hope that having had a career first and made decision to be SAHM, will make a decision to change before feel resentful of being at home.

PS When the time comes hopefully I'll pick up a book or read a MN thread that will make me re-think my priorities.

I read it, felt guilty, sent DD to an outstanding CM with one other pre-school child (slightly older than DD) and went back to work.

In a service station on the m6 on way to Holyhead so can't really respond as you all deserve but many thanks for all the viewpoints and the references and link. Dh and I are hotly debating courtesy of I phone, cheers!

I would say, re the nursery, if you have your doubts then don't go with it.

We used a nursery for our first child and we were very disappointed. Once we had our second, we opted for a different form of childcare and are now much happier (all of us).

I wish my eyes had been opened to all the different types out there - I was sort of brainwashed into using a nursery as we couldn't afford a nanny with one child only and there were no childminders with spaces but I didn't research it that hard and probably could have looked a bit further afield etc.

Ultimately, good quality childcare = happy children = you being able to relax and do your job properly.

There is a lot of good quality childcare out there but some horrors too. Do some research and don't opt for something you aren't happy with .

It would be interesting if Dr. Leach and her team followed people until adulthood. You can imagine the headlines "Nurseries blamed for higher divorce rate!" "Stay at home mum care leads to a career as a librarian!" or other such randomness.

I am absolutely with everyone who says you have to just do what's best for you and your situation.

CinnabarRed - thank you for the link.

figure out what individually works for you
accept your fucked whatever you chose

so true!!!!! god I had not heard of this Bidd chap (and his wife Shaaron with 2 as, wtf). god yet more to make us feel guilty IMO

but agree your dislike of the nursery is maybe influencing this. keep looking. DC went with CM from 7 months and it was a great environment for him, I reckon once you have something you feel happier with..much easier

I think in general so long as parent is able to cope and is not mentally ill, having a parent at home (even one who is personally unfulfilled/bored) is going to be best for babies and pre schoolers. I don't think parents should never work again, just that as I say during babyhood and pre school years, that's ideal for kids

but then so is alot more social interaction probably ideal for kids; we have now developed a very insular, nuclear family society rather than the more mixed generation/community that we would have lived in thousands of years ago.

but on the whole I lean firmly towards mum/parent at home pre-school.

I also think that you do have to fit that view (if you share it) in with what's actually possible for you as a family; if you need two salaries to pay the bills and there's no way round that, then you get what you feel in your heart is the next best thing to you, for your child. And you don't agonise.

Whatever you do, someone somewhere will think you are wrong. Someone will criticise you and feel that you should be doing the opposite.

You just have to not agonise!

I would say it is a little more complicated than that Cirrhosis because I think it is whether one parent could cope at home and whether the other parent can cope with being the sole bread winner and have the pressure of the whole family relying on them. Relative job security also makes a bit of a difference. No point in giving up a secure and flexible job if the other parent doesn't have much security.

The concept of something being 'right' for pre-school kids is fundamentally rather flawed though, because what constitutes 'pre-school age' depends entirely on what country you live in!

In some countries children don't start school until 7.

There is no 'magic age' at which anything becomes 'right'.

Well I am in the minority but i am not v. pro nurseries.partly as I helped out at one when I was a teenager and it was upsetting,the children did seem to need one to one care and they weren't getting it.The staff were nice and very kind and gentle but it isn't possible to give much attention to each child in that situation.I think a childminder might be a better option but I haven't used either.I also think some women feel pressured to be at work when they really would rather be with their children.I do see that this isn't true for everyone,I have friends who have really wanted to be back at work,and obviously financially it can be difficult to be at home ,but personally I have chosen not to ever put my girls into a nursery.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I would definately say that there is a middle way. i never thought I would send dd to nursery but she started two mornings a week at 22months (just before dd2 was born). She loves it and would definately be there rather than at home! She has masses of fun rather than being at home entertaining herself,with me constantly bfing dd2.

It depends on the chikd and the nursery though. The nursery she goes to said that if I wasn't 100% sure about it, she'd pick up on it and probably not settle.

I went back to work in 2 weeks and we had a daily nanny here at the house. SB is surely a bit of a misogynist who wants to keep women down. I would go with your instincts and ignore "advice". Most of us love and manage our chidlren very well often in different ways from other people. Children most of all want security routine and happiness and love. I am not a great exponent of nurseries actually as I liked the children could bond with the daily nanny from day 1 who stayed longer than some men stick around and also if the child is sick it can stay home with the nanny rather than have to be kept out of nursery. Also if you have 3 under 5 as we did at ohne point a nanny is much much cheaper.

don't suppose there is a magic age for anything but I do think as a parent you have to hold opinions and views on what is right for your child - if you don't who will?! Clearly, violet I was referring to pre schoolers in this country because it's where I live. My ds was only a pre schooler for 3 years - went to school at literally just 4. Very short time, for me!

Which county is 'this' country?

You could be posting from anywhere!

country