get police involved or not ?

[elmofan]

hi , have posted about my ds going through hell by the hands of a bully in his class before but things have started up again yesterday ,
brief history = ds (11yrs) was beaten up last year by two boys in his class , he received kicks to his head & upper body & ended up suffering terrible headaches & having tests & an MRI scan which thankfully was clear so headaches were put down to stress
yesterday ds got punched in his stomach at lunchtime by bully then chased down the road to where the school car park is the bully was trying to beat him up again , ds has told me the bully keeps making "cut throat signs " & telling ds he is going to kill him , so i stepped out of my car yesterday when i saw ds running for his life & this boy continued to threaten my ds while i was standing right there beside him
no fear in him what so ever .
AIBU ?
i am sick & tired of going up to the principal about this as she does not seem to do anything about it , i intend to go back up on Monday morning to tell her i am going to have to get he police involved at this stage as she seems unable to put a stop to this bully . this has been going on for two years now .

Agree with everything said. And with keeping him home if it happens again - they're usually quite keen to keep down the "unauthorised absence" figures aren't they?

Oh Elmo so sorry to hear all this. Arse-covering is what's happening here so don't give up.

maryz i have completely blown it i was so shocked & baffled at her talking about ds's home life & friends he has at home that when she asked had i any questions i said no , she caught me completely off guard & i have let ds down yes this is the first time she has ever voiced any concerns about ds being immature , she told me during ds's interview with her today he never stopped fidgeting & therefore asked did he fidget at home , i said no & that I'm sure ds acted like that because he is stressed & nervous . i am very upset tbh & feel like a total failure as a mum.

Take him out. Seriously. Surely being educated at home until you find him another school would be so much better for him than this shit for another day.

I know you say the schools are too far away. But can you investigate if there's any way at all it could be possible? Contact the next nearest school. If you don't drive, explain the situation to them and ask if they would consider checking if any other families go from your area who might car share.

Please don't let it go on.

Oh Elmo, this is horrendous. Echoing what everyone has said, this is just WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! How dare she suggest that ds is at fault. And the use of "language" is well justified by your ds in that situation!

How can she equate that with the bully's behaviour?

This actually is a classic technique used by some (bad) teachers: to turn to the child's home background as being responsible. This is outrageous!

Am so, so for you! Is there ANY way you could find an alternative school?

Feeling absolutely outraged on you and your ds's behalf!

Please don't give in...xx

Sorry "for" you, not on you

Elmo you have not blown it you were right not to say anything I echo what Maryz has said, she also to the best of my knowledge cannot ask/tell another parent to approach you for any reason, if this mother does please just say I am sorry nut am unable to disciuss this with you and walk away. If you communicate with trhis head in future do it by letter only and ask her to reply like wise.
Telling a bully to piss off is different to being beaten up/asaulted and threatened. Also please complain to the board of Ed this Head teacher has step way over the mark and potentially endangering a parent and child I would also write to head out lining what was said and ask for reply as to whether she agreed or not then ask gardai to put it in their file. Document everything
On the other hand take some thing from this would it help your son to talk to someone outside the family esp as this has caused him so much stress [ask your GP] it might be good for him.
Of course he does not want to join group things the poor child has been bullied is that woman mad?
I am in IRl for a few weeks Cork if I can help I am good at letter writing and knocking on Politions doors if you want help plse ask

She being the head teacher not Maryz

Nice school!!! where is this place?

Buzzybb - your offer is very very kind but i am in co Dublin too far away unfortunately
maryz she will think I'm nuts if i go back in there again & have another go
kitty i would love to name & shame but might get into trouble .
HMC the principal said she has spent the last two days asking the other teachers about my ds behaviour in the yard etc in others words she tried to dig up some dirt on ds to use against me the only thing she had as that ds told x to p### off . so according to her " ds is just as guilty as x" as ds provoked x . been very upset today & feel sickly now .

For some unfathomable reason it seems the Head just cannot be bothered to sort out the bullying issue. You have to take this issue further (not sure how it would work in Ireland) but the Board of Governors or the LEA need to be informed about all of this.

Elmo I'm coming late to this thread but I well remember your lovely words to me recently in support of my ds. I so appreciated them.

Can I return the favour and say you are an amazing mum. You are doing all the right things. The principal is a pathetic twat, don't let her get into your head and undermine you. You were actually there and heard this kid threaten to kill your son, for crying out loud. And as for her disgusting comments on your son's alleged "failings", well I certainly would say telling a bully to piss off is a perfectly good way of standing up to him. Good on him.

If only you could go to her and tell HER to piss off, though that would probably not result in best outcome for your ds. However, if you're lurking, Elmo's principal - Piss Off!
Chin up girl, it's always darkest before dawn. I feel sure she is just fighting all the harder to shut you up cos she realises it's about to go all tits up for her as soon as you involve governors.

Sorry but am around if you need me or better still come stay with me I am about 8 miles from Minister of Eds hse we can stalk him until he does something for you

How awful for you. The Principal is shirking her responsibility for some unknown reason. If you do decide to go back and speak to her (which I think you should) then there are a few things you can do to help yourself iyswim:

Make a list of questions - at least some of which you know the answer to e.g. Has anyone else had a problem with this child? (Presuming "yes" to be the answer to that!). That will help you stay in control of the conversation. It can also be useful to catch her out if she is fibbing!

Take someone with you. Not only for moral support but to be a witness too and to remember the details of the conversation (it is amazing how easy you forget things when you get het up).

Failing the last one, take in a tape recorder and openly tell her you will be taping the conversation. If she objects you can always ask her why - has she got anything to hide? If she strongly objects then state you will not be having a conversation with her until you husband can make it.

Have a Plan B if you still don't get anywhere i.e. what will your next move be - solicitor, police, letters to the Edu Ministers etc. You can choose to inform her of this or not - that is your perogative.

Most of all Good Luck!! She is in the wrong and so is this awful child!

buzzyb lol id love to take you up on that offer of stalking mr o'k but sadly dont think it would help much lol ,
hope you really enjoy your stay in cork , and if you ever come to Dublin let me know x
trickyteenagersmum that made me laugh lol , had a talk with dh when ds went to bed , dh says principal can say what she likes if one hair on ds's head is touched we will follow through on our promise of getting the police involved .
rowingcah thanks , yes next time i will have dh with me & a list of questions ,

elmo, I am FUMING for you, that Woman deserves the sack, she is playing on her power rule to humiliate you into been too embarrassed to stand up to her, by picking holes to point blame at you, when in reality, SHE is not doing her job properly, whilst he is at School SHE has a duty of care to your Son, one she is not full filling, & asking the other Mum to speak to you is outrageous.

All kids are different, some like your Son sounds are not as gregarious & out going, but that does not give her the right to lay the blame at your door.........of course you are gong to "mollycoddle him"..........why wouldn't you, when SHE is leaving him at risk of harm by being too soft on the bullies, & shirking her legal responsibilities, by pretending its not happening

don't let it lie at that.....but go over her head, don't waste any more time & energy with this idiot head........the law is on YOUR side

I think I'd be talking to the local press by now too

I was told by my DS's headmaster that if bullying happens in school its a school issue and outside is a police issue.
My DS's bully stood outside my front door telling me my son DESERVED to be bullied!!!!!The wee s*!

you know, I wonder how much of your Sons school situation makes him not want outside activities, .....I say that, because my DD has always been little miss social butterfly, would wade in any where without fear, & try anything, she could always be relied upon to draw the quiet kids out of their shells & get them joining in, everyone commented on how bubbly & confident she was.....& then the night mare boy joined her School, & all the nonsense started for her & her class...........like your Son, I now can't get her to do anything, won't go to the Dance class she once loved, & hides behind our shirt tails at parties.......that was how I first knew there was something wrong......on speaking with her Godmum, who works with counselling kids, she asked about School........Bullied kids often withdraw...... so if she thinks your Son is "immature" at dealing with kids like the Bullies.............perhaps it HER bloody fault for not protecting him properly in the first place.........put it in writing....put everything in writing, & turn it back around on her........ & do write to the EWO, & let them know whats going on with your Doctors backing

I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how you feel...but don't let her bully you, come out fighting & win....you CAN do that, & just think of the lesson your Son can learn from that

Well, the new education Minister is now Mary Coughlan but she's in Donegal so not any nearer!

elmo, I am so sorry to hear how you have been brushed off. I'm sure she is hoping that you will just go away now but don't let her get away with it!

And you know what? If your ds had the gumption to tell this boy to piss off and he didn't piss off, how exactly is he supposed to defend himself.

I would also get very bolshy if they start to question your home life and how unbelievably sexist to say ds needs to spend more time with his Dad? Like that would make a difference!

And there is no way they should get this woman to meet up with you outside the school? God knows what she'd do!

So for you! and for your poor ds!

The principal is handling this very badly. She is the adult in charge and it is her job to make sure your ds has a safe environment. That responsibility does not lie on the shoulders of the poor child himself.

This is reminiscent of the 1970's!!!

And there's always Gerry Ryan, don't forget!

Please forgive me, but I haven't read all of this thread as I'm a bit pushed for time. I've also namechanged because this is a very recent occurance and I don't want to out myself in case anyone involved mumsnets.

My ds is 11 and in year 7. He was out a few weeks ago with some mates and apparently bumped into another boy from his year. Ds clapped this other boy on the back and the other boy complained to his mum who reported it to the police. I thought that there must've been blood involved or something for this action to have been taken tbh, but no. My ds is not a bully, he's very sensitive actually and is often bullied by others and from what I've gleaned, it was not intended in a nasty way to the other boy.
The complaint was taken very seriously by the police and I got a phone call from the police telling me that no action was going to be taken which was a huge relief to me. I asked the det sgt if I could bring ds in for him to frighten the crap out of him to which he agreed. Ds was very relieved when told the 'good' news, but was read the riot act which actually was almost word for word what I'd told ds, so it reinforced it for ds to realise that what I'd said was correct.

I do wish that the mother of the other boy had spoken to me rather than going to the police. Neither she nor the police know that ds is being punished at home harshly and indefinitely and actually, I'd quite like them to know that I take this sort of behaviour very seriously and wont tolerate it in any form, but most especially if the 'other party' took this in such an extreme manner, they'll know that it wasn't laughed about and brushed under the rug.
Unfortunately, I wasn't given the opportunity to tell them this.
Ds knows that he could so easily ended up with a criminal record.

Serial bullying is of course a different kettle of fish, and dealing with it is a mine field.

Elmofan, I think you can sense you have a lot of support here, and a lot of anger on your behalf.

The principal is totally shirking her duties here, and is actually being very bullying herself. I personally know of a head who did very similar things : questioned a bullied child's homelife and even his parents' marriage! She'll to anything to avoid acting on this, and claiming your child was heard to use a rude word in the yard and thus is deserving of physical threats is unreal.

It's a really awful situation for your ds to be in, and she's obviously hoping you'll go away quietly! I think you need to keep making a "nuisance" of yourself by not letting her off the hook. TBH, Gerry Ryan crossed my mind too!

Btw, tennis might suit your little man down to the ground. My ds started it last week and loved it! he confessed afterwards that he had been afraid that some boys would be "mean" to him, but actually they all were very nice there. It's a bit less aggressive than other sports, and he doesn't have to rely on anyone else to pass him the ball (unlike soccer!).

Good luck today, please keep strong, you're a great mum.

xxx

thank you all for your support , tbh i am in tears as i type this , i feel so hurt for ds , it seems if i had brought him up to be a brat then he would now be a happy little boy therefore my fault . instead he is the child that other children run to when upset & he comforts them , he is so soft & caring . i really dont know how he can cope with all this . better than me thats for sure . My head is all over the place tbh as it seems like the principal is always sticking up for the bully & his parents . bully's mum was driving right n front of me to the school & as soon as she saw it was me behind her she sped away & then pulled in a distance away from the school car park so she would not have to face me . not that i want to have anything to do with her anyway tbh. i have nothing to say to her .
rockinhippy your dd sounds very like ds , he is always the life & soul at parties , very bubbly . its so very hard to watch them go through this isn't it .

Elmo, you havent blown it, dont worry, its hard to think on your feet. Most of us walk away thinking i should have asked this or said that.

Its not too late, write to the Head stating thank you for meeting with me, having considered what you said i would like to ask the following..... (also include your minutes of your meeting ie what was said)

and turn it all back on the school.

Ds is immature, cant cope with school life, swears, fidgets and whatever else she said and ask her how the school plan to help your ds with this.

Also put it all back on the bully ie she has told you he has problems, what help are they going to put into place for him to prevent this from happening again.

Also write what happened last time you spoke to the parent and that you dont appreciate her advising the other mother to speak to you about it, as it is clearly the schools responsibility.

Also add that you are prepared to do whatever you can to help and have enlisted ds in whatever activity as per advice.