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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

332 replies

BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 12:37

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
belgo · 19/03/2010 13:15

I also strongly suspect there are deeper issues between the OP and her sister, I can't imagine why you would post these things about your sister if you got on well with her.

If you got on well with her you would be able to talk to her and sort this out.

If you continue the way your are, you risk causing more problems for your relationship and that will only cause you and your parents more stress in the long term. I'm sure your mother would be upset to know that you are your sister are falling out over the inconvenience of her granddaughter.

Tee2072 · 19/03/2010 13:16

I am wondering why your dad spoke to you about it rather than directly to your sister. Are they not all grown ups?

If I was you I would stay out of it and let mom, dad and sis sort it out. It is not your job to baby sit your parents.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:16

Thankk you Orm, you seem to understand.

The rest of you can fuck of with you accusations of 'issues with my sister' TBH I can't see how your getting that from me.

SGB - she is travelling in the car with me, my DP and another adult. They is no room in the car for a car seat. The only other option is to travel with my parents, which my Dad would rather not do because of the state my mum is in. He has asked me to deal with this because they can't, they have enough on their plate.

So what should I do? Pay for her train fair there and back. Pay for her taxi's whilst there. Share childcare ferrying her baby in and out of the church/crematorium even though I have left my children behind (hard decision for me too BTW). Or should I say - it's really not practical that she comes, can't you leave her with her Dad?

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:16

Tee - it fucking is when they are grieving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 19/03/2010 13:17

Could you or the other adult travel with your parents if they can't cope with sis and baby?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2010 13:18

Well surely wither you, your dp or the other adult can go with your parents so that there is room for a car seat?

GypsyMoth · 19/03/2010 13:18

so one of the other adults in your car goes in with your parents then?? why not?

belgo · 19/03/2010 13:19

If you were so convinced you were right, why did you bring the question onto this forum?

pooka · 19/03/2010 13:19

YABU.

Completely.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 19/03/2010 13:19

quite, belgo

LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2010 13:20

Since you're getting worked up about this you should go in the car with your parents - you will get to spend time with them, the baby won't be there - it will calm you down

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/03/2010 13:20

Try asking your sister how she thinks she should get herself and her baby to your GM's funeral. Don't allow her to just leave it all up to you. You don't have to make the arrangements for her.

If she won't come without the baby (fair enough, I wouldn't have left my 8 month old baby for two days) but doesn't have a way of getting them both there, then she will just have to miss it.

You do not need to facilitate her attendance at this funeral. But it is not up to you to decide for her whether or not her baby can come.

upahill · 19/03/2010 13:21

I was thinking that Belgo. It's an AIBU thread and when everybody days yes actualy you are they start getting angry with you. Why bother I ask!

belgo · 19/03/2010 13:21

good solution Lauriefairycake - you are quite the mediator!

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:21

They are going up the day beofre, so not really practical.

Has everyone ignored the fact that she is leaving her with her Dad? Not just alone in the house??

My sister overburdens my parents all the time, I have no issue with it, it's the way it is. I feel proud that I'm not doing the same and that I can look after myself and my DC's independentely. NO ISSUES HERE!!

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 19/03/2010 13:21

I understand a little because when FIL died and DH was in a almost catatonic state with shock and grief, it was left to me to organise transport from Weston S Mare to Staffs for MIL (his and his 2 grand-dds). They chattered and giggled all the bloody way and I could feel the stress building from DH. It made a horrible experience even worse. Not everyone behaves at their best in that sort of situation.

GypsyMoth · 19/03/2010 13:23

but it clearly IS an issue!!

JentlyDoesIt · 19/03/2010 13:23

I took my DS to my grandmothers funeral at 10 months. He was looked after by a lady who had helped at the mother and toddler group with my gran during the actual service in the church, the DP looked after him whilst I went to the crem. He brought the whole family together, lots of people around to look after him / play with him and for one day, I let go of my PFB feeding habits and he snacked / ate when he wanted.

It was a 2 hour journey each way. Can stops be planned into the journey at all? Plus, at 8 months, can the journey be planned round nap times etc? Or perhaps there are relatives your Sis can stay with?

OP - I think you are BU, but I think there are other ishoos, too I am very sorry for your loss though snd hope you can work things out so everybody is happy.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 19/03/2010 13:24

hmmm it's your opinion that she 'overburdens' your parents

You feel proud that you are not doing the same and that you can look after yourself and your DC's independently.

No issues there then, ho no

LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2010 13:24

Yes, but she doesn't want to be away from her for 2 days - that is her choice.

You are way overinvolved in this and you describe she 'overburdens' them all the time - that is their problem not yours. You are clearly angry about it. You do have an issue with it.

if you didn't this would be simpler.

pooka · 19/03/2010 13:25

I would not personally take an older child to a funeral - i.e. when my father's mother died, I didn't take dd 5 and ds 3. Felt that would be harder to manage, that they'd be more aware of sadness and so on.

But I recently took my ds2 aged 5 months to my much loved Great Aunt's funeral. Was cooed over by elderly mourners and generally was a star. Couldn't leave him because too young and also breast fed.

helenwombat · 19/03/2010 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fishie · 19/03/2010 13:27

what did your sister say when you told her there was no room in the car for a child seat?

Scrudd · 19/03/2010 13:27

I agree with everyone that says that it's absolutely fine to take a baby to a funeral, a positive thing, even.

On the food issue, it's simple enough for her to have a jar of food in her bag and find a spot to sit down and feed it with the baby sat on her lap. I think that's a bit of a red herring, tbh.

Do you only have one car between you, your sister, your mum and your dad? Are there no other relatives going from your area?

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 19/03/2010 13:27

I don't get why you can't just say 'We'll gladly give you a lift, but we don't have any room for DD, so you'll have to get the train if you bring her along, and I'm afraid Mum and Dad can't take you either' and leave it at that?

And why would need her train fare paying? Do she and her DP not work?