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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

332 replies

BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 12:37

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 13:27

ok. But in a few weeks come back and read this thread and see what you think then. Because this seems to be all about you and very little about your
mum tbh. Hey ho, your life. But you sound slightly deranged.

ihearttc · 19/03/2010 13:27

Without being funny why does your DP get to go when your sisters DP has to apparently stay and look after her DD...you've said that you are leaving your children with your friend why can't you leave them with your DP instead and make some room in the car for your own sister who has lost her grandmother. Its not your DP's grandmother is it so don't quite get why he needs to go.

FWIW I took my DS to my DH's nans funeral when he was 3 months old and was absolutely fine.

majafa · 19/03/2010 13:27

If someone had suggested that I didnt take my 3mth old to my grandmothers funeral, Id have told them to sod off go away, very politley.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:28

I've posted to see if it was unreasonable, I gather yes. I'm not sure I deserve the namecalling, judgements on my relationship with my sister, and the overall harsh response.

I don't know why it's such a hard thing to do to leave your baby with it's Dad though?? For just a couple of days??

I will call her and say that she will need to arrange her own transport (as in her DP will have to find the petrol money and drive them up) and they will have to make their own accommodation arrangements.

OP posts:
Scrudd · 19/03/2010 13:30

pooka - why not take an older child to a funeral, kids are allowed to be sad when someone dies too

My mum died a couple of years ago, and although I didn't take the kids (then 10 and 8) to the committal, I did take them to the church service.

I think it's such a shame that our society cuts kids out of such things, funerals are a family/community thing, kids are part of the family and community, aren't they?

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:30

iheartttc - 'Its not your DP's grandmother is it so don't quite get why he needs to go'

Because he would like to pay his respects. Because he loved my grandma. Do you get it now????

OP posts:
ToccataAndFudge · 19/03/2010 13:30

" feel proud that I'm not doing the same and that I can look after myself and my DC's independentely."

welll guess what - I need help from my friends (my family are as much use as chocolate teapots) to look after me (yes really) and my children sometimes........

GypsyMoth · 19/03/2010 13:31

namecalling? you were the one who told everyone who didnt agree with you to f**k off!!!

SmileysPeepul · 19/03/2010 13:31

batty I can kind of imagine that you and your parents have that 'oh God now she wants to bring the baby, wouldn't it just be easier if she left her home for the night?' type feeling.

Oftne there is lots to do, arrangements to make etc when someone dies on top of all the greiving.

It may seem easier to you if she just came alone but the decision has to be up to her.

But be totally open and honest, but without hosility if you can. Tell her 'if you are bringning DD there will be no room in our car, Dad has told me he is worried that mum will end up looking aftre your DD please be aware that they need no additional complications.'

then leave her to make her own decisions as an adult once she is awrae of the everyone elses situation.

I hate AIBU and the unecesssary insults, raryely is someone so mcuh of a twat the desrve the level of abuse dished out. I shuld learn not to read and avoid.

upahill · 19/03/2010 13:31

Batty....
Seriously I would not have left mine at that age for two days at all. I know you can't understand but I guess we all feel different.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:32

Can anyone answer why it is such an awful thing to leave a baby with it's dad for a couple of days??

OP posts:
ToccataAndFudge · 19/03/2010 13:32

can they AFFORD the petrol money? Can they afford the accomodation?

I couldn't have attended either of my grandparents funerals, nor those of an Aunt and and Uncle who died last year if my family hadn't helped out with costs.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2010 13:32

Don't do that - it is likely you will regret it.

You are expressing your grief as anger (a very normal response) and you need to take a lot of care of yourself, grieve for your grandmother and not get involved in all this.

it is likely that it will turn into an argument if you say that to her - if you really don't want her to travel with you then get your dp to talk to her or someone less emotionally involved.

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 13:32

That's what's getting me about this. How hard would it be to ring her and say that it was all getting a bit stressy, how can we work it out so it's best for everyone? But no, you choose to come on here and give out about her instead. There are more adult ways of dealing with this but you don't seem to want to. No issues my backside!

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:32

'you were the one who told everyone who didnt agree with you to f**k off!!! '

I don't think thats true, is it??

OP posts:
Scrudd · 19/03/2010 13:33

but your dh isn't a blood relative, and you sister AND her baby are!

You're being very odd now. Why on earth would your partner take precedence over a blood relative, if money is tight and space short?

LaurieFairyCake · 19/03/2010 13:33

It isn't an awful thing - she just doesn't want to be away from her baby for 2 days.

You just don't seem to grasp that she is entitled to do things differently from you.

cakewench · 19/03/2010 13:34

Batty- I'm sorry, but if I am just going by your OP, I would say YABVVU.

However, it seems like you left out big significant parts of the story. 1) Your parents have said that the baby being there is going to stress them out, 2) the details of the travel (5+ hours, no room in car, etc.) and 3) the fact that your sister sounds very irresponsible, perhaps either young, or just used to being treated like she's young.

So I'll just say, if the above were not true, I'd stick with you being U. It's a funeral, and having babies there can be a vv good thing. It reminds everyone that life is carrying on, and it is a significant family event after all. Weddings and funerals, bringing us all together.

Your sister sounds like a pill, though, and I've got no idea what to suggest there. Are there no other family members who would consider helping with the baby? Perhaps more distant relatives, cousins or so who aren't as close with the diseased? I've been to funerals for DH's grandparents, I could have easily held on to a baby for a while.

I sympathise with you having to make decisions and arrangements for your sister. I'm an only child, so this is something I have no experience with. If I needed something doing, I did it myself. Best of luck, and I'm sorry about your grandmother.

DebiNewberry · 19/03/2010 13:34

Sorry about your grandma, it's always hard.

What about if your dp stayed home to look after the kids?

There would be room then? Or do you need him there to support you?

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/03/2010 13:34

"I will call her and say that she will need to arrange her own transport (as in her DP will have to find the petrol money and drive them up) and they will have to make their own accommodation arrangements."

I do think this is the right thing to do. She is an adult and you do not have to make all the arrangements to accommodate her.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:35

'you choose to come on here and give out about her instead'

Err, no I didn't

Perhaps I made a mistake in posting this here.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/03/2010 13:35

nobody SAID its an awful thing to leave a baby with its dad for a few days??

its up to your sister....maybe she doesnt want to,maybe her partner doesnt want to....none of your business is it

Effjay · 19/03/2010 13:36

I took my daughter, who was 6 months at the time to my Great Aunt's funeral and everyone was so pleased to see her there. She behaved well at the crematorium and at the church. However, she did blow a raspberry when the coffin disappeared behind the curtains at the crematorium . It did lighten the mood and everyone said it would have amused my Great Aunt, a former primary school headmistress, immensely.

ihearttc · 19/03/2010 13:36

Its not the leaving the baby with its dad for a couple of days that seems to be the problem-its the fact that you cannot see that your sister might actually want her daughter with her. If my grandmother had just died the last thing I would have wanted to do was leave my child...no matter how old he or she was-Id want them with them all of the time.

And of course I get that your DP wants to pay his respects to your grandmother but you've made this huge thing about your sister leaving her daughter with her DP so I didn't really understand why you couldn't do the same and therefore solve the problem by freeing some space up in the car. Doesn't her DP want to pay his respects as well? Why doesn't he go to in a separate car and then he'd be able to look after her DD and be there to support your sister as well?

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 13:36

No of course it's not an awful thing to leave a child with its father. But she obviously doesn't want to and that's up to her. Really, you seem to be making this more difficult than it needs to be. Agree with poster who said to tell her to make her own arrangements. If you're sick of mollycoddling her then don't do it.

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