to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

[BattyKoda]

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

yes - how many people in the car
where are you all going to be sleeping?

She also wouldn't think about the stress my mum - and dad- are under. She has called to say she's bringing her, and hasn't put any thought into how she will get there, she's leaving it all up to us.

paisleyleaf - she's not an mn'er, she doesn't have the internet.

Her DD will only eat pureed food at a set time (according to my sister) hence the problem with her getting hungry, snacks not really an option.

I just mean you might be helping your parents more if you could have said that between you and your sister the baby will be fine.

I took my children aged 3.5 and 10 months to my grandad's funeral. It was fine, there was no way I could have left either. The eldest always a source of wisdom was quite a comfort to a few people with the things she said.

Mutt, you weren't calling her on her behaviour, you said she seemed like a prize cow. That is not talking about her behaviour, that is calling her a name. That's why I said it was unnecessary.

This is a very difficult time for the OP and I think she should be given some slack here.

For what its worth I agree with the majority of the posters here and YABU.

Taking all this on board there are always ways around things, a sleeping bag in the corner takes up no space really does it ? or can a neighbour help out with cars, spare bedrooms etc ?

I think at times like this neighbours can bend over backwards to help, you just have gto ask.

It might be easier trying to think of ways of helping her and your baby niece rather than going out of your way to obstruct her.
Work together as a team to overcome any problems that you might forsee.

It will help all of your relationships with each other in the long term.

paisleyleaf - I am have made the (hard) decision to leave me DS's at home because I know I will not be in afit state to look after them, so it is unlikely that I will be able to look after her DD/.

she doesn't have internet, she doesn't have money (presumably as others are paying for her going.........rather like the last 3 funerals I attended my parents paid for me to get there and back), she gets a lot of help with childcare.......sounds like she could be struggling a bit.

How about a little sisterly love for her instead of making her out to be some god awful woman

Well actually I have some sympathy with the OP. We all know people that act as if their new baby is the entire centre of the world. And that is quite natural but a pita at times. And if the GPs have tended to go along with this to some extent there is a risk the sis will expect this to be the case now. OP is trying to protect her parents.

I personally think that babies do belong at funerals. Circle of life etc but I can see the rest of the few days could be fraught. I am sure a small baby will take up little more space in a house but I can see transport might be a problem.

And everyone is grieving - perhaps not at their most rational

'It might be easier trying to think of ways of helping her and your baby niece rather than going out of your way to obstruct her.
Work together as a team to overcome any problems that you might forsee.

It will help all of your relationships with each other in the long term. '

I really agree with that, especially at this time of a family bereavement.

"She has called to say she's bringing her, and hasn't put any thought into how she will get there, she's leaving it all up to us."

Ah yes the 'my baby is the new Messiah' school of parenting. Ask and it shall be given

ToccataandFudge - I'm not sure what you are hinting at here, but there is no 'deeper' issue. The only issue I have is that my Grandmother has just died!

It is a 5 and a half hour car journey, so neighbours unlikely to be able to help

Have you always resented your sister, by any chance? I appreciate that grief makes people emphasise their less good personality traits a lot, and also get hung up on unimportant things - if your sister is travelling by train and her fare has to be paid by someone else, it doesn't make any difference to the fare whether or not the baby is with her - , but I do get the impression that you resent your sister and take refuge in self-righteousness.

It's getting a bit stealthy now wouldn't you say? It was obvious you had issues with your sister from your first post. None of you sound very supportive tbh. You could be thinking of how you can get everyone there and the arrangements rather than sitting on here giving out about her. It's a hard time for everyone, trying pullig together instead of trying to score points.

'It might be easier trying to think of ways of helping her and your baby niece rather than going out of your way to obstruct her.
Work together as a team to overcome any problems that you might forsee.'

Sorry, if this is selfish, but at the moment the only thing I can 'work' on is getting over my Grandmother passing away.

i am really confused about what the journey has to do with it. you don't want the baby in your car?

well there are a lot of digs about how your sister expects your parents to help look after the DD (perhaps they actually enjoy it - my mum comandeered my DS's at both her parents (my grandparents) funerals despite the fact that my dad had said she probably would't cope with wanting to look after them (I didn't ask her to - she took them off me!), how your sister isn't paying for getting there, how she expects everyone else to make the arrangments.

I'm just wondering if there's some issue that's been going on for longer.........

FWIW my brother and I really don't get a long at all...........but we've managed to "pull together" for several recent family funerals.

I think all you can do, rather than tell her she can't bring the baby' , is to say to her that your mum and dad (and you) are a bit worried about the logistics of sleeping and feeding the baby. And she should know that your mum doesn't want to be feeling responsible for the baby.
So she knows in advance not to expect any support from her parents, or you.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one reading more into this issue wit her sister than the sad loss of the OP's grandmother.

What paisley said.

But that's not what your 'working on' - your working on interfering in your sister's and mother's relationship.

if your mother doesn't want to look after her granddaughter at the funeral then she should just say no or you could (gently) say to your sister "make sure you don't overburden mum with your dd, she's very fragile".

YABU. However I think the point has been slightly missed, you are grieving and have lost perspective. You are not a horrible person. However, just because you feel comfortable leaving your ds's doesn't mean she has to leave her baby. I took three week old to funeral. Far from it being a problem, I think people appreciated the effort this took and were glad to see her, as others have said circle of life stuff. But the thing it comes down to is how your mother feels about it. everything else can be got around if the will is there I think.