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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

332 replies

BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 12:37

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
SmileysPeepul · 19/03/2010 14:50

Oh sounds like you shuold be able to resolve this happily then Batty.

It's amazing how assumptions are made and misunderstandings arise, which fuel misplaced anger, and an honest talk can often resolve things.

Sorry you've had such a hard time here, the battering given sometimes can be very hard to take. Hope you are OK.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:52

Sorry DorothyPlenticlew! How annoying!

(am only sorry if you were going to be nice )

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:55

SmileysPeepul - thanks! I know AIBU is renowned for being harsh, but I though MNer's would have gone a bit easier on me considering I am grieving. Obviously no one is safe form an AIBU battering!

OP posts:
SmileysPeepul · 19/03/2010 15:00

Yes well ime, one seems to be deemed unreasonable unless one is behaving and indeed thinking in an enirely rational, selfless and compassionate manner at all times, and one is then fair game for cries of 'twat' and 'right cow', dead grandmother or not!

Join the rest of the human race, if not the rest of MN, in having the occasional pissed off thougt about your generally lovely family.

3cats3dogs · 19/03/2010 15:09

Haven't read all of this, but you are being VU!
My GM died when DS2 was 3 months old. Leaving him with someone else was not an option.
Many people commented how lovely it was him being there, and having a positive thing to focus on as well as remembering my lovely Grandma.

upahill · 19/03/2010 15:13

I'm glad it is sorted Batty.
Hope everything goes as well as it can.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 15:14

I've just noticed my typo in the title . Bet that got you lot going before you even read my post

OP posts:
Portofino · 19/03/2010 15:17

Cor this one kicked off! Sorry about your grandmother Batty, I hope you get it all sorted.

trixymalixy · 19/03/2010 15:19

Haven't read the rest of the thread, but YABVVVVU.

Unfortunately my DS went to 4 funerals before he was 6 months old. Everybody was very pleased to have him there as he brought a bit of joy to a sad occasion.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 15:20

Thank you portofino

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 19/03/2010 15:20

YABU

upahill · 19/03/2010 15:22

I'm quite understanding of typos. Often it's only once a post has been sent the mistake is obvious!

(I've done that so many times and cringed!)

MumNWLondon · 19/03/2010 15:41

I think its up to her whether she goes or not and its very unreasonable to suggest she doesn't take the baby BUT...

... you have no obligation to find transport or accomodation for either her or her baby. That is up to her. It would be reasonable to say for example - sorry there is only room in the car for you, but not the baby if you want to bring her you'll have to make your own arrnagements. Same with sleeping.

jellybeans · 19/03/2010 15:53

Haven't read the rest of the thread either but YABVVVVU

OrmRenewed · 19/03/2010 15:57

Well perhaps some of you might find it enlightening to read the rest of the thread.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 19/03/2010 16:04

Bloody hell I suppose the moral of the story is a bit of communication solves a lot of problems

Meita · 19/03/2010 16:07

Sorry for your loss.

And glad to hear some talking and explaining has helped... you now know better why she wanted to bring the baby (and perhaps have better understanding for her decision? It seems it WASN'T just her being her usual irresponsible self), and she now understands why you would have preferred her not to. Together you found a way forward. Great!

If your solution doesn't work out (her DP's work could make a fuss...) you might be back at square zero... except that you have already established understanding for the situation on both sides.

If it turns out she needs to bring the baby, for whatever reason, I can see three issues: The travelling, the sleeping, and caring for the baby during the service etc.
It would of course be great if you could again work together on finding solutions.
Regarding the travelling, well to put it bluntly, beggars can't be choosers. If it's about discomfort, then I'm sure it can be lived with. Not ideal, but surely better than leaving your sister behind.
Regarding the sleeping, several people have suggested solutions that sound doable. Again, maybe not ideal, but workable.
Regarding the caring during long ceremony, I am certain a solution can be found, if need be right there and then. People are generally v willing to help.

Of course, the real issue might be that you can't work together to find solutions, and that you resent it being left to you in the end to arrange things.
I think it perfectly understandable that you would resent this. And in the long term, I think you should discuss it with your sister.
However, I think the time when everyone is grieving is NOT the right time to call for her to "grow up and take responsibility". However hard it is for you, right now I think it would be worth it for you to forgive her for being who she is, and do everything you can to help her attend the funeral (with baby if so required).
It would be a terrible shame if a family row broke out because your GM died. If your sister couldn't attend the funeral because the trip would be uncomfortable.

I hope it won't come to this - it looks like SHE is trying to find a solution (now that she is aware of the problems). If she can't, then it would be really great of you to help her out.

Hope it all goes well and that you have a lovely service, and that your mum recovers a bit and feels supported all round.

designerjooles · 19/03/2010 16:07

And let it be a lesson to pull together at tough times - you all need each other the most right now.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 16:21

I think tbh, she was pulling a bit of a strop with her DP and his Mum and didn't think about the practicalities of it, which is typical of her. Hopefully though she has taken on board what I have said and regardless of whether her DP can get the time off she will do whats best all round.

OP posts:
Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 16:22

OrmRenewed - I have been biting my tongue, so to speak!!

OP posts:
fishie · 19/03/2010 16:32

i am finding these people commenting when they haven't read the thread VERY ANNOYING. read it or don't post.

FleurDelacour · 19/03/2010 16:34

Another moral of the story is that being able to drive is a useful life skill.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 16:37

Yes Fleur - absolutely!

OP posts:
OrmRenewed · 19/03/2010 16:40

Agree about the driving. DH's youngest sister was the helpless lovable one in his family, married to a total twat with 3 DC and no money. She learned to drive and ended up getting a fantastic career and ditching her husband. Now she is one of the most capable and successful women I know. Not that driving alone did that but it was a hell of a catalyst.

FleurDelacour · 19/03/2010 16:41

Save your money- you have a car, get DP to help teach you. Have a couple of lessons when you're ready for the test.