Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

332 replies

BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 12:37

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 19/03/2010 14:01

What lynnexxxo says about the seating is true. You and DP will be comfy enough in the car. And the 2 adults squished in the back are accepting a favour from you, so it's up to them.

icecoldcatsbum · 19/03/2010 14:01

Batty - here:

The rest of you can fuck of with you accusations of 'issues with my sister' TBH I can't see how your getting that from me.

WombFrootShoot · 19/03/2010 14:02

upahill - and your point is? I don't think OP's partner is going to be crying for cuddles or food or needing getting off to sleep. (I could be wrong though, who knows?)

SE13Mummy · 19/03/2010 14:02

Is there no way the 'other adult' could travel by train instead? Your sister could probably borrow one of those pop-up travelcots to use overnight/for naps which will take up hardly any room in the car.

My DH's grandma died just before Christmas and we took DD2 (then 6 months) to her funeral. Another cousin brought her 3 month old along, and my 2.5 year old nephew was there too and no-one would have had it any other way. I didn't take DD2 to the crematorium but went back to the house to help get the lunch ready whilst DD2 slept. DD1 (aged 5) didn't come because it was her last day at school (she changed schools in January) so she went home with a friend for tea/sleepover.

She came to my Grannie's funeral when she was nearly 2 (but not to the crematorium) and her presence was much appreciated and enjoyed by the others there, not least because Grannie had enjoyed her so much whilst she was alive (and DD1 is named after her).

Having the great-grandchildren at the funerals of GGMs was really important for our families and a real comfort to others there. I hope your family manage to find a way that all those who were important to, and precious in the eyes of, your grandma can be there.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:02

Ah, that post. that was only aimed at the ishoos people though, not everyone

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 19/03/2010 14:04

I'm sorry for your loss.

Who's the other adult going with you? Can't they get the train? I can completely understand your sister wanting to take her baby. Why don't you stay at the B&B with your DP so there's more room for your sister and baby? I think you need to compromise a little.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:04

It's 5 and a half hours though (without stops and clear traffic) and it is a very tight squeeze.

OP posts:
ToccataAndFudge · 19/03/2010 14:04

actually am bowing out of thread - still can't get over the

" proud to look after myself and children independently" bit

am off to potentially "overburden" some friends for a bit (again), thankfully I've seen that what goes around comes around and if I suggest I'm asking too much of them when I really need the support they tell me whats what.

ronshar · 19/03/2010 14:05

Sorry for the loss of your Grandmother, it m ust be a very hard time for you and your family.

I would suggest that perhaps you call your sister and simply say that there is no space in the car. Then judge her reaction. Perhaps she may surprise you and make her own travel plans.

You dont need to cause upset by telling your sister that your dad has phoned you.

Be the adult if your sister struggles to be one.

Good luck with the funeral.

hobbgoblin · 19/03/2010 14:05

You are on the wind up I'm sure but I'd suggest trying to wedge your head a bit further up your arse to make space for the baby. As for the suitability of crematoriums for babies - they obv. have no problem letting nasty whiney toddlers in, so I'd fret not.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:05

I'm staying at my grandma's at my sisters request. I would rather stay at the B&B.

OP posts:
mompa · 19/03/2010 14:05

Hi BattyKoda, Iam sorry for your loss. Who is the other adult?

macdoodle · 19/03/2010 14:06

I'm awfully glad you're not my sister
How old are your children out of interest, and would you have left them when they were 8 months old??
I feel sad for your loss, I was devastated when my grandmother died, but I think you are being harsh and nasty

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:06

hobbgoblin - thanks for your advice. Twat.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 19/03/2010 14:07

I can see that the OP is trying to shield her parents, but in doing so is basically forced into the position that the parents usually seem to take - i.e being the grown-up in the relationship with the sister.

So I can see she's in a difficult position, and she's being called unreasonable when she's actually trying to sort out and take responsibility for a problem that is not of her making.

She can't 'tell' her sister to leave her baby, nor can she 'tell' her sister not to come. And if she doesn't sort things out for the sister, the sister will dump on the parents. It is hard.

But there comes a point where you have to let people take responsibility for themselves. So tell your parents and your sister what YOU, the OP, are doing. To the extent you have room, time, money etc, you can help. But you can't run other people's lives for them.

If your parents have a problem with taking the sister and the baby, they have to say that to her themselves.

paisleyleaf · 19/03/2010 14:07

"it is a very tight squeeze." ....in the back
That's okay. If they want a lift, they have to accept that.

verytellytubby · 19/03/2010 14:07

Who's the other adult in the car?

diddl · 19/03/2010 14:09

I´m assuming that your sister couldn´t drive your car, leaving your husband at home?

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:09

My auntie mompa.

My children are 4yo and 13yo. And I'm not too thrilled to be leaving them myself TBH.

Her baby is 8m, she has left her with my parents overnight before and with her DP during the day a few times, so she can't feel that strongly.

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 19/03/2010 14:11

Stop taking responsibility for her. The other people in this story are all adults. Let them sort it out. And your father can deal with your sister, even if your mother is not in a fit state.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:11

diddl, My DP is the only one out of all of us that can drive.

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 19/03/2010 14:11

I'm not going to ask why your aunty can't go with your parents.

icecoldcatsbum · 19/03/2010 14:11

Could your auntie go with your parents in their car and your sister and baby in your car?

verytellytubby · 19/03/2010 14:12

Can't your auntie go with your parents or drive herself? Your sister is grieving too. She obviously doesn't want to leave her baby (which I wouldn't have done). I do think you need to accept it and work out solutions.

You have your DP for support, she wants her baby there.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:12

wondering - it was my dad who has asked me to deal with it - he doesn't fell he can.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread