to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

[BattyKoda]

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

Batty you have had lots of sensible advice. You're just not choosing to take it!

Another one? Haven't read it, but the OP is the one with the baby, and her SIL is being unreasonable, not the other way around.

So there is room in the car - it'll just be a bit of a squeeze.

You'll be staying in a house - there will be room for the baby one way or another.

There is absolutely no reason why your sister cant, or even shouldn't, bring her baby, it's all do-able.

The problem is just that for whatever reason this isn't what you want to happen.

Making an issue out of this would be a really bad idea imo, the resentment it will cause is not worth it - and you will not come out of it looking good.

I can totally imagine that being the one who has organised the travel and organised your own childacare, that you feel 'Oh FGS' whne your sis who is relying on you for a lift is bringning her own child.'

It may be 'her choice' but only because you have eorganised the travel for her and organised your own childcare.

Sometimes being the relibale one and all the assumptions that go with that, can get mightily tedious, and so I can totally understand the 'why can't you just leave her just this once type feeling.'

I agree though that despite your irritation you need to traed quite carefully as you don't want lots more family upset at this already upsetting time.

You do need to treat her like an adult though, and make her aware of all circumstances and views so she can make all her own decisions.

Bibbitybobbittyhat and Morriszapp speak sense.

It is not your responsibilty to facilitate your sisters transport and accomodation.

If she wishes to take her baby then that is up to her, likewise it is up to her to sort out the logistics.

FWIW my sis is a pita and relies on everyone else for almost everything (I do adore her though) When you are trying to hold yourself together and cope with grieving, having additional worries and resposibilities thrust upon you is not fair.

Batty you were making ridiculous, offensive comments on another thread that were frankly irrelevant.

I know sibling relationships can be difficult, but given that you're all very sad can you not all try to facilitate everyone's attendance at the funeral.

As I see it all you need to do is:

(a) explain to your Auntie and your sis that the car will be a tight squeeze

(b) explain to your sis that you'll be staying in the B&B with your DP so there's room for her and her baby at your Grandmothers (though frankly I can't see how there isn't room for all three of you)

(c) have a nice chat with her about what parts of the service it might/ might not be appropriate for her to attend, and what to do in case of screaming baby.

It's not. that. difficult.

"and relies on everyone else for almost everything"

We're all born, we all die - if you're happy to take your baby, take her - let her be a wonderful reminder of the cycle of life.

Dear god, YABVU!

You realise that your sister has suddenly lost her grandmother too don't you?

We're talking about an 8 month old baby here.

pamplem0usse - not sure why your bringing the other thread into it, could you not adress me on that particular thread?

Oh, this is one of those confusing threads where you have to read millions of posts to make any sense of who is who/being unreasonable or reasonable.

Whoever is being difficult about the baby is being an arse. Maybe because they are upset or whatever, but still its really unaccommodating and unpleasant. If saying so makes me a twat, so be it.

The wedding threads about the inconvenience of babies are bad enough. Is right shitty of anyone talking about funerals. Mournzilla.

I think they do Ormrenewed! My sis is lovely, generous and kind but has the organisational skills of a monkey.

Dh's family have a few worse than her

Dear me, Mumsnet would be a gazillion times better if people would just take a minute or two to read the chuffing thread! Really it would. An awful lot of the famous unpleasantness would be wiped out immediately.

Mournzilla - what a lovely person you must be hobbgoblion.

I think the sister also needs to be told that her baby is her responsibility, and if she feels she couldn´t cope, then she should consider leaving baby at home.

At the end of the day, baby would be with her father for a couple of days, so I can see OP´s point.

That said, if the baby fits in the car &sister doesn´t want to leave her then she shouldn´t have to.

You are relying on your dp to facilitate you going to the funeral, your sister is relying on you. I don't see the difference. This is what families do for each other. You obviously feel that at the moment, or perhaps for a long time, your sister gets more 'looking after' than you do.

Perhaps her dp is not so supportive as yours? We can't possibly know but I think it's best to be as kind as you can manage when emotions are high.

All sorted now - bear with me here.

It turns out the reason she was bringing her DD was because her DP couldn't get time off work and had arranged for his mother to look after DD, which my sister is not happy with, hence 'I'll just take her with then'.

We talked, and she came to realise the extra stress on my Mum isn't fair, and she didn't fancy being squished in the back of the car for 5 hours (she didn't realise our Aunt is in our car) so her DP is trying again with work. Fingers crossed.

Batty,

Please can you explain why your aunt can't drive up with your parents.

Good.

Batty - this is why communication is so important! Don't let poor communication damage the relationship with your sister, especially at a time when family is so important.

Because they are going the day before and coming back the day after.

Aye, my hapless and hopeless sister is also a wee darling loved by all, including me. I love her to bits.

But it's chicken and egg isn't it - is she utterly useless and incapable becuase we all bail her out endlessly, or do we all bail her out endlessly becuase she's great and we love her.

I don't see eye to eye with my sister but I'd never make such an issue over her bringing her baby to a family funeral and I doubt she would me.

I guess you are just not one of those supportive of each other kind of families. Certainly seems so. She's not bringing her new boyfriend it is her baby. I don't get how this is not an absolute that must be accommodated alongside the needs of your parents, etc.

Can you explain?

I am nice. You don't sound it particularly I must say.

Gah. Was all set to offer my invaluable opinion and just as I reached the final page after reading everything ... you've sorted it out. Almost.

Hope it will be OK now.

belgo - I know, I posted this to see if it would be an unreasonable thing to suggest to her beofre I spoke to her.
To me alot of people over reacted, but maybe that was my fault for 1)posting it here and 2)perhaps not being clear.