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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

332 replies

BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 12:37

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
icecoldcatsbum · 19/03/2010 14:12

Paisley - x posts! great minds eh?

LadyintheRadiator · 19/03/2010 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BecauseImWorthIt · 19/03/2010 14:13

First, I'm very sorry for your loss.

But second, I think you are being very unreasonable. Your own sister has also been bereaved. Why on earth shouldn't she bring her own child to the funeral if she wants to?

And instead of complaining about how much room she's taking up, surely you as a family should be looking for ways to facilitate her journey to the funeral for her own grandmother.

You still haven't said who the other adult in the car is. Is it a family member? I'm guessing not, as you won't say who it is - and surely a member of your own family should have precedence over them?

Some of the name-calling has been a little extreme, but it really does sound like you're not especially considerate of or caring about your sister. This isn't a party you're going to - it's a significant life event.

And if your dad really doesn't want her to bring her child then he should talk to her direct.

haroldandmaude · 19/03/2010 14:13

Batty I can see why you think your sister is being a pain. It does sound like a difficult situation.

I'm just wondering if your sister is taking her DD in the absence of her DP.

As going to a funeral of a loved one is hard and upsetting and it's good to take some 'moral support' with you. Obviously you have your DP with you, and as say your parents are very upset. Your sister's DP can't go, so do you think she feels a bit 'on her own' and feels she needs to take her DD instead? I know a baby can't provide 'moral support' but it's someone to hug when she's feeling upset...

macdoodle · 19/03/2010 14:13

Laeving a 4yr old and a 13yr old is really not the same at all is it?? Would you have left them at 8 months old, surely this can be sorted, there seem to be various options, I think YOU have decided what is best for everyone, and they all need to go along with it!
YABU I am afraid!

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 14:14

Something funny about this. You say your child is 13yo and your profile says you are 25. If you had a baby when you were 12, how can you say you never depended on your parents for help and assistance?

Or is there a typo in your post?

AvrilHeytch · 19/03/2010 14:16

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Message withdrawn

pumperspumpkin · 19/03/2010 14:16

I really hope this is a joke - not a very funny one, mind you, but a joke. YABU.

mnistooaddictive · 19/03/2010 14:16

My DD2 had been to 2 funerals by the time she was 10 months. She refused to take a bottle and so I couldn't leave her. One involved an overnight stay and the other the day but you can't leave a breastfed baby for that long. She behaved imbeccably in both crematoriums, with just a bit of giggling. I would have taken her outside straight away if necessary but it wasn't. Neither was the funeral of an old person and one in particular was very difficult as it was the death of a close friend in her thirties but everyone said it was nice to see a baby ther and know that the cycle of life goes on.

ToccataAndFudge · 19/03/2010 14:17

and what has your MUM said about it - has she actually directly said to anyone that she doesn't want to end up looking after her DGD on the day?? Or is it your dad assuming (as ime fathers tend to do?)

Am really hiding this thread, going to go and try and take responbility for myself on my own after all anythihng less just isn't good enough is it.

Thanks, not just OP, but for a whole load of others using the "well she's a grown up" line for helping me feel so bloody great

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:17

Sorry 4yo and 13mo

Thanks for looking at my profile though....

OP posts:
wonderingwondering · 19/03/2010 14:17

OP, phone your sister and say 'dad's mentioned he's worried about the logistics and practicalities of having the baby there'. So you state a fact and leave her to decide what to do.

She may ask your opinion, she may not. Don't offer your opinions or solutions unless she asks. Then it becomes a (hopefully constructive) discussion rather than you giving her orders. And don't forget that you have probably given this a lot more thought than she has so she'll work through the implications and solutions frustratingly slowly. But she has to reach her own decision.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 14:18

Was curious about your age as there seemed to be so much sibling rivalry.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:18

I'm actually going to get the troll accusations aren't I?? Never had one before

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 19/03/2010 14:18

T and F - this thread is NOT about you.

FakePlasticTrees · 19/03/2010 14:18

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss.

you are hurting and focussing on something that isn't all that important, the logistics.

Who is the other adult in the car? Are they close family? To put it bluntly, are they more important to you than your sister?

If you weren't giving them a lift, how much of an issue would your sister taking the baby be? Could a solution be contacting them and saying you are sorry, but there's no room in the car and they will have to make their own way there. Could they drive/get the train rather than your sister trying to travel with a baby when grieving her gran?

For 2 nights, I would say your sister can co-sleep, even if they don't normally, that would be the 'where to sleep' problem fixed.

You need to think past the funeral, you could do long term damage to your relationship with your sister if you don't help her now. As independent as you are, don't assume you'll never need her in the future. Family is important.

diddl · 19/03/2010 14:18

If parents are going down alone in a car, can they at least take some luggage of yours?

OrmRenewed · 19/03/2010 14:19

Agree fake, it's just the lift bit that seems the biggest problem.

tartyhighheels · 19/03/2010 14:19

People often get really controlling when something like this happens and I think this is what you are doing. You want to not have your kids there, then fine, your choice but you do not have the right to impose your views on anyone else. Personally, I think it will really cheer everyone up having a little one about.

Sorry about your Grandma but imposing order on everything else is not going to change anything just make trouble in your family when you should be seeking harmony. I think you should try to make it as easy as possible for her to bring her DD, her loss is the same as yours afterall.

wonderingwondering · 19/03/2010 14:21

Toccatta, the I think 'she's a grown up' is aimed as at the fact that everyone around 'the sister' (as she is now known...) is making decisions for her, and offering solutions. A far better approach would be 'this is the situation, these are the limitations and practical constraints, within these, what do you want to do?'.

And that may mean giving a lift, wheeling the baby round the reception to give her a hand - nothing wrong with that at all. But no-one seems to be consulting her or asking her to make a decision based on the realities they are faced with.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 14:21

Thank you wonderingwondering for your advice.

This is moving so fast I'm getting a bit overwhelmed, good to have some sensible words in the middle of it though!

OP posts:
ShinyAndNew · 19/03/2010 14:21

I am sorry for your loss but I do think YABU. I have a sister who sounds similar to yours. She cannot or will not take responsibilty for herself, she is very childish and self centered and can throw tantrums even the most dedicated toddler would be proud of.

She makes my blood at times. Once to to the point where DH had to physically hold me back to stop me slapping her upside the head

I am the one who to listens to my mum when my mum when my sister is going off on one. So I understand why you might be fustrated by her.

However my sister is my best friend. If I was in your sistuation at the very most i would talk to her and ask if she thought it was a good idea to take the baby. If she was still adamant she wanted to take her baby I would make sure damn sure that she was able o.

AvrilHeytch · 19/03/2010 14:22

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Message withdrawn

blogpage · 19/03/2010 14:23

YABU

skidoodly · 19/03/2010 14:25

Agree with MorrisZapp