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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate the whole 'Naughty Chair' method

166 replies

TheLeftFelanji · 13/03/2010 22:33

My friend uses this for her child (4). It just doesn't seem to work and the whole thing is so chaotic! She calls him 'naughty' ALL the time and drags him and threatens him all day. Do you want to sit on the Naughty Chair????!!! Ok, THAT'S IT!!! get on the Naughty chair!!!!!!

I am starting to feel really tense before I go round, it's a battleground. Can someone please explain if this works and how it's supposed to work and if you use this method? ....without me reading having to read a ton of toddler handbooks.

Much appreciated xx

OP posts:

LaDiDaDi · 13/03/2010 22:36

Hmm, I now only use it if dd (3.10) is hitting out or having a massive hissy fit over something. I put her in "the naughty corner" and then after a minute she calls out "I'm calm now mummy" and then she gets out. It works for us in those situations to defuse things and physically separate us to give us both a chance to calm down; more of a calm corner really. Not sure it would work if dd was under constant threat of it all day tbh.

mummychicken · 13/03/2010 22:37

I think it works - learnt it from Super nanny. We don't have an actual chair or step, just a spot - which is portable as my DS (2.5) discovered today in the swing park!

paisleyleaf · 13/03/2010 22:37

ikwym
I had a couple of friends who were using it when our DCs were about 18mths old.
I think it's promoted by supernanny.
Wouldn't it be better called 'timeout' or something?

cookielove · 13/03/2010 22:44

Is it always a threat, or do she actually carry through with it, because empty threats are never going to work.

And also would say time out not naughty

BertieBotts · 13/03/2010 22:45

It comes from the idea of time out. Which is removing the child from a situation for a short time (1 minute per year of age usually quoted) to allow them to calm down - but it has been made into a punishment rather than a coping strategy (because when time out is used as intended, some children will take themselves there if they are finding it difficult to calm down) - by labelling it "the naughty chair" (Reminds me of the dunce corner they used in Victorian times ) and using it for everything, not just times when the child needs to calm down. The idea is it's an unpleasant thing to impose - child has to sit on boring chair in corner and is not allowed to play - and so they will think "Oh, I better not do X or I will have to go on the naughty step". Similar to any rigid punishment based system IMO, like smacking used to be used for everything. And I don't like the labelling of "naughty" but that is probably just me!

However one of my friends uses it with her 2 year old and it seems to work quite well for her and she is not constantly saying "you will have to go on the naughty chair" etc. Her DD reacts well to it and will come and apologise.

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 22:47

we have a bold corner, whcih can be anywhere I decide it is.It is the only thing that works with my headstrong 2,5 yr old, he hates the bold corner! But I don't use it all the time, just when he is getting out of hand and isn't listening.

YABU to "hate" a method you know nothing about. Sounds liek your mate doesn't know much about it either.

paisleyleaf · 13/03/2010 22:50

That's the thing - I think there might be a lot of people using it without knowing a lot about it.

Coldhands · 13/03/2010 22:50

"And I don't like the labelling of "naughty" but that is probably just me!"

Its not just you. I hate this. I say what my DS is doing is naughty but not that he is.

clemette · 13/03/2010 22:52

IME it has a limited window - between the age of three and four. Under three they don't get it, over four they often frankly don't care. Between these times it can work for a bit of time-out time for all involved.

DD (almost 5) has her own hissy fits but I just ask her to go to her room until she can behave nicely. DS (2) follows no instructions but can usually be distracted if he is "naughty". There are occasions, however, where DD will try to put DS in the "chill-out chair" (I think this is in Charlie and Lola...)

Four is a tough age (we are REALLY finding this) but if your friens is having to do this repeatedly, every day then it is not working and she needs to try something else.

fernie3 · 13/03/2010 22:52

ours sit on the stair. With my older daughter we used a reward chart which worked well but with my son (who is now 3.5) he just didnt get or didnt care about the concept of the reward chart but responds really well to the little set up we have now.
If she is using the naughty chair all the time she is overusing it but YABU to hate the method in general.

wonka · 13/03/2010 23:01

Runnybottom are you Irish?
Bold is a word I don't here much
We have a Naughty step. Works Fantastic. I decided with my quick temper I wasn't going to smack and I wen't to positive parenting classes. time out was the best dicipline method I learned but 'naughty' as a word to a child constantly is verfy negative!

piprabbit · 13/03/2010 23:04

Sounds like your friend really doesn't have much of an idea on how to use this approach.

The idea of time out is to give the child (and yourself ) a few minutes away from the argument to reflect on what has happened and why, to think of ways it could be handled differently in future and then to come out of time out ready to move on and leave the argument behind.

It is best not to refer to it as a naughty chair, or to repeatedly label the child as naughty. Go ahead and label the behaviour as naughty (as in 'it's naughty to take someone else's toy'), but don't say 'you are a naughty child'. The danger in labelling a child as naughty is that they will come to believe you and to give up on themselves, they will accept that they are a naughty child and may believe the naughty behaviour is outside their control to change and improve.

Time out should be used sparingly, as overuse lessens the impact for the child. Use other techniques to try and tackle the behaviour before using time out. Have a whole tool-box of techniques you can wield in different situations as an unexpected response can catch a child off guard and defuse the situation.

I'd really recommend reading something like 'Raising Happy Children' by Jan Stimpson and Jan Parker. It's got lots of ideas for handling challenging behaviour as well as explaining more about time out (if you choose to use it). Perhaps you could pass a copy along to your friend and hope she takes a hint?

Original poster

TheLeftFelanji · 13/03/2010 23:07

When I bring her ds round to mine to play with my ds, her ds is almost uncontrollable. We don't use this method in my home and he doesn't seem to understand anything! Maybe he needs it and ours just doesn't. But I've found there is no reasoning or bribing with him. None of these things work, so am I supposed to also be using the naughty chair method in my home for him?

OP posts:

thomsc · 13/03/2010 23:08

We have a 'fish mat' (a mat from Ikea). Works well for my 3.5 yr old and has done for a while now. But you must explain why, and you must follow through etc.

ItsGraceAgain · 13/03/2010 23:11

I guess it depends how you use it. Constant screaming, shoving & threatening isn't going to work, whether there's a chair or a step at the end of it. I thought the idea was to teach toddlers how to manage their own feelings, not as a punishment thing?

When I was little, schools still had the "dunce's chair". That practise has been stopped because it's not good to humiliate a child. Don't see how it's different if you do it at home.

Remotew · 13/03/2010 23:12

No I don't think the 'naughty step, or chair' works, neither do gold stars etc. Supernanny has a lot to answer for. The whole programme is edited for the best effect anyway.

It's entirely up to your friend how she dishes out punishments but it clearly is a battle so maybe time to change tact. Not great to go round and be in the middle of chaos.

wonka · 13/03/2010 23:13

There must be a greater consequence if they don't stay in that spot quietly.. like up to their room. I still use time out on my 7 year old with great sucess but we love sticker charts with prizes

CarmenSanDiego · 13/03/2010 23:15

YANBU. I hate that Supernanny uses this.

It's humiliating and on a par with wearing a dunce cap as far as I'm concerned.

Far more appropriate to talk to a child and work through consequences. Nothing against a 'timeout' if you're just using it to give a child and others involved in an incident some space to calm down and think for a moment, but I don't like punishment and humiliation.

The problem is, talking through consequences requires patience and thoughtfulness and this seems to be lacking in some of Supernanny's parents so perhaps the naughty chair is better than nothing?

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 23:19

It is nothing at all like wearing a dunces hat and being humiliated.

How the feck do you think a small child in his own home with noone watching is being humiliated and punished?

Patience and thoughtfulness and the rest of us can't manage that....perfect parent aren't you Carmen?

ouryve · 13/03/2010 23:21

DS1 gets to sit "in the corner" and I clarify that he is either "in time out" or needs to calm down. I will sometimes tell him that his behaviour is naughty (as opposed to him, innately) but more often that he is at risk of hurting someone or breaking something (or that he has hurt someone, if I catch him too late). I usually use it as a calming measure, since his is autistic with possible ADHD and becomes extremely wound up and either angry or manic. Going in the corner has an element of punishment for him, but mostly, it's effective because it stops a situation from escalating out of control.

We definitely don't overuse it, though. If he's tired and angry, he might end up there 2 or 3 times in pretty short succession, by which point we know we need to intervene to stop him from getting that far by changing activity or pace and tone with him. Other times, he'll not go there for a week unless he actually wants to retreat for a bit of peace and quiet. We prefer to try and be pro-active about preventing undesirable behaviour, anyhow, since it's all or nothing with him. Insisting he stop pacing and knocking everything over and sit down quietly with his megasketcher or a book is far more effective than having to deal with a crying DS2 because he's been pushed over and trampled on, if you know what I mean.

CarmenSanDiego · 13/03/2010 23:23

Nope, runny.

But I don't think you can teach patience or thoughtfulness in a 30 minute tv show.

wonka · 13/03/2010 23:23

I have never and will never humiliated my children. I am not the most perfect parent in the world but things are always eplained to them and I don't think having consequences for their behaviour is a bad /hard or wrong lesson!

paisleyleaf · 13/03/2010 23:23

Definitely humiliating when there are visitors - like in the OP's case and I've been a visitor to a couple of houses when they've been naughty stepping too.

Remotew · 13/03/2010 23:30

No supernanny when mine was little, watching it later and she makes it look so simple. A whole generation has been brought up on the concepts of these types of programmes and I don't think they work.

'Naughty mats, steps or chairs'. Or even time out where your parents withdrew their love and attention unless you conformed is not a good concept imo.

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 23:30

I can assure you that my child is not humiliated no matter how many people are around us.
Its a parenting tool like any other and works for many people, and they don't need to apologise to anyone for it.

wonka, yep, I am. You?

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