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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the whole 'Naughty Chair' method

166 replies

TheLeftFelanji · 13/03/2010 22:33

My friend uses this for her child (4). It just doesn't seem to work and the whole thing is so chaotic! She calls him 'naughty' ALL the time and drags him and threatens him all day. Do you want to sit on the Naughty Chair????!!! Ok, THAT'S IT!!! get on the Naughty chair!!!!!!

I am starting to feel really tense before I go round, it's a battleground. Can someone please explain if this works and how it's supposed to work and if you use this method? ....without me reading having to read a ton of toddler handbooks.

Much appreciated xx

OP posts:
Remotew · 13/03/2010 23:34

Absolutely agree that explaining things even if it's over and over again, teaching children right from wrong, giving them the attention they need are far better parenting tools than the stuff of reward/punishment, time out, naughty step etc.

ouryve · 13/03/2010 23:36

"Far more appropriate to talk to a child and work through consequences."

In my DS1's case, his receptive language pretty much goes out of the window when he is emotionally charged. The less talk, the better, since it simply inflames him. Try to reason with him when he's hyped up from doing something he shouldn't and you might as well be yelling in his ear and he'll probably scream back at you. I'm sure the same is true for a lot of neurotypical kids when they are in a stress situation, too. There's just too much going on in their heads for them to make any sense of you, too.

I've encountered plenty of adults who have so much steam coming out of their ears in or after a potentially confrontational situation that they can't hear reason and that's with the benefit of the relative emotional maturity that growing up confers on most people. I'm sure it's even harder for a lot of children.

paisleyleaf · 13/03/2010 23:38

TBH it's going to be humiliating anyway just getting told off in public. And perhaps embarrassing for the witnesses, however it's done. Naughty step or not.
It's not always in your own home with no one watching though.

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 23:41

If thats the only parenting tool you have abouteve, you've got a pretty empty bag.

I give up to fuck. MN judgey-knickers strike again. Howabout y'all worry about your own parenting and stop having so many opinions about the rest of us?

ItsGraceAgain · 13/03/2010 23:43

There seem to be two different concepts going on here - the naughty place as as punishment, and the timeout thing.

I used to carry melting-down toddlers to the landing, where they had been taught to do deep breathing and stay as long as they liked, if they needed to think about things. They weren't made to stay for any given time, and it wasn't a punishment - but I would carry them back there if they were still hysterical. A fish mat would have been a lot better, it could have come everywhere with us! (Sternly telling a child to "Go to the landing", when she's sitting in a supermarket trolley, seems odd somehow.)

For punishments I favour privilege withdrawal. Locking the Transformers up until next day might well lead to more landing time, but at least it's a measurable, finite consequence, and unlikely to lead to long-term phobias about chairs or whatever.

Since I rarely dare to post here on childcare issues, here's my final bit of (not-very-Super) Nanny wisdom: There is nothing wrong with shutting a screaming child in the spare room for an hour, if it saves your sanity!

Remotew · 13/03/2010 23:45

runny that's your opinion. I haven't done a bad job. Almost done now.

CarmenSanDiego · 13/03/2010 23:47

Ouryve, I agree with you. No point in talking when people are stressed and yelling. I don't think there's anything wrong with removing the child from a situation and giving them space to think and calm down. THEN talk.

My point about the naughty chair is the fact that it's not about calming down or thinking, it's LABELLED. It's a punishment. You are sitting on a 'naughty' chair. You have been 'naughty' and everyone who sees you sitting there is informed that you are there because you are 'naughty'. You honestly might as well stick a label on the child (or a dunce cap).

Time out fine. Naughty chair, not fine.

CarmenSanDiego · 13/03/2010 23:48

Parenting 'tools' are bollocks. Do you use 'tools' for every other social situation? No.

You just interact with people. Parenting tools are marketing drivel.

piprabbit · 13/03/2010 23:50

AIBU at it's divisive best.

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 23:52

"My point about the naughty chair is the fact that it's not about calming down or thinking, it's LABELLED. It's a punishment. "

IN YOUR OPINION. Not in my house it isn't. The behaviour may be labelled, the child is not. It is not a punishment.
But you've watched a lot of supernanny, so apparently you know best.

Fuck it, what do I care what any of ye think about my parenting?I'm going to bed.

CarmenSanDiego · 13/03/2010 23:59

Yup. I learned everything I know from Supernanny.

And I never get dressed without checking with Trinny and Susannah. Oh, and heaven forbid I don't have Gillian McKeith's Tasty Quinoa Treats as a bedtime snack.

Fruitysunshine · 14/03/2010 00:02

We don't have a naughty chair - I don't want my child labelled naughty in her own mind but we do have time out where she sits on a chair and is not allowed off until we have talked over the issue. That consists of me telling DD why I put her there, her apologising and then we have a nice hug.

It gets quite funny sometimes when she shouts out "I am calm now mummy, please come and get me down!"

BertieBotts · 14/03/2010 00:07

Yes the label thing was what I meant when I said it reminded me of the dunce cap/stool.

My mum used to make me go and sit on the stairs, but if we had visitors etc, they weren't standing around on the landing, so it was a good, neutral place to use. And it probably did used to help me calm down etc. I seem to remember her using it when me and my sister were fighting so it was probably more a separation/cooling off thing.

ouryve · 14/03/2010 00:14

I agree about the naughty chair/corner/step label, Carmen. I also don't like the word "tools" since, to me, it seems to make the child into something broken to fix. I think it's fair enough to talk about "techniques" and "strategies" since they're helping a child to understand that there are acceptable boundaries to behaviour and in some cases, they help to reinforce those boundaries when the child is having difficulty with either understanding them or being motivated to honour them.

DS1 has recently run off across car parks or roads a few times, which he hasn't even tried to do for about 18 months (he's 6). In the case of the car park, he didn't get his matchbox car that he gets for doing the supermarket trip without incident (there's been refurbishment going on at the supermarket, so has needed an incentive to remember to keep calm amidst the chaos and unpredictability and listen to us and not wander out of reach). He became very angry and aggressive about that, but we asked him to sit in his corner until he felt able to be calm and nice, again. Afterwards, he snuggled up to me for a while and we got on with our day. The road was a small back lane, near our house, so I held his hand the rest of the way home, which he hates. Today, we had a big, busy carpark to cross, so I reminded him of expectations and of the need to be safe before we left the building, kept reminding him all the way across and told him "well done, you did exactly what I needed you to do to get to the car safely." You can say I interacted with him, because I did, but I used various "strategies" to help prevent something becoming a dangerous and intractable behaviour pattern, as so easily happens with DS1.

BritFish · 14/03/2010 00:17

ohhh FFS why is everyone so scared of saying their kid is naughty/calling it the naughty step.
its not humiliation, its a PUNISHMENT for when a child does something WRONG.
which is what happens in REAL LIFE.
get a grip.
a label? really?

next thing youll be saying all exams should be abolished. after all, if your child fails an exam, that labels them a failure right?

get a grip. they are not breakable glass spiderwebs. their minds are not soft and full of rainclouds and all things wonderful. kids are a lot tougher than you lot seem to think, jeez.

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2010 00:21

Britfish do you mean like they are not china dolls???? OMG THE SHOCK!!!!

wonka · 14/03/2010 00:24

Awe I liked the spiderweb glass thingy!

Original poster
TheLeftFelanji · 14/03/2010 00:25

Oh dear this seems to be quite a divisive topic.

Myself, my sister gave me one book when I was pregnant. Buddhism for Mothers. It has really helped, but so does Beethoven or calling my sister for a moment of calm.... It's more or less how we were raised so wasn't too alien for me. Never watched Supernanny. Don't seem to have the time.

I think her ds is wired very differently to mine, so maybe he does need some clear boundaries. Could be just the age maybe. She is getting help at the pre-school and they've advised her to do this.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 14/03/2010 00:28

But why make them harder and tougher than they need to be Britfish?
Why not let your children know that you understand they have good days and bad days and that you love them but their behaviour is not acceptable in your home?

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2010 00:28

Wonka so did i!!!

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/03/2010 00:30

Its not making them tougher or harder than they need to be, society does that for us.

BritFish · 14/03/2010 00:35

oooh...i made a pretty glass spiderweb in my rant.
i think some parents here could benefit from
just watching other kids. kids that get back up when they fall over, not just sit and wait for mum to come get them,
kids that get nipped by dogs because theyve tried to hug them and squeeze them, and they ddont get rabies or get severe psychological issues.
kids that get teased at school and dont go off the rails and actually turn out sensitive to others feelings.
kids that when they do something wrong because there's no escaping it, sometimes...
....sometimes
....YOUR KIDS DO BAD THINGS. DELIBERATELY.
and they dont grow up into axe wielding maniacs if you tell them off for being a meanie.

i know right? this revelation may take a while to sink in....but i assure you, it happens.

oh and before i get jumped on from about six different directions.
some kids do have fears of dogs [but most dont]
and some kids get teased and end up horribly affected by it [but most dont. your child WILL get bullied in it's school lifetime. it's a sad fact. but most kids move on from this]

have i covered the flames?

piprabbit · 14/03/2010 00:36

Saying society is hard and tough, so let's punish our pre-schoolers rather than treat them with understanding, seems very sad.

Original poster
TheLeftFelanji · 14/03/2010 00:37

I don't like the word naughty. I always tell my ds that I don't like what he is doing. It makes me sad, and he usually stops doing whatever it was. (95% of the times I'd say)

Other times, I will try and come to some compromise with him.

OP posts:
runnybottom · 14/03/2010 00:41

Its called discipline. Its a good thing. Unless you want to "understand" an unruly wee shite of a child that has no concept of proper behaviour.