If I was your DIL, and I politely asked you not to phone on a Sunday, would you carry on phoning?

[ilovepiccolina]

FIL is retired, and gets bored. MIL goes to Mass, so he started ringing us a lot on a Sunday, and it started to really stress me out. I realise it's my problem, he doesn't understand why he shouldn't etc., but surely he should respect the request?

I like a nice quiet Sunday. Cut off from the world. I find the phone intrusive. Once he phoned four times, starting at 8.50am - 'What, it's nearly 9 o'clock and you're not up yet? What a waste of a day!' and then, later, when the dch were at Sunday School - a brilliant invention, a whole hour when DH and I could, er, reconnect . The phone is by the bed and DH would feel obliged to answer it: 'If it's a green bird it must be a greenfinch.' etc.

He would ring before lunch when I was cooking, when we were eating, when we were just about to go out for a walk. It got to the point where I had a sort of phobia and was dreading it. And I started turning the phone off but hated it, felt guilty, just in case there was an emergency, or the dch needed collecting, or whatever.

So, with DH's permission, I asked him, politely, if he could leave the phone calls until the evening, because we were always doing something, cooking, eating etc. He was v. surprised, but agreed. It was fine for a year or so, but now he rings every Sunday again. Last week - 12.30, I was cooking while listening to some beautiful music: 'It's been raining all morning. What's the weather like down where you are?Spoilt the mood.

He has other dch to ring ffs, or he can ring on Saturdays, weekdays. I've asked DH to ring him on Saturdays but often he CBA.

Am I weird? I don't want to make a big thing of this with DH in case he thinks I am. But should FIL respect my wishes? He can be nice but is also a bit of a bully. A power thing, do you think?

I'm with the OP- I can see nothing wrong at all with the reasonable request to not call until the evening on one day! I find it hard to believe that he is sitting weeping in his armchair; the OP has said he isn't some frail old dote but is simply a bit bored. When I'm bored I don't call people who have politely asked me not to call at that specific time.
And yes, the guilt trip is getting a bit much. I have people I miss too- it doesn't mean nobody is allowed to feel negative about somebody, ever, because they might DIE and then can NEVER CALL AGAIN!

No - MIL goes to Mass for a couple of hours. Somehow in that time he manages to ring the OP a lot . I think there is a slight exaggeration of the truth going on here...

Back to my earlier question - is Sunday School there to give you an hour or so to yourself? I thought you were supposed to actually go to church as a family, and then the kids all traipsed through to SS at some point...?

I'm sorry but I do apply it to other people's posts because it is 'if I'm in x situation you should do x because you could be in my situation' without understanding that people's relationship dynamics are different. I could quite easily say 'I would love my mum to be on the phone pestering me; therefore you should be grateful your FIL can...' but I won't because it would make someone feel bad based on my lovely relationship with my lovely mum and nothing to do with their frustrations with their own relative.

It is guilt trippy and I've been on both sides of it.

Well, please don't apply it to mine, or if you do, accept that you'd be incorrect in your interpretation.

Screamingeagle you are very wrong- my post is not 'guilt trippy' is my own personal feelings about 'having too much on/wanting peace and quiet' in the past only to wish i'd not been such a self centred arsehole who thought everyone else should fit into my plans of wanting a quiet Sunday

And tbh im a bit why it is such a major drama- answerphone or unplug the phone if it is such an inconvenience- dont see why you'd need to tell someone not to phone at all...

Can't believe the bashing OP has come in for on this thread.

Her request is really not unreasonable. Can't say I would enjoy spending my free time talking to someone I didn't like and who made it clear they didn't like me, and why should I? Why, in fact, should any of us?

And btw why does wanting to have some peaceful time to yourself make you a 'self centred arsehole'?

Well if you don't mean it to be guilt trippy then why even post it here - surely it's irrelevant to the OP as it's about your situation not hers.

And don't think I'm unsympathetic to your situation because I'm not but I don't see how it's in any way relevant.

Where does the OP say he phones 24/7? (eurgh, awful expression)

Agree with Red - put on the answerphone (or don't answer at all) and stop making such a song and dance about it.

And no-one's answered my question about Sunday Schol...

Plenty of posts on MN can be construed as not relevant to the OP - it's simply an expression of how I feel, and I'll post it, thank you! You interpret it as guilt trippy - your lookout.

Thanks to all of you; especially those of you who have backed me.

But I do admit I'm a bit controlling. I've been thinking about this all afternoon & have realised that a lot of it goes back to my childhood. My mother has some very odd ideas, says some weird things. She was VERY controlling when I was a child, still tries to be actually. So now I am determined not to be dictated to, and I suppose I go too far. There you go, the phone disturbance is a battle of wills I suppose between me & FIL.

Blimey, talk about therapy. Good old MN. In RL how much would you lot charge?

A few other thoughts: Maisie he rings when MIL is out, but also at other times when I'm not sure where she is, probably cooking/gardening. Re church, here they have Sunday School for an hour before Church. Most of the children who go to Sunday School don't have parents who go to Church. I go sometimes, DH doesn't.

Anyway, Desperate Housewives calls!

Screamingeagle sarcasm doesnt suit you- you suck at it!
And who called the OP an arsehole again im speaking from my own views- is that not allowed? Surely if you ask if you are being unreasonable you may shockingly be offered opinions you dont agree with?

Its relevant because when someone isnt here anymore you constantly analyse the way you treated them and you WISH you had been kinder- its better to know you have been there for people as much as you could have surely instead of getting het up over minor issues such as an akshewal relative ringing on a Sunday!

It's not my lookout is it because it's not me who feels guilty that my FIL could be dead soon, it's the OP?

As I said I've also lost someone (and others) that I wish I could not talk to. I still disagree that that is relevant to someone's problems with a relative that is still living.

I think I will bow out now. I don't want to be part of a two way slanging match it's just something that, like ScreminEagle, has frustrated me for a while.

It's perfectly reasonable to use an answerphone! What's the alternative - tell everyone you know that you don't want them to phone you on a Sunday? No, of course not - you either pick up or you don't. It's no biggie.

Wow - I've obviously gone to the wrong churches in my time. Children go the Sunday School and their parents stay at home? Not bad for a free creche...lucky you.

Leave the country or divorce him- or say you have changed your phone number and give him the number of the local Darby and Joan club- the possibilities are endless!

Bowing out now (you'll be glad to know ) - off to unplug the phone and go to bed

Night night

Sorry - should say 'I've lost someone I wish I could still talk to'. Anyway am off.

Maisie, I may be wrong but the OP is probably Catholic. My DH was brought up Catholic and the Sunday School service was at a different time from Mass, allowing the DC to go to Mass as well with their parents. My DH never went to Sunday School as he had to go to Mass - and that was the limit of his tolerance.

OP - YAstillNBU btw, especially if your FIL is doing it to wind you up because he's bored. I have another suggestion - you could play him at his own game - tell him in minute detail exactly what you are doing when he phones, walk around the house carrying on with whatever (except your "reconnecting" of course!) and tell him everything as you go - "I'm going down the stairs now, I'm going into the living room goodness the DC have left their toys out on the table again I'll have to clear those away can't leave them there.... etc, etc. Perhaps if you bore him enough he'll stop doing it, since he was only phoning you out of boredom in the first place.

You only asked him to call in evenings a year ago, fair enough I say. He has started calling all times of day so can see why you have had enough. Yanbu

I am back in a state of discombubulation.

It is really extreme to say "well at least you can speak to your FIL, I lost mine".

Its akin to someone posting on MN about a problem with their child and someone saying "well at least you have a child to have problems with, I can't have any".

Should we just not raise these issues in case someone else's situation is so much worse than our own? Granted it helps you put your own problem into perspective but surely the point of an advice forum is that you look at the situation in question, not comparing it to your own worse situation all the time.

Poo I can't even spell discombobulation today. I need to find a new word