If I was your DIL, and I politely asked you not to phone on a Sunday, would you carry on phoning?

[ilovepiccolina]

FIL is retired, and gets bored. MIL goes to Mass, so he started ringing us a lot on a Sunday, and it started to really stress me out. I realise it's my problem, he doesn't understand why he shouldn't etc., but surely he should respect the request?

I like a nice quiet Sunday. Cut off from the world. I find the phone intrusive. Once he phoned four times, starting at 8.50am - 'What, it's nearly 9 o'clock and you're not up yet? What a waste of a day!' and then, later, when the dch were at Sunday School - a brilliant invention, a whole hour when DH and I could, er, reconnect . The phone is by the bed and DH would feel obliged to answer it: 'If it's a green bird it must be a greenfinch.' etc.

He would ring before lunch when I was cooking, when we were eating, when we were just about to go out for a walk. It got to the point where I had a sort of phobia and was dreading it. And I started turning the phone off but hated it, felt guilty, just in case there was an emergency, or the dch needed collecting, or whatever.

So, with DH's permission, I asked him, politely, if he could leave the phone calls until the evening, because we were always doing something, cooking, eating etc. He was v. surprised, but agreed. It was fine for a year or so, but now he rings every Sunday again. Last week - 12.30, I was cooking while listening to some beautiful music: 'It's been raining all morning. What's the weather like down where you are?Spoilt the mood.

He has other dch to ring ffs, or he can ring on Saturdays, weekdays. I've asked DH to ring him on Saturdays but often he CBA.

Am I weird? I don't want to make a big thing of this with DH in case he thinks I am. But should FIL respect my wishes? He can be nice but is also a bit of a bully. A power thing, do you think?

it´s so easy to sort.

Disconnect phone, or just let your DH answer it on Sundays, if the call is for you I´m sure he´ll pass it on! Or get an answerphone.

I think that it is very odd to ask someone not to call on Sundays.

DH used to have a friend who was getting divorced and would party all night on Saturday (drugs, drink, girls), and before going to bed (around 7 in the morning) would call us to have a good cry or moan as "we would be up anyway due to kids".

We just got used to disconnecting the phone Saturday evening before going to sleep

That sorted it.

I'm not a phone fan, but would go for changing your phone to one with caller display and answerphone so you can ignore it if FIL and DH not in, or ask kids to phone mobile (not that ours works in the house) and turn off ringer on house phone.
I'll often just ignore the phone and let it go on answerphone if I'm not in the mood to speak. If it's kids you can easily phone them back.

Ermmmm I can kind of see your point....a little..my father does something really annoying, if he phones and I don't answer becuase I have not heard my mobile or am in the middle of something then he will just keep phoning non stop until I answer!!!!! It's annoying and sometimes I just can't be bothered to talk!!!!

Your FIL is probably bored or a bit lonely!?
I guess if it were me, I would leave it up to my husband to deal with.

Unplug the phone. I don't think you are being unreasonable btw.

stayfrosty, as you can tell by my posts "witty repartee" isn't exactly a strong point! But why such an attacking post?

Really? Needing to hear my voice? That many times a day? the record so far in a day is 28 times. (the record for my nan, her mum was 76 so it worries me that that is where we are heading. As it goes my dp works a long way away so i am alone a lot of the time with 4 young children my oldest is 6. I am coping (i think!) pretty well, I am keeping on top of most things.

But yes sometimes actually I would rather listen to my what my 2 yr old is trying to tell me than what my mum ate for dinner. We have just moved I'm up to my eyeballs. On average I see my mum 15 times a week anyway! Why ring me to say "i'm leaving the house now" " now i'm getting off the bus" "ive just rung your doorbell" ( i know, i was going to answer it when my phone rang!)Then after she leaves "we're nearly home now" (5 min journey) appreciate her yes I do, love her? yes she's lovely, just mother! QUIT WITH THE CONSTANT CALLS!

My phone truly is more demanding than another child and as others have said about a phoning watershed I have an ingrained "must answer the phone"! thing installed by my mother! She even answers the phone in my house! She can't bear the thought of it not being answered on the occasions that I do refuse! Without asking! but I think thats a whole other thread.

She rang twice while i typed this.

And if I don't answer the phone my mobile goes instantly...

Oh and when I chose not to answer my mobile one day she started ringing my friends to find out where I was....

I´m going to say YANBU.

I can´t see the problem with saying that your´re generally busy on a Sunday & please phone in the evening.

Kitkatqueen - I feel your pain, my mum does this too. In fact, she ahs been knwon to keep ringing until I answer, then says "Where were you". A reply of "out" doesn't suffice either. She is not as bad a SMIL who doesn't hang up if the phone isn't answered - 106 rings is her record. I just wonder how many rings she does when we aren't in

I don't see why it matters if you are being a bit unreasonable or not. everyone's allowed a little idiosyncratic preciousness i.m.o. Can't you just say 'I know this seems weird to you and it's not just you it's everyone, but we don't talk on the phone on Sundays'? And then get one of those phones that has call screening and will do different rings for different callers. Or change the ring to beautiful music so you welcome its ring and don't feel bad about not answering because it doesn't sound so insistant? Or give your FIL your DP's mobile number?

YABU - and hurtful. I feel sorry for your FIL, and although I can understand how annoying it must be, he sounds lonely and sad. A few phone calls is hardly being at his beck and call - get caller ID or an answerphone if you really can't bring yourself to bspeak to him.
How does your DH feel?

Thanks saltire 106 rings is very impressive! I suddenly don't feel quite so alone!

I hate the phone. I feel a little bit angry at the intrusion every tine it rings.

We hardly ever answer the phone, all calls you to answerphne and I call back at my convenience. (often getting their answer phone which is fine by me.)

texting is a great invention. Could you get your FIL to start doing that? That doesn't annoy me at all.

Actually he is a bit wrong if someone phoned me that many times i would want to lob the phone at the wall, fgs if you have kids its hard to juggle the phone and deal with them at the same time, a few times a week after the kids are in bed would be fine, and if someone woke me up early on a weekend if me and the kids were asleep still, i would go crazy, YANBU. You have your life too, and all of you that thinks she is maybe you should pass your numbers to the op, and he can phone you instead.

Not sure if anyone's mentioned this already but what I find difficult about certain senior family members is the routine they insist on keeping with phonecalls, and also visits.

I'm guessing you might not be so irritated if your FIL called on random days through the week?

My mum got into the habit of calling me on a Monday afternoon. I hadn't even realised she was getting into a routine with it until one monday I was out. Cue panicked phonecall later that day and mum saying "I was worried as I knew you would try to be in because we always talk on Mondays." What??

Now I always make sure I choose different days and times for phonecalls and visits, otherwise you get tied down to a particular day and they feel let down if you "cancel".

whaaaaaaaaaaat!
ive only read the first page of this thread.
you're all mad!
my mother asked me not to ring her on tuesdays unless in emergencies because she has a v. long stressful day on mondays and she wants a day to relax!
fair enough! il call her another day of the week!
the op says shed be happy to talk to him on saturdays.
what is wrong with all of you?
sometimes you dont want to have a long awkward conversation!

If it bothers you that much get an answer phone and screen the calls.

Thanks all. I'm glad there are a few YANBU's creeping in.
KitKatQueen you have my sympathies - this sounds horrendous. And you are right that it's the phone intruding on the quiet day by screaming 'Ring Ring!! ANSWER ME NOW!! is what gets me. Makes me jump sometimes. If I try to ignore it a child will answer it & hand it to me!

I did ask politely, saying that we're busy, and he knows he is ignoring the request. He wants to talk to DH but he wants to wind me up too - believe me when I say that winding people up and causing them annoyance is a fun pastime for him.

My FIL died last year. I wish he could phone us.

If you don't like your peace being shattered, do as others have suggested and get an answerphone or caller ID - and buy yourself some earplugs so you can get all the peace you want. It's not as if he's phoning you every 5 minutes - you're making a mountain out of a molehill, when there doesn't even need to be a molehill.

My Dad used to do this all the time, phoning every five minutes (well not literally) turning up all the time, he had a key at our old house, had some close calls. Sometimes he would come and just stand in the door, not sit down - just fucking stand there - i mean, didn't he realise i had a life of my own. He would just turn up and go on and on and on and on an fucking ON! It drove me mental i tell you - so i didnt answer the phone, didnt answer the door sometimes. Yep, it drove me nutty - maybe he was trying to wind me up??

Has anyone noticed the PAST TENSE in my post? My dad doesn't visit anymore and stand in the door way saying fuck all and generally being a pain in the bum. He never phones, he never comes to see DD and generally fuss over her and spoil her too much.

Can you guess why?

I shall tell you why - He is dead, he had alzheimers and was losing his mind, he didnt realise that he had only been round half an hour before. Thank god he is out of that hell now - but i can tell you, what wouldn't i give for my dad to phone me at stupid o clock on a Sunday morning - i wouldnt be so fucking precious and mean spirited about my "valuable time" i can promise you.

This is your partners FATHER in law, you have asked him not to ring, but he still does, talks about nothing - don't you have a heart? an inking of compassion? A functioning brain? Seriously - have you not even considered for one tiny minute that he might not be well??

oh maisie, crossed posts

LEM, I don't think your Dad was trying to wind you up.

OK, FIL - imagine someone clever, used to doing clever business deals, misses the cut & thrust, also likes testing people. DH does it too, sometimes - takes a particular viewpoint (not their own) and argues for it, just to enjoy the argument. Likes winding people up for the fun of it, as when I was watching the film.

Has he considered that I might not be well???

YANBU MIL does this and it drives me potty.

oh well of course, you are the most important person here after all are you not well then OP? You don't mention being unwell - if that indeed is the case then you have my sympanthies, if not.............