If I was your DIL, and I politely asked you not to phone on a Sunday, would you carry on phoning?

[ilovepiccolina]

FIL is retired, and gets bored. MIL goes to Mass, so he started ringing us a lot on a Sunday, and it started to really stress me out. I realise it's my problem, he doesn't understand why he shouldn't etc., but surely he should respect the request?

I like a nice quiet Sunday. Cut off from the world. I find the phone intrusive. Once he phoned four times, starting at 8.50am - 'What, it's nearly 9 o'clock and you're not up yet? What a waste of a day!' and then, later, when the dch were at Sunday School - a brilliant invention, a whole hour when DH and I could, er, reconnect . The phone is by the bed and DH would feel obliged to answer it: 'If it's a green bird it must be a greenfinch.' etc.

He would ring before lunch when I was cooking, when we were eating, when we were just about to go out for a walk. It got to the point where I had a sort of phobia and was dreading it. And I started turning the phone off but hated it, felt guilty, just in case there was an emergency, or the dch needed collecting, or whatever.

So, with DH's permission, I asked him, politely, if he could leave the phone calls until the evening, because we were always doing something, cooking, eating etc. He was v. surprised, but agreed. It was fine for a year or so, but now he rings every Sunday again. Last week - 12.30, I was cooking while listening to some beautiful music: 'It's been raining all morning. What's the weather like down where you are?Spoilt the mood.

He has other dch to ring ffs, or he can ring on Saturdays, weekdays. I've asked DH to ring him on Saturdays but often he CBA.

Am I weird? I don't want to make a big thing of this with DH in case he thinks I am. But should FIL respect my wishes? He can be nice but is also a bit of a bully. A power thing, do you think?

Your DH should call him on a Saturday instead or answer the phone on a Sunday. And if you're eating you should let the answerphone get it and call him back afterwards.

Haven't got Sunday school any more - they are more likely to be at friends/football. He's not ancient, and not 'lonely', but bored.

He rang two weeks ago at 5pm, when I'd had a lovely quiet day, and I had a long chat with him. I suppose he doesn't see the difference between then and 9am or lunchtime. But I have tried to explain.

Re: At his beck and call. You sound like you have issues with him, be honest you just don't like him and resent him.

get caller id or get one of those phones where you can get different ringtones for different people. then don't answer the phone. let your dh answer it or not if it's his dad on the line. if it's my mil I often don't pick up if dh isn't in the house, if he is in I just tell him it's his mum and leave it up to him if he answers or not. my parents make everyone start to leave a message on the answer phone before they pick up so they can screen callers

I can understand where you are coming from but instead of getting pissed off with your FIL I would strongly encourage your DH to phone him on a Saturday and if he doesn't be pissed off with him.

my nan rings many times a day - loads in a week

my father works from home.

My nan rings during work hours to talk to my dad.....

does he tell her to go away? no, he stops work and takes the call....

a call whilst washing up is no big deal. Music has a pause button.

Sorry, Lewisfan, but I don't think it's all that rude. After all, there was a convention many years ago, to not telephone people before a certain hour, or after a certain hour. The generation above me (60s) still adheres to this, and I wouldn't dream of telephoning them out-of-hours.

That convention was put in place for people's peace of mind and showed respect for others, and was an acknowledgement that telephone calls can be intrusive.

It's a shame that your "schedules" don't coincide, ilovepiccolina, but the evening call sounds a good idea.

You mentioned that: "I've asked DH to ring him on Saturdays but often he CBA."

It sounds as though that might be the way forward. If your DH, or you, could keep the Saturday date - perhaps alternating your "week" to ring him, you will feel better, he will be pleased, and importantly, he won't feel so lonely on Sundays that he has to telephone you about birds when you are "reconnecting"!

I'm going to say YANBU.

Not because of what you've written, which does sound a bit controlling, but because I feel exactly the same about my FIL, who I CANNOT STAND (DH can barely tolerate him either), yet you can bet if the phone rings before 9 on a Sunday morning it'll be him, and it won't even occur to him that a married couple, without kids (yet), one of whom has a long commute and early start every weekday morning, might be, er, a wee bit busy at that time of day.

Unplug the landline in the bedroom in the mornings. Don't answer it when eating/inconvenient. Have your mobiles on silent - if it's a friend/something important, they'll ring that no. instead. By my experience ILs don't trust mobiles!

Gosh, he sounds heartbreakingly lonely and like he just wants to connect with someone. Yes, your life is busy and so on. His sounds empty. I feel bad for him and think you should suck it up.

I'm going to agree with the OP. Sigh. Bane of my life.

Oh, dear. Sorry. I seem to have dawdled, and my post appeared right out of nothing. I thought I was second poster! Sorry for confusion.

I don't disagree with my own post, though.

OK yes, I have posted about him in the past, about his rudeness on the phone, funnily enough (another talk name). He never announces who he is, just says 'Is he in? and I have ot guess who's talking.

He is an ex-businessman and can give good advice. He has a sharp brain, is a 'man of the world'. He can also be very nasty. I have known him for 30 years. He has made me cry on occasion. Last time it was two Christmasses ago, I was watching a TV film on my own. DH & MIL were in the next room. FIL was bored. He sat right next to the TV, not looking at it, facing me. He made comments about how crap the film was, how anyone could watch it he couldn't possibly see. It didn't happen like that in real life, etc. etc. I said 'I just want to see how it ends' & stuff like that.

So yes, we do have a history. We don't like each other much, but usually manage to keep up a pretence. He is a PITA to his dch too, but they tell him to shut up. I can't do that, I would be too embarrassed.

WingedVictory, just seen your post - I was brought up like that and it's hard to shake off.

Something I should have said, MIL is usually there, so it's when she isn't that he decides to call. She must find him a PITA at times too I think.

I agree with StayFrosty.

My goodness. How few troubles you must have that you can find the time to get het up about this. Your poor FIL, and your poor DH that you want to lay down the law in this way.

still not sure why you are actually answering the phone?

FGS, get a grip.

And, as someone said, issue solved if your husband could as you so charmingly put it, be arsed to call his old dad/

Because when a phone rings... you answer it, no? In case it's something you need to know?

But maybe that's the answer.
Plan of action 1) Get DH to ring his parents at other times. 2) Learn to ignore phone if I don't feel like answering it.

ah that's where you're going wrong, no, when a phone rings, you look at the caller id and decide if you can be arsed answering it or not. doesn't everyone do that? obv not. well I can only recommend it as a solution to not talking to people on the phone that you'd rather not talk to

I never answer the phone.It's there for my convenience, not anyone else's.

I've got other troubles. Which is why I've gone back to this name for now. The reason I've posted this now is that it's acome to be an issue for me again. I was dealing with it. But it's getting too much again and I wanted to know if I was BU. Most of you think I am.

I'll try to take on board what you've said. I really don't want to be a bitter, lonely old bag a few years hence!

OP, I do sympathise. I also have a FIL who is retired and bored, and he phones us several times a week, mainly at inopportune times. If we don't pick up the landline, he will call both mobiles until he gets one of us. If we don't return the call within an hour, he'll call again. He doesn't live alone. He is just nosy and has nothing else to do (and makes no effort to find other things to do!).

DH has tried to indicate several times that FIL shouldn't call him during the day during the week because he is working--FIL still does it, for any old thing, not emergencies.

DH does phone his parents at least once a week if not more, so FIL is not hurting for contact! FIL can be quite controlling and interfering too, so much so that if anything happens (like our boiler going) we don't tell him straight away because he will phone us 800 times a day to ask questions, give opinions, tell us 'just one more thing I thought of', and 'have you got it sorted yet?'. Doesn't matter if you've already told him, he doesn't listen properly and will ask again anyway. Arrgggh.

So YANBU.

tbh, I don't see any problem with asking him to call later in the day. I would not appreciate being called on a Sunday morning at ten to nine (or any time before midday if it's my day off and only lie-in!) and wouldn't dare do it to anybody else unless it were an emergency.

As long as you're polite and just mention that you're busy during the day and ask that he calls a bit later on so that you have time for a proper chat, why is that rude?

As a side note, some phones don't have different ring tones, caller ID and the rest of it, if my [parents] house phone did I wouldn't end up hurtling downstairs at dangerous speeds just to chat to a salesman

Does he perhaps love you, his son and his grandchildren?
Do think you may feel differently when your childrens' father is trying to keep in touch?
What if the phone stopped ringing?
Is life not too short?
My Dad used to ring at the 'wrong time'
He's dead now.