If I was your DIL, and I politely asked you not to phone on a Sunday, would you carry on phoning?

[ilovepiccolina]

FIL is retired, and gets bored. MIL goes to Mass, so he started ringing us a lot on a Sunday, and it started to really stress me out. I realise it's my problem, he doesn't understand why he shouldn't etc., but surely he should respect the request?

I like a nice quiet Sunday. Cut off from the world. I find the phone intrusive. Once he phoned four times, starting at 8.50am - 'What, it's nearly 9 o'clock and you're not up yet? What a waste of a day!' and then, later, when the dch were at Sunday School - a brilliant invention, a whole hour when DH and I could, er, reconnect . The phone is by the bed and DH would feel obliged to answer it: 'If it's a green bird it must be a greenfinch.' etc.

He would ring before lunch when I was cooking, when we were eating, when we were just about to go out for a walk. It got to the point where I had a sort of phobia and was dreading it. And I started turning the phone off but hated it, felt guilty, just in case there was an emergency, or the dch needed collecting, or whatever.

So, with DH's permission, I asked him, politely, if he could leave the phone calls until the evening, because we were always doing something, cooking, eating etc. He was v. surprised, but agreed. It was fine for a year or so, but now he rings every Sunday again. Last week - 12.30, I was cooking while listening to some beautiful music: 'It's been raining all morning. What's the weather like down where you are?Spoilt the mood.

He has other dch to ring ffs, or he can ring on Saturdays, weekdays. I've asked DH to ring him on Saturdays but often he CBA.

Am I weird? I don't want to make a big thing of this with DH in case he thinks I am. But should FIL respect my wishes? He can be nice but is also a bit of a bully. A power thing, do you think?

OP-tell FIL that he must ring Sunday am-that´ll stop him!

Get a phone that shows the number calling. If it's FIL, and DH isn't picking up, press the answerphone button.

From your OP you sound quite self-absorbed about this matter.

Firstly, you complain that he rings while you're cooking/ eating/ listening to beautiful music. Do you think he does this deliberately - i.e. does he know exactly when you're engaged in one of these activities?

Secondly, though I agree that calling four times a day (unless I'm mistaken and that's not what he does) is excessive and intrusive, it sounds to me as though he might feel lonely/ at a loss - you said that he has no occupation. So it sounds as though he's reaching out in some way - surely that's the issue to address first?

Finally, you need to be a bit more grown up about how you respond to the phone. Either you take charge of your own behaviour and refuse to answer when it's inconvenient, or you answer it lovingly and graciously.

And, fwiw, as someone said earlier, if I were your FIL, I wouldn't call at the times you've asked me not to - I believe you only asked him to call on Sunday evenings, so that's not such a big problem IMO. However I think you'd have done better so say something like: 'We're always so busy on Sundays during the day but if you call in the evening we can give you our full attention'.

Or you could even have your DH call him first.

I accept, as I've said, that you all have made me think about things that I hadn't considered. Thank you.

Re the post above, I do have a medical condition that DH's family don't know about. But that isn't the point. It's not relevant to the phone calls.

Thanks all. Am off to work now.

Either
a) he is doing it deliberately to wind you up, which has worked and there's no point asking him not to ring if you feel he will just on principle to wind you up. In which case you can't control his behaviour only your own - stop stressing about it and just don't answer the phone or get caller ID (oh the joy of modern technology) as many many people have said; or
b) he is a bit bored and doesn't think it unreasonable to call on a Sunday in which case - stop stressing about it and just don't answer the phone or get caller ID (or more shockingly just answer the phone and pass the time of day with him for 10 mins [HINT most music contraptions have a pause button these days]).

YAB a bit U, but just a bit. I like a nice quiet weekend, too.

Screen calls? That way if FIL is shouting down some emergency into your answerphone you can quickly pick up and say you were just running in from the garden etc..

I also think you will have to screen calls.

But I still say I don´t think it´s unreasonable to ask someone not to call at a particular time as it isn´t convenient.

Just read op and it reminded me of something. My parents(abroad) have this fab thing, when they do not want to be disturbed they just type a code on there telephone and whoever caslls them gets a message saying something like "this BT customer does not wish to be disturbed at the moment" Maybe your phone provider has got soemthing similar?

Once they had their rest they just type the same code again and people can get throuh again, very simple and effective.

I am truly discombobulated by the hostility towards the OP on this thread

Some people clearly love to while their weekends away having a good chin wag on the phone with their PIL. But others clearly find it a bit much and try and impose a few limitations on the number of calls - is that really so bad?

DH and I work long hours during the week and weekends are sacrosanct, I completely empathise! Retired PIL have so much more time on their hands. It is just blardy bad manners to call people first thing on a sunday morning or last thing at night. We are victims of a "real time" generation where people are constantly accessible on phones, blackberries, email, effing facebook! We've got ourselves into a state where we can't just go off line for a bit.

Anyway its all been said on this thread - get your lazy DH to call his Dad or pick up the phone or don't answer it (easier said than done though). I love my PIL but if FIL had his way we would have numerous calls a day about whatever the fuck was on hs mind at that precise moment. Instead we discourage calls in the week (when we are too brain dead to do anything more than eat dinner when we get eventually home from work) and have a good catch up once a week instead. When I go on maternity leave in July its going to be a different story though

I love that word: discombobulated

so much so............

Sorry, OP, i may have been a bit harsh, but as you might understand, this is very sensitive for me - i do understand, but do be aware that there could be a problem there - inappropriate behaviour is one of the first symptoms of dementia. Maybe the person you should speak to is your MIL? I mean, lets face it, men usually obey their wives

Maybe I should change my name to YouKnowNothingoftheDiscombobulation?

OP do as people suggest. Emergency mobile number for the DCs and leave the phone off. MIL used to call us at 11pm every Sunday. Which was far too late as H went to work at 6am so we were always in bed. Asking her not to had no effect (she used to call all her children in order of age and call us last, even though we were the only ones with DCs and a bedtime). So we ended up turning off the ringer at 9. It wasn't long before she realised we wouldn't be available then.

Although she did start again after dd was born

FIL isn't thinking about disturbing your day, he's thinking about how much he would like to chat to you. Take it as a compliment and make sure you don't lose that special bond you seem to have with him. Maybe call him more often when it suits you.

I can understand where you are coming from because my PIL will call very early in the morning at the weekends, but they won't just phone the house phone. They will try the house phone, then DP's work mobile, DP's personal mobile and then if all else fails my mobile. If we are busy or can't be bothered to speak to them, we just ignore all phones.
We had 1571 put on the house phone so it only rings a few times before cutting off and keep our mobiles on silent in the morning. Simple.
I think it is rude to actually ask him not to call to be honest. It's much easier and less hurtful to ignore the phone then say you were out/in shower/on loo etc!

LEM love the new name.

Discombobulated is a great word. Sounds like somthing from Blackadder.

I got it from Stephen Fry, i think he said it once on QI so every time i hear it, it reminds me of him, and i have a slight inappropriate crush on him

sorry screaming - don't know what came over me, twas all the discombobulation.

I'm not guilt tripping, well not too much anyway - but its just that it seems a bit weird that the OPs FIL didn't take heed of her original request. If someone asked me not to call them i would be all huffy and probably never call them again .

Anyway.......its lovely weather today

I think PIL can be a bit overbearing and the fact that FIL didn't heed the polite request to give it a rest on Sundays suggests (if he isn't unwell or lonely) that he has a bit of an agenda. So I understand the OP feeling a bit discombobulated by his behaviour

yeah but screaming, i'm not exactly a paragon of reasonability!

I would imagine RA would put alot of emphasis on the Bob.

DiscomBOBulated

Yeah with red shiney lips

So this isn't really about phone calls but about your general bad relationship with FIL and your medical condition??

My mil phones me a lot and often at inconvenient times so I don't always answer but I do call back.

Having 2 DS's I am actuely aware of the difficulties of being a mil and really reading so many posts on here I dread the day my sons marry. I can't imagine being told by their partner that I wasn't allowed to speak to them on certain days. As another poster said I wouldn't phone on specified day but I would feel dreadfully hurt.

But I suspect this is much more to do with other stuff you've got going on.

But Traceybath, wouldn't you be more hurt by the fact that your DS "couldn't be arsed" to ring you himself? Its always the DIL who gets it in the neck. OP hasn't said that FIl can't speak to his DS, she is just saying that she resents being the one on the phone to FIL 4 times on a sunday! This wouldn't have happened if DH had called his Dad a bit more often or been the one to ask if he could not call on a Sunday. As it is, OP has done this and is fast being tarred with the controlling DIL brush. Seems a bit unfair.