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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that parents should not go on holiday without their little ones.

212 replies

Wolliw · 26/02/2010 13:32

I hear it again and again. "OH and I have a holiday booked six weeks after I'm due to give birth. Baby will be fine being passed around relatives."

It's a different kettle of fish when an older child loves spending a week with Grandma, but I often read about very young children being left with someone while their parents go on holiday. The underlying theme is that some people think they are entitled to dessert their small children in the same way as they get annual leave at work.

OP posts:
petisa · 27/02/2010 15:50

"dessert their small children.."

Sorry, but if you are a journalist, shouldn't your spelling be better?

If you're not a journalist, I also think you are exaggerating. Or jealous of someone. I'd looove a holiday away without dd...as much as I love her to bits, I haven't had a whole day away from her in nearly two years. But it would take a lot of flying from country to country to arrange a week with granny. No cash for it anyway.

Bink · 27/02/2010 15:58

The thing about grandparents who refuse etc. is that, well, in my view grandparents don't necessarily automatically have any duties or "child looking after responsibilities". Lovely if they choose to, but no obligation whatsoever. But I take it your view is different - and I am not concerned to try to change it. Just that it's not mine, and not a moral absolute.

LisaD1 · 27/02/2010 16:05

I've never heard of anyone leaving such a young baby while they went on holiday but even if I did I wouldn't care! So long as baby is well cared for it's the parents decision to make.

I have never been away without my youngest DD (2) and my parents have been literally begging to have her stay at their caravan in the summer, so this year she and DD1(10) are going to be packed off for a week while DH and I go to Italy, somewhere we both have wanted to go to for years, DD1 said she doesn't want to go and DD2 is too young for an opinion! So they will have a fantastic time being thoroughly spoilt by their grandparents and spending a great week with their cousins who will also be there.

Do I care if the OP or anybody else judges me? Nope, couldn't give a stuff, my children=my decision. I will of course miss my girls very, very much but I am lucky enough to be with them all day every day and it will do us all the world of good, not least me and DH to have some quality time alone. My parents raised 4 DC's, I'm pretty sure they're more than capable of having mine for a week.

batwoman79 · 27/02/2010 16:19

So my vocab was inflamatory? Well I was getting worked up by some of the responses to the OP. Some people were quite rude to them when all they wanted to know was if they WBU to think that parents should not go on holiday without their LO's. So yes I was rude back I know I was. I prob shouldnt have commented on this really, just wanted my say I suppose and to try to stick up for OP.

Of course grandparents dont have duties etc, but I got the impression that some people think they do. I dont in any way. As I said before it is my choice to have children so therefore it is my responibility. I said earlier something about leaving the children with grandparents and was shot down for it as though I said children are being dumped on them when the GP didnt want them. I then defended on what I was saying.

Basically the OP asked if parents should not go on holiday without their DC's and in answer to that I say no they shouldn't. Of course like everything there are a zillion (possibly a slight exageration there) varieties of their 'holiday' and you cant go into each one in detail we will be here for ever debating every single circumstance. But I dont think that the children should be palmed off on other people just cos the parents fancy going off for days on end. Life should change when DC's come along and parents should change also. Im afraid I believe when children come along you are a parent first and foremost. I think its sad when the parents would rather go away without their children.

These are my opinions and they are obviously different to the majority, but thats the great thing about opinions.

Vinomum · 27/02/2010 16:20

I opened this thread expecting to find a lot of support for the OP and I'm really glad to find I was wrong.

DH and I went on holiday to Mauritius when DS1 was 2.1. He stayed with GPs, who had paid for us to have the holiday. No bloody way were we missing out on a free 5 star holiday! We both work FT and totally deserved a good holiday. DS1 had a far better time with GPs than he would have done with us, and we got a week of quiet, lie-ins and relaxation, which I think in turn makes us better parents. So many people were judgy about it at the time though, but bollocks to them I say!

Where's OP gone btw?

Bonsoir · 27/02/2010 16:35

Bink is quite right to point out that, in the UK, grandparents do not have any responsibilities (or rights) towards grandchildren. So parents cannot expect grandparents to babysit or have GCs to stay while parents go away. Likewise, grandparents cannot expect to see their grandchildren without their parents being present. It is all up for negotiation.

However, in some other countries, of which France is one, grandparents do have rights and responsibilities towards their grandchildren.

Which all just goes to show that the rights and responsibilities of family members towards one another is entirely cultural - and since each extended family has its own cultural traditions too, it is immensely complicated to pronounce on the rights and wrongs of the circumstances in which children are left in the care of other family members.

None of this, however, changes my own opinion which is that we all learn a lot from doing our own thing from time to time, we all need a rest from one another and our routine and we are all likely to appreciate our family a bit more and less likely to take them for granted if we have a little holiday from one another from time to time!

WhoIsAsking · 27/02/2010 16:37

"I think its sad when the parents would rather go away without their children."

I think it's sad when people have children and then use those children to define themselves as people. I am a parent, but I'm still ME. I wouldn't leave a 6 week old baby, and have actually never been away from my children for longer than a weekend (unless we're including work hours - which we probably are) but I am fully aware that one day my children will be grown, and I will need to fashion a life for myself. I am a parent AND I am the whoisasking who I have always been. Whoisasking likes stuff other than cbeebies, baking and sticking shit to other shit.

The great thing about opinions is that they are like arseholes. I'll let you fill in the gaps as you're so clearly able to jump to conclusions.

Vinomum · 27/02/2010 16:40

Hear hear WhoisAsking!

Parent - yes, and love being one, most important thing in my life. But not the only thing. I'm not advocating leaving my children under the care of the postman while I bugger off to St Lucia but it is possible to find a good balance between being a parent and being a person in your own right.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 27/02/2010 17:14

at whoisasking 'sticking shit to other shit'

Pozzled · 27/02/2010 17:23

Agree wholeheartedly with whoisasking, and would like to add something as well. I am a parent, thoroughly love being a parent, but I am also a wife. And it's bloody hard to find quality time to spend with my DH at the moment. Which if I'm not careful will impact on DD. That's why my 18 month DD will be spending a weekend with her GP soon, and by the summer I will try to leave her for a little longer (3/4 days maybe?) with no guilt whatsoever. COuldn't care less whether anyone else thinks that makes me a bad parent, DH and I will decide what works for our family, it is noone else's business.

Bink · 27/02/2010 17:27

But it is Batwoman's prerogative to want to be devoted to her children - don't be mean ... The problem is just seeing a personal prerogative as an objectively applicable moral absolute. Not something easy to see your way out of if you're in it.

Anyway, Bonsoir, how fascinating about the grandparents in France - legally enforceable? And are the rights dependent on the responsibilities , or independent - so you can be as irresponsible as you like but you can still compel the visits?

meatntattypie · 27/02/2010 18:04

hmm, my sister is at this moment in time on a 3 week holiday in Mexico and has left her 6 year old daughter with my mother. This is the 3rd time she has done this since having dn.

Now initially when dn was 2/3 and she went off to spain to work for 5 months, i was a bit about it.
She couldnt stick it out and came back for dn after a few weeks.

I had an opinion in my head on her leaving her dd becuase I personally couldnt do it. BUT:

  1. she is a single parent, has my mum to give her a break (she & dn live with my mum)
  2. She saves up for 2 years + to go on holiday, she is very careful with money.
  3. her friend goes and asks her to go with her, she takes the opportunity
  4. She works very hard at her job and her role as a mother 24 hours a day.
  5. there is no doubt that she utterly utterly adores dn, her going on a holiday alone does not diminish that love 5)She doesnt want to take dn out of school
  6. She also goes on holiday with dn & mum.

She is taking an opportunity to see fabulous countries and she is doing stuff for herself.

I really struggle to critisize her tbh, although i still say that it isnt something that i could do.

petisa · 27/02/2010 19:11

I think it's sad that I can't get away from dd for a week few days before dc2 is born!

WhoIsAsking · 27/02/2010 19:20

Excuse me Blink, but I am devoted to my children and utterly resent the implication that because I don't find it repellent to leave one's children with someone else for a week, that I am therefore less devoted to my offspring than someone else.

Devotion is not, IMNSHO, defined by how much of a martyr to the "child as God" cause/mantra which appears to permeate every aspect of our society.

I am devoted to my children. I would die for them without hesitation. Part of my job as their mum is to prepare them for their lives WITHOUT ME, part of my job is to teach them that our home is a safe place to land, but that there is a world outside our home.

bluejeans · 27/02/2010 19:41

YABU

I left my 4 month old DD with DH so I could visit a friend for the weekend just before I went back to work - it definitely saved my sanity and made me feel I'd got a bit of 'me' back. They were both fine

Since then have twice left DD with DH for a week to go on holiday with friends (when she was 4 and 7)- don't think it did anyone any harm - happy mum = happy child

Have also left her with grandparents to go for weekends with DH and she loved it

Bink · 27/02/2010 20:43

Do you think I'm agreeing with Batwoman's position, WhoIsAsking? Because, er, I'm not.

WhoIsAsking · 27/02/2010 21:32

oh. I apologise, BINK not Blink

I got CROSS, and then I got....stupid. [grin}

sunnydelight · 28/02/2010 03:53

Oh smell that burning wood ........

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 28/02/2010 16:42

You see there are posters here asaying its neglectful etc as if doing it once means you will do it regularly

It doesn't mean that

We did it once for more than a weekend; am hoping I will never need another honeymoon so don't expect to repeat it. DS1 has no memory of it, he wastoo small.

I can't speak for anyone else but when DH and I get no break at all we bicker like anything and at times a constant work / no play schedule (we were working with back to back shifts for childcare) has threatened our usually stable marriage.

If a week away would solve that and we had the chance, far better IMO than destroying what we have.

AS it happens the opportunity is no longer witrh us as MIL has gone from our lives and DS3 and ds1 too needy to be left with any one person together, so thank goodness we grabbed it when we could. It may well not happen again.

PreachyPeachyRantsALot · 28/02/2010 16:46

It's also sadly funny that some on here thinks that equates to less of a bond and school think I am over protective for not letting ds1 go away with them due to his SN! It would be truly funny only it would seem the joke each time is landing on me

When my eldest two were babies maternity law was different; I had to be abck at 9 weeks for both. That broke my heart, I sobbed for days. Frankly, a week's honeymoon a few months after was nothing in comparison.

Luckily with ds3 and ds4 I've been able to be more home based (I sayy luckily, many on here will know why but it is a decided upside) and I have thoroughly enjoyed that. I am anything but a neglectful Mum, but I am not regretting that week either.

scottishmummy · 28/02/2010 16:55

we have been weekend away without the children.wonderful

sometimes we take an AL day whilst dc in nursery.wonderful oh and full time nursery with strangers neglecting them too

and not forgetting i meet my girl pals and go out without dp and the children.wonderful

i like time away from dp and children.i like adult me time

stick that in your pipe and smoke it

LeQueen · 28/02/2010 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolphin13 · 28/02/2010 18:55

Can't see the problem myself. 6 weeks is to young but surely if the children are older and enjoy being with the GPs. My husband and I are better parents because we sometimes take the time to concentrate on each other. To many marriages break down because the adults forget that they are important too. Happy mum and dad = happy children with a healthy attitude to adult relationships.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 28/02/2010 19:05

OP done the usual and buggered off I see !

Morloth · 28/02/2010 19:11

LOL at "neglectful" and "put upon". Looks at spoiled brat of son and thinks of the times when GPs have called to say they have a party and need DS for the weekend to show off.

It is hard being DS, I tell you, hard. PMSL

When we call DS when he is off visiting he is always far too busy to talk to us.