to think I will have whatever type of wedding, wherever I like!!

[lilylu22]

DP and I have begun discussing the details of our impending wedding.

We have decided we would like a private ceremony (just us and my sister, his brother). We would also like to hold the wedding in Australia where I am from. We would rent out a huge house for all DP's family to stay in for the week - and to hold our reception / party.

We fully understand many people may not want to travel all the way out, but we feel this is really what we'd like to do - and if we did otherwise we would regret it..

MIL is incensed. She truly believes DP 'wants' a church wedding (she is very religious) 'with everyone watching', despite his insistence he is in no way religious or wants that! Also, she has a fear of flying and says it is selfish of us to hold it out there. However, my parents and all my friends live there - and would be unlikely to want to travel to London for our wedding (whereas Australia at the beach seems an appealing destination to DP's guests!)...

Are we being unreasonable? I am truly unsure...

I'm also in the you are not really thinking about this deeply crowd.

I mean you didn't even consider having a party here first. I'd have a party here (send off), private ceremony (oz), party in Oz (welcome home).

Don't get the issue over parents not being comfortable at ceremony but invited to party. Surely THAT is just where the bust up will occur!

I had a church ceremony (important) and it was important that my family (various remarryings etc) were there. BUT I wanted my MUM to give me away, not my dad... I had explained why (big history) and he was happy to be part of the day... but refused to come to the reception. In fact various people stayed away from recetion due to famly conflicts, but made the effort to attend the ceremony because at least they were not expected to converse much there! (I received abuse from my father's partner about it, even tho she KNOWS some of the history... all water under the bridge now mind...). Seriously it was complicated, but in the end we made allowances, and every wanted the best for us.

Your mil will probably want the best for her child and you, but don't expect her to not be hurt. If it were me I'd probably grieve a bit.

A party in the UK would only be a going away party though-not really a celebration of a wedding that will take place.

Hmmmm! Well can't say I'm entirely convinced but this has given me a lot to think about...

Don't know where the comments about a wedding gift list came from?? Can't bare gift lists regardless of the occasion - I would never want / ask for gifts at my wedding - I don't see the motivation behind them, personally... But I guess that's just another way I differ from a lot of people....

It´s never really going to work though because you intend to marry in Australia & stay there. there really isn´t any thought for family & friends in UK imo.

Well we do have to live SOMEWHERE? We have lived here for the majority of the last 5 years so my friends and family may feel they've missed out somewhat too...

Will def discuss the options of having a celebration here first... but tbh I think there's no way MIL will want to miss our Australian plans, I think she just wanted us to want to do it here....

History/time will probably make a difference... after all is said and done you will look back and recall it was just a day. A very special one, but just one day. Particularly poignant to me as my anniversary is monday!! Honestly. I made a huge deal by choosing my mum to give me away, but it is what I wanted and felt most comfortable with. I did at least CONSIDER how my father felt, even tho he RARELY thought about me.

Actually we are all the same in many ways... essentially we ALL want our own way.

You say you LOVE your MIL, but you aren't placing yourself in her shoes at all.

Do it, but accept the fall out. I.e accept responsibility for the choices you make, even if that is to accept that you are being a bit unreasonable, but needs must. I did feel sad prior to my wedding (that I had hurt my father, that I had someone reduce me to a quivering wreck about that choice), but I accepted these as a consequence.

You just can't expect all people to be happy, so take any grievances on the chin.

Attenborough it will be a second marriage for me, we were planning a bigger do but it seems pointless as we are getting married for legal reasons. I would not invite everyone to watch me sign up for a mortgage and then throw a buffet afterwards. So I am not inviting everyone to watch another legal process. There is nothing suspicious.

Yes, your family have missed 5yrs of you.

Your partners family are going to miss his wedding & possibly grandchildren-just about the biggest things that happen!

OP - if I were your MIL I'd feel excluded on 2 counts and pretty hurt. First that I'm not allowed to go to the ceremony on my son and second that you're planning to do all of it on the other side of the planet where you know she can't travel to.

Crikey - I'm a Kiwi married to an Irishman (living in London), we got married in NZ - and I think you're being totally unreasonable!!

We went about our wedding very, very differently...

If the actual ceremony is a private thing just for you and your DP then why not just do it over here and then have a big party after to celebrate with all the British side of the family/friends?does it really matter where you say the vows? That way they can celebrate your wedding and say goodbye to you both as they are going to see very very little of you from now on.
Then have a big celebration in Australia too when you get there.
Your poor mil Its one thing to be excluded from your childs wedding (although if thats what they wanted then I would accept it) but another for them to be moving to the other side of the world to do it and then not come back.

What did you do 5Dollar?

If you are coming from different countries, you just can't win, I guess. We live in the UK, but had our wedding in my home country, Germany. Half of the guests would have had to travel either way, and we just made the call, being fully aware that some people just couldn't make it.

We were immensely chuffed about every single one who made it over (and most of them turned it into a mini-holiday - and I was proud to show my home country to family and friends.

It was ifficult enough already with such a short journey and I guess the other side of the globe makes it even harder.

I've no advice really but to stick to the wedding you want, but accept that a lot of people will not be able to come. Don't be angry or sad about it, it's a big ask.

Would it not be possible to have ceremony in UK,then a celebration, & then a celebration in Australia?

Well, it was DH's idea to get married there, since we live here and so my Dad (who's a widower) could give me away in our home town.

We told everyone we'd love them to come, but didn't expect any of them to come.

Once we knew people were coming...

We rented one house for our friends.

We rented another house for DH's parents and their friends.

We helped PILs book their flights to get best deals, good sop-overs, etc.

We specified strictly no gifts.

We had an open bar at the wedding, since we didn't want people putting their hands in their pockets after flying all that way.

We spent the first week of our honeymoon in a hired house by the beach with everyone who came.

In the end, nearly 30 people travelled to NZ for it - they had the holiday of the lifetime, as it was a massive gang of old friends, plus PILs, DH's aunts and uncles, PILs friends who are all great craic. Everyone still talks about it regularly, and the very last thing it did was alienate anyone.

You have to be so careful when you have a relationship with someone from the other side of the world - either one or the other's parents are going to miss out on an awful lot - and rubbing salt into the wound is pretty cruel in my book.

Good luck with your plans - I really would urge you to put yourself in DH's family's shoes - is your day really so important that your principles matter more than a life-long relationship with the people who raised your OH (and turned him into the person he is today)?

So you expect people to pay hundreds of pounds for flights, accommodation, fly for 24 hours for a 'party'? Are you real?

I wouldn't do it. I think it is selfish to ask people to travel all that way & exclude them from the ceremony, which is probably the part they really want to see!

My ILs came to the UK for our wedding, NO WAY would I have said that they couldn't come to the actual wedding!

IMO there is an obvious compromise, which is that your MIL attends the wedding, but it is held in Aus. Therefore, you are compromising about your wedding by having extra people attending, and your MIL will hopefully compromise by making the journey (perhaps she will be able to if she made it to South Africa). If she doesn't make the journey, then at least you can be happy that you tried to take her in consideration.

BTW am at all the people who think weddings are only about the people who are getting married. Displayuntilbestbefore hit the nail on the head IMO. When you get married, you are joining your partner's family, and they are joining yours.

When DH and I got married we stuck to our guns on some things that we thought were not unreasonable (e.g. the smaller numbers - MIL hit the roof!), but compromised on a number of other things (chose venue partly because of elderly gandmother and my disabled mother, and ensured that all those travelling a long way were invited to the wedding breakfast). I think this thoughtfulness was a positive start to our marriage. I really think it is worth a bit of thoughtfulness and compromise, otherwise your marriage will begin under a cloud of bad feeling and dis-harmony.

Is there some cultural confusion here?

As far as I know from Aussie friends, the party is far more important than the time with the registrar, but in the UK it seems the opposite applies....

I wonder, if coming from that angle, whether you could in effect have two weddings with the focus each culture finds more important at each ceremony?

I think you do need to go away and think about what everyone here has said, because if most people think YABU, you probably are... and I do too.
I feel sorry for your MIL, and even though you say most of your friends are young and single - going to the other side of the workd for just a party is a big expensive ask.
I think really you should consider other people in life, even on your wedding day.

i sort of know how you feel about the ceremony - i didn't really want any people at ours but the parents seem to feel really strongly about it.

it's only 15mins in the registry office, no dress, no flowers and if it's like any i've been to the guests aren't even going to be able to hear us say 'i do' but still my parents (who were already invited) were determined i had to invite my brother too and my DPs father is desperate to come which will be awkward as they have absolutely no relationship at all and DPs mum and step-dad who he never ever speaks to will be there. it's going to be horribly awkward but we've relented because it seems to mean so much to them.. i'm not looking foward to it at all but there you go.

at least we're getting the celebration we want afterwards - a weekend all together in a hostel with a big saturday lunch and ceilidh.. not everybody's cup of tea but it suits us and our friends most of our closer family members (just our parents who think it's odd)

So the 'private' vows thing is nonsense then - you just can't referee your parents in to a compromise so you exclude your dp's parents as well? Gosh that's really going to get your marriage off to a good start....

Look - if you want to get marrried in Australia then do so but invite all your parents and partners to the wedding and tell them it's important to you they behave. Anyone who doesn't will be asked to leave and needn't think they'll be seeing you again in a hurry.

Alternatively you could get married over here then have a party for friends and relations over there as part of your welcome to Australia for dp?

I don't subscribe to the notion that every bride is entitled to the wedding of her dreams blah blah. Life is about compromise, marriage is about compromise. Self sacrifice, generosity of spirit, just plain love are what will get you through the next 60 years so I suggest you think on a bit about how you want to start your married life. You won't please everybody but your mil carried your dp in her uterus, she gave birth to him, watched him grow up and live his life. She loves him more than she could describe and she deserves a bit of respect from you. Whatever you do, however you do it - just bloody invite her to the marriage!

"We would feel really uncomfortable with everyone watching us say our vows."

Why? Now that worries me a bit Marriage is a public commitment - that's the whole point. Why do you want to keep it secret? I would feel a bit second best if I was family and was not allowed to witness the most important part of the whole day.

As for your MIL, I guess that's a judgement call. She can't fly so by having it in Oz you are forcing her to exclude herself and you will have to deal with the consequences of that. I'd be cheesed off if I was her. But I can see that otherwise it would be hard for your family. Tough one.

Of course it's your wedding and you can do exactly what you want but don't be surprised if it distresses people.

"our closest siblings would miss out "

just as a matter of interest because of the way you have phrased that do you actually mean you have more than one sibling each but aren't inviting them either?

pagwatch: "Op this is all a bit inconsistent. - you said that if wedding was private then "our closest siblings would miss out..." - which you phrase as a very sad thing. So why is it not sad for your DPs mother to miss out?"

That's a bit I don't get either.
It's niggling me that this may be a wind up now, as it's like the OP is deliberately hellbent on upsetting her MIL no matter what.
I feel really sad for the DH's mum.

Your DP is so inconsiderate of his mother's feelings that I'd be wary about what kind of husband he will turn out to be.