to turn the hv away at the door yesterday?

[IwishIwasmoreorganised]

When she booked the appt for ds2's 18 month check for 11.30am I said yes, but did explain that ds2 had lunch about 12.00 and had his nap afterwards. She said that was fine. I also offered to go to clinic as that was what I had to do for ds1, but she said it was normal for them to visit us at home.

By 12.00 there was no sign of her so I rang her office where the clerk said she was out on her calls but she didn't know her mobile number and had no way of contacting her.
So when she turned up at 12.15pm (without a phone call to say she was running late and was it still ok) I explained that we were eating lunch (we'd not long started as had been waiting for her) then ds2 was going to bed as he was tired.

She was a little stroppy and said that she could not come out again but she had to do his developmental check and I would have to go to clinic to see her after baby clinic which I have agreed to.

AIBU to have turned her away yesterday? I think if she'd have rung to say she was running so late I could have given ds2 his lunch a little earlier and kept him up but as we had no idea if she was coming or not, I carried on as usual.

Tbh I think you left out alot in your OP.

Thanks for coming back OP. Like I posted earlier I thought there was hint that you had concerns and therefore wanted a 'proper' check without having to deal and try to talk over a tired, hungry DS2. I wouldn't have done it but YANBU.

I still think yabu. ds3 is having community nurse visits 3 x wek atm and we are given a 4hr time slot.

I have never given precise times because things happen. And its only one day out of your life .
Its not such a great deal in the grand scheme of things.

Tbh waitingforbedtime I think you're right!

I think I will have to post more in AIBU to practise getting my op's right

OP thanks for that, wish that you included that in your op as it does help a lot and does not make you sound quite as ocd like . As you did have an appointment in the afternoon, I think that in hindsight you were being reasonable, the HV was 45 mins late and this would have inconveninced you somewhat.

So nellie12, just because you are only given a 4 hour time slot I should be happy with the situation that we had yesterday?

Sorry, but I don't agree.

OP - I am probably one of the least routine driven people you will ever meet (my Dc have never had specific mealtimes, nap time bedtime etc, not for everyone I know but works for us) but notwithstanding I think YANBU.

We all understand that appointments don't run to time, but if the HV doesnt want to be turned away like a salesman (as someone put in earlier in the thread) then she should know to have her phone with her so she can let people know if she's running late. IME, if you are expecting someone and they advise you in advance they are running late (ie ringing 30 mins-an hour before the appointment, not 10 minutes after when its already entirely obvious they are late!)

The issue is not so much the OP's reasons for turning away the HV, but the lack of polite communication. And if the HV has too many home visits which cause her always to run late, then surely she should have encouraged the OP to make an appt at clinic instead? I find this insistence on home visits rather unnecessary!

Somewhat offtopic but I had a somewhat negative experience with DS2's health visitor which may slightly cloud my comments. The brief backstory is that we moved area when DS2 was just under a year, and for some reason although with a new GP, we weren't picked up by HV for over a year. HV then kept calling me constantly, effectively to bully me into a very belated 18 month check for DS2, telling me a) it HAD to take place at home and b) if i didnt agree, she would notify my GP etc . frankly after weeks of her shouting - literally - down the phone I gave in and took him, albeit most unwillingly.

The HV should have had the courtesy to advise of delay. You made it clear when appt was booked that you had to see her at that time and she wasn't there at given time. The reason for your agreed time doesn't matter. I think a lot of people here are anti-routine (if you were here for the GF fracas you'll know what I mean) and are turning this into a 'you are a mental OCD routine type woman' argument.

I know how annoying an overtired 18 mth old is and can completely understand why you wanted him in bed by a certain time.

YANBU.

"Mealtimes are important in this house, we try to eat together as much as possible and I don't feel that having it interrupted would have been particularly fair on either of our sons."
Mealtimes are so important to you that a health assessment (when you say you have concerns) is a intolerable interruption? To toddlers?

Precious much?

yabu, would have just let her in and got the assessment over with rather than now dragging it out that you will have to go another day to clinic. its only a one off, not as if she's asking to come around every week and get late each time
and i agree with the person a few page back from north london who mentioned that we don't get appointments here. my ds1 has never had any development check ever! even the 6 weeks one, which i think is pretty bad. ive had to really insist to get a 6 weeks for ds2 by the time he gets it he will b over 3 months!
you are lucky to be getting the appointments, so it does seem a bit much to refuse to let her in like you have done

The OP has come in for a hell of a lot of stick over this - most of it I feel unfair.

Some people like routine, its works for them, some don't. Just because one mum likes to put her child down for a nap at around the same time does not mean she has OCD or her child is going to develop OCD or be unable to adapt.

I would also have been pissed off if a HV was 45 mins late, mealtimes can be fraught at the best of times, the OP had already delayed lunch and the child was possibly fractious and tired and having a stranger there wouldn't have helped.

If I'm 45 mins late for a doctors appointment, I don;t get to see a doctor, hell if I'm 10 mins late I lose my appointment.

I don;t think the OP was being precious, rude, petty or inflexible. The HV should have appreciated that her lateness may be an issue, apologised and asked the OP to go to the clinic (which the OP originally offered to do any way!)

Hope your mind is put at ease when you do see the HV

YANBU. I'm amazed that so many people think that parents' time is so much less valuable than health professionals' time - it's not OK for the HV to be so late without ringing you to let you know, and the OP did try to get in touch with the HV. (And what are they on about - they 'don't know her mobile number' - eh??)

I don't understand why we're supposed to be so in awe of HVs and other professionals that we can't have an equal conversation with them along the lines of what would be mutually convenient, whether it's coming to the clinic or doing the appointment at home.

A tired/cranky child isn't best placed to do an assessment, or hang around for ages while its mother answers all the HV's questions - far better to reschedule the appointment for another time that suits you all better.

well, IWIWMO, I was a bit meh about your post until you came back with more stealthy information and then called this HV a health "professional"

what, exactly, is a health "professional" ??

you question her professionalism because she was running a bit late ???

shame on you

It does help to get the whole story right from the outset though. I still detect a certain smugness of tone (we appear to need instructing on the importance of mealtimes as we sit here occasionally throwing the crumbs of a Greggs sausage roll at our nearest and dearest)but the situation that emerges on page 9 sheds a slightly more reasonable light on the doorstep banishment of the HV.

Why are people still using pages?
I could never mn with pages..get yourself onto classic....

I've just gone and customised myself into classic but while the entry screen has a pageless look to it, the individual topics don't. So I am still being told I'm on page 9 of 9 (as I type).

odd..

maybe there's a 'no pages' option in customise.

I'm not the best person to ask as I switched back to old style the day of the changeover and haven't faffed since.

It does look odd if I browse without logging in though.

Pages..oh hell no.

Thread is too long to read but just going by the OP, are you my cousin? I didn't think there'd be many people on earth like her.

Oh and YABU.

I think the very nature of her job indicates that you need to be flexible wrt to timings.

She has other people/babies to visit as well as travelling time, so you need to think about traffic etc.

I think you need to realise that with babies, comes flexibility & that there will be times when you are going to take up more time & make practitioners late for their next patient etc.

YABU to expect her there, on the dot of 11.30. I also think that it was pointless telling her that your dc eats at 12, she cannot fit her day & patients around your dc alone!

Can you imagine it...

A new mum, possible PND, baby not feeding, not sleeping etc etc...

HV: "Can you hold a second while I faff around, looking for my next patient's phone number (which was probably in the folder, in the car, so not to confuse notes) and call her to say I will be late"

I am sure new mum would think that was just bloody marvellous! Probably been looking forward to talking to someone, getting some help, some attention....but OH NO, hv MUST call next patient instead of attending 100% to the people in front of her!

Ridiculous!

In any case, the talking about/observing OPs dc could have been done while he ate his lunch & the weighing etc done after, so he wouldn't have been off to bed much later.

"DS2 is 21 months already so we have been waiting a while for the 18 month check - and I do have some concerns about his speech - he still doesn't have any recognisable words, which is why I feel the check is needed"

Well then, more need to be a little flexible, surely? It wasn't purely the check, but some kind of feedback you wanted over your dcs speech. I would have thought you would have welcomed the visit, time regardless?

"it would be around 1.5 hours later than normal nap time"

How? The OP dc eats at 12. Say bedtime is 12.30.

HV there at 12.15. Does some of the chatting while dc eating, then practical parts after. Baby down for nap at 1 latest? That is not over an hour later than normall!

OP i am pretty sure dd1 had no recognisable words at 21 months. her speech didn't really take off till she was over 3. my hv found my let's wait and see attitude at her 2 year check (also about potty training and sleeping through) rather refreshing.

I do think you sound quite uptight, Iwish.