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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to turn the hv away at the door yesterday?

257 replies

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 16/02/2010 13:25

When she booked the appt for ds2's 18 month check for 11.30am I said yes, but did explain that ds2 had lunch about 12.00 and had his nap afterwards. She said that was fine. I also offered to go to clinic as that was what I had to do for ds1, but she said it was normal for them to visit us at home.

By 12.00 there was no sign of her so I rang her office where the clerk said she was out on her calls but she didn't know her mobile number and had no way of contacting her.
So when she turned up at 12.15pm (without a phone call to say she was running late and was it still ok) I explained that we were eating lunch (we'd not long started as had been waiting for her) then ds2 was going to bed as he was tired.

She was a little stroppy and said that she could not come out again but she had to do his developmental check and I would have to go to clinic to see her after baby clinic which I have agreed to.

AIBU to have turned her away yesterday? I think if she'd have rung to say she was running so late I could have given ds2 his lunch a little earlier and kept him up but as we had no idea if she was coming or not, I carried on as usual.

OP posts:
waitingforbedtime · 16/02/2010 14:00

I just wouldnt have started lunch until at least 1230 tbh and then let her in when she came but let him finish his lunch that he had. Babies cant tell the time, they dont know if theyre 5 minutes late for their sleep.

SO YADBU and a little uptight.

SilveryMoon · 16/02/2010 14:01

I wouldn't have turned her away, although it does annoy me when they're late.
If ds2 was already asleep I'd have told her I didn't really want to wake him, but only if I was going to nap as well or else I'd wake him iyswim.
If she'd turned up hours late I may have told her to do one, but not in the mentioned situation, no, so I think YABU

WeddingDaze · 16/02/2010 14:07

Far worse for OP to have let the HV in and asess a grumpy tired baby who wouldn't perform, to have HV freak OP out by insisting that there was something wrong with said baby.

BratleyBackToNormal · 16/02/2010 14:07

She should have called and let you know she was going to be late but....
Couldn't she have done it while you were eating lunch?
Our 18month check was just an informal chat in the living room, the HV just watched DS playing, chatted with me about his progress and then interacted with DS a bit and then said 'great, he's doing well, nothing to worry about'
Don't see why you couldn't have let her join you at the table and then given her an extra 10minutes with DS and then let him have a nap?

You've wasted time waiting around for her but are going to have to plan to see her again now, in a clinic thats unfamiliar to your DS so he won't be the same as he would be in his own home.
I don't know about where you are but our baby clinics are late morning and finish about midday, if yours are similar you'll be having the checks around your DS's lunchtime anyway...?

Would have just let her in and got it out of the way if it was me!

But she was BU by not calling you!

OtterInaSkoda · 16/02/2010 14:08

OP I feel you've cut off your nose to spite your face somewhat. You're going to have to traipse to the surgery (assuming you actually want the 18mth check that is). I'd say delaying a nap slightly would've been slightly less disruptive.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 16/02/2010 14:10

Also, at least in our area, be aware this will be a 'red flag' on your notes.

Turning a HV away for a prearranged appointment is seen as odd behaviour. Maybe not fair but they do have to keep tabs.

ConnorTraceptive · 16/02/2010 14:14

YABU and awkward for the sake of being awkward really (sorry!) routines are fine but at 18 motnths a bit of flexibility won't hurt. I mean the world isn't going to end for the sake of 45 minutes is it?

Vallhala · 16/02/2010 14:15

Devil, are you serious? (Genuine amazement).

I ask as my reaction to HVs was no thank you, my child is fine. If and when I have any concerns I'll consult my GP. Jeez, going on what you've said, my whole file must have been positively scarlet!

ConnorTraceptive · 16/02/2010 14:16

Actually re-reading your OP this isn't really anything to do with a routine as you say yourself that you could have kept your ds up had she rung and let you know. This is because she didn't call you to say she was running late. So you are def BU and very petty

edam · 16/02/2010 14:19

Thing is, people like HVs and nurses who work in the community, or a doc on house calls, cannot guarantee they will be somewhere on the dot of whatever. It's the nature of the job - some previous clients may take more time than you had anticipated. Although it would have been good if she had called you to explain this.

My sister's a community nurse (in a different field) and has to hide her mobile in her bra when visiting people at home as some of them may become aggressive. So not always easy for her to call ahead if she then has to jump in the car and rush to the next appointment. Unless you want nurses to use mobiles while driving...

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 16/02/2010 14:21

prearranged yes - you are very within your right to ask for no further contact with a health visitor, however if you engage, then 'disengage' they will mark it as a red flag.

elmofan · 16/02/2010 14:21

yabu - life does not always go to plan unfortunately - at you turning her away tbh

Bramshott · 16/02/2010 14:24

Unreasonable? No. Rude? Yes

bubblagirl · 16/02/2010 14:26

i think YABVU she may have been with another parent who had real concerns over there child's well being and stayed longer to do her job she wasn't that late and routine being tweaked slightly doesn't hurt at all i think that was rather childish in all honesty she has to see other parents who may have real problems with children she wasn't hours late and you were at home regardless' does it really make any difference to change routine or have her ask questions while lunch is going ahead you haven't made a point to her as she may well have been on an important call before hand which has run over time she has to travel between houses you have just made yourself look petty in all honesty

skidoodle · 16/02/2010 14:30

"Turning a HV away for a prearranged appointment is seen as odd behaviour. Maybe not fair but they do have to keep tabs."

they have to keep tabs on "odd behaviour"?

holy fucking shit

Fayrazzled · 16/02/2010 14:32

As other posters have said, I think you were unreasonable to turn the HV away. She should have let you know she was running late, but perhaps her phone was out of battery that day and she didn't want to stop to make herself any later. Our HVs are very upfront about the fact that may not always be on time to appointments because of the unpredictable nature of their jobs.

TBH, I think HVs could have a much more important role in child protection. I don't have a problem at all with mine coming to see the house for developmental checks and to see the children. If HVs were better utilised perhaps we wouldn't have so many scandalous cases of children abused at home and then much head shaking and head-wringing about the fact no professionals were involved with the family. Even if it means good parents have to have their privacy invaded a few times in their child's life, and perhaps a little inconvenience in their child's daily routine, I'd be happy for HV home visits to be compulsory. (This does of course, assume your HV is not a complete numpty- which some do appear to be- luckily, mine have been fab). But the HV service needs a lot more money throwing at it- they're woefully under-resourced.

FreakyStalker · 16/02/2010 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FreakyStalker · 16/02/2010 14:37

shit shit shit

Just outed myself for something.

Can someone report my post please?

Sproggle · 16/02/2010 14:37

I also think you need to remember that when the HV looked in her diary this morning she probably didn't remember your conversation when the appt was booked and think "now, I'd better not be late for iwishiwasmoreorganised's DS2 because he has lunch at 12 then a nap straight after."

I'm surprised you expected her to be so on time - anything to within an hour late is perfectly normal for the NHS in my lengthy experience.

In an ideal world all HV's would be on time, as would all Dr's, all operations etc etc. But we live in the real world and dear me it was only a nap, it's not like you were rushing to another appointment!

SloanyPony · 16/02/2010 14:41

Yes, YABU.

ilovemydogandmrobama · 16/02/2010 14:42

You can report a post yourself.

leavingonajetplane · 16/02/2010 14:44

No I dont think you were being unreasonable. You had offered to come to the Clinic in the first place. I do not enjoy home vists. Our HV likes to do unannounced spontaneous visits. This is her "way of working."

DS has autism and can in no way cope with a sudden arrival of a visitor, disrupting everything. I have explained this, and actually spelled out to her "This is a really bad time" and in she comes anyway and sits down to "watch" him. Watches him going beserk as he cant handle that, in fact.

Then off she goes and Im left to deal with the fallout. For hours. Wish I had the guts to turn her away. Unfortunately in our area doing so would prompt a call from her to DS social worker automatically. Being disabled, he has a lifelong parade of obligitory social workers. There has never been the least concern about his care, and yet the amount of paople who feel it its ok to invite themselves into our home, his safe space, because of his disability, is beyond belief.

They are generally so busy assuring me its no trouble for them to do a home visit that they pay no attention to me repeating that it would be far easier for us to come to their clinic. Drives me insane

PandaEis · 16/02/2010 14:46

i think YANBU TBH!

the HV was 45 minutes late with no phone call to advise of lateness! also the iwish states clearly in the OP that she offered to go to the clinic for the appointment which the HV turned down. she doesnt sound inflexible to me IMHO she sticks to a routine for HER child. there is nothing wrong with that at all.

i stuck quite closely to a routine when my DD was little as i can be quite forgetful and a routine helps with that. does that make me inflexible just because i put my DD to nap at 130pm, no earlier/later? i think not TBH

the HV is providing a service which SHE insisted on doing as a house call. the OP advised her of her routine and the HV paid no attention and turned up 45mins late. my HV liked to spend over an hour doing her checks so if she had been late she would have thrown our particular routine out of the window and caused much upset/tantrumming from my DD, literally disrupting our ENTIRE sleep/feed routine for the rest of the day and over night aswell.

i probably would have told her to come another time or not at all if she had suggested a time so close to the dinner/nap time but if she insisted on the time than she should try her best to stick to appointments made (not withstanding emergencies etc) or at least have the courtesy to call the OP and discuss her lateness/appointments ran over etc

jaquelinehyde · 16/02/2010 14:46

YANBU

I would have turned her away for running 45 mins late.

If you can't be certain of the time you will arrive then give approximate times, or leave longer between appointments.

It is very unreasonable of them not to be able to contact the HV whilst she is out doing her rounds, and for that reason alone she deserved to be turned away.

You offered to go to the clinic originally, I don't understand why they would not have allowed that in the first place.

posieparker · 16/02/2010 14:46

I think you're incredibly precious. There's nothing wrong with your ds going to bed a few minutes late and HV's a very very stretched and under funded. Perhaps she was having a longer appointment with a parent of an SN child, or a woman with PND or a child at risk of abuse.....

[shakes head in disbelief at the self importance of it all]