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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..but your sister has such a hard time, you have DP to help you

136 replies

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 00:04

[sigh]

Sister is a single mum, one DS.
I am a Mum with one DS, but I have DP.

She is on her own, I am not.

She has recently gone on holiday for 3 days (her old friend is cabin crew, they got a good deal).
Mum looked after her DS as she's always on her own.

My DP works ALL THE TIME. 3 days a week he gets home just as or after DS has gone to bed. Yes, he is there, yes, i get the occasional lie-in, but generally it's all down to me.

Was recently ill. Had to look after DS by myself, as any other Mum does.

Sister rings our Mum when she's ill because she can't cope.

I know I'm being unreasonable.. but she's just had a holiday that we can't afford/couldn't take due to work and Mum has taken care of her. I know i'm just being jea;lous.. gah, it just sucks.

OP posts:
heQet · 08/02/2010 00:14

I know. but it is a bit different - you do have someone there - I know he works all hours, but you do get the odd lie-in! and don't underestimate how different it is to have no partner - nobody to talk about the kids with, to listen to you, to cuddle up with, and to know that day in, day out, it is you and only you, no matter what.

Talk to your mum, tell her how you feel.

Or maybe just invite her to go into town with you and have a coffee. without asking any favour of her, just spend time with her. and talk about it then.

Monty100 · 08/02/2010 00:17

Pure - YABVU I think on balance your dsis has a much harder life than you and you def should not begrudge her some respite.

EcoMouse · 08/02/2010 01:33

You know you're B a little U, you said so yourself

Getting it off your chest here isn't hurting anyone though. It's ok to feel slighted by injustice sometimes!

If your DM is opposed to babysitting per se, have you tried offering your DC to her for them to share some quality time together? I found this tactic could work wonders

pinkyp · 08/02/2010 01:45

i understand where ur coming from, but ur sis is prob jealous of u when she is looking after her dc and has no one to help on day to day. Ur mum will obv help her more as ur mum might have her dc for a day,where as you will only get the odd hour or occasional lie-in rather than a full days of rest etc. Is it ur sisters single life ur a bit envious of too? I'm not saying ur not happy with ur dh just it'd be nice to go on hol with mates etc like her.

maristella · 08/02/2010 09:06

sounds like you begrudge her having a holiday! being a single parent does not mean you can't have a holiday...
fwiw some of us work all the hours we can and do everything for our dc's and around the house, it's tiring!

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 09:07

I did say I was BU... I'm just venting really.

OP posts:
weegiemum · 08/02/2010 09:18

Its ok to vent though - sometimes better to say it on here than in RL.

Neither my BIL or SIL work (they earned a lot of money a few years ago and are living on their savings) yet Mil and SIL's mum look after their boys for them almost every day, sometimes all day. My dh works FT and I am a student, and we get no help - cos we live hundreds of miles away!

The pay off - I don't have to live round the corner from Mil and have her tell me how to bring up my kids, which is SILs constant complaint!

If you need your mum to help sometimes, why not ask? We do occasionally ask Mil if she could come for a weekend so we can go away or have a night out and she loves to be asked - but doesn't often volunteer as she doesn't want to be in the way (and yes, thats all very passive-aggressive but we just ignore it!)

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 09:25

I don't begrudge her a break, of course I don't.

I know I'll get loads of people saying 'I haven't had a night off in 15 years'.

I know I should ask more... I just don't feel I can when Mum has DNephew quite a lot.

OP posts:
weegiemum · 08/02/2010 09:32

Could your Mum have both the boys at the same time ever? My MIL looks after either my 2 dnephews on her own or my 3 dcs on her own. She's retired but fit and the longest she had them was 5 nights!

Maybe it would be nice for the cousins to get some "granny time" together, if she was capable of managing it (I know some grandparents just aren't able).

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 09:43

The only time she's had both boys together is when I've been there as well. I don't think she could/would want to cope with both of them at the same time.

I can't quite put my finger on what's bothering me about all this. I think it's that Mum is ready to step in at a moments notice with my sister, but much less so with me. Simple sibling rivalry maybe. I just remember a week last year where I was really ill and asked her to come and help me, and she wouldn't.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 08/02/2010 09:46

A DP who works long hours is not the same as being a single parent at all.

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 09:47

I know that SoupDragon.

OP posts:
chocolaterabbit · 08/02/2010 09:48

Just read your last post and think that makes a bit of a difference. If your mum is offering help to your DSis when ill and refusing the same help to you, it is not surprising that you feel a little irritated so vent away.

gingernutlover · 08/02/2010 09:51

YANBU - but that is unlikely to help you

it seems that your sister has a genuine need for help, and so she gets it, thats fair enough

but from what you say about when you were ill etc it seems you dont get help when you genuinely need it. This is unfair, just because your circumstances are different it doesnt mean you dont need help ever!

dd was born 3 weeks after her cousin and the PIL had him to stay every weekend until he was about 2 - so dh's step brother and his girlfreind could still go out to parties etc. PIL have had dd about 3 times in her entire life, and even then they have had her for the bare minimum hours. Families are like that, and I realsied it is them who are losing out on spending time with dd, they have also lost our respect as they like to tell us everything we do is wrong but are not really willing to help.

TheButterflyEffect · 08/02/2010 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gingernutlover · 08/02/2010 09:54

soupdragon, no its not the same

but when you have flu and your dh is out of the house 12 hours plus everyday then surely you need help just as much as someone who doesnt have a dh since you still have to do the entire day with the children by yourself. Just because you can tell your dh how hard it was when he comes in, doesnt make it any easier does it? That might aound a bit bitter but we have had periods when dh worked 6am to 7pm 6 days a week and doesnt see dd at all, that is no fun at all when you are ill.

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/02/2010 09:56

If you are really ill and unable to look after your children on your own then perhaps your mother thinks your dh should take a day off work and look after you?

If I am lucky enough to be a grandma one day I hope I will be allowed to be hands on and look after my dc occasionally and see them often, but I will not be helping out when there is general infectious illness in the house. Been there, done that, and wouldn't want to go down with anything nasty myself .

Perhaps your mother feels with your sis that she has no choice but to help out, but you have a first port of call (your dh) and why should she step in where he is failing to fulfil his parental/spousal obligations?

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 10:15

bibbity - yes, that's exactly it. Trouble is DP doesn't even take time off when he is ill unless he's literally at deaths door.

gingernut - yeah, that's what i was trying to say. Of course DP can get up with DS if he wakes in the night when I'm ill, but yes - it's the 12-14 hour day, with a bored toddler and unable to leave the house, Cbeebies on for faaar too long

waaa.. was just feeling sorry for myself, don't want to start any rows!!

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 08/02/2010 10:20

Get cross with your dh, not your ma .

My dh is very reluctant to take any time off if I am ill (he is freelance, so taking a day off lets his clients down at short notice, and costs us as a family a fair chunk of money too) so I have only insisted he take a day off twice in 9 years. Once when I had a particularly nasty stomach thing and once when our ds was in hospital.

So I sympathise! But I also see your mum's pov too.

Cloudbase · 08/02/2010 10:21

Understand how you feel, and YANBU at all.

Your Mum probably does perhaps feel obligated to help your sister as she is a single parent, and maybe does see you as your DH's 'responsibility' (although from experience I know that having a DH is no guarantee of help or support!).

The thing with being on your own is that there is no-one to 'take over' when you reach breaking point, or during the night. If, like me, you have bad sleepers, you can end up crashing every 4 or 5 months and coming down with bugs and nasties because you become so run down. (not saying this is true of everyone or that it diminishes how you feel btw)

If you can, I would honestly talk to your mum - she may have no idea how you feel about the situation, or be aware that you would like her support. She may also be delighted to have the chance to spend more time with your DS?

If she does think that your DH should be stepping into the breach all the time, it would also be worth explaining that it is not always possible for him to do so - also that you would like her to spend more quality time with her grandson. Even if you are there with her, it should still allow you a small break and time to do a few bits and pieces, or just take off some of the strain.

The other option is to suggest that your sister and mum take both kids together for the day/a few hours. It would give you a break and give them a chance to spend time with both grandchildren/nephew and the cousins to play together.

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 10:30

I'm not cross with my ma, or DP .. but you're right. why should she come and help me when I have DP to do it. He hasn't got the kind of job that he can easily take time off from, but he is there.. If I was really ill then yes, of course he would take the day off.

and yes, that will be how my Mum feels (quite rightly). DP is supportive, and they know this, so they probably don't realise that we need help sometimes too. I had PND with DS (which my Mum doesn't really believe in ), but never felt I could ask for help from her.

OP posts:
GingaNinja · 08/02/2010 11:24

YANBU [stands back from flames]

I'm in similar situation - I may have DH but he was working 15+ hr days, 7 days a week when DD was born and since Oct has been working away from home (he's in construction so if he doesn't do this then the implicit threat is that P45 will be in the post).

But I know exactly what you mean - although in theory you are married/shacked up with DP, in practice you're a single parent. I've had no help or supportor - god forbid!- time away from her in the last 36 weeks since DD was born (DH got 2 unpaid days off after the birth) and she has been a challenging child, bad sleeping etc and never mind the hell on wheels of when she's been ill. This means that I've fallen asleep at the wheel at least 3 times (WITH DD in the car), fortunately only near misses and paint damage. Falling downstairs because I fell asleep halfway down - I woke up again when my skull smacked into the wall. Fortunately, no bones broken though v bruised back which gave problems lifting up DD. Collapsing on the kitchen floor, asleep, middle of cooking xmas dinner. I could go on. My pet irritation is that my MIL has effectively raised my SIL's child for her - I don't begrudge a support base for SIL as she IS a single parent. But it means that even if I'm desperate for a sitter eg getting dodgy mole removed, DD has had to come with me. No sitter available. My own DMother lives 400+ miles away so not an option. Sorry, also needed excuse to rant/vent. At least DD now in creche during the day so I've nearly got my breath back.

No more than single parents, married/attached mothers also have various prejudices/expectations placed on them, often by their closest relatives as to coping. Good luck Pure!

GypsyMoth · 08/02/2010 11:28

your dp is the father of your ds?? if so, its HIM who needs to be around more....not your mum

youe sis is a different issue....as a lp she has nobody there to come running....you do....its the thought of that which makes a lone parent a lone parent

mrsruffallo · 08/02/2010 11:33

YANBU
The sibling who is a single parent often seems to get a monopoly on the grandmother's time.
It's not fair.
All the grandchildren benefit from a close relationship with their grandparents yet the grandparents often feel obligated to take the place of the absent (usually)fathers.
Like benefits and everything else in life it seems you lose out by working hard to do the right thing

DuelingFanjo · 08/02/2010 11:34

I'd be having a word with DP personally.

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