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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..but your sister has such a hard time, you have DP to help you

136 replies

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 00:04

[sigh]

Sister is a single mum, one DS.
I am a Mum with one DS, but I have DP.

She is on her own, I am not.

She has recently gone on holiday for 3 days (her old friend is cabin crew, they got a good deal).
Mum looked after her DS as she's always on her own.

My DP works ALL THE TIME. 3 days a week he gets home just as or after DS has gone to bed. Yes, he is there, yes, i get the occasional lie-in, but generally it's all down to me.

Was recently ill. Had to look after DS by myself, as any other Mum does.

Sister rings our Mum when she's ill because she can't cope.

I know I'm being unreasonable.. but she's just had a holiday that we can't afford/couldn't take due to work and Mum has taken care of her. I know i'm just being jea;lous.. gah, it just sucks.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 08/02/2010 11:36

If your DH is supporting the whole family on one wage though how can he work less?
I don't tink your DH is to blame; that's a totally different kettle of fish

OrmRenewed · 08/02/2010 11:38

Your DH is the problem not your mum or your sister.

EcoMouse · 08/02/2010 11:41

GN, you aren't in 'practice a single parent' by virtue of the fact that you aren't a single parent!

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/02/2010 11:45

Am I wrong in thinking that all parents in paid employment have the right to a few days "carers allowance" each year? Why can your dh not take one of those? Why can't he just grow a pair and say to his boss "I am needed at home today"?

I have nothing but contempt for people who ALWAYS put their work above their family. And it is not necessary.

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 11:46

DH isn't the problem - he can't work less, and I certainly wouldn't expect him to take time off to look after DS just because I was a bit ill - it's one of the things I have to deal with.

I don't want you to get the wrong impression - he's very supportive, but his job demands a lot of his time, especially at the moment. Don't assume that he's shirking his responsibilities

I work as well, a couple of days a week (long days, demanding job) so I do get to 'escape' in that sense.

DNephew does get to spend a lot more time with his GPs, DS less so (I usually go over once a week so he can see them).

OP posts:
EdgarAllenSnow · 08/02/2010 11:47

i don't think YABU - because my mu is perfectly happy to look after my DCs on th rare occasion i am too crappy to cope, and although i am sure a single sibling will need more help than you most of the time, that's no reason not to yield help when you really need it.Ultimatel se is free to do as she wishes - but that really doesn't affect how you feel about it.

although - i think sibling-mother relationships can e very different, is this perhaps just a conseuence of her having a slightly better relationship with your mum?

GettinTrimmer · 08/02/2010 11:50

I don't blame you for feeling a bit jealous.

From your mum's point of view, she's giving the help where she feels it's needed the most.

Does your mum see it as important to babysit for an evening occasionally so you and DP get couple time? She perhaps sees you as the strong capable one.

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/02/2010 11:51

Sorry to be pedantic here - but if you're only a bit ill, you really shouldn't need your mum to help, should you?

If you were really seriously ill (flu etc) then your dh should take a day off!

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 11:55

Yes, I am the 'strong capable' one
I'm the eldest, I've always done my own thing, while my sister has always been much more dependant on our parents.

Answered my own question here, haven't I

OP posts:
Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 11:55

bibbity, yes - you're right.

OP posts:
AandO · 08/02/2010 11:56

Can you and your sister take it in turns to have both kids and then the other one go out?

MadameDefarge · 08/02/2010 12:00
OrmRenewed · 08/02/2010 12:05

Hey pure I diagnose a case of icancopeitis. It's not life-threatening but symptoms include shouldering all burdens without complaint until such a time as the condition worsens and the patient becomes fed up and cross. One of the signs of this illness are the tendency to sigh heavily a lot and mutter 'no it's OK I'll do it'.

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 12:11

My mother said and did some truly awful things about my sister being more deserving of her help than I was.

It was utterly untrue and I picked her arguments apart. My mother was looking at very superficial things and completely failing to examine the whole picture.

DPs/DHs can be quite a burden! Maybe the OP feels that she has two people to look after, and her sister only one...

GettinTrimmer · 08/02/2010 12:27

Bonsoir - After you got your mother 'to examine the whole picture' did she start to divide her time between you differently or stick to her guns?

coldtits · 08/02/2010 12:35

if your Dh is another person to 'look after' you have a problem with your dh, not with your mother.

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 12:36

She changed tack completely and now divides her time and energies fairly between the two of us... though my sister still takes the mickey, IMO! My mother says herself that when my sister/her family go to stay with her, she is shattered afterwards, whereas when I/my family go it is very restful. So normally I go after my sister has been - my mother catches up with the housework and I take her out to restaurants!

GettinTrimmer · 08/02/2010 12:38

I think you have answered your question Pure. There's a pecking order in families

If she doesn't do so already, you could ask your mum to babysit so you can have a night out with DP.

GettinTrimmer · 08/02/2010 12:41

Your mum sounds very reasonable then, Bonsoir.

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 12:44

Mothers don't always realise that they have one reasonable daughter who tries not to exploit their mother and who makes every effort to manage her life and one totally unreasonable, chaotic daughter who exploits her mother mercilessly - they think they have one daughter whose life is easy and seamless and another one whose life is hard. And they help out the second one!

Sometimes the reasonable, non-exploitative daughter has to have a calm and reasonable conversation with her mother about this!

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 12:48

Sounds very familiar Bonsoir, thanks!

coldtits - I didn't say I had to look after DP (although we do look after each other)

DP does create more laundry than me and DS put together though, btu that's a whole other issue

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 12:50

I have several single girlfriends (with children). They are always wanting to have dinner in the evening, go to the cinema, hang out at the weekend - they seem to have far fewer responsibilities than I do with a DP!

It's a myth that DPs/DHs don't create logistical constraints of their own.

MadameDefarge · 08/02/2010 13:06

Single parents have to be super-efficient in order to have any life at all. We are used to planning our time effectively in order to have time to do other stuff, rather than relying upon a DP/DH to pick up the slack if we want to be spontaneous.

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 13:08

LOL at DPs/DHs picking up slack! I endlessly pick up slack for my DP/DH but the other way round? Ha ha ha!

He does bring in lots of dosh, though!

coldtits · 08/02/2010 13:09

the reason your single girlfriends like to do things with their down time is that they lack adult company.

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