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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..but your sister has such a hard time, you have DP to help you

136 replies

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 00:04

[sigh]

Sister is a single mum, one DS.
I am a Mum with one DS, but I have DP.

She is on her own, I am not.

She has recently gone on holiday for 3 days (her old friend is cabin crew, they got a good deal).
Mum looked after her DS as she's always on her own.

My DP works ALL THE TIME. 3 days a week he gets home just as or after DS has gone to bed. Yes, he is there, yes, i get the occasional lie-in, but generally it's all down to me.

Was recently ill. Had to look after DS by myself, as any other Mum does.

Sister rings our Mum when she's ill because she can't cope.

I know I'm being unreasonable.. but she's just had a holiday that we can't afford/couldn't take due to work and Mum has taken care of her. I know i'm just being jea;lous.. gah, it just sucks.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 13:10

In part, I agree. But they honestly and truthfully seem to have more of it!

ToccataAndFudge · 08/02/2010 13:16

"although in theory you are married/shacked up with DP, in practice you're a single parent."

absolute shite.

When XH was working he work 12-9pm, not usually getting home until gone 10. He would get up later in the mornings to compensate.

He rarely saw the children (apart from DS3 for a short while after he got) through the entire week.

I was NOT a single parent, it was nothing like being a single parent.

ToccataAndFudge · 08/02/2010 13:17

"Just because you can tell your dh how hard it was when he comes in, doesnt make it any easier does it? "

actually it makes a hell of a difference (presuming you have a DH that can't/won't take time off when you're ill).

MollieO · 08/02/2010 13:18

Sounds to me as if your mother thinks, rightly or wrongly, that your dp should be doing more to help. That may explain her relutance to get involved. Or it maybe that the most she can do is to help your sister and she doesn't have the energy or the time to add you into the mix.

Even if you dp is out of the house all day it is not the same thing at all as being a single parent. At some point he will be home in the evening. If your child was seriously ill you would have someone else to share the emotional burden. Someone to talk to in the evenings. Someone to make those important life decisions with. Imagine having to do all that on your own without any help from anyone and then you will get some idea what it is like to be a single parent.

MadameDefarge · 08/02/2010 13:19

You are mistaken.

GettinTrimmer · 08/02/2010 13:19

You would spend time with your DP while single friends need to go out and find a new one/get adult company.

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 13:26

Why is it always the single mothers who badger me for dinner dates? It never ends!

MollieO · 08/02/2010 13:29

The last time I went out for dinner was nearly a year ago. Not all of us have access or the money for babysitters. I would suggest Bonsoir that your single mother friends are either well supported financially or independently wealthy.

coldtits · 08/02/2010 13:30

Bonsoir you get a dinner date every night. It's your husband.

DecorHate · 08/02/2010 13:33

I sympathise OP. We have a similar situation in our family. But not only does the single mother get far more babysitting, etc favours, her ds has a far closer relationship with his grandparents than ours do (because they spend more time with him) and I am a little sad for my ds's that their GPs take so little interest in them

Chulita · 08/02/2010 13:36

DH is in the forces, he works normal hours usually (leaves at 7am, gets home about 6pm) with the odd overnight duty/week-long course. When he goes on tour I am a single parent for 4 months and it's completely different. Horrible in fact because you never get the slightest break, you're the only one who's responsible for your child, all the time. Even if your OH isn't a really hands-on dad, you have adult company and that makes the world of difference.

diddl · 08/02/2010 13:36

But OP did you ask your mother for help when you were ill?

TBH, now that I am married with children it wouldn´t really occur to me to ask my mum for help.

Perhaps your mum still sees your sister as her little girl because she doesn´t have a partner/husband?

Bonsoir · 08/02/2010 13:36

I make dinner for my DP every night - not exactly an evening out in a restaurant! He's far too tired to go out during the week and needs TLC.

Anyway, I agree that my single friends mostly have plenty of babysitting on tap - everyone feels sorry for them! Which brings us back to the OP...

wastingaway · 08/02/2010 13:43

YANBU to vent here.

I know how you feel. SIL lives on the same street as MIL, and she's there every day, baths DN, they go out for day trips, she has him overnight occasionally.

My Mum lives in another country.

DH hasn't been home every night for DS bedtime in a long enough spell to work on putting him to bed without boob so I can't get MIL to have him overnight and I can't go anywhere if it means leaving before bedtime even when DH is there.

Yes, I have a partner, and of course the responsibilities that a lone parent has are shared. But DH is out all day, sometimes, every day, til late. Sometimes he's away for a couple of weeks.
I may not be a lone parent, but most of the time I am alone.

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 13:49

my heart bleeds for you Bonsoir! Would love to know some of these single mothers who have babysitting on tap, perhaps some of them would like to come around and keep me company one evening.

Married parent runs out of milk "DP can you get a pint of milk on your way home however late"

Single parent drinks coffee black.

Married parent makes dinner for DP who comes home late needing TLC.

Single parents worries at what point if they drop dead during the evening that anyone will notice - presumably when DC's wake up in the morning?

Single parent never ever gets to sleep in past 7am (or earlier).

Single parent doesn;t have anyone to share decision making, or financial burden or conversation once the kids are in bed etc etc etc.

No complaints here its not without its compensations but please don't try to pretned that being a single paretn is easier in the vast majority of cases.

OP - you know you are being a bit unreasonable, you know your Sis needs the help whereas you would like it. I can understand feeling you would like more help but that dopesn;t nagate the fact that in her position you would probably also offer more help to the single parent than the married one.

I also think you are underestimating th e fact that it seems your Sis has one child and you have 2. Perhaps your mum just feels more able to cope with one than two?

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 13:49

sorry just realised that you do in fact have one.

EcoMouse · 08/02/2010 13:50

'alone' occasionally and intermittently (and presumably with someone who gives a rats arse, at the end of the phone/email/etc) is far different to alone indefinitely!

EcoMouse · 08/02/2010 13:51

('twas to wastingaway)

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 13:51

I only have one child Kewcumber

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 13:51

why not just ask your mum if she would agree to babysit once a month as a regular fixture?

coldtits · 08/02/2010 13:53

Kew that terrifies me. I have an arrangement with my schoolgate mums that if I don't drop the kids off, please could they ring me, and if I haven't rung them back by lunch please would they drop in.

I'm terrified of my children being left all alone in the house. I'm really scared of dying in the night!

MadameDefarge · 08/02/2010 13:54

Just as it is impossible to imagine the reality of having a child pre-children, it is impossible for those with DPs/DHs to actually know what it is to be a single parent. Being alone with your children, even for blocks of time, is not the same as being a solo parent. Nothing like. I've done both.

You just don't know. And I do hope you never will.

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 13:59

oh god Kew, I read your post again.

I used to think like that when DS was tiny, and it would be me and him in the house all day. I kept thinking I was going to fall down the stairs and break my neck, and he'd be screaming for hours and hours for DP to get home can't imagine having that feeling hanging over you all the time.

Madame - I didn't mean to upset anybody, I was just venting really. Like some posters have said, better to do it here than in RL. Sorry if I upset you.

I have had glimpses of what it would be like (when I've left for a short period after a pretty horrific argument) and yes, i hope I never find out

OP posts:

MadameDefarge · 08/02/2010 14:05

No worries, pure, I'm not cross! Just get a bit rolly eyed when folk assume it's in any way comparable (and fabulous with all that free time, ahem).

coldtits · 08/02/2010 14:05

When ex and I split, the dss were 4 and 1. Part of the reason I kept the ex coming to my house was so thatSOMEONE would eventually notice if I died. Otherwise my children could have been alone for weeks. They'd have starved to death.

Waiting for your husband to get home is NOTHING like that permanent underlying anxiety.

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