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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..but your sister has such a hard time, you have DP to help you

136 replies

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 00:04

[sigh]

Sister is a single mum, one DS.
I am a Mum with one DS, but I have DP.

She is on her own, I am not.

She has recently gone on holiday for 3 days (her old friend is cabin crew, they got a good deal).
Mum looked after her DS as she's always on her own.

My DP works ALL THE TIME. 3 days a week he gets home just as or after DS has gone to bed. Yes, he is there, yes, i get the occasional lie-in, but generally it's all down to me.

Was recently ill. Had to look after DS by myself, as any other Mum does.

Sister rings our Mum when she's ill because she can't cope.

I know I'm being unreasonable.. but she's just had a holiday that we can't afford/couldn't take due to work and Mum has taken care of her. I know i'm just being jea;lous.. gah, it just sucks.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 08/02/2010 21:25

I completely understand where you are coming from Pure..its not about the fact that your sister monopolises your mums time..but that she treats you differently..almost like you are not as important or don't need as much mothering as your sister..

I have a sister..she is married like me..but her DH is a bit of a twat/arsehole/knob delete where appropriate! (spends lots of time out of the house,cannot hold down a job etc etc rather not go on)....
shes not working..she not completely well..but shes home everyday (I work full-time)..my mum is constantly taking care of her children (always seems to be an issue to have mine),lending her money ( always borrows from me),will help her out etc etc..
she says its because she needs her more..and i believe her..but it still hurts..and it still pisses you off..and just sometimes you think maybe if I was more of a fuck up she would pay more attention to me for once .....and even when things are tough I wouldn't tell her unless it was unbearable.
sometimes you have to bite the bullet and be happy with what you have and grateful too..
my mum could be there for me I suppose if I asked, but I like to be independent (although if you spoke to my sister she's the 'independent woman')and if i asked her I know she would do everything in her power to help me..but my sister needs her and has always been more demanding..I say be happy with your life and think about the good..keeps me going!..lol

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 21:32

Sarah - DP does take DS, and sometimes I do get time off. We need to do something together though.
Also - her sons Father is about. He has him most Saturday's. She's also close with her son's other GP.

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 08/02/2010 21:33

gosh that was a bit long![blush}

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 21:35

diddl - yes my DS would be an orphan. Legally and practically.

It would require a DNA test of every man in Kazkahstan to find his birth father (though I do accept we are an unusual situation!)

There are many single parents who are not "lone". But there are many single parents who for various reasons - including violence and desertion - truly are lone parents.

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 21:36

oh MCP - I am grateful...

Having posted this, and read all the responses I'm even more grateful. I don't know how I would cope as a single parents, I really don't.

I know what you mean about "and just sometimes you think maybe if I was more of a fuck up she would pay more attention to me for once"

OP posts:

QueenofWhatever · 09/02/2010 11:13

Pure, your OP annoyed me but now I've read the thread I can understand your POV. It's not about the holiday at all.

You feel worn out, unappreciated and unsupported. You say your DH works long hours (not that much longer than me and I'm a LP) and you also work plus doing the childcare.

You might say you really need the money, but there are better ways to live. Have less cars, a smaller house, whatever but you need your DH to pick up on his parenting. Also speak to your Mum; she probably has no idea how you're feeling.

I get no GP help. My ex-mum lives in another country and at Christmas my Dad argued the toss with me that my flexible working sister (who's DH is a SAHD) had a much harder time of it than me because she has three children and I have one

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 09/02/2010 12:01

QoW - thanks for your post.

We have one car (which we do really need), and we have a small house. Unfortunately we bought at the height of the market so our mortgage is enormous.
It's not that DP works extra hours for overtime or anything, he has to be on call every other week and it's very draining on him, it's just the nature of his job. He has to work almost every weekend and it's exhausting. Hopefully it'll calm down eventually, but not any time soon

I was just having a moment. I'd been ill for a week (still trying to shake it off), and would have loved Mum to come and just have a coffee and watch DS for a bit while I slept, but she was ill and worn out from having her other grandson for the entire weekend.
I wasn't ill enough to ask DP to take a day off, but wasn't well enough to get out of the house with DS, so was hard going, not to mention extremely boring.

I fully appreciate that I WBU, but this thread has been valuable for me to sort out a few things

OP posts:

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 12:27

Pure how far away is your sister? Could you help her out thus giving your mum a break from helping?

Being a single parent is hard work, I miss my mum terribly and wish I still had her here to help me, but my dad does have my boys ovrnight for me, giving me a much needed break. He doesn't have my nephew as often, but I have two boys and he feels I need the break more I suppose.

To be able to hand your children over to someone else whom you trust is a great feeling - all that responsibility gone just for a short while.

GingaNinja · 09/02/2010 22:08

Didn't mean to diss single parents by any means [Insert truly in awe of and amazed by SPs cos I'm crap even with DH smiley thing].

As with Pure, there are just times....usually at 3 in the morning with a sick baby and it feels like there's no one else on the planet. [Insert truly in awe of and amazed by SPs cos I'm crap even with DH smiley thing]

[scuttles back under rock]

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 22:20

Ginga it sounds like you've had a tough time and need some sleep desperately. Just because you're not a SP doesn't mean you don't need support or sleep.

As a single mum I appreciate wny help I get believe me, and don't take it for granted.

susia · 09/02/2010 22:48

nothing makes me more irritated than people whose partners work long hours claim they are like single parents. You have absolutely no idea. If you were a single parent you would be the one working long hours, with all the financial responsibility as well as looking after the child/ren and house. The fact that your partner works long hours means that you don't have to.

Yes, your sister is more deserving of help than you. You are not a single parent, you have a partner and he can help you when you are ill not your mum. How old are you?!!!

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 23:14

Susia it's hard for someone to imagine unless you've lived it for a few years (5 in my case) that when you're on your own you take the rap for everything. You make all the decisions, you go on holiday on your own, you work and pay for everything, you buy all the shoes, pay for all the school trips, you juggle your life around the children and it's so hard to get time to yourself. So, I'd say to all you mums with partners, when your single friend asks to go out GO with her, as she's moved heaven and earth to get that time and she NEEDS to go out!

The organisation that goes into arranging to go out is so stresful you'd have no idea if you didn't have a partner. My dad is having the boys for one night whilst I go into hospital, I have to pack their clothes, buy packed lunch food, tell him exactly where to go at what time, then I have to arrange my own transport to the hospital and pick up.

It's exhausting the constant pressure, but if you have a caring parent to take that off you once in a while it's bliss and appreciated.l

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 23:19

you've got me started now! When my mum was having her chemo and readiotherapy I'd go and see her in my lunch times, then I'd get someone to watch the boys early evening so I could see her, she didn't even know I was there, but I was. Then I'd get home to deal with them, try not to fall apart, and get on with our daily lives. Maybe having to keep it all together was a was kept me together as I'm sure I'd have fallen apart. I even had to beg my ex-MIL to have them for her funeral, which she bitched about and made a big fuss over the fact that I'd had too much to drink. You just can't have a day off you see (unlike my ex-h who decided to take a break from being a parent).

Sorry bitter rant over

susia · 09/02/2010 23:31

ironically, I'm also going into hospital for an op next week and yes I have to get a taxi there and back, my mum will stay over for the night, I have pre-cook the meals for while I'm away etc.

and yes my brother is the same as the OP - moans if I get the occasional night off, thinks their situation is the same as mine (because there is two of them and they have two kids and I have one).

bronze · 09/02/2010 23:35

just on a slight tangent do other people (with OHs) OHs really take time off if they {the mner} are ill?

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 23:37

hope all goes OK for you Susia and I know what you mean - people complain about having to get everything arranged for their husbands but it's a whole new ball game when it's someone else looking after your children. But being a control freak I'm also happier organising it myself, I'm not sitting here resentful that someone else is supposed to be pulling their weight but isn't!

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 09/02/2010 23:38

"nothing makes me more irritated than people whose partners work long hours claim they are like single parents"

Never claimed anything of the sort susia. Also, my sister doesn't work long hours. She works less than I do, so that's not the issue.

Susia - please read the whole thread. I don't want to upset anybody, and I certainly don't think my life is comparable to that of a single parent. I was complaining about my Mum's attitude.

Susia - if I were going into hospital I'd hve to arrange all the meals, pre-cook DS's food, write out a schedule for DP and probably get a taxi there depending on his work schedule.

Hope the op goes OK - obviously I have no idea what it is, but any operation is scary so I hope it goes well x

OP posts:

GrumpyBlumkin · 09/02/2010 23:40

Pure you didn't answer my question about helping your sister? Is that out of the question?

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 09/02/2010 23:45

Grumpy - she's a good 50 min drive from me, I could help her out, yes. but in fairness she has lots of people/friends/other relatives who take her DS when she needs a break. she doesn't actually need my help (totally honestly, she really doesn't)

When she needs emotional help, she knows I'm about. She's much better at asking for help than I am, so if she's having a really shit time she'll call me.

OP posts:

Original poster

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 09/02/2010 23:53

Grumpy - sorry, meant to say - I wasn't ignoring the question, just hadn't got to it is all

OP posts:

GrumpyBlumkin · 10/02/2010 00:04

Maybe you've answered your own question Pure in that she's better at asking for help than you. It's something you have to learn to do and it's actually quite hard if you're used to being independent.

Don't be too hard on your mum, she's only doing what she believes to be the right thing and what you would do in her position. She won't see it the way you do, sounds as though she's just doing her best.

I'd offer your sister some help anyway, much nicer to have help from family and might bring you and your sister and mum closer?

susia · 10/02/2010 00:12

I have read the whole thread and believe me I have met many people who think they have an idea what it is like being a single parent when they quite simply don't.

I don't set them straight because it is like hitting your head against a brick wall.

Your sister deserves a break, you don't. Sorry.

Maybe one day you will walk in her shoes and then you will have an idea. I hope for your sake you don't, it's not something I would wish on anyone.

susia · 10/02/2010 00:15

and yes I think YOU should offer to help your sister. As Grumpy says asking for help is not easy and she would probably really appreciate it.

SarahDerbyshire · 10/02/2010 00:18

Hi Pure - glad in a way to admit that I was wrong then.

I think that you had ought to speak to your mum and your sister if you do still feel that it's unfair.

I hope that you find a solution, and get some special time with your hubby

poshsinglemum · 10/02/2010 08:17

YABU- fgs- a three day holiday!

It's hardly a month's cruise around the Carribean is it?

Ok your dp works all the time but at least he's bringing in the cash and you can get the occaissional shag.

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