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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..but your sister has such a hard time, you have DP to help you

136 replies

PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 00:04

[sigh]

Sister is a single mum, one DS.
I am a Mum with one DS, but I have DP.

She is on her own, I am not.

She has recently gone on holiday for 3 days (her old friend is cabin crew, they got a good deal).
Mum looked after her DS as she's always on her own.

My DP works ALL THE TIME. 3 days a week he gets home just as or after DS has gone to bed. Yes, he is there, yes, i get the occasional lie-in, but generally it's all down to me.

Was recently ill. Had to look after DS by myself, as any other Mum does.

Sister rings our Mum when she's ill because she can't cope.

I know I'm being unreasonable.. but she's just had a holiday that we can't afford/couldn't take due to work and Mum has taken care of her. I know i'm just being jea;lous.. gah, it just sucks.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 14:28

I really don't have a big problme with you venting here Pure. If I had a husband for every time someone has said to me "I'm being a single parent this weekend" meaning they were on their own I'd be a happy woman! Of course I'd have to take away half their income for the month as well

I never pull people up on it, their perception is that they feel like a single parent and I'm sure those times are tough for them as they aren't used to it.

Ebb · 08/02/2010 14:40

I understand where you're coming from. My dsis is a single parent with two children (both at school) and my Mum does huge amounts for them. She once said to me 'I know I don't see you as much as dsis but I know you don't need me as much' I said, 'It's not about me needing you, it's about you having the same relationship with BabyEbb as you do with Dsis's children.'

It would be nice, just once, for one of the Grandparents to babysit one night so Dp and I could go out. Both Grandparents have the other Grandchildren most weekends and for whole weeks during the year.

wastingaway · 08/02/2010 14:52

I know it's nothing like the same, but sometimes it seems there's a perception that all DHs come home at 6 o'clock and help out.

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 14:57

I don;t know any DH's who come home at 6pm and help out except forces personnel who are away for long periods and even they tend to leave you access to their bank account!

MadameDefarge · 08/02/2010 14:57

no, its a perception that at some point in a 24 hour cycle you will have someone else to share the burden of responsibility with, either in person or by communication.

MollieO · 08/02/2010 15:05

Kew you have it spot on. When ds was just turned one I very nearly died in a bomb blast. It was a big wake up call to all of my friends as many of them were shocked by their realisation that had I died ds would have been an orphan.

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 15:08

I've just had teh "who has DS in the event of death" discussion.

Yes I know that similar conversations have to happen to married couples but the likelihood is higher if you have a single parent than two actice ones (married or not).

Just realised that my previous post doesn;t make sense but hey ho - can't be bothered to rephrase it!

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 15:10

On an adoption webgroup during a specific discussion about single adopters, every single adopter said "can;t complain - I chose to do this" and one very nice married adotper gently pointed out that we had all "chosen" to do it whether single or not .

I don;t actually complain as a rule, its a priviledge to be DS's mother. It would just be nice to have a lie in once a week or not be stuck at home when he's in bed.

It's not the worst thing, but by choice I would do it with a partner, even an unengaged one.

wastingaway · 08/02/2010 15:14

Bank account?

Kewcumber · 08/02/2010 15:22

ie single parent means one salary + childcare costs or living on benefit vs two salaries or one plus no childcare costs.

You are truly only a single paretn if your parent removes not only his presence (for a significant amount of time) but also his financial contribution and practical contribution eg arranging mortgage, holiday, buying cars etc (whatever they contribute normally)

YoMoJo · 08/02/2010 15:28

I dont think you are are being unreasonable.

Your issue is more about the way your Mother treats you & your sister so differently.

DH parents are like this too. Both his sisters are single Mums, but the one that needs the help (support & money) the most doesnt get any. Partly it is because one sister asks for it so gets it but the other sister waits to be asked. and partly it is the family "joke" that oldest sister is "The Golden Child"

Without being patronizing I just wanted to add that Motherhood is a hard job & I think all you single Mums are bloody amazing!

wastingaway · 08/02/2010 15:29

I wasn't meaning the financial side, more the practical side.
Benefits would be an increase in income for me atm. And consequently neither of us arranges mortgages, holidays or buying cars!

I don't begrudge anyone a penny or SIL her help, just wish my Mum was local.

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/02/2010 16:00

MollieO: how shocking! hope you are okay now. I think all of us, single parent or not, need to think about who looks after our dc if we die. Its something thats easier to push to the back of your mind than actually confront, though.

MollieO · 08/02/2010 18:55

Absolutely fine now thank heavens (was 7/7 tube bomb). Did make me think though and was particularly hard as it happened a month after I'd returned from ML.

maristella · 08/02/2010 19:30

MollieO that's awful, really glad you're ok.
Kew you really hit the nail on the head, if anything was to happen to me, ds would be quite alone
i'm terrified of getting caught up in a car crash on the way home from work, it's my big fear.
another thing i have found as a single parent is how scary it is when ds has been ill. in the middle of the night you can't always tell if your dc has just a cold or much much worse (many a scary moment when ds was little!). i have no-one to give me a second opinion, and at such times i have never ever felt so scared and so alone.

mrsruffallo · 08/02/2010 19:42

Gosh Mollie O, that would make you reassess your life
You sound very brave, it must have been terrifying

diddl · 08/02/2010 19:46

But even if you have a partner/husband, they are often not there in the day to physically help when it is needed.

Also for single parents, unless you are a widow/er, your children wouldn´t be orphans.

ToccataAndFudge · 08/02/2010 19:55

"Also for single parents, unless you are a widow/er, your children wouldn´t be orphans. "

well - we don't all live in an ideal world where all the non-resident (living) parents actually care/show an interest in their off spring

maristella · 08/02/2010 20:04

sadly true Toccata. ds only has one parent, me. his father has actively avoided playing a role in his life for a long time.
on another note OP maybe your mother is playing a larger role in your nephew's life and your ds' because if his father does not see him he is much more likely to have that sense of abandonment and rejection later. maybe without preference being a motive she simply recognises that your nephew may be quite vulnerable emotionally.
also want to say OP you've been very gracious with the responses you've had

LadyBiscuit · 08/02/2010 20:06

My mother looks after my sisters' children quite often. They ask her though. Perhaps it doesn't occur to your mum that you need help.

And honestly, as kew says, there is a big difference between being a SAHM with a DP who works long hours and being single parent.

I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, pay the bills, get the car serviced, change the bulbs, fix the plugs, read the meters, bleed the radiators, cut the grass, paint the shed, change the locks, fix the leaking taps, sweep the paths, put the bins out.And no one ever makes me a cup of tea or strokes my hair or asks me if I've had a good day.

I don't tend to harp on about this but it really does get on my tits when women with partners on MN complain that their lives are not dissimilar to a single parent's.

Bonsoir - I can only assume your single friends are very wealthy as given it costs me about £30 to get a babysitter for the evening, I don't tend to go out much.

Original poster
PureAsTheColdDrivenSnow · 08/02/2010 20:12

maristella, thank you..

that's a good point about being there for more emotional support for DNephew. He's still only young, but if he knows there are all these people around for him, he'll hopefully grow up secure and knowing he's loved

On the flip side of this I'll have to be careful in years to come that DS doesn't feel left out because his cousin gets to spend more time at Grandma's house.

I do just need to ask.. tbh, i just don't want to put her out as she does spend a lot of time looking after her other grandson.

I didn't intend to compare my life with DP to that of a single parent (I don't think I did, as I know that's not the case)
I said I'd had a glimpse of what it might be like after a very bad argument when I didn't know if me and DP were going to make it. Was enough, i can tell you.

Everybody - thank you for your responses, you've given me a lot to think about.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/02/2010 20:16

I think as you say you have to ask.

My sister is a "golf widow" and for some reason my parents seem to think that that means she needs more help

LadyBiscuit · 08/02/2010 20:16

Honestly pure, just ask your mum. My mum does see a lot more of my DC than she does of her other ones but she offers to help and I don't turn it down. I would hate it if my sister felt that she couldn't ask my mum to help her out sometimes.

She tends to go for weekend care - so she and her DH can have a big night out and a lie in once in a while - why don't you ask your mum to do that?

LadyBiscuit · 08/02/2010 20:17

'her other ones'? Her other grandchildren I mean

SarahDerbyshire · 08/02/2010 20:47

YABU - I'm sure that your partner has parents too?? Your sister only has your mum.

I always said that I would rather be a single mum than feel like one.

I am very much looking forward to my 3 days away next Thursday when my mum is having my son for me - I cannot wait and previous to this, my mum has had him for a grand total of 3 over night stays in 2 years. I think that if I had a DH that I could leave DS with over night, I'd probably try to swindle for my mum to still have him for me as well as I used to love going to my nan's when I was little and I know that she loves having him.

Perhaps next time your sister wants to go away, you could ask DP to have your DS for you and go with her?

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