Advice with helping at the scene of a fatal accident

[zippytiptoes]

I'm really just after a couple of opinions if anyone could help out.

I stopped at the scene of an accident on Sunday after seeing a young girl flagging me down to ask for help.According to the police it seems as though I was the first one there.

To cut to the quick, the people on the road were injured but not badly, then I saw a car down in a ditch 20ft below. I ran and got my kids blankets out of the car to cover the passengers who looked unconscious. When I returned to cover them, coincidentally the next people to arrive were two surgeons who took over and asked me to help.

Basically, it was horrific. The daughter was pretty much dead although they did carry out CPR and use a defibrilator but with no luck.

The surgeons told me to climb into the back of the car and hold the woman's head still while they were doing other stuff to try to help her. I did this for about 45 mins while we were waiting for the air ambulance and while the firebrigade cut the roof and doors off the car.

I did what they asked and talked to the woman all the time. I kept telling her that we were trying really hard to sort things to make everything better. She seemed to regain consciousness and was screaming a lot and trying to move my hands, but her arms were broken and she couldn't move properly and the surgeon told me to keep her still. It was horrific.

When the air ambulance people were ready to move her, I left and returned to my car. I had to stay to give a statement and when I spoke to the police officer later, he said the mother had died too.

I feel so sad about this, which I know is inevitable. The family liason officer asked if I would mind if the husband/father requested my details, would I mind if he contacted me in the future. He explained that some people find it very cathartic which I can understand. However, I know I'm being totally selfish, but I'm not sure I could. The reasons being that I wouldn't want to tell the man the truth as what I experienced was so terrible and grafic and I feel that I wouldn't be able to lie, but wouldn't want to tell the truth either.

The top and bottom of it is that I have thought for two days now about writing the husband a letter, just saying that I was the first one there and that I did everything I could to help. That the surgeons were amazing and that I talked to his wife and daughter throughout and tried to reassure them. I hate the idea of him thinking they were all alone and in pain.

Do you think that writing to him would be a bad idea or would serve a purpose. I also think maybe if I did nothing, that that would be the best move, but in lots of ways feel that that is cowardly and selfish on my behalf.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful. I've got two little girls and would want someone to help me if I were grieving.

Thank you.

I can't see there is any problem whatsoever with you emailing her with a short simple reiteration of being there if she needs to talk, and I really can't understand the posts that suggest this may be inappropriate.

She can choose to ignore your email if she would prefer not to have further contact. It could be that she would dearly like to talk to you but feels uncomfortable about approaching you / burdening you further with her issues. If you email her at least she knows your offer to talk to her again was genuine, rather than some customary platitude that people tend to say to the bereaved.

Thanks for understanding HMC. These are my feelings exactly. She doesn't have to respond if she doesn't want to. Thanks for not making me feel as if my feelings are really strange. Just if I can help her in any way by sharing the fact that I was with her loved ones when they died, I'd like her to know the offer is there if she wants it.

Of course I wouldn't express any painful details as someone seemed concerned about.

Thanks again for your support.

Have you been offered counseling?
I think a letter might help, I am sure this poor man will want to know everything but sometimes that is not for the best.

So sorry you went through this and so sad for the people in the car

Could you contact the family liaison officer and voice your concerns and ask them to contact the daughter? I am concerned that you making contact out of the blue may be very upsetting again for this young woman. I understand your wish to ensure that she is coping, but she may well have a very strong support network of friends and relatives and support from people who are not intimately related in her mind to the bereavement that she has suffered and this may be more what she needs.

I have not been in her situation, but I think that having met you, and seen that you are a good person, may be all she needs to know about the person who was with her family. I think contacting her directly is rather intrusive, and while well intentioned , if a 3rd party (FLO) can make the offer to meet again for you and leave it up to her, I think that would be more fair.

Separating your own emotions about the situation from your concerns for the daughter sounds very complex, and this has obviously affected you deeply. It sounds like your DH is doing a great job in talking through things with you though.

...can't see how a simple email is intrusive - zippi is not advocating doorstepping her on her way out in the morning. Jeez

It's contact from someone that she has only met through a horrific set of circumstances, and who she has not made an attempt to contact. She may have decided not to contact zippi for a number of reasons. It's just my opinion though, which is what this forum is for.

I didn't suggest she was advocating doorstepping her. What I suggested was recontacting the FLO and reiterating the offer to talk again. I just feel that as the girl didn't give zippi her email address if I understand correctly, she might be very upset by being contacted out of the blue in this way.

I think what you did was fantastic Zippi, and meeting the family was a very brave decision. I just think that recontacting the daughter without using a third party may not be fair on her.

Yes, thanks everyone. I've decided to hold out on my gut instinct and at least wait a couple more weeks to see if the daughter/father contact me.Then I'll reassess the situation. I obviously don't want to offend them or cause them further distress. I don't know if people can understand, but it feels very human to me that to see someone hurt so much, it's a natural thing as a human/mother/wife etc to want to attempt to bring them some comfort and offer some care.

I know they wanted to talk again and maybe in my mind I'm rushing it. I just feel worried for and about the daughter as I know she wasn't able to talk openly in front of her father and the FLO. I just wanted her to know that I was there and I was thinking about her. It's not as though I want to be taking them Sunday lunch or creating any lasting links. I just suppose selfishly, need to know that they are ok and that I have given them as much as they want from me. I know that is currently not the situation and it's quite hard to think day to day that I could possibly offer her something which may help her to process her grief and be able to move on.

Respect to you zippytiptoes for being so concerned and wanting to do what you can to help this family. I do think it would be worth seeking counselling for yourself - could you perhaps pay privately rather than wait for three months for an NHS appointment?

I agree you should hold off from contacting the daughter. In fact, I think you should let her lead this relationship. If she needs you, let her come to you. I don't think you can safely assume that she is unable to do this.

I think suggestsquietly makes some good points and it would be worth considering how much your own experience (the sad loss of your own father at such a young age) might be influencing your need to contact the daughter.