Advice with helping at the scene of a fatal accident

[zippytiptoes]

I'm really just after a couple of opinions if anyone could help out.

I stopped at the scene of an accident on Sunday after seeing a young girl flagging me down to ask for help.According to the police it seems as though I was the first one there.

To cut to the quick, the people on the road were injured but not badly, then I saw a car down in a ditch 20ft below. I ran and got my kids blankets out of the car to cover the passengers who looked unconscious. When I returned to cover them, coincidentally the next people to arrive were two surgeons who took over and asked me to help.

Basically, it was horrific. The daughter was pretty much dead although they did carry out CPR and use a defibrilator but with no luck.

The surgeons told me to climb into the back of the car and hold the woman's head still while they were doing other stuff to try to help her. I did this for about 45 mins while we were waiting for the air ambulance and while the firebrigade cut the roof and doors off the car.

I did what they asked and talked to the woman all the time. I kept telling her that we were trying really hard to sort things to make everything better. She seemed to regain consciousness and was screaming a lot and trying to move my hands, but her arms were broken and she couldn't move properly and the surgeon told me to keep her still. It was horrific.

When the air ambulance people were ready to move her, I left and returned to my car. I had to stay to give a statement and when I spoke to the police officer later, he said the mother had died too.

I feel so sad about this, which I know is inevitable. The family liason officer asked if I would mind if the husband/father requested my details, would I mind if he contacted me in the future. He explained that some people find it very cathartic which I can understand. However, I know I'm being totally selfish, but I'm not sure I could. The reasons being that I wouldn't want to tell the man the truth as what I experienced was so terrible and grafic and I feel that I wouldn't be able to lie, but wouldn't want to tell the truth either.

The top and bottom of it is that I have thought for two days now about writing the husband a letter, just saying that I was the first one there and that I did everything I could to help. That the surgeons were amazing and that I talked to his wife and daughter throughout and tried to reassure them. I hate the idea of him thinking they were all alone and in pain.

Do you think that writing to him would be a bad idea or would serve a purpose. I also think maybe if I did nothing, that that would be the best move, but in lots of ways feel that that is cowardly and selfish on my behalf.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful. I've got two little girls and would want someone to help me if I were grieving.

Thank you.

so sorry for duplicate post pc playing up

zippy,how brave and compassionate of you.I've no advice,but you did a wonderful thing for those poor women.

How horrible for you. Lots of good replies, but I wanted to say: lots of people who've just found out about a loved one's death don't even want contact straight away. I don't know what you were told about timing, but is there the possibility that you wouldn't have to contact or talk about it until some time has passed?

Of course you shouldn't have to talk about it if you don't feel able, but you might feel better about it in a couple of months, maybe.

I think a letter is a wonderful idea, particularly the way you expressed it
it can be helfpul for the family to come to terms with it if they are able to make sense of the events, who was there, what happened etc

"She said that if she couldn't be the one to hold her son's hands as he died she was comforted that another mother had been there in her place."

I just got the hugest lump in my throat reading that

Zippy - please make sure you get some help - maybe you could call Cruse?

Firstly, you did an amazing thing. I really hope you find some peace and comfort in that. You truly deserve it.

Secondly, I want to add a different slant on what others have said about relatives needing to know absolutely everything, no matter how painful. I can understand that some people feel that way, but not everybody does. My mum died in a car accident and I can categorically say that neither myself, my siblings or my father wanted to know about her injuries. It was just too painful to hear. None of us even felt able to attend the inquest because we knew the details would be gone through. Luckily my lovely DH went to the inquest on my family's behalf. He said the details of her injuries were horrific. I know he would tell me if I asked him. I never have, in 9 years.

I know my mum wouldn't have wanted us to worry about how she died. She would only want us to remember her as she was alive and well.

Of course this is only my experience. Lots of others here have said they wanted to (or would want to) know everything.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is the husband / father in your situation should choose himself how much / little he wants to know. My advice is to write the letter letting him know you were there and you comforted his wife, but don't give him any details, unless he specifically asks you.

God bless you xxx

You did a wonderful thing and it's lovely that you are thinking of others, but you also need to think of yourself too.
My Dad was first on the scene of a fatal motorbike accident a few years ago, there was nothing he could do to save the person and I know how hard it was for him to cope with what happened and what he saw.
He did give his details, so they could be past on to the family, but they never contacted him.
I think it would be a really comforting thing to do, to pass a letter to the family's police officer. then at least the family have the choice of reading it or not.
I would state the facts as they are, don't go into great detail, but don't cover anything up either.
Make sure that you are getting plenty of support too, you have been through a traumatic event and it's important that you're being well looked after.
Take care

It may also help you with your own thoughts and feelings, if you were to write it down, even if you never send it.

My dh was first on the scene of a car accident - turns out it was my friend

My friend had horrific injuries and died pretty much instantly. Another man came out with a sheet to cover him but dh couldnt do it so covered his body up to his neck and just sat and spoke to him until paramedics arrived as he thought it would be a comfort for his family to know someone had stayed with him.

This was a few years ago and I know he is still troubled by it, so maybe writing this letter would not only help the father/husband but you as well.

You dont need to go into too much detail, just that you stayed with her and comforted her so she wasnt alone and that the surgeons/paramedics/police did everything they could.

Take care and be gentle on yourself, you are very brave X

Dear Zippy - apologies have not read all the threads as the situation is too close to home for me.

Basically my family and I were involved in a horrific accident and it was only due to the help that the two householders gave that resulted in us all and in particular my son surviving.

Once out of hospital I went to see them to personally thank them and find out more details. It was phenomenally reasurring and to know the level of help that these 2 people gave was truly remarkable.

I would strongly urge you to see the family, it doesnt need to be graphic. The couple who helped us merely explained where the car was, where we were found etc, there was no need to state about any blood and gore.

What about the young girl who flagged you down?

Will there be an inquest from which the husband/father could get the details if he wanted?

Firstly I am so sorry about your experience and the experiences of so many others on here.

I think a letter is a wonderful idea, for both you and the family. Firstly, you could start by writing down everything, full details. From here, you can then draft a letter for the husband, maybe even 2, 1 with full details and then another with the bare facts, you were there, you gave blankets, you talked. The FLO may then be able to advise which they think is most approriate. The letter doesn't even have to be handed over if it's not requested.

I always find writing things down helps me process things, and also the husband, should he want it will have something to refer to.

Finally, look after yourself, you did the most wonderful, kind thing, and there was nothing else you could have done. Maybe contact a berevement charity for some help.

hi zippi

i would strongly recommend some sort of counselling. i myself (when a police officer) was first on the scene when a childs murdered body was found. i will never ,ever forget what i saw and the reactons of everyone else. it was the most horrific thing i have ever witnessed and actually,eventually i left the police over it

i never took the counselling,but so wish i had. i think i must remember details of this more clearly than any other memory i have,and i still (17 years on) still think of the poor young boy.

Oh Zip, how horrendous. Nice to see you by the way (it is you isn't it?)

So courageous and selfless of you to do what you did however instinctively you did it. Thank goodness the woman had a kind support for her when she did despite the outcome, and not just medical people doing there job as best they could.

I too think you should have a debrief - you may be at risk of PTSD. I thought it would be offered tbh.

I just wanted to add an account of a situation my mother was in...

My mum had a near fatal accident at work very early in the morning where there was hardly anyone around. However, a dlegate at her place of work was first or second on the scene and sat with my mum whilst they waited for the ambulance. My mother had a severe head injury and facial laceration and was bleeding profusely as well as in extreme pain due to metal lodged in her head and brain and she was in and out of consciousness, much as it sounds the lady in your situation would have been.

My mum corresponded with the man when she was recovering and at the time he was the most important person in the world to her for his support and kindness in the aftermath of the accident. She treasures her communication with him and it is a very important part of the memory for her.

Although I understand your concerns, I believe the option of contact with you may be more important to this man more than you might conceivably imagine and that you must be instinctive about this and share with him what you feel is right should he come to you at a later date.

Honesty is very important during grief as is probably clarity. You were his hands and words for his wife when he couldn't comfort her and that makes you very special and I'm sure he'll want to be in touch.

very sad.

Hi Zippy

I'm so glad you hvae been to the docs as you have already found this will effect you. There are many emotions you will go through and you should get help.

Don't talk down what you did, you did an amazing thing. There are lots of people who would not have been able to help as you describe.

Writing him a letter is a fantastic idea. I would suggest writing two, one where you say everything that happened and then one that you want to send.

Also make sure you talk about it when you need too.

I have a similar experience and it did take me months to get over and effected me in ways that suprised me, from worrying about people to becoming a scaredy cat at alton towers.

Oh zippy, you are so brave, I agree with others who have said how proud they are of you as a fellow Mum.

My SIL was driving along a few years ago when the car in front was hit (sideways) by a speeding motorbike. The biker flew over the car and in front of SIL's car. She stopped in good time, got out, but he was dead on impact. She has been haunted by this ever since and just last week told me that she simply can't sleep as she has awful dreams of it happening over and over but with family members on the bike. I don't think she had any contact with the family members after the accident but I often wonder if she had got some help/counselling or something at the time, she may have got a bit of closure around it.

I'm sure it's quite natural to feel the way you are feeling, not that I'd know having not been in your situation. Sometimes the whole truth is the best way to go, even if it hurts a little at first.

Hugs, hope you manage to get the support you need, PLP xxx

oh gosh, zippy - how awful for you. I cannot imagine how awful actually.

I really think you need some help to deal with this, are you being offered any support - please go to your GP and ask for some sort of counselling, something.

You were so so very brave.

I don't know waht to advise re the letter. You could just emphasise that this man's family were not alone at the end. No more details required.

It doesn't bear thinking about - so sorry you had to go through this.

I just thought I'd update anyone who was interested to know about the results of my initial posting. Thankyou so much to everyone who helped me.

I did write to the husband/father and the police liason officer gave the family my letter last Sunday night. The FLO told me they were moved but grateful that I had written it and said that they would like to meet me to discuss what happened. I think I am fine with this although quite nervous.

I've found the whole event quite difficult to process myself and have cried a lot about what happened. I went to the funeral this week with my DH and the FLO who has been very supportive. I found it very upsetting as there were literally hundreds of people there. Some couldn't even fit into the church. I know it's silly, but I felt really sad that I hadn't been able to help more and prevent all those people from feeling so sad. I know in reality though there was nothing I could do more than I did.

I have asked my doctor about a bit of help with counseling but apparently you have to wait three months after post traumatic stress (their words not mine) to receive support. They said that I had to learn to come to terms with it on my own first. Seems a bit severe I thought especially as the police/fire/ambulance people were all offered counseling. The PC I spoke to said he had never witnessed such a horrific crash in his 23 year career.

Thanks again though to people who generously offered support and comments. You all really helped me.

Zippy, had read your post before and
I'm glad you wrote your letter and it would have been more helpful than you could possibly have known.
I wish I had someone who could have done similar for my DB.
Otherwise you just never know what happened.
Premature death is a dreadful thing, those innocent people wrenched from their lives before their time.

zippy

My husband lost his brother in a car crash and it really helped him that there was a lady at the scene who held his brother's hand and talked to him while they were working on getting him out of the car. Sadly he didn't survive it, but he hadn't been alone and that was far more important to my husband and to his sister in law than having that lady tell him what happened at the scene. You did an incredible thing, and even though those two people sadly didn't survive, you made their last few minutes more bearable, even if it didn't feel like it - at least they weren't alone.

You should be able to get counselling now. I don't think that your doctor is right. Speak to the police - they will have access to all the info. Also, talk to them before talking to the family. They are trained in how to handle difficult questions and in the end I doubt the family really want to know how it was. If you do talk to them, have a family liason officer with you.

You did a good thing. The family is grieving but you really need to look after yourself.

YOu are doing so well with this, you really are.

I think that if you meet with the family it will be hard but hopefully of benefit to you all. From your first post 'I did what they asked and talked to the woman all the time. I kept telling her that we were trying really hard to sort things to make everything better.' - there is so much in that line. You did everything within your power, you were brave and loving - all the family need to know is just that and it will be of immense comfort. You were among the last people on earth to be touched - physically and emotionally by their loved ones, that makes you hugely valuable to them. You don't need to do anything more because you did so much just by being there - iyswim?

Regarding counselling for you - am shocked by what your GP has said but I'm sure the police can get you something sooner than that. Speak to the FLO about this.

I just wanted to say that you are amazing Zippy and send love and support

Zippy I didn't see the original post when you did it but you did a wonderful, wonderful thing and I'm so glad you did decide to write that letter. It's up to you know whether you meet the family and I wish you all the best if you do decide to go ahead with that. Do make sure you have the FLO with you. It's what they're trained to do and if it gets too much then stop.

I hope you can get counselling - I don't see why you shouldn't have at least a debrief - but if you can't and you just need to talk it out with someone do consider calling the Samaritans. At the very least they're a confidential service who will listen to whatever you have to say and you needn't feel guilty about burdening them the way you might someone that you know.

I haven't read all the posts.

How brave you were - and what a dreadful thing to happen.

My DSis was in a similar situation recently, although she ended up being the one in charge.

I think she agreed for the man's family to have her details but I don't think they contacted her.

I would write a letter for your own benefit but not send it unless asked. The family may well be comforted enough by knowing someone kind was there, and may not want to know anything more, indeed may fear hearing details that could upset them. I can imagine looking at an unopened, unsolicited, letter in utter panic, wondering if it was going to contain things I really couldn't cope with.

I think you also need to take your own time to get over this. My DSis was able to talk to the police and the paramedics - would you be able to? Either way, be gentle with yourself.