Advice with helping at the scene of a fatal accident

[zippytiptoes]

I'm really just after a couple of opinions if anyone could help out.

I stopped at the scene of an accident on Sunday after seeing a young girl flagging me down to ask for help.According to the police it seems as though I was the first one there.

To cut to the quick, the people on the road were injured but not badly, then I saw a car down in a ditch 20ft below. I ran and got my kids blankets out of the car to cover the passengers who looked unconscious. When I returned to cover them, coincidentally the next people to arrive were two surgeons who took over and asked me to help.

Basically, it was horrific. The daughter was pretty much dead although they did carry out CPR and use a defibrilator but with no luck.

The surgeons told me to climb into the back of the car and hold the woman's head still while they were doing other stuff to try to help her. I did this for about 45 mins while we were waiting for the air ambulance and while the firebrigade cut the roof and doors off the car.

I did what they asked and talked to the woman all the time. I kept telling her that we were trying really hard to sort things to make everything better. She seemed to regain consciousness and was screaming a lot and trying to move my hands, but her arms were broken and she couldn't move properly and the surgeon told me to keep her still. It was horrific.

When the air ambulance people were ready to move her, I left and returned to my car. I had to stay to give a statement and when I spoke to the police officer later, he said the mother had died too.

I feel so sad about this, which I know is inevitable. The family liason officer asked if I would mind if the husband/father requested my details, would I mind if he contacted me in the future. He explained that some people find it very cathartic which I can understand. However, I know I'm being totally selfish, but I'm not sure I could. The reasons being that I wouldn't want to tell the man the truth as what I experienced was so terrible and grafic and I feel that I wouldn't be able to lie, but wouldn't want to tell the truth either.

The top and bottom of it is that I have thought for two days now about writing the husband a letter, just saying that I was the first one there and that I did everything I could to help. That the surgeons were amazing and that I talked to his wife and daughter throughout and tried to reassure them. I hate the idea of him thinking they were all alone and in pain.

Do you think that writing to him would be a bad idea or would serve a purpose. I also think maybe if I did nothing, that that would be the best move, but in lots of ways feel that that is cowardly and selfish on my behalf.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful. I've got two little girls and would want someone to help me if I were grieving.

Thank you.

I think a letter is a perfect compromise. You don't have to provide any contact details to the family but the peace and comfort your words can offer will be invaluable.

I would also contact the FLO to establish if there is any support available to you to make sure you are able to process what happened.

It sounds horrific and I'm humbled by how selfless and brave you were.

People like you restore my faith in our society. I'm sure the husband would take great comfort knwoing his wife and daughter were with someone so compassionate and caring.
Write the letter then take some time to heal yourself.
xxxxxxxxx

zippytiptoes, what you did was both kind and amazing. I am sure the husband would appreciate a letter detailing your side of what happened.

My xh recently died in a horrific car accident and was alone for 8 hrs till he was discovered, I am sure had someone been with him it would be comforting to know he wasnt alone and that it was ok in a sense.

Good for you, OP, you made a difference to the last moments of this woman's life, and her husband will derive great comfort in years to come from knowing you were there.
Write the letter, but, as others have suggested, hand it to the FLO, as they'll know how to broach the subject with him.
Also, do get some help yourself - you did something amazing, but also horrific and terrifying, and will need help to process it.
Best wishes.

My step mum died in a car accident 3 years ago. A passer by stopped and stayed with her and was actually with her when she died. It was a huge comfort for us to know that my step mum wasn't on her own, and the lady spoke to us about what happened and it was a lovely thing for her to do, although I can appreciate very hard for her.

If you can face it Zippy the leave your details, but otherwise a letter will do just as well. You don't need to be graphic but say you were with them and held their hands and talked to them whilst the doctors were with them. I think this will be a enormous comfort to the family - the idea of your loved ones dying along is unbearable.

Well done for what you did, it must have been extremely distressing for you and no doubt will continue to be for a while.

Thank you everyone. Thanks for the kind words, but really, you just do those things without thinking I think, when you know someone else needs you. I would want someone to help me and my kids should the need arise. I've started writing a letter which is very hard. I'm worried because I mention the fact that I held his wifed head. I couldn't really get to his daughter as the car was so mangled. I'm worried he may think his daughter was alone or pick up the fact that she had already died. What should I say?

I did go to see my GP yesterday who was very understanding. I didn't sleep on Sunday night and kept rerunning every image in my head, but largely because my arms ached so much from holding the mother's head. The police say they have no support mechanism but a female police officer did ring me to see if I was okay. The doctor gave me some Temazepam, but I diodn't take them. I was a bit scared as I don't really like the idea of taking drugs.

Thank you though for all yur help and advice. It really means a lot.

I think a letter would be a good thing.

Years ago, a relative of mine hung himself in a park. As you can imagine, my family's grief took many, many forms, but I often found myself wondering about the poor woman who found him. I'd have loved a chat with her...just to thank her for contacting authorities etc. I can't explain why, she didn't witness his last moments or anything as he was already dead.

But I really felt for her.

I just think, if it was me, and the policetold me that 'a member of the public helped' those words wouldn't really even register. But to have a letter from a real person, who cared, and showed affection and compassion...that would make a difference I think.

You did a wonderful thing.

Zippy, I don't think you should worry about mentioning you held his wife's head, he'll know you did what you can. I'd gloss over the car too mangled to get to the daughter bit, but could you instead say you spoke them both to tell them someone was there and the medics were doing all they can. Would that work do you think? And mention the blankets perhaps.

My mum and dad stopped to help at the scene of an accident between a motorbike and a caravan.

The biker was obviously in a very distressed state and mum could see that he was very badly injured. She sat and held his hand and talked to him for what seemed like ages. He kept moaning about his helmet as if he wanted it off...but mum knew from her first aid training that this was a big no so tried to keep him calm until the ambulance arrived.

Sadly the young man died shortly after the paramedics arrived on the scene. It bothered mum for a long time that she didn't remove his helmet and that his last view of this world was the black inside of the helmet.

Anyway zippy my parents had to attend the court trial and give evidence. Afterwards the mum of the young man who had died approached mum and said that it meant a great deal to her that her son did not die alone. She said that if she couldn't be the one to hold her son's hands as he died she was comforted that another mother had been there in her place.

I do hope that you get the help and support that you need to get through this yourself. Take Care.

Leave it to the husband to contact you and then tell him everything.

zippy what a wonderful person you are. my dp's father was run down off his bike by a car 2years ago. although it was difficult to stomach the truth of how he died it was something we needed to know.there was someone simalar to you by his side in his final hours. she not only helped us with the truth but she managed to give evidence in court which got the culprit sentenced. without her we had no case. you must be so proud of yourself for helping. i would write a letter if i was you and just pass it on to the liason officer who will be glad to pass it on.

You could say you talked to his daughter - talked (not spoke) which indicated she acknowledged you . I don't know - it is tough but i'm sure you will find the words... Remember the onus is not on you to make everything right - how could you. But to add some comfort.

I helped my neighbour with her son when he hung himself - we had to break into the house and cut him down. he died. Every morning for a week or more i woke up to hear her screams as loud and clear as if she were standing next to me.

After a week or so it stopped and now (7 yrs later) i just feel sad or remember that it was a beautiful sunny March day.

It does get easier with time but you will need to be kind to yourself.

I have been to several similar tragic accidents as a health professional and have never had any family attempt to contact me or my crew mates despite us often being the first on scene and easily contactable should any relative want to speak to us. I don't know why this should be.

I think writing things down could be helpful to you, and like another poster has said could help you to think of how to relate things should you be contacted.

I really don't know whether it would be best to send a letter or not.

I understand how troubling thinking over things must be for you.

The letter sounds like a nice idea, and may be of some comfort to him. May not be now, but in the future.

zippy, the daughter may have died instantly anyway, in which case he probably will know that already, so i wouldn't worry too much about that side of things

i think like others have said, mention that you got blankets for them both, and that you talked to them both.

A letter sounds a good compromise. If it had been my family I think I'd want to know that medical help got to them quickly and that someone was with them and talking to them. I'd also hope to hear that they weren't in pain but clearly you can't say that for the mother, perhaps for the daughter? If the medics were able to supply any pain relief for the mother she may have screamed only from fear.

I hope I'd understand if someone in your position didnt want to talk about it but I'd feel the need to thank you for doing what you could to help.

has anyone offered you a debrief and support?you witnessed grade 1 trauma and fatality.how very harrowing for you

you need to be supported and acknowledgement you did a very bold and altruistic thing. in that woman final moments you comforted her were there- she want alone.how fortunate the two surgeons passing too,that really must have helped too.however it sounds horrific as you say

as for the letter and contact,well that has to be your judgement call.understandably hard given things you saw,heard

perhaps police could compose a letter on your behalf or give an account for you

you must take care of yourself
debrief properly
process this and if you feel overwhelmed see gpo

What a horrific experience.

Can I just say that you are not at all selfish or cowardly at all.

What you did was incredibly brave, thank goodness she had someone there to talk to her and hold her.

I think a letter would be a good idea, but maybe hold onto it for a while? See if her husband does want more details.

I hope you can get some help too to help you through this.

If my husband died, no matter how bad things were, I would not want someone who was there sensoring/witholding details.

You should tell the husband absolutely everything. It is his right and you have a duty morally.

Would you like it if a member of your family died and a person who was there witheld details?

Hi Zippy,

First of all - you did everything you could and I feel sure that your actions will be very much appreciated by the victims' relatives. But please take care of yourself, too. You say that the police can't offer you specific counselling, but could I please suggest you call the Red Cross? I take regular first aid training and the instructors have told me that they run a support line for first aiders who help at an incident, whatever the outcome. They really recommended that we call to chat things over, even if we didn't feel troubled at the time. I can't find the direct number, but the main switchboard is 0844 871 11 11 and they'll be able to put you through. I hope this helps.

I echo scottishmummys post, you have witnessed an awful thing and you also need to think about your own wellbeing as well as the husbands. Perhaps if you are having trouble putting down the facts of the incident on paper right now, maybe try writing down your feelings on it. It could be a good way to open up the actual facts and also it could help you deal with the memories.

Mrs Rigby, sorry if you misunderstand me. I don't in any way wish to withold information. I just don't want to make the poor man feel more distressed at a time which I can only imagine must be harrowing enough. What I saw was horric and I'm not sure that I could personally be responsible for telling the husband/father about it just at this time.

I have no words of wisdom I am afraid,but so sad, you were so brave.that poor family.

Oh my - what an absolutely horrific thing for you to have been part of - are you ok? You are a very brave and noble woman who did everything you could and I totally understand where you are coming from now. You must look after yourself and I hope they will offer you some sort of help should you need it.

You should be very proud of your actions.

AS for sending a letter, I think that is a good idea - deffo speak to the liason officer.

has anyone offered you a debrief and support?you witnessed trauma and fatality.how very harrowing for you

you need to be supported and acknowledgement you did a very kind and altruistic thing. in that woman final moments you comforted her were there- she want alone.how fortunate the two surgeons passing too,that really must have helped too.however it sounds horrific as you say

as for the letter and contact,well that has to be your judgement call.understandably hard given things you saw,heard

perhaps police could compose a letter on your behalf or give an account for you

you must take care of yourself
debrief properly
process this and if you feel overwhelmed see gp immediately