Advice with helping at the scene of a fatal accident

[zippytiptoes]

I'm really just after a couple of opinions if anyone could help out.

I stopped at the scene of an accident on Sunday after seeing a young girl flagging me down to ask for help.According to the police it seems as though I was the first one there.

To cut to the quick, the people on the road were injured but not badly, then I saw a car down in a ditch 20ft below. I ran and got my kids blankets out of the car to cover the passengers who looked unconscious. When I returned to cover them, coincidentally the next people to arrive were two surgeons who took over and asked me to help.

Basically, it was horrific. The daughter was pretty much dead although they did carry out CPR and use a defibrilator but with no luck.

The surgeons told me to climb into the back of the car and hold the woman's head still while they were doing other stuff to try to help her. I did this for about 45 mins while we were waiting for the air ambulance and while the firebrigade cut the roof and doors off the car.

I did what they asked and talked to the woman all the time. I kept telling her that we were trying really hard to sort things to make everything better. She seemed to regain consciousness and was screaming a lot and trying to move my hands, but her arms were broken and she couldn't move properly and the surgeon told me to keep her still. It was horrific.

When the air ambulance people were ready to move her, I left and returned to my car. I had to stay to give a statement and when I spoke to the police officer later, he said the mother had died too.

I feel so sad about this, which I know is inevitable. The family liason officer asked if I would mind if the husband/father requested my details, would I mind if he contacted me in the future. He explained that some people find it very cathartic which I can understand. However, I know I'm being totally selfish, but I'm not sure I could. The reasons being that I wouldn't want to tell the man the truth as what I experienced was so terrible and grafic and I feel that I wouldn't be able to lie, but wouldn't want to tell the truth either.

The top and bottom of it is that I have thought for two days now about writing the husband a letter, just saying that I was the first one there and that I did everything I could to help. That the surgeons were amazing and that I talked to his wife and daughter throughout and tried to reassure them. I hate the idea of him thinking they were all alone and in pain.

Do you think that writing to him would be a bad idea or would serve a purpose. I also think maybe if I did nothing, that that would be the best move, but in lots of ways feel that that is cowardly and selfish on my behalf.

If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful. I've got two little girls and would want someone to help me if I were grieving.

Thank you.

Other people who have been through similar experiences - how did your counseling happen if indeed you had any? My doctor seems to be being a bit dramatic in calling it post traumatic stress disorder. I just want to chat through what happened with someone. I think it's harsh to make me wait three months or more when it's stuck in the for front of my mind now.

zipy it sounds terrible.
really bad.
When i have seen distressing images at my "other job" (iykwim) i have found that burying it has been far better.
revisiting it made the memory sharper and revived the whole hting.

i dONT talk about it and DONT think about it.( have to make an effort)
the worst ones were about 3 years ago now though, and the lenght of time i looked at them nto at all like your experience.

so i dont think this is any clinical observation but that is how it works for me.

zippy, would you be able to ask the police for contact details of the surgeons you were with? Maybe one of those would be good to talk to? Although surgeons are possibly the profession most able to come to terms with something like what happened and may not be too strong on empathy.

It's early days for you.

My DSis was able to talk to someone sympathetic where she worked. We spoke about PTSD too, and were saying that at this stage after a traumatic event, it's not a disorder, it's perfectly normal.

What about your local vicar? Even if you are not religious, or Christian, his/her job is to support their whole parish. Vicars will almost always make time to talk, and have seen all sorts of things, he/she would probably be very helpful.

Sorry wish I could be more helpful myself

Zippi, no advice but wanted to add my voice to those saying what a wonderful person you are and what comfort you gave to that woman in her last moments.

You were brave and kind, and continue to be so in your dealings with their family. Look after yourself.

Thanks for your suggestions BalloonSlayer. I have asked the FLO if it would be ok to speak to one of the surgeons. He said it's not usual but he could try and arrange it. I'd like to ask the surgeon why the woman screamed. It's really shocked me and I need to know why she did it. I know she was probably in pain. I was the only person there who wasn't used to dealing with circumstances like this and I'd really appreciate the opportunity just to chat it through with someone.

I don't think I could try the vicar thing as I'm not at all religious and I'd feel a bit cheeky, when I don't go to church, but thanks for the suggestion.

Zippy I have just read this thread. You poor poor thing. I am so sorry. I think you are very brave and you did a truly good thing.

But I don't think your GP is right at all. Please do try another one in your practice. Balloon Slayer's idea is excellent I think. I appreciate you may not want to speak to a vicar, but they really won't hink you are "cheeky", they are there for everyone, believer or no! God bless you.

Zippy, you were fantastic and very very brave. You kept your head in what would have been a drastic and shocking situation.

You have seen and dealt with something that not many of us see.

Do what you need to do to find peace with this situation, it is very unique and obviously one that was very distressing for you to deal with.

What you did by talking to the woman was VERY important. Hearing is the last sense that diminishes when people are badly injured/unconsious or close to death. That woman being able to hear your voice offering her reassurance gave her something to hold on to.

You were very very brave and the emergency services were very lucky to have you on scene.

If you need to talk to somebody, try asking the FLO if they can direct you to an appropriate place, they often have contacts that deal with that kind of thing.

I think if you want to write a letter telling the husband that you were with his wife and daughter and that the emergency services were fantastic, then you should. You can always give it to the FLO for them to pass on.

Zippy I also think what you did was very brave, and applaud you,
As someone else said, counselling or just being able to talk to someone whos been in the same situation will help a little.

I was unfortunatley in the same sort of position as youself 12 yrs ago in July, I was almost 8 mths pregnant, and we had been at my BILs for a party, DH Had quite happily got very merry, and as we were driving home at 1am, we came across a young lady walking up the hill, very distressed, waving her hands,
One young man was lying in the side of the road quite obviously dead.
The driver of the car (I later found out had been drink driving) was still in there screaming, I think his leg was trapped or something, He lived.
There was another young lady lying in the road horrically injured.
She died on the way to hospital.

We too were 1st ones on the scene, I did what I could to give some comfort to them, DH was too too merry to be of any help.
And I still wish I could have done more.

I can still see those those poor kids vividly, and to this day, I still cant drive down that road at night, unless I have someone with me.

The police contacted me once to let me know what had happened that night.
I wasnt offered any counseling.

My son was born a few weeks later, a day early.

Thinking of you.

Hi. I thought I'd let those of you who helped me recently know that the father/husband of the women who died in the crash on 31st Jan has asked if he can meet with me. The police liason officer called me on Sunday night and has asked if I will go tomorrow night and meet him and his two kids who are teenagers.

I'm really, really nervous but I think I'll be okay. I am just hoping it brings them all some comfort, but I really hope he doesn't ask about all of the details. The police officer doesn't think he will. I would just like to be able to give them all a hug and reassure them that I was there and did what I could.

I'll post again and let people know how it went.

Thanks for everyone's supportive comments. They have really helped.

Good luck tomorrow.

Oh Zippy, I read this thread before and was so upset for you but I had no idea what to post...I think you are an amazing and strong person and you will handle the meeting with grace and compassion. Wishing you strength and all good wishes.

I cannot even imagine how hard / upsetting it all was and is for you even when it was the most selfless and supportive brave act you could do, I hope ye all get some comfort from each other tomorrow.
On the whole if they ask for details just tell them how brave the lady was, what she said if anything and what you said /did [I held her hand etc] 10 yrs of First responder experience never prepared me but did teach me that they want to know that the person they loved was with a kind and generous person which when they met you the will know that is exactly what you are.
Good Luck tomorrow I hope ye can all help each other.

It is a very kind thing you are doing. I have recently been on the other side of a conversation like this and it really helped me to talk to the person that was there.

Don't worry if you get upset when you are talking to them. Being able to see the person that was there, seeing how lovely they are and knowing your loved one had as much done for them as possible is hugely comforting.

My thoughts are with you x

Zippy - best of luck tomorrow. I read your original post and was very moved by your courage and your compassion. Like Gibbon, I had no idea what to post, but I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Can I just say how very brave and selfless you were in stopping. Many others would have driven off, in fact I've seen people just drive around accidents before now.

You did above and beyond what you had to do. I'm so sorry the people died. At least the daughter may not have suffered much and the mother can now be with her.

I think you need to talk it all over with someone anyway, just to come to terms with it yourself. A letter is a lovely idea, but perhaps don't include your address. If he wants to contact you he can do so via the police. Putting an address on there might make it look as though you want a reply.

You are a heroine to have stepped in.

Zippy, I'm sorry for your ghastly experience and admire your courage. I don't want to worry you, and have no expertise here, but I would be careful about saying too much.

I'm sure this poor man is in shock, but at some point lawyers are going to descend looking for liability and you want to be sure that your own back is covered.

Helping out at accidents can sometimes be risky for the person assisting. but true.

yes hoorah for zippi.
really a kind person.

Ah I didn't see your last post Zippy.

Look, he may well want reassurance that they didn't suffer. You can't give them that, not in the case of his wife anyway. I would tell him that whilst she drifted in and out of consciousness she probably wasn't aware of what was going on, but that you talked to her all the same and held her head.

That's all you need to say about that. Not only were you there for those people, but you are also willing to be there for their family - you have a heart of gold.

Good luck tomorrow. I think they just want contact with you as you were one of the last people to see them. Don't worry about being brave in front of them, perhaps very healthy to all have a cry together.

Im new to the thread, but reading these posts..Im so glad you decided to go and meet the dad/husband and teenagers. It will be distressing for them all but will offer them great comfort knowing you were there for the daughter and mother. Im a blubbering mess atm...my friend died in a car accident not so long ago, his dad cheif of police was first to attend this accident and saw his son bleeding to death being flung ftom the cars back window...I cant get over it and I wasnt even there...I just have images made up in my head. Honestly knowing my mates family, I know you will be making some kind of difference in the dad and teenagers lives. Writing that letter is still a good idea, most of the time when you are talking to someone about a death of a loved one, they dont really 'listen' and take it in, and a letter would be a keepsakes for them to look back at and remember what you said to them.

Just be honest with them, but dont include all the goryness you saw. To be honest it will either flood out when you see them or you will buckle up and wont be able to say anything..either way you can grieve with this family and they will know that you did your best for thier mum/wife.

I wish you all the best for tomoz and I take my hat off to you...ive attended car accidents, fatal falls adn administered first aid but never seen a dead person and you are a very brave and selfless woman/mother and I give my love to you. I hope that the family liason officer will give you some guidance towards councilling or talk therapy to help you manage how you feel. Just know you did your best!

Much love

Well done for stopping!!!
Sorry if this turns into a mini rant as i'm dealing with consequences of a crash. Ill try not to.

I think if there is an inverstigation then you want be allowd to contact the family until it is over. I'm not sure though as you weren't involved in the crash just the aftermath.
From the man's side it will be very hard not knowing what happened, how hard people tried, this would depend on the information the FLO gives him. How good the FLO is (personal experience.
If it were me i would find it very comforting and a massively kind gesture that you took the time to write to me, especially knowing as it has been traumatic to you too.

If it helps to know this, my brother was killed in a road crash, the only person that stopped to help him was the driver of the car that ran him over. It wasn't his fault and my family feel for him and do not blame him at all. We feel sympathetic to him and are grateful to him for trying to save my brother.

Sorry bit of a tangent their. Just thought it may help to get an jist of his side. Well done again for stopping

Just to add my twopennorth and say that you can say with perfect truth that neither of the victims of the crash really knew what was going on but you held the mother and talked to them both etc and tried to comfort them.

I think you did a really good unselfish thing, well, several good things, the stopping, the letter, going to meet the father. I take my hat off to you.

Write via the family liaison officer, not to him directly. He may not want any contact and this could make things worse for him if he receives an unsolicited letter. The FLO will have much more contact and will be building a relationship with him so will be able to pass the letter to him if/when appropriate.

ok, ignore that!