Former friend with chequered past about to marry Saudi muslim...

[BelleDameSansMerci]

...and I am genuinely concerned that she doesn't necessarily have the temperament for monogamy. AIBU to be so worried or should I just keep my beak out?

I should state that although I am not religious I do have a lot of respect for the Muslim faith and my concern is not that she has converted, etc, but that she will find it hard to live according to Muslim law in Saudi.

Background - we were close friends approx 9 years ago when she moved to Bahrain. She married English chap based out there. I went to wedding, etc. She was quickly unhappy and the marriage ended. She has since floated about from man to man and has now become engaged to a Saudi Muslim and is fully covered, etc.

She has always wanted a man who will provide for her financially so she doesn't have to work and is not great at taking responsibility for her actions. So, on the one hand this may be ideal for her but, on the other, I am very worried that her overly romantic streak and desire to be desired and adored by new men may prove disastrous if she is living in Saudi.

I was thinking only today that I wasn't sure I was cut out for marriage and I can remember being 8 and just wanting to be married with children.

Maybe your friend has changed and has truly met the one and is really happy. I assume she believes this time her marriage will last? I am not sure how easy it would be to divorce a Saudi muslim or what would happen if she committed adultery.

She can surely get a divorce and leave if she's not happy so am not sure what the issue is?

That's my concern, really, Fab. It's not fair of me to assume she will be unfaithful particularly since we haven't been in close contact for a while. But...!!

how close have you been since she moved? if she has been out in Bahrain for 9 years, she may well be happier immersed in Saudi/Muslim culture, hence divorce from English chap and engagement to religious Muslim chap

i doubt being covered head to toe and living a devout life is an easy or romantic option

Is her new husband aware of her "chequered" past? I dunno really. I used to work in a job dealing with Saudis (among other nationalities) and tbh their respect for Western women/culture was not something they were renowned for! But you can't judge one man by his whole nation and this may well be true lurve.

The main thing I would worry about is if they had kids together and then split up because she would automatically lose custody of the children and probably.

and probably deported is what I meant to write. Doh!

Lulumamma, I only hear from her occasionally and it's usually when she's head over heels in love. That sounds harsh but she is such a romantic that she always believes this one is the the one. Until the next one comes along. I know I sound like a complete cow for saying that but it is just what she's like.

I went out to Bahrain a few times to see her and made friends with other people out there who I'm still in touch with so I hear about her through them too.

Tryharder, I wasn't sure about the children thing - thought it was the case that she would lose them if they split. I'm not sure if her fiance would know about her past - I would hope he does.

I'm probably being a nasty, cynical old bat.

You don't sound nasty or cynical. You sound concerned.

I would be worried too. It must be very hard to have a completely equal relationship in a country where men automatically have all the rights.

Thanks Fab.

Think I'll drop her a note congratulating her but really to remind her that I'm here.

I know she'll contact me if she needs help in a hurry and we've been in touch. Also, if she replies, will perhaps get a better picture of her true situation instead of second/third hand news and views.

Sounds like a plan, you are nto cynical to be concerned, i was just presenting an alternative view, but it sounds like a dangerous situation to be in if it goes tits up

On the plus side (and as somebody who has lived in Saudi, and been inside Saudi Muslim homes) her fiance is obviously fairly "open" to consider marrying a western woman.

There are plenty of Saudi families that would forbid this.

He may well have been educated in the west and not be so "hard line" as some of the more traditional families.

I worked with a number of Saudi guys who had been to school over here and they were fabulous.

I agree with other points made here though, and would do as you suggest. Let her know you are there for her.

It may be that she has got her "chequered past" out of her system and is ready to settle down and this will be the making of her.

"She can surely get a divorce and leave if she's not happy" - she will have her passport taken away as soon as she enters Saudi and it will be very dffiicult for her to leave.

My sister lives in Saudi, I hear many stories about what has happened to western wives, - not good.

I have visited Saudi many times, some places are better tha others to live, Riyadh is still very strict.

I hope she's discussed with him how she'd cope if he takes a 2nd - 4th wife and knows that if he decides to throw her out he keeps all the children and she has to move back here to the UK without them.

I have a friend who is a second wife in Bahrain. It seems to suit her but I don't think I could handle it! She seems to be a legal OW really.

This could be a very good thing for her. After her terrible promiscuous past she might finally learn the proper attributes of woman and be happy. Be pleased for her.

Hully, got to ask what the proper attributes of a woman are. Think I know what you mean but want to be sure. And not looking to be contentious.

Just off to bathe DD now so am not disappearing just taking a stressful break!

Modesty, self-containment, humility, quietness, and obedience to a greater good. There is much peace in this.

I have a friend who married a "westernised" Saudi Muslim. She gave up a very good career to be barefoot in the kitchen for him, moved to an isolated part of the UK away from her family and took up his religion and customs.

He brought his second wife over to live in the UK with them recently.

She is humiliated and hurt. I don't want to add any more details as it will out me...but there is lots more

I really think women do not realise what they are potentially letting themselves in for when they marry outside of everything that they are used to.

Xenia - what makes you think she isn't going to be 2nd/3rd/4th wife?

Not what most people think are proper attributes of women though although may be having 4 husbands could be quite useful. I think I could afford them. I could have one who was good at sex, one who is good with the children, one who is good looking - the arm candy one and one who is good at DiY. mmmmm perhaps that is a good plan.

riven has just posted exactly what happened to my sil.

dated a saudi muslim in london, he was all love and flowers and moderate, so laid back he was horizontal.

they go and work in the middle east and slowly but surely he started telling her how to dress, didn't want her drinking, driving etc.

our predictions, which had fallen on deaf ears, came true.

thank god they weren't married and she is back in the uk.