Former friend with chequered past about to marry Saudi muslim...

[BelleDameSansMerci]

...and I am genuinely concerned that she doesn't necessarily have the temperament for monogamy. AIBU to be so worried or should I just keep my beak out?

I should state that although I am not religious I do have a lot of respect for the Muslim faith and my concern is not that she has converted, etc, but that she will find it hard to live according to Muslim law in Saudi.

Background - we were close friends approx 9 years ago when she moved to Bahrain. She married English chap based out there. I went to wedding, etc. She was quickly unhappy and the marriage ended. She has since floated about from man to man and has now become engaged to a Saudi Muslim and is fully covered, etc.

She has always wanted a man who will provide for her financially so she doesn't have to work and is not great at taking responsibility for her actions. So, on the one hand this may be ideal for her but, on the other, I am very worried that her overly romantic streak and desire to be desired and adored by new men may prove disastrous if she is living in Saudi.

so when does the wife get to become the Boss Lady - when the MIL dies presumably? And would it be the wife of the eldest son, even if she was a Westerner? And if that is happening, are things changing for the better (re womens rights and so on)?
I love this about MN - I can find out about all sorts of stuff that woudln't have occured to me before.

I think it depends on the man, how traditional he is and whether he has enough stubborness and independence to do what he wants. My boys Dad is Turkish and me and the mum couldn't stand each other because I was too gobby and refused all her "suggestions" and "gifts". That was over here but it might be worse abroad where all the extended family are etc.
By the way if your friend cheats over there the reality is she might not come back, so she ought to grow up and decide what she wants. I wouldn't advise it with her track record TBH.

It's not racist to point out that a culture teaches and supports certain morals/views/customs. It's not the same as saying "oh all those arabs", "all those black people".

Cultural values are a real thing and although not every single citizen will follow them the odds are that the vast majority will. So you do need to consider the possibility.

It's also worth pointing out that it's not the same as saying they will 'slip back into being bad when they get home'. To them and their culture their ways ARE the decent upright family values and what they did abroad when they let themselves slip into foreign ways was wrong.

It is a fact that once she arrives your friend will not be allowed to keep her passport. As soon as I arrive into the country my passport has to be handed into DH's company in order that we can get our iqama (work/residence permit) as we are not allowed to have both at the same time.

She will not have any freedom and if living in her DH's family home (ie with his mother, father, sisters and their spouses etc) she will have a very hard time of it.
Very few Saudi families will accept westerners, regardless of whether they have converted. It would be interesting to know whether this man is aware of her 'chequered past' as if this came out this would bring shame on him and his family.

She could have a very lonely existence. As stated above, she cannot drive and could be living miles from anywhere. It is not easy for western women who live in private villas to meet people and make friends.

Last year I met an american muslim (she converted) who had married a Saudi. She had a very very lonely existence living in his 'family' home and lasted about 5 months before she left (thankfully her DH gave his permission otherwise she would have effectively been stuck in KSA)

Sadly, I think it is also true what is said about Saudi men changing when they return to KSA. My husband knows quite a few who have spent a long time in the UK and become quite westernised (drinking, womanising, eating bacon sandwiches et) however this all changes when they return home.

I do hope that your friend has thoroughly thought this through.

Thank you. I have dropped her a "hello - I hear you're getting married, etc" message via Facebook and hope she will respond. I think all I can do is let her know that I'm around; thinking of her; etc at the moment. If she replies, and we get into dialogue, perhaps we'll be able to speak and I can ask gently how prepared she is, etc.

And, perhaps, I should stop using "etc" quite so much in my posts?

You sound like Yul Brenner in 'The King and I'

I've just found out from another friend that she's already married him.

I hope she's happy and that this is the right thing for her to have done. I can't help thinking it probably isn't but I sinerely hope I'm proved wrong.

mumoverseas - shall we dance?

thanks for the explanation, riven

Hve you actually read the boo,Goth ?If not it might be an idea to do so , before condemning it as being racist crap?

DD's dad is half Iranian and thankfully out of my hair. He is currently 'marooned' there and although I feel sorry for him I dread him coming back as I don't want him to take dd off me.
I have to say though he has never hit me. I hit him once when he was trying to pressure me into having an abortion but he didn't hit back.
I think he was surprised that a woman would dare defy him.
He is a gentle soul so not all Iranians are wife beaters but I think their attitudes towards women run deep.
You are right to be concerned about your friend but she is a grown woman who must make her own mistakes. Voice your concerns but leave it at that

Riven

I'm gobsmacked..on what evidence do you condemn wahabi's?

They are muslims - pure and simple.
The stoning you refer to {that is v.hard to justify}
is clearly stated in islamic law{sharia}.

Whether you agree with it or not: it's Islam

You need read up on your religion.

huh tapas ??

just because it is "Islam", does that make it right in the 21st century ? You sound like you support something I would say is very extreme in its hatred of women...

goodness me ...

fuck religion and fuck the "law" if that is what it makes you

If he's going to marry a western (white) woman and I assume his family have accepted her too, then he probably is much less like the 'typical' Saudi man.
They maybe very happy together, and for all you know he knows all about her past.
Many women flit from one man to another until they find the 'one', doesn't mean they shouldl all be judged on their past.

You're right anyfucker, just because it's sharia law doesn't make it right and many Muslims feel the same.

thank goodness for that...

"I'm gobsmacked..on what evidence do you condemn wahabi's?

They are muslims - pure and simple.
The stoning you refer to {that is v.hard to justify}
is clearly stated in islamic law{sharia}.

Whether you agree with it or not: it's Islam" oh that makes it alright then?

If muslims are against it then why shouldn't they speak out against it?

Tbh I am gobsmacked that any self-respecting woman would want to marry into that. All very well to marry a muslim living in a western country or even a less strict muslim country, but choosing to go to a country where women are basically second class citizens and where you know you will have to be subsurviant and possibly even one of several wives (iirc muslims can have up to four wives at a time and eleven in total throughout their lives) is beyond me. Surely love isn't that blind?

Sorry, I'm rushing around, not clear.

I'm trying to say that rivens description of wahabis is pathetic.

As a 'muslim' she should know better.

Snigger at 'extreme'.

Don't hold back anyfucker.

One rushed post means I'm an'extremist'

Btw undomestic - if you deny sharia law as muslim you are no longer considered a muslim..

That's for you Riven

tapas, believe it or not, on a discussion board such as this, you will be judged by what you type

I don't understand the rest of it (nor have any desire to do so), so won't add any more of my uneducated pronouncements, but I can see what is in black and white before my eyes...

Tapas, rubbish not every single Muslim will feel like that if you speak out against Sharia Law.
My father has denied Sharia Law and he has certainly not been 'thrown out' of Islam. Many others feel that it doesn't have a place in modern society and conflicts with other values which are part of Islam.