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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Former friend with chequered past about to marry Saudi muslim...

162 replies

BelleDameSansMerci · 31/01/2010 18:16

...and I am genuinely concerned that she doesn't necessarily have the temperament for monogamy. AIBU to be so worried or should I just keep my beak out?

I should state that although I am not religious I do have a lot of respect for the Muslim faith and my concern is not that she has converted, etc, but that she will find it hard to live according to Muslim law in Saudi.

Background - we were close friends approx 9 years ago when she moved to Bahrain. She married English chap based out there. I went to wedding, etc. She was quickly unhappy and the marriage ended. She has since floated about from man to man and has now become engaged to a Saudi Muslim and is fully covered, etc.

She has always wanted a man who will provide for her financially so she doesn't have to work and is not great at taking responsibility for her actions. So, on the one hand this may be ideal for her but, on the other, I am very worried that her overly romantic streak and desire to be desired and adored by new men may prove disastrous if she is living in Saudi.

OP posts:
mumoverseas · 01/02/2010 17:20
sarah293 · 01/02/2010 17:21

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Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 01/02/2010 17:50

But tapas depends how you interpret things. the Prophet was trying to get women better rights but man (not women but man) has made a right mess of it in the interpretation of it and writings about it.

Saudi is one of the worst examples of a supposedly muslim state. Many Muslims are ashamed of it.

sarah293 · 01/02/2010 19:10

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Message withdrawn

edam · 01/02/2010 19:11

Charming the way Tapas puts inverted commas round muslim when referring to Riven - as if daring to disagree with Tapas renders Riven an apostate.

Who made you the boss of all Muslims, Tapas?

That's exactly what is wrong with the Saudi/Wahabi brand of Islam, IMO, they are intolerant, brook no discussion or debate, and if anyone dares to disagree with them, throw insults about that person not being a good Muslim.

If their ideas are so sound, why is questioning so threatening?

foxytocin · 01/02/2010 21:41

The way I see it is that he knows at least some of her past.

She is being taken as a second or 3rd wife.

But she probably doesn't know that yet.

This is all my conjecture of course but quite likely.

have a glimpse of a parrallel universe

AnyFucker · 01/02/2010 21:52

fucking hell foxy

BrahmsThirdRacket · 01/02/2010 21:57

She's already married him? She's an idiot.

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2010 22:05

She has already married him. She's also just disappeared from Facebook or perhaps she's blocked me? No idea how that works but I sent note earlier and now I can't see her in my list of friends. I only said (paraphrasing) "Hello, how are you? Hear you have some exciting news."

I guess that's that then.

OP posts:
MrsGubbins · 01/02/2010 22:06

Advise from a Sharia marriage counsellor....

? whenever a husband notices a bizarre behaviour from his wife, he can advise her, then avoid sleeping with her in one room and if that doesn't work out then he can whip her gently in a manner that makes her understand the situation.

pretty much sums up the crap that is spouted in the ME (and yes I live in the ME)

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2010 22:07

Foxy - "whip her gently"??!! Fucking hell.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2010 22:16

belle, that is scary that she has disappeared

Original poster
BelleDameSansMerci · 01/02/2010 22:25

Well, she may have just blocked me but there's no reason for her to have done so. We never fell out and she originally contacted me via FB not the other way around.

There's a whole lot of stuff I didn't post on here as I didn't want it to be obvious to anyone who might know me but, basically, she's burned her bridges with so many people and I'm just the kind of sap who doesn't bear a grudge! She still owes me over £1000 from ages ago (I never expected it back really so not greatly concerned - I had a lot more money in those days); she has a unique way of always being the victim in any situation when, in reality, it's often of her own making; she's a nightmare. But she's also my friend and I still love her regardless of her basket-case behaviour.

I can find out more from mutual friends still in Bahrain so I will get to bottom of it. I'm annoying tenacious when I want to know something!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2010 22:26

ooh, good luck with that

foxytocin · 01/02/2010 22:44

what is strange with news from the ME is that there seems little awareness even by the reporters and news editors how strange these stories read to Westerners. It may be a byproduct of the censorship of information coming into and out of these places. Or maybe they are just too rich to care?

Belle, maybe she will set up a new and to be kept secret from her husband FB account one day. then you may get another friend's request.

foxytocin · 01/02/2010 22:48

oh I have read even stranger and more outrageous stories of how some men in the ME treat their own women never mind the foreign wives. I just hope that it is less common than I fear it is.

MrsGubbins · 01/02/2010 23:09

foxy - why would they care how "these stories" (whatever they are) read to Westerners?

foxytocin · 01/02/2010 23:12

you're right mrsgubbins. i just can't help but wonder whenever my jaw hits the floor and I lean over to pick it up. gives me something to think about for that moment.

sarah293 · 02/02/2010 08:22

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Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 02/02/2010 09:49

ME, but I didn't read that link like that. I saw a parallel. Today in the UK there is virtually divorce on demand and I read it thinking both states have similar issues - people divorcing too quickly and easily.

But I also read the implication that women suffer if they divorce. One reason it's a good thing there is more divorce in the UK than there was is because it shows women earn their own money (indeed plenty make lump sum payments to men on divorce as I did as we earn more) and it means we have the freedom to part rather than having to rely on men for money.

You can as a woman in the UK go to your mosque and get a contract drawn up when you marry which deals with money issues and who gets back what. Apparently not as many UK Muslim women know about that than should. It's Sharia compliant too. I bet the friend here had no pre marital legal advice nor contracts drawn up to protect her.

junglist1 · 02/02/2010 10:52

No way is she allowed on Facebook where any man from her past can contact her. No way. Maybe she's realised and is trying to do what's expected of her, or maybe he's just forced her to come off it.

bonnyb1 · 02/02/2010 11:12

My friend is living in Saudi and recently went for a meal at her husbands saudi workmates house - she had to enter by the back door and sit in the kitchen away from the men with the wife (who she had never met before), they had to sit upstairs while the men ate their meal in the kitchen, then they went down to eat what was left over!
Not for me I'm afraid.

Judy1234 · 02/02/2010 11:58

Like some meals in the UK where still women have to leave when the port is passed to withdraw upstairs. What they really should do is pour the port over the fat men drinking it and make sure they do the clothes washing next day rather than tolerate that sexism.

slug · 02/02/2010 12:10

I'd be tempted to pour the port over the fat med then light it. Far more immediate.

bonnyb1 · 02/02/2010 12:25

Withdrawal when the port is poured?? Is that from an episode of 'upstairs downstairs' or do people still really live like that? wow not in my neck of the woods!